Chapter Four

 

Ruminations

 

Saturday, August 6th

 

Annaleah’s hiding something. It’s driving me mad that I can’t immediately see into her deception; knowing things of this manner is something which I pride myself in, even if I don’t make it widely known. It's in their micro expressions, in the temperature of their skin, in the way they hold themselves. Her secret however, eludes me. It was more like something I could sense in her aura, some great wall built up to protect something important. But what? It’s put me on guard against her, despite her overall essence of innocence. I’m not used to putting my guard up against anyone; I am rather used to it being the other way around.

I don’t trust her, but she intrigues me. How is it that she can maintain a sense of wide-eyed wonder and innocence, and yet exude something powerfully secret, the likes of which even I cannot penetrate? She is a nervous little creature, too. She walked into Gladys's office as if she had all the confidence in the world. Does she think I failed to see how she trembled when she looked at me, just like all the others of her sort, no doubt judging me on first sight with no cause yet for doing so? Did she think I missed the catch of breath in her throat, or how her body shook when she attempted to speak to me as an equal? Would she think someone such as myself unable to find out her secret?

It also disturbs me enormously that I was caught off guard by her beauty. What do I care of the ephemeral allure of any human, no matter how great that beauty might be? I’m not of their kind, and it’s never been a problem for me to be distracted by something so petty and unimportant. Still, her emerald green eyes flash across my mind, and I am left wondering if there is something wrong with me. How can I let myself be beguiled so easily? It makes me trust her even less.

I’m still shocked at Chancellor Tanner's decision to add her to my class, especially without asking me or even warning me that it was a possibility. Perhaps this is an indirect means to usurp me?

They respect me, they fear me, and yes, they judge me. They assume they know me, who and what I am. That they come to false conclusions and judgment towards me, infuriates me! I suffer their glances, I feel the weight of their disdain, and then they wonder why I won’t suffer their company. Fools. It sometimes angers me to the point of contempt, then I find relief in imagining terrible fates upon them.

Alas, I am more civilized than they give me credit for. I have already suffered for my indignities back when I was...younger. I won’t make the same mistakes again. But this anger, it flares in my soul and will not let my mind know peace, nor quiet. Do they not know the authority of this subject that I possess? Can they not fathom in their tiny minds just how extensive my knowledge might be? Don’t they realize that, if the self-entitled, little bratty students could sit still for a moment and listen to what I teach, that they might learn enough to pass the course?

I cannot imagine such a life as theirs; to have all the things they need handed to them without striving for it. If they would pay attention for just a moment, they might actually find this learning pleasurable. Otherwise, what is the point of learning, truly, if it does not illuminate your spirit?

To think that my teaching is causing a decrease in students passing my class, that it’s somehow my doing, is unforgivable. If these flesh beasts had just a tiny inkling of what they are truly dealing with! I’m smarter than to entertain the idea of enlightening them, but that I should suffer for a mistake I have not made, is an affront to all that I am. They ought to thank me for my distinguished civility! Instead, they insult me with a child, to teach that which I know better than they could ever hope to understand.

If this is a test of some sort, then I will pass. I resent it with every fiber of my existence, but I shall suffer it. I have suffered far worse, for far longer. It is true that suffering can add sheen to your soul, even if the only one to see it is yourself. Ha! If the other faculty and students saw the sheen I possess, they would die of shock. No one knows of it but me, and it will remain that way, as it always has.

As for Annaleah, I will not tear into her as I had initially wanted. Her innocence and her secret interest me. At least she is a respite from the intolerable monotony my life has become.

~SB~