God never allows pain without a purpose in the lives of His children. . . . God never wastes pain. He always causes it to work together for our ultimate good, the good of conforming us more to the likeness of His Son.
Jerry Bridges
After I was admitted to the hospital at twenty-three weeks for preterm labor, the senior neonatologist solemnly told Ryan and me, “Your babies will likely be born blind, deaf, severely disabled, and have brain bleeds if your preterm labor continues.” Contractions had begun, and fear was lurking at the door to seize our hope and faith. I told Ryan that he and the doctor had to leave my hospital room. I truly felt like quoting Jesus’s words to Peter in Matthew 16:23: “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s.”
Of course, the doctor was not Satan, any more than Peter was. He was just doing his job. However, the fear, doubt, and despair caused by that meeting was something my heart couldn’t take. I was angered to my core with what I believe to be the Holy Spirit shouting, No! This will not be so! in my mind and heart as the doctor spoke.
Ryan stepped into the hallway with the doctor and listened to the rest of the heartbreaking prognosis for Blair, Barrett, and Blake. When he came back into my hospital room, we both looked at each other with sobering expressions, and almost at the same time said, “That isn’t going to be their story.” These children we had begged God to protect were now, in a blink of an eye, facing disability and possible death. What were we going to do?
What we thought was going to be a few days of observation in the hospital turned into a forty-nine-day hospital bedrest stay. With every day that passed, we would wake up and plead with God on behalf of our children. We would look at what medical complications threatened their lives if they were born that day. We would have breakfast together. Ryan would go to work, and I would read my Bible, pray, and try to figure out how to stay calm with the knowledge that at any moment our precious triplets could come too soon. I didn’t know in those first few days that I would spend the next hours, days, weeks, and months staring out a single window, wondering what the future held. I also didn’t know it would be the best experience of my life.
Faith in the Midst of Suffering
There is something truly special, sobering, and spiritual when you are not in control. Of course, none of us is ever truly in control of anything but only under the illusion of it. Our schedules, lists, New Year’s resolutions, and ten-year plans support William Ernest Henley’s promise in his famous poem “Invictus”: “It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”1 But the idea that we are the ones ultimately controlling our lives is not true.
Occasionally we are faced with circumstances that make the abstract truth a harsh reality impossible to ignore. Being bound to a bed as an adult while others help you do tasks that you mastered as a five-year-old is a very humbling experience. Recently, before filming a TV interview, Ryan and I sat in the car prepping. I asked him what he thought was the main lesson he’d learned through our trials with infertility, miscarriages, and bedrest. He replied, “I learned that it is possible to still have a thriving relationship with God in the midst of suffering.”
How do we stay close to God when He appears to have let us down? How do we trust His plan is good when it is nothing we would have chosen? How do we stay faithful when fear and doubt crouch at the door mocking our relationship with God and making childlike faith a distant memory? How do we have hope in the midst of heartbreak?
Hope in the Heartbreak
Joni Eareckson Tada was forever changed when she became a paraplegic at the young age of seventeen. She credits her horrific accident as being the main source of understanding the gospel she had accepted just three years before.
Although the gospel took root in my heart that night, something happened nearly 3 years later that threatened to undo everything. It occurred just a few weeks after my high school graduation when I went swimming in the Chesapeake Bay with my sister. I took a dive into what ended up being very shallow water. My head hit the bottom, it snapped my neck back, and my spinal cord was crushed. Immediately I was paralyzed. Oh, I sank into depression and, yes, the gospel was nearly uprooted, but thankfully, Christian friends were praying and these same friends carried me through some of the darkest, most difficult days of my life. And what I learned back then about the Lord Jesus and his fellowship of sufferings helped sink the roots of the gospel far deeper into my heart than I could’ve ever experienced had I not become paralyzed. And now, 50 years later, I still live to tell the story. My wheelchair, more than anything else, has become the theology textbook that has shown me so much about the sustaining grace of God.2
Joni certainly didn’t have a hopeful perspective immediately. She recalls:
I was once the 17-year-old who retched at the thought of living life without a working body. I hated my paralysis so much I would drive my power wheelchair into walls, repeatedly banging them until they cracked. Early on, I found dark companions who helped me numb my depression with scotch-and-cola. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to die. . . .
Back in the ’70s, my Bible study friend Steve Estes shared ten little words that set the course for my life: “God permits what he hates to accomplish what he loves.” Steve explained it this way: “Joni, God allows all sorts of things he doesn’t approve of. God hated the torture, injustice, and treason that led to the crucifixion. Yet he permitted it so that the world’s worst murder could become the world’s only salvation. In the same way, God hates spinal cord injury, yet he permitted it for the sake of Christ in you—as well as in others.”3
I remember meeting Joni when I was a child and thinking, Wow, I really don’t have any excuses for not following God. The importance of knowing the stories of champions of the faith is vital for our surviving difficult circumstances. We need to hear that others have faced the unimaginable and accomplished the impossible through the power of God, who “will not fail you or forsake you” (Deut. 31:6). Thankfully, God promises to hold our hand and heart in the midst of suffering, confusion, and waiting.
We live our lives believing this world is about us, what we want, what our goals are, and who we are trying to be, but every once in a while, God steps in to slow us down and remind us that “we are but dust” (Ps. 103:14). Finding purpose in the seasons we never would have chosen for ourselves is imperative for surviving suffering.
Suffering tempts us to look inward and become consumed with ourselves. As we saw in chapter 3, renowned psychologist John Bradshaw explains that people with depression talk only about themselves for the same reason a person with a toothache talks only about his toothache—their pain is all they can think about, so it is all they can talk about.4 During my forty-nine days of bedrest, having nurses constantly checking on me and spending hours a day hooked up to monitors, I was tempted to believe this time was about me. It would have been so easy to say, “You know, God, You really got me in a bad situation here. I’m sure You would understand if I just took some time off from my spiritual life and let You comfort me.” Instead, I asked God every day to show me His purpose for my hospital stay.
Nothing is an accident, and everything is an opportunity when we see things the way God sees them. When we care about what God cares about, we will not be bored or disappointed. There is always something to do to further God’s kingdom, which takes care of any idle time or unwanted circumstance. We will never know God is all we need until God is all we have.
Growing Stronger through Suffering
In no way, shape, or form am I a “gamer,” but I did play Super Mario Brothers in my younger years. There I would be, just trying to get Luigi to level two and not be eaten by the gigantic flowers with teeth, when all of a sudden he would slide down a golden pipe and into an alternate reality. This world looked like where he had just been but also different. Characters were more powerful. The setting was darker. The challenges were harder. But Luigi had the ability to be stronger and earn rewards that were greater in value. Then after Luigi had done the best he could do through my limited video game skill set, he would climb up a golden pipe back into normal reality, having earned thousands of extra points and gained special skills to help him in the game.
Suffering is similar to getting to go into the bonus round of a video game to get extra points. Obedience is our secret weapon in the face of suffering. Choosing to walk with God instead of counter to Him in the midst of suffering makes it possible for us to grow stronger, earn rewards, and gain skills that are priceless.
The Nearness of God in Suffering
We think about how often we suffer or how much we have been through like we’re watching a highlight reel on a sports channel. The ability we have to recall how much we have been wronged can at times resemble a scene from Rain Man, where the autistic savant character Raymond Babbitt counts every card in the deck. We know each hardship we have suffered by heart. We have rehearsed the wrong done to us over and over. We have our suffering memorized and can recall each indignation at a moment’s notice as soon as we see or experience anything resembling the same hurt. What about God? What must it do to His heart to see His children suffering at the hand of sin over and over, decade after decade, century after century? God comes especially near to us in times of suffering. I think perhaps watching His children suffer touches the heart of God in a way that draws His attention and magnifies His love.
Of course, God is powerful enough to stop anything and often does. The thought of what we have been spared from but have no awareness of is nothing short of haunting. How many times has God nudged us to go a different way home, avoiding a fatal car wreck? How many times has God woken us in the middle of the night, just in time to turn a light on and ward off an intruder about to break in? The possibilities are endless, and God’s protection is certain. God promises the ultimate rectification of sin when Jesus comes back to redeem fallen creation and call His children home.
Joseph—An Example of Suffering with Faithfulness
Joseph had a thriving relationship with God in the midst of his suffering. Time and again the Bible includes the phrase, “But God was with Joseph,” after nearly every trial Joseph faced.
Isn’t God with every Christian? Yes, we all have his Holy Spirit; He loves all of us equally, He listens to our prayers, and His salvation is sufficient to cover the sin of everyone who believes in Jesus. But when we care about what God cares about, when we are trying to further His purpose, and when we are walking in obedience instead of disobedience, this opens the door to God being with us instead of having to discipline us.
Joseph did not cause his brothers to sell him into slavery. Joseph had no say over Potiphar’s wife’s false accusation. Joseph’s big dream for his life probably was not to go to jail. However, Joseph chose to stay close and obedient to God in the middle of his trials in a way that resulted in God looking down from heaven and saying, “I’m going to be with him.”
Hebrews 12:6 tells us, “Those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives.” Obedience opens the door for God’s blessing. Talking about good works and how they affect our relationship with God can be a slippery slope. We are not saved by good works but for good works. Ephesians 2:8–10 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (NIV). With the power God gives us as Christians, we, like Joseph, can live in a way that causes God to walk with us.
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Obedience is a choice we have in the face of any challenge, trial, and temptation. Trials are God’s vote of confidence in you. How can we obey in the midst of our suffering?
Remember What God Cares About
God cares more about changing you than He cares about changing your situation. This is a lesson Joseph had to learn through his intense time of trials and isolation. This is a lesson Jesus learned as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for God to not make Him go to the cross, saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done” (Luke 22:42).
Sometimes, no matter how hard we pray, God says no to our heartfelt requests. When we surrender and watch God show up and show off, we can see why He said no and be grateful He did.
Not long ago, a woman contacted me who was discouraged because she had prayed big things, she had rejoiced with those who rejoiced and wept with those who wept (Rom. 12:15), and she had trusted God to provide—but at the age of sixty-four, she knew her dreams of a biological child were destined to stay dreams. What hope is there when God appears not to listen to us? Did we not pray hard enough, not read our Bible long enough, or not seek enough wise counsel?
God has a plan that exceeds our understanding. As the saying goes, when we can’t see His hand, we must trust His heart.
Ask God to Show You His Purpose for You
Witnessing is a way to make any day extraordinary. Forty-nine days of staying in the same hospital room, looking out the same window, and eating the same hospital food became very monotonous. Telling people about Jesus in the midst of wondering if my babies were going to live helped me remember the true purpose of life.
The day I was admitted to the hospital, I started asking God to show me His purpose for me in the hospital, with the staff, doctors, other patients, and my family. I had two nurses who were interested in Christianity. They would often ask me questions while they were checking on the babies.
One day I felt so pressed to present the gospel that I told God, “Okay, I will witness to them if You provide an open door.” Right then, the nurse said, “I know this is weird, but I actually need to sit on your bed for the next twenty minutes to monitor the triplets.” This gave me a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel with her. This happened with another nurse who needed to monitor one of the triplets, providing yet another opportunity for me to share God’s plan of redemption.
Focusing on other people’s relationship with God and honestly caring about their eternal destiny helped me to look past my present situation and purposefully pursue the spiritual needs of others, and it will do the same for you. I did not always feel like caring about other people while in such a dire medical state. I am convinced that allowing God to use me as a messenger of the gospel is what got me through the long hours, days, and months. This is our secret weapon against the enemy. No matter what God allows to come into our lives, we have the opportunity to make it purposeful.
Commit to Obedience in Suffering
Suffering provides us with two paths: the road of perseverance and the road of despair. These two paths are not destinies but decisions. You and I decide how we are going to respond in the face of adversity.
Because struggling with eating disorders is part of my testimony and the path that led me into the psychological field, I like working with people who are facing similar struggles. One of the first techniques I teach clients who struggle with eating disorders is to say out loud, “I’m choosing to do this,” before engaging in their eating disorder behavior. I remember a young woman in her thirties who was furious that I asked her to say this out loud before she purged. She had struggled on and off with eating disorders since childhood and was adamant that she would not comply with the assignment. I asked her, “Why don’t you want to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this’ when bingeing and purging?” She quickly answered, “Because if I say that, I no longer have an excuse.”
This woman had every right to have developed a maladaptive coping skill. Given her horrific abuse history, I wouldn’t have faulted her for any disorder or addiction she had developed as a way to cope with the trauma in her past. However, we must understand the difference between circumstances that are not our choice and the responses that are our choice. The suffering may be something in which we truly had no choice and no responsibility, no possibility of avoidance—something in which we truly are victims. This woman had no say in the years of childhood abuse she suffered. I will even go so far as to say that at the beginning stages of her eating disorder, she did not have much of a choice because of her intense need as a child to cope with the abuse.
However, there comes a point, usually as adults, when we have to separate the suffering from our response to the suffering. One of the great things about being an adult is having the ability to see the truth and change our response. Having a choice is not an insult; it’s our secret weapon. God deeply cares about those suffering.
The Reward for Obedience
Staying obedient during times of suffering puts us in the best place to receive God’s help, perspective, deliverance, and blessing. Disobedience in suffering is making the choice to suffer twice—first from suffering and then from the consequences of not following the One who has allowed the suffering. God richly rewards those who stay obedient in the wait, in the questions, in the darkness.
One of the greatest promises in the Bible for those with broken hearts and tearstained faces is found in Revelation 21:4. When Jesus comes back, and death and sorrow are no more, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” Until that day comes, we have a choice to run to or run away from the One who has promised to see us through.