C h a p t e r15

BEING THE CENTER OF OUR UNIVERSE

Self-attack is not only related to how we are redirecting our anger, how we are or are not acknowledging our primary feelings, and how we are using our thought processes, but it is also related to how we experience ourselves to be positioned in our universe. Do we see ourselves as being the center of our universe or as living on the fringe of it? How does this positioning affect our capacity for self-care? Theodore Isaac Rubin discusses this in his excellent book, Compassion and Self-Hate.1 Some of the highlights in combination with my own thoughts will be summarized here.

Before we start our discussion, it should be noted that there is a difference in seeing ourselves as being the center of the universe and seeing ourselves as being the center of our universe. The former intimates that we think we rule the entire universe with omnipotence, but the latter suggests that we do not think of ourselves as omnipotent so much as being in charge of our own personal universe. While Dr. Rubin did not make a distinction between the two, it is salient to this discussion.

Let’s start our discussion by taking a look at the good aspects of holding a central position in our universe. Holding a central position in our universe can be a good thing in that if we experience ourselves to be the center of our universe, we tend to see ourselves as the prevailing power in our lives. We also tend to see ourselves as the parties who are responsible for fulfilling our own needs. We are not overly dependent on others to validate us and bring value to our lives. Our locus of control tends to be more internal than external, which is a good thing.

When we perceive ourselves to be the center of our universe, we do not feel like we are living somewhere on the outskirts of our lives, anxiously waiting for others to inform us of our worth or to give us permission to take care of ourselves. Being the center of our own universe is the opposite of being in a dependent position. It is also the position that allows us to know our own needs and engage in acts of loving self-care.

Being the center of our universe helps promote a strong ego and high self-esteem. From this position we are not desperately searching for a sense of self because we already experience ourselves to have a self. We have formed an identity as an individual separate from the rest of the universe. We already exist and hopefully are in the process of getting to know ourselves better each day.

When we are the center of our universe, we tend to remain comfortable wherever we go because we take the center of our universe with us. It is always present, and there is a cognizance of how to proceed in new circumstances without a loss of self. We remain the central observer of all within our lives, and we remain the responsible party for our own comfort and self-care. Consequently, there is no ensuing panic when circumstances shift. This is because we rely on our self rather than the presence, good will, and feedback of other people.

When we are the center of our universe, we retain the right. . .

All of these good aspects of being the center of our own universe are made possible by achieving the level of development in which we have separated and individuated from our primary caregiver. In this process we have come to know our self as a sovereign entity separate from the whole. If we were still merged with our primary caregiver, we would not even be aware of having a universe of our own, much less the benefits of being the center of our own universe. This is because when we are very young, we exist in an enmeshed, unindividuated state with our primary caregiver. We have no way to know that we are individuals, much less individuals worthy of our own self-care. Nor do we know that anyone else exists or that they, too, must be cared for and respected. Instead, we exist in a merged state of primary narcissism as the unchallenged, omnipotent center of the universe — an innocent state, but a narcissistic one nonetheless. In this state of oneness, our universe is the universe; there is no distinction between the two.

In this state we are focused exclusively on getting our own needs met, which unfortunately happens at the expense of others. We do not even know others are there, much less have an awareness of their efforts, struggles, frailties, fatigue, etc. However, with normal, healthy development, this merged, self-absorbed state gives way to an awareness of both self and others. Happily, in finding ourselves, we have found others as well. In our new state of self-hood, we learn not take others for granted, using them only for our own purposes. We learn how to relate in a give-and-take fashion.

Some of us, however, do not make it through the separation/ individuation stage successfully. We psychologically remain fixated there no matter how old we get. Then we spend the rest of our lives depending on others whom we see as extensions of ourselves and waiting for others to feed us, fulfill us, and define us. We also spend it largely thinking only of ourselves. Even though we do not mean to, we function primarily as narcissists. Here we are face to face with the negative aspect of seeing ourselves as the center of the universe.

It is vital that we successfully reach an individuated level of development so that we can shed our innocent yet narcissistic personas. We need to figure out how to get lives of our own and how to take care of ourselves without taking advantage of others.

Sometimes there is confusion over whether or not self-care constitutes a self-absorbed position or simply a self-respecting one. This can stop us from taking care of ourselves. Certainly we should take a good look at ourselves and make sure we are not coming from the former. It is never a pretty sight to witness the actions of highly selfish people who fancy themselves to be on the right track. However, if we know that we truly have the ability to see the position of others, the struggles of others, and the rights of others, then we should rest easy with our efforts to help ourselves. We are most likely well within the bounds of compassion for all.

To help clear up any uncertainty, here are a few comparisons between enmeshed narcissists and individuals.

Aside from narcissistic self-absorption, a major hazard in experiencing ourselves to be the center of the universe is that as the center of the universe, we think that we are connected to all happenings in that universe. It is like there is an invisible string emanating from every happening in the universe that is attached to us. We end up with billions of imaginary strings attached to us. Consequently, it seems to us that every happening in the universe has something to do with us; every one of them is a result of something we did or did not do. This applies to both good and bad occurrences.

The problem with this is that since we fail to realize that separate others are present, we cannot see that some of our causative strings should be attached to someone else. Therefore, we fail to register the fact that some life events have nothing to do with us and that the world is going to be whatever it is independent of us. What we must accept is that we never had nor will have the degree of control over life’s happenings that we would like to have. We only have control over our own actions and our own responses, i.e., we only have control over our own universe.

This is a very important concept to grasp because if we insist on viewing every happening as being tied to our own actions, worth, thoughts, or feelings, we will end up taking responsibility for all kinds of things that have nothing to do with us. We will end up feeling like every bad thing that happens to us is our fault. We will endlessly tell ourselves that we could have done this or that, and if we only had, such an event would not have occurred. After all, if only we exist, who else can be blamed for whatever goes wrong? It has to be our fault.

If we adopt this world view, we will end up feeling guilty over many things. We will also end up with a reduced sense of worth, for supposedly we failed to do something that could have been done. We also failed to be someone we should have been. We are certain that we could have been more capable, more loveable, and/or more aware of something that was happening. We could have been smarter, stronger, healthier, richer, and more powerful. We could have been perfect.

Thus far, we have discussed narcissists who think they head up the universe as a by-product of lack of individuation. This is called primary narcissism. Such individuals are not bad, but are simply developmentally impaired. We might even see them as clueless (think babies). However, there is another kind of narcissism, known as secondary narcissism, which produces a different type of narcissist. Secondary narcissists are not necessarily un-individuated, but are preoccupied with covering up their own weaknesses. To be more accurate, secondary narcissists are engrossed with covering up their own self-loathing. In fact, they are pretty much poster children for self-hate.

Narcissists who are suffering from secondary narcissism usually have a difficult time being imperfect human beings, which is a very self-hating position. They are fixated on achieving an ideal self in an effort to cover up their weaknesses and fears. Their grandiose actions and consistent strivings for power are just attempts to build a huge superstructure of fabulousness around themselves to cover up their fragility and self-loathing. In fact, this kind of narcissism has been called a cloak for self-hate.2

Secondary narcissists technically realize that there are separate others, but they treat people like objects to be used rather than as individuals with feelings. They do this partially because they are so busy trying to compensate for their flaws that there is no real registration of others. Moreover, secondary narcissists cannot achieve any degree of self-care. That would involve ministering to the actual, flawed self. Instead, the needs of the actual self are pretty much eclipsed by focusing on the idealized self, which is not even a real self. Rather, it is an aggrandized image of self that they project out to the world.

Both primary and secondary narcissists take up a lot of space in the universe (one thinks that he or she is the universe and the other tries to be larger than life within the universe). Thus, both are at risk for self-attack for different reasons. While primary narcissists are at risk for self-attack because they think all happenings are tied to them, secondary narcissists are at risk for self-attack because they must stay larger than life and cannot accept that they are imperfectly human.

While the antidote to self-hate/self-attack with primary narcissism is individuation, the antidote to self-hate with secondary narcissism is to embrace and accept the human condition rather than attempt to escape it. It is to. . .