An illusion is a fantasy about self, someone else, or the world at large. It is a form of deception that gives us a misleading idea about reality. Illusions are usually compensatory in that they make up for qualities, abilities, and life circumstances that we do not actually have. They are used to make life more acceptable, more tolerable, and less frightening. Aside from the innocent fantasies of childhood, illusions can be quite destructive and tend to debilitate the actual self. They delay our emotional maturation as well as our ability to cope with life by keeping our focus away from reality. They also fuel self-attack because we cannot possibly live up to their over-inflated version of reality.
Illusions about our self usually involve some version of omniscience or omnipotence.1 Omniscience has to do with complete knowledge, awareness, insight, and wisdom; omnipotence has to do with unlimited power, authority, influence, and control. Together they conjure up visions of an infallible, invincible, potent, all-knowing, perfected individual. To this we aspire.
Illusions about the self oftentimes involve great virtuosity. We entertain the fantasy that we are saintly, all-giving, all-sacrificing, benevolent, all-forgiving, understanding, and pure. We are nice guys and gals, free of malice, anger, falseness, or envy. We are above the fray, above the masses, above the vicissitudes of life. In such cases we are busy escaping our actual self, all the while ensuring continued self-attack as the disparity between reality and illusion makes itself apparent.
We can also have illusions about ourselves in the opposite direction, convincing ourselves that we are weak, incompetent, unknowledgeable, and powerless when we are not. These illusions, though not overinflated versions of reality, still invite self-attack in that they lead us to believe in limitations that do not exist.
Illusions about others typically involve idealization. We see them as all-knowing, all-powerful, brilliant, special, caring individuals who can protect our interests and keep us safe from harm. This is not only the case with parents, but also with doctors, lawyers, therapists, teachers, leaders, and lovers. We need to feel like there is someone there who is superhuman and will never let us down. Strangely, children can also fall into this category as we idealize them beyond all reason. These children are idealized not to keep us safe from harm, but to fulfill our own fantasies; they are simply the recipient of our own idealized projections about ourselves. 2
Illusions about the world at large include the fantasy that the past can be made up for, i.e., there is a place and time for perfect justice in this world. We fancy that our wounds from past injustices will be healed by others getting their just desserts. In the meantime, there is too much focus on injustice-collecting, proof of suffering, and waiting for that mythical day of payback. This destroys happiness in the here and now, which can never be good enough to undo the past. 3
Another illusion about the world at large is that it is possible to repeatedly achieve peak sexual experience with each intimate encounter. However, in the real world there is no possibility of perfect sex (much less repetitively occurring perfect sex); this is a destructive myth that has been propagated by our society. It ruins the joy of actual sex due to the gap between reality and fantasy. It causes self-consciousness and performance anxiety by taking us out of our present moment. Some sexual fantasies (as promulgated by pornography) go so far beyond the realm of reality that compared to them everything else will most likely be disappointing. 4
Also, it is possible to confuse sexual need with our other needs, thus exaggerating its role in our lives. It is not uncommon to substitute sexual fantasy for whatever else is felt to be a deprivation. This can lead to the illusion that sexual satisfaction will fix everything in our lives when it will not. 5
In a related vein is the illusion that it is possible to have a perfect connection with another human being (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). In a sense, we are seeking merger with him or her. We think that such a union will bring us feelings of deep contentment and security. The last time that was a possibility was in the womb! Yet we spend inordinate amounts of time trying to recreate it within our relationships. We need to remain cognizant of the fact that in this lifetime we are supposed to be individuating (becoming separate, conscious individuals), not trying to recreate an illusory womb where we can remain safely merged with someone else.
This does not mean that we will not achieve many lovely interludes of emotional connection within our lifetimes. Certainly we will. What it does mean is that we need to be content with the imperfect nature of these connections and not be too reliant on them for our sense of safety and well-being.
Another illusion we like to entertain about the world at large is that there exists a state of nirvana-like happiness that involves sustained, climactic highs. In reality happiness tends to be intermittent, relative to many uncontrollable factors, and more comfortably content than exhilarating.6 There is no chance for perfected, ongoing happiness; there are only times of comfort and relaxation that leave a sense of well-being. We should not be seeking addictive happiness highs. Such an unrealistic pursuit is too pressuring and intimidating for any human being to endure.
There are a few other illusions along the sustained happiness theme. Many of us hold the illusion that money brings never--ending happiness and perpetual problem-free living. Some think it may even provide immortality. In a related vein is an illusion about popularity curing all ills, one about success as an entryway to a rarefied realm of the satisfied elite, one about consistently winning in competitions as a method of achieving self-worth, and one about the good life filled with beautiful people as a pathway to being powerful, chosen, and “special.” All of these destroy reality, lead us to obsessional ways of functioning, and keep us from accepting our actual selves.
As you can see, illusions, beliefs, and expectations are linked. Once we buy into an illusion, we generate all kinds of beliefs about what we should or should not be doing. However, since illusions are terrible misperceptions of reality, they lead us to believe all the wrong things, which then give rise to skewed expectations. They lead us to believe that we can and must function above the realm of human possibility. This belief in superhuman functioning serves as an overarching theme which leads to a host of more specific beliefs that work in its service.
Some of the more specific superhuman beliefs might sound like:
I believe I must be consistently brilliant.
I believe I should always be forgiving.
I believe I should always be positive, upbeat, and nonjudgmental.
I believe I should be able to solve all my problems by myself.
I believe I should always be focused, competent, and capable.
I believe I can achieve anything.
I believe I can always be a winner.
We concoct all sorts of demanding, self-hating beliefs about ourselves accompanied by ridiculously exorbitant expectations, but if we are willing to take a look at which illusions we hold that cause us to apply such stringent beliefs and expectations to ourselves, we can successfully circumvent some very painful, self-critical feelings.
A powerful way to move away from illusion and toward self-acceptance is to live within the realm of human possibility.7 This means giving up our preoccupation with an idealized self and instead starting to live as normal human beings who are subject to the limitations of this world. In this process we will need to lower our lofty standards, limit our overzealous goals, and reduce our grandiose expectations.8 This is not to suggest that we allow our standards to become substandard, our goals to be uninspired, or our expectations to be lowered to our detriment. It simply means that we need to move into a realm that is full of attainable possibilities rather than a realm of guaranteed failure. This will allow us a sense of hope, fulfillment, strength, and peace.
In our efforts to keep our goals within the achievable range, it is important to pay attention not only to the nature of our beliefs and expectations, but also to their course. Sometimes we start off with a mostly realistic, well-intentioned belief/expectation that, taken too far, loses its validity. Perhaps we have started off with a relatively high but reasonable standard for success and allowed it to morph into a grandiose scheme for unlimited success. Or perhaps we have started off legitimately supporting a loved one and allowed this to transform into a masochistic sacrifice of self. Our course has now been altered due to too much of a good thing. A valid belief and standard for success has turned into an invalid one. Flexibility, intuition, self-care, and presence of mind are paramount when we are attempting to advance our goals without ending up in a self-hating world of illusion.
Having to live up to unrealistic standards, goals, and expectations is a vicious and ruthless endeavor. It is also a vicious and ruthless thing to impose on others. Such a pursuit is cruel not only in its initial demands for superior performance, but also in the need it imposes to consistently reproduce impossible levels of achievement or unfailingly be a superhuman being. It is merciless in that it sends us on a never-ending wild-goose chase, constantly pushing us toward the next superlative “high.”
The craving for a continual high indicates the presence of addiction. Unrealistic standards, goals, and expectations feed addiction; they amount to a coercion of the self to keep performing at unrealistic levels in pursuit of the next high. 9 Rather than obsessively chase peak experiences, we need to work compassionately with our own authentic self and guard against the need for image-driven highs. We need to watch out not only for the high itself but for the pressure to continually reproduce it as well, whether it is our quest for the high of continued success, continued popularity, continued status, or continued anything.
One thing we can do to stay away from unexcelled functioning and addictive highs is to allow ourselves to be ordinary and to enjoy our ordinariness. The word ordinary in this sense does not mean dreary, dull, or trite; it means normal, commonplace, and average. We do not have to be doing something amazing all the time. Nor do we have to be scintillating, deep, intellectually challenging, funny, witty, or pithy in our observations all the time. It is all too demanding and pressuring. We might also allow ourselves to enjoy the simple things in life like a beautiful sunset, a chat with a friend, or a walk in the park. There is something wonderful about being able to relax and participate in an activity that is unremarkable but satisfying. If we ever hear ourselves criticizing this kind of enjoyment, we may be in self-hating territory.
In our quest to reduce impossible standards and strivings, it is good to live our lives in what Theodore Isaac Rubin calls “compassionate shades of gray.” This means that we stay away from black-and-white functioning and instead see ourselves as complex beings whose emotional lives are exemplified by inconsistency, incongruity, and varying shades of all kinds of feelings.10 Likewise, we must come to see ourselves as beings whose mental lives are characterized by all kinds of cognitive errors that cause confusion, conflict, and misperceptions. The self is far from simplistic and should not be approached in a polarized, black-and-white manner. A black-and-white vision of self is just another false illusion presenting us with a stack of ridiculous shoulds leading to absurdly unrealistic goals and expectations.
Compassionate shades of gray ask that we not speak about ourselves and others in superlative terms. Everything does not have to be great, fabulous, fantastic, super, wonderful, marvelous, brilliant, or incredible. These superlatives usually indicate the agenda of a self-hating perfectionist, which must be turned aside. We need to be careful not to demand greatness of ourselves and others. We must learn to make do with a human-proportioned self and a normal life with expected ups and downs. When our true moments of greatness emerge from time to time, they can be savored, but they should never be our main focus in life.
Becoming familiar with the pride positions of our idealized self can also be very helpful in recognizing our overinflated illusions. Each time we discover a pride position within ourselves we unearth an illusion that we hold. This may be a pride position of saintliness, greatness, smartness, successfulness, specialness, kindness, intuitiveness, self-awareness, wisdom, functioning ability, etc. Each time we make an effort to give up this pride position, we are able to somewhat relinquish the illusion. Eventually, we are able to discover reality and replace our self-hating demands with compassion.11
Noticing the presence of anxiety within ourselves can help us discover and relinquish our illusions as well. Anxiety can be present for a variety of reasons, but one of the main reasons is that we have bumped into an illusion that needs to be surrendered. This can be an illusion about our self, about another, or about the world at large. If it is about our self, it means that the gap between our illusory, idealized self and our real, actual self has become too disparate and conflictual for comfort. If it is about someone else, the gap between our idealized version of that person and reality has become too disappointing, frightening, or worrisome to easily tolerate. The same holds true for the gap between reality and our illusions about the world at large; once seen, the gap between the two can leave us feeling so frightened, disenchanted, and impotent that we may feel like we are having a nervous breakdown.
However, once we have identified the illusion, realistic disillusionment and compassionate relinquishment of the illusion can follow.12 This process is made easier by working through our primary feelings of fear, anger, sadness, and helplessness rather than twisting them into self-hating recriminations, guilt, shame, and depression. No one should be expected to relinquish an illusion without attending to the feelings that accompany the loss of it. In the long run, grieving is empowering.
Another thing we can do to keep ourselves in the realm of realism is to examine the maturity level of our expectations. If we are not to be consistently disappointed and self-attacking, our expectations must be somewhat mature. They cannot reflect our need for constant narcissistic support nor can they reflect all of our childhood dreams and longings. If they do, we will be consistently and bitterly disappointed.
We also need to look at the intensity level of our expectations. If we are not to be in a constant state of despair, disappointment, and self-loathing, our expectations need to be more like preferences rather than unyielding demands for specific outcomes. Of course there are some expectations that we cannot compromise on, such as the expectation that we be treated with consideration and respect. However, many of our expectations should have a little wiggle room. Our entire sense of self-esteem and well-being should not depend on whether or not someone lived up to our unyielding demands or whether we lived up to our own. The act of changing demands to preferences is a potent tool in our efforts to accept reality and to be at peace.
When working with illusions, we can err in either the direction of having expectations that are too high or too low. Expectations that are too high usually emerge from overinflated illusions held by the ideal self while those that are too low usually emerge from the self-hating illusions of the reviled self. Expectations that are too high put a huge burden on us and those around us; they place us in the fragile position of needing them to be filled in order for us to be okay. Expectations that are too low either result in a failure to live up to our potential or situations in which others are allowed to harm us and run all over us with impunity. Both invite victimization and reinforce our unworthiness.
If we can keep our expectations modulated, somewhat mature, suited to the constraints of the present moment, and in the preference zone rather than the demand zone, we will find our level of self-attack greatly diminished. Otherwise, we will have singlehandedly managed to set both ourselves and others up to fail and destined ourselves to feel repeatedly undervalued and unfulfilled.
Sometimes when there is a new awareness about the nature of reality, it remains difficult to relinquish our former illusion. This is the case because acceptance of the new reality must follow its acknowledgment, and sometimes we are unable to accept the truth. Perhaps it is too terrorizing, too grievous, or too difficult to acknowledge that we have spent most of our lives chasing a lie. It can also be difficult to accept a new reality because sometimes recriminations and harsh judgments of our self can follow the realization that we are neither omniscient nor omnipotent. This is largely due, however, to insufficient processing of the primary feelings, particularly fear and helplessness. Whatever the case, we need to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves a little time to adjust to our new reality.
Self-attack over our inability to live up to our illusions can be very stubborn and resistant, but we do at least need to attempt to make a change in the way we think about life and the things we demand of ourselves. The list of shoulds that we hold up for ourselves as a standard is both daunting and unrealistic. We need to give ourselves a break and dare to be human. We also need to give this latitude to others.