There is one last technique to be discussed that can be very helpful with stemming the tide of self-attack. This is the technique of working with our triggers. Whereas triggers are not directly related to self-attack, they are being discussed here because they oftentimes activate preexisting areas of self-attack such as guilt, shame, self-recrimination, and depression. Our triggers do this swiftly, leaving little opportunity for observation, reflection, or resolution. Once we are affected by a trigger, all we know is that we are instantly back in pain from the reemergence of something unpleasant from our past. Sometimes we do not even know that this is a repeat performance. We are completely unaware that our heightened emotional state is connected to a past event. We simply feel upset, angry, depressed, or irritable. We are also usually highly reactive to anything that occurs in our environment. However, if we are aware of the presence of a trigger, see it for what it is, and notice its impact, we can step back, detach, and keep our wits about us rather than fall helplessly into a self-attacking replay of an objectionable event.
A trigger is a stimulus that provokes a strong reaction within us. It can be an event, a word or phrase, a facial expression, a specific demeanor or mannerism, a certain way of behaving, a tone of voice, a level of attentiveness or lack of it, or a level of respect or lack of it, to name a few kinds of triggers. It is typically an external catalyst that sets off or activates something that is already present internally. As such, it is not the primary cause of our reaction, but more of an activator of something that is already present. Usually it is the stimulator of an unresolved issue or an unpleasant memory. It can also serve to highlight and stimulate an undesirable personality trait (predictable behavior/response pattern) that we do not wish to acknowledge.
A life experience that triggers an unresolved issue, unpleasant memory, or undesirable personality trait is quite different from a life experience that would elicit a strong emotional reaction in almost anyone. This is important to understand, as we are not to berate ourselves for having a strong, healthy emotional response to someone who is treating us poorly and/or inflicting pain. To be clear, when we speak of triggers, we are talking about activators of preexisting areas of pain, conflict, or behavioral response.
There are also internal triggers that exist due to biological processes such as hunger, hormonal imbalances, disease, imbalanced brain chemistry, or sexual need. These can cause emotional responses by themselves. However, like external triggers, they can also activate areas of inner turmoil that predate the current biological trigger.
When any of these preexisting parts of us are stimulated, we usually experience higher levels of negative emotion. We may feel angry, critical, afraid, hurt, guilty, ashamed, misunderstood, or rejected. Our behavior may become reactive and not nearly as controlled as usual. In general, when triggered, we do not exhibit the level of emotional or behavioral control that we normally do.
For instance, perhaps someone has said something about our level of responsibility not being what it should be regarding a minor oversight. They have arrogantly stalked away, leaving us powerless to respond. Our reaction to this is intensely negative. We know that we are highly responsible and that the incident at hand is not at all indicative of how we generally function. Usually we are stellar performers who exhibit a great deal of responsibility. The incident reminds us of memories from our past when we sincerely tried to do our best, but still were criticized, berated, and misunderstood. It also reminds us of times when there were unrealistic demands for perfection placed upon us. We are enraged that we keep trying so hard only to be misunderstood once again. We are sick of people who cannot begin to see us as we are. We are also exhausted and disgusted that perfection seems to be the only acceptable standard for success. We get very aggressive, say things to those around us that we wish we had not, and stomp out the door. We then turn things against ourselves for not speaking up, pronounce ourselves to be worthless, and go eat a pint of ice cream. We are emotionally and behaviorally out of control.
We could have used this triggering incident to acknowledge the terrible pain our emotional self has endured so many times in the past when others could not see, acknowledge, or appreciate its heartfelt efforts. We could have apologized to our emotional self for not having seen its pain before this. We could have strongly defended it and assured it that it did not have to be perfect. But we did not. We got reactive, lashed out at others, lashed out at our self, and behaved poorly all the way around.
As illustrated in this example, when we are triggered and experiencing a heightened level of reactivity, we can either turn our negative feelings toward others or toward ourselves. Both involve an upset emotional self; the blaming, attacking messages are just directed differently.
Most of the time, we do not even realize that our blaming and attacking behaviors are fueled by our activated issues. We are too busy judging the person or situation that served as a trigger or we are lost in our own self-recriminations. Certainly we are not in the mood to identify our unresolved issues, painful memories, or unwanted personality traits. Nor are we predisposed to determine what our messaging is to our emotional self.
Luckily, once we calm down, we can use our triggers to gain an awareness of what our emotional issues are and/or what disowned aspects of ourselves we so dislike. We begin to see that our present-day reactions to life’s triggers are linked to specific areas of pain from our past. Alternatively, we begin to notice that the undesirable traits we most react to in others reflect similar ones within our self. In other words, we can turn outward reactivity into inward looking.
Turning outward reactivity into inward looking is a wonderful way to short-circuit self-attack. It is also a great way to reclaim any judged or disowned parts of our self. Most importantly, our inner looking can help us gain an awareness of our emotional self ’s needs. Any time we notice that we have been triggered, we should quickly and automatically ask ourselves “What part of me needs comfort, acceptance, and support? What part of me is presenting itself for healing?”
When we have determined what hateful things we have been saying to our self, we need to immediately apologize to the emotional self. We need to say “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”1 We must make this a practice that is done as often as necessary. Keep apologizing. Be sincere. Your pain will stop.
If we cannot determine exactly how we are attacking ourselves and therefore do not know what to apologize for, we can at least apologize to the emotional self for having to put up with whatever is externally occurring. In this way, we can continue to validate the emotional self as a valued and cared-for part of self. We can let it know that we wish we could protect it from all of life’s slings and arrows even when we cannot. At least we can let it know that it is not alone and that half of the things it has to endure are ridiculous to begin with.
What we are trying to do with all this attention to the emotional self is threefold.
First, we are trying to provide a good holding environment for what it has to say. That means that when it expresses its feelings, we are there to hear them, to catch them, and to contain them. In doing so, we have not let these feelings be flung out into darkness without a soul to care about them. We have brought them into the realm of our awareness and we have given them value.
Second, in apologizing to the emotional self, we are bringing it succor. We are recognizing its plight and comforting it in every way we can. We are offering support, assistance, and relief from pain.
Third, by apologizing to our emotional self for having hidden or judged any part of it, we reclaim our formerly disowned parts of self and help ourselves become less fragmented and more whole.
However, it is not just the emotional self that deserves an apology. The individuals acting as triggers need an apology as well. As strange as this sounds, it is an important component in our efforts to mitigate the effects of a trigger. We may need to mentally apologize for judging the triggering persons, for our unwillingness to understand their position or their pain, for confusing their actions with our own issues from the past, or for being impatient and abrasive in our interactions with them. We need to apologize for whatever we can think of. If we cannot think of anything to apologize for, we can simply offer a general apology, or apologize for not being ready to apologize.
Another thing we can do is attempt to see others’ pains and problems within ourselves and then work to heal those issues through forgiveness of the self. This allows us to get a better sense of other people’s struggles as well as our own. It softens our outlook and fosters a sense of oneness. It is healing for both parties.
Here is one more possibility. This will sound even stranger than the last, but it works. We can apologize to a triggering dog, a cat, or any other living thing. We can even mentally apologize to what we would normally deem inanimate objects that may be involved in a triggering situation. We can apologize to anything at all. The main thing is that the quality of our energy changes from an aggressive, judgmental, hard-hitting one to a smoother, milder, peaceful one. Our serenity moves us away from blame and redirects us to humble inward looking. Once we have done the above, our life events will have little power to trigger us. They will only be occurrences that help us to know ourselves and heal ourselves.
In a way, our triggers and the emotional self ’s reactions to them, provide a great service to us. Without the two, we would be hard pressed to know what is going on inside of us. Of course, we are already aware of some of what is going on within us, but since most of the content of our inner world resides in the unconscious, it is almost impossible to access unless something brings it to light. Our triggers and the emotional responses they garner do just that. They show us something that we probably did not know was present; they show us something that needs to be resolved or cleared. As such, they provide a great opportunity.
Because our triggers and our emotional responses to them have provided us with such an exceptional opportunity for growth, we need to not only internally apologize to anyone or anything who serves as a trigger, but thank them as well. We also need to thank our emotional self for bringing us the eye-opening experience that it has brought us.
None of the above suggestions are meant to force us to prematurely forgive someone. This would be abusive to an already injured emotional self. We are not looking for a grudging mutual handshake while still raging inside. Apologizing and asking another for forgiveness is just a first inner step toward peace of mind. The person receiving our apology never even has to know we have done so, but on an energetic level something will begin to shift, something will start to improve.
While we are not responsible for the actions of others, we are responsible for using our triggers and the responses they bring forward to clear ourselves of self-judgment and self-hatred. Of course, we do not have to accept this responsibility, but if we choose to do so, it will not only help bring serenity to our self and others, but will also reduce or terminate further reactivity.
When we are able to work with our triggers constructively, we are able to detach from whatever occurs in life. We only stay attached because of our own unresolved issues, disparaging evaluations of others, and critical self-judgments, which keep us reacting to whatever life brings. They keep us tied tight and reacting over and over. Since we cannot control what life brings, we can at least detach and try to usher in peace.