RILEY

Stella and I sit in her car in the parking lot at Fort Snelling, where we can see the parade of planes coming and going. I try to predict which one Dez is on.

“Are you sure you made the right decision?” she asks. “There’s still time. You could still go to the Tisch audition and then make up your mind later. A backup, just in case.”

“That’s what this is.” I rest my head on her shoulder. “Coming out here to say goodbye to Dez was my backup plan. I needed to make sure I was doing the right thing. I wanted to give myself the option of a harried airport scene, if I wanted it.”

“And do you?” Stella asks.

I shake my head. “Not in the slightest.”

“And what about Dez?” She lowers her voice. “Any second thoughts there?”

“Hmmm,” I say, feeling the squeeze in my chest. “Yeah, tons of second thoughts. Like … did I drive him to the craziness? Could I have prevented it? Was it my fault?”

“No, no, and no.” Stella’s face is tight; she’s clenching her teeth.

“Yeah, I know you’re right. But it’s hard. He was my friend for so long, and to have it end like this … ”

“It doesn’t have to be the end, Rye. Not if you don’t want it to be.”

“It does.” I take an extra gulp of air to keep the tears from falling. “I could never trust him again, and I don’t want to live that way. Not anymore.”

“I get it. But maybe in time?”

“Maybe.”

“Well.” Stella scoots over and puts her hands on my shoulders. “There’s plenty of time for maybes, but let’s just enjoy right now. You’re going to the U of M, Riley. Your Guthrie dream is coming true.”

It’s strange to think of it as my dream. It had always been ours. Dez and I each had half—it was only together that we made a whole. I ache for him; a phantom pain of a former life. It hurts, sometimes more than I can bear. Then at other times, I’m relieved that old me—that old us—is gone.

A plane soars above now and as we watch it go overhead, I say a silent goodbye to Dez.

Stella stays close. She is one of those people who never has to be in control. She’s content to just be.

She leans in and gives me the softest of kisses on my cheek.

My face stings from her lips.

It’s a good sting.

The best.