6
JUSTICE’S TOP 5
Mum slams the door shut behind me, catching me off guard like a Dave Taylor grubber-kick. She’s holding up a piece of paper and the handwriting looks like Justice’s.
‘Do you mind explaining this?’ she asks.
The top of the page says, ‘My top 5 ways to turn Dylan into Deadly D’. How could Justice be so careless? He must have dropped it this morning after those clowns followed him!
‘Where did you find this?’ I ask sheepishly.
‘Down the side of the front steps,’ Mum replies. ‘Well?’ she asks, her arms still crossed.
She’s staring at me so hard, she could hypnotise a water buffalo!
‘Has anyone else seen this?’ I ask.
‘Only me. You’d better read it.’
So I do.
My top 5 ways to turn Dylan into Deadly D
1. Tie Dylan to a really big skateboard (one of those long ones that the surfie-dudes have). Then tie a string of sausages around his neck and send him down Harris Street, past the house with the crazy dogs. *Note: Get a high-pitched dog whistle to scare dogs off after you have worked your magic.
2. Squirt superglue on headphones. Get Dylan to listen to warm-up music before a game. Allow enough time for glue to dry. Then talk to him. He won’t hear you, but he’ll see your mouth moving. Then he’ll try and take them off but they’ll be stuck. *Note: Get ready to run. Really fast.
3. Kidnap Dylan’s Johnathan Thurston’s action figure. Give it to the girl down the street so she can have tea-parties with it. Tell her to have a teaparty in her front yard on game day. Walk past with Dylan. He’ll freak when he sees JT sipping tea and eating cupcakes with Sparkles the fairy doll! *Note: Don’t let girl see Dylan turn into Deadly D. She’ll have nightmares forever!
4. Before the game, get Dylan to try out a new mouth guard. The night before, soak it in chilli oil, chilli sauce, chilli flakes and peppercorns. When he puts the mouth guard in, it will blow his head off! *Note: Do not let chilli come into contact with skin. If you get any on hands, wash straight away! Do not rub eyes or go to toilet! Ouch!
5. Crack an egg down his pants. Then throw in glitter. The sticky glittery egg mix will feel gross. It’ll also stay there for like, forever! *Note: Run faster than idea number two. Way faster.
When I finish reading, Mum lets me have it. ‘Ever since your father passed, it’s been you and me, right?’
‘Yeah,’ I say.
‘And trust is important for both of us, would you agree?’
‘Mum, you know you can trust me.’
She’s trying to be strong, but Mum looks up at the ceiling and the tears start coming. ‘I wish I could, boy,’ she replies. ‘I rely on you more than you think. It’s hard being away from family, from mob.’ Mum pats her eyes with a tissue. ‘If you are keeping something from me, I need to know what it is.’
‘Promise you won’t get mad?’ I ask.
‘I never make promises I can’t keep, son.’
‘I’ve been meaning to tell you something,’ I say nervously.
Mum doesn’t say anything. She waits.
‘I’m not a ball boy with the Broncos.’
Mum screws up her face. ‘Well then, what have you been doing with them every weekend?’ she asks.
I watch her ears for signs of steam. ‘You know that Deadly D fella?’
‘I’ve heard about him. Everyone at work thinks he’s, well, deadly.’
‘And you know how I’ve been trying to deal with my curse?’ I say.
Mum looks at me suspiciously. ‘Yes?’
‘Well, I’m Deadly D. I’m playing for the Broncos.’
‘What?’ yells Mum, hitting the roof.
I take a big, deep breath. ‘Just hear me out. When we first came to Brisbane, I saw this bully picking on Justice. So I stepped in to save him but the bully pushed me and then my curse took over and I turned into a man-creature and then he picked on me at the Broncos school excursion and the curse struck again and I ran out onto the field and knocked over some players accidentally and the coach picked me to play for the team and Justice and I have been keeping it a secret from everyone but the Broncos love me, they really love me, Mum, and I have fans that want my autograph and I even have twelve thousand followers on Instagram!’
I stop and catch my breath. That was the longest sentence ever! I take another breath, ready to explain more, but Mum cuts me off.
‘And how many people know about this?’ she asks.
‘Only Justice, Taylor and me,’ I say. Now probably isn’t a good time to tell her how that nosey newspaper reporter, Bruce Sharp, almost uncovered my secret.
‘And you’ve been flying around the country playing football?’ Mum asks.
She sounds hurt. I try to think of a positive. ‘But the Broncos are paying me!’ I say. ‘I’m saving the money so that we can buy a house of our own!’
‘You lied to me, Dylan,’ she says. Her face is strong. She means business.
‘But I’m the man,’ I say. ‘I even smashed Greg Inglis in a tackle the other week. The crowd loved it.’
Mum grabs me by the shoulders. ‘You’re no man. You’re a boy! You could be killed out there!’ She lets go of me and walks towards the front door. ‘You’re all I have, son!’
Mum always goes for a drive when she needs space and she grabs her car keys. ‘I’m going for a drive, I need to think.’
‘But Mum — ’
‘But nothing, Dylan Conlan!’ Mum yells, turning to face me. ‘And Dylan?’
‘Yes, Mum?’
‘What on earth is Instagram?’
