THE MAJOR’S LOST PIPE
SEPTEMBER 4: “A full mail-bag and a bottle of white wine are the best spirit revivers for war-worn fighting-men,” said Major Mallaby-Kelby contentedly, gathering up his own big batch of letters from the one and sipping a glass of the other.
During two days Brigade Headquarters and the four batteries had received piles of belated letters and parcels, and there was joy in the land. I remember noting the large number of little, local, weekly papers - always a feature of the men’s mail; and it struck me that here the countryman was vouchsafed a joy unknown to the Londoner. Both could read of world-doings and national affairs in the big London dailies; but the man from the shires, from the little country towns, from the far-off villages of the British Isles, could hug to himself the weekly that was like another letter from home - with its intimate, sometimes trivial, details of persons and places so familiar in the happy uneventful days before the war.
As for the white wine, that did not greatly interest the other members of Brigade Headquarters mess. But the diary contained the bald entry, “At 9.30 P.M. the whisky ran out,” in the space headed Aug. 28; and none had come to us since. People at home are inclined to believe that the whisky scarcity, and the shortage of cakes and biscuits, and chocolate and tobacco, scarcely affected officers’ messes in France. It is true that recognised brands of whisky appeared on the Expeditionary Force Canteens’ price-list at from 76 to 80 francs a dozen, but there were days and days when none was to be bought, and no lime-juice and no bottled lemon-squash either. Many a fight in the September-October push was waged by non-teetotal officers, who had nothing with which to disguise the hideous taste of chlorinate of lime in the drinking water. Ah well!
There was also the serious matter of Major Mallaby-Kelby’s pipe. It became a burning topic on Sept. 4. “I must have dropped it yesterday when we tumbled into that gas,” he told me dolefully. “I mustn’t lose that pipe. It was an original Dunhill, and is worth three or four pounds…. I’ll offer a reward for it…. Will you come with me to look for it?” And he fixed his monocle and gazed at me compellingly.
“Does the offer of a reward refer to me, sir?” I inquired with all the brightness at my command. For answer the major commenced putting on his steel helmet and box-respirator.
It was fitting that I should go. I had accompanied the major on all his excursions, and my appearance over the horizon had become a sure warning to the batteries that the major was not far off. “Gunner Major and Gunner Minor” some one had christened us.
The major conducted the search with great verve. We encountered a gunner chopping wood, and he told him the story of the pipe. “I’ll give twenty-five francs to any one who brings it to me,” he concluded. The gunner saluted and continued to chop wood.
“Rather a big reward!” I remarked as we walked on.
“Do you think twenty-five too much? Shall I make it fifteen?”
“You’ve committed yourself now,” I answered solemnly.
Our arrival at the trench in which we had sheltered the day before coincided with the whizz-phutt of a 4·2 dud. “I shall be sorry if I get you killed looking for my pipe,” said the major cheerfully. We waited for the next shell, which exploded well behind us, and then hastened to the spot where our quest was really to commence. Four gunners belonging to the ——rd Brigade stood idly in the trench. The major stopped and looked down upon them. He addressed himself directly to a wall-faced, emotionless kind of man whose head and shoulders showed above the trench top.
“I was down here yesterday,” began the major, “and lost my pipe. It was a very valuable pipe, a pipe I prize very much. I think it must be somewhere in this trench….”
The wall-faced man remained stolidly silent.
“I want to get it back again,” went on the major; “and if any of you fellows find it and bring it to me - I’m Major Mallaby-Kelby, commanding the ——nd Brigade - I’ll give a reward of twenty-five francs.”
“Is this it, sir?” said the wall-faced man in matter-of-fact tones, whipping out of his pocket a thin-stemmed pipe with a shapely, beautifully-polished bowl.
“By Jove, that’s it!” exclaimed the major, taken aback by the swift unexpectedness of the recovery. “Yes, by Jove, that’s it,” he continued, his face lighting up. He took the pipe and rubbed the bowl affectionately with the palm of his hand.
“Twenty-five francs reward!” I murmured softly.
“Yes, that’s right,” he said briskly, and began turning out his pockets. Three maps, a pocket-handkerchief, some ration biscuits, and a notecase with nothing in it. “You must lend me twenty-five francs,” he declared masterfully.
The wall-faced gunner accepted the money without any sign of repressed emotion, and saluted smartly. The smiles of the other men broadened into grins as the major and myself set our faces homewards.
There were more serious matters to consider when we got back. D Battery had had two men killed by shell fire in the wood; the other batteries had had to send away a dozen men between them, overcome by gas; the Infantry brigadier wished to discuss fresh plans for hastening the enemy’s departure from the neighbourhood of the canal.
In the afternoon I accompanied the major on a round of the batteries. Nests of Boche machine-gunners were still checking the advance of our infantry - they had fought heroically these fellows; but slowly, methodically, implacably the work of rooting them out was going on. Our farther advance was only a matter of hours now. “We’re ordered not to risk too many casualties on this front,” the Infantry brigadier had told the major. “The enemy will have to fall back when certain movements north and south of us are completed…. But we mustn’t let him rest.” Beale of A Battery had returned from the most crowded glorious experience of his young life. He had taken a gun forward to support two companies of the infantry who were striving to establish posts on the eastern side of the canal. Their progress was stayed by machine-guns and snipers, and the casualties were beginning to make the company commanders doubt if the operation was worth while. Beale reconnoitred with two platoon commanders and located the machine-guns, returned and brought his gun up, and from an open position fired over four hundred rounds; and afterwards went forward in front of the advanced posts to make sure that the machine-guns had been definitely put out of action. This brilliant effort enabled the infantry to move forward afterwards without a casualty. Dusty, flushed with the thrill of what he had been through, Beale knew that he had done fine work, and was frankly pleased by the kind things said about him.
The following day produced fresh excitements. Major Simpson had gone down to B Battery’s waggon line to secure something like a night’s rest - although I might say that after the spring of 1917 the Boche night-bombers saw to it that our waggon lines were no longer the havens of peace they used to be. Disaster followed. The Boche drenched the battery position with gas. Captain Denny, who had come up from the waggon line to relieve the major, was caught while working out the night-firing programme. Overbury, young Bushman, and another officer were also gassed; and eight men besides. C Battery were victims as well, and Henry and a number of the gunners had been removed to the Casualty Clearing Station.
And before lunch-time a briefly-worded order was received directing Major Mallaby-Kelby to report immediately to a Field Artillery Brigade of another Division. Orders are apt to arrive in this sudden peremptory fashion. Within an hour and a half the major had bidden good-bye to us and ridden off, a mess cart following with his kit. And Major Veasey came to reign in his stead.
Major Mallaby-Kelby left one souvenir, a bottle of the now famous white wine which had got mislaid - at least the cook explained it that way. The omission provided Brigade Headquarters with the wherewithal to drink the major’s health.
At nine o’clock that night I stood with Major Veasey outside our headquarters dug-out. A mizzling rain descended. Five substantial fires were burning beyond the heights where the Boche lay. “What’s the odds on the war ending by Christmas?” mused the major. “… I give it until next autumn,” he added.
A battery of 60-pounders had come up close by. Their horses, blowing hard, had halted in front of our dug-out half an hour before, and the drivers were waiting orders to pull the guns the final three hundred yards into position. Two specks of lights showed that a couple of them were smoking cigarettes. “Look at those drivers,” I said. “They’ve been here all this time and haven’t dismounted yet.”
The major stepped forward and spoke to one of the men. “Get off, lad, and give the old horse a rest. He needs it.”
“Some of these fellows will never learn horse management though the war lasts ten years,” he said resignedly as he went downstairs.
I remember our third and last night in that dug-out, because the air below had got so vitiated that candles would only burn with the feeblest of glimmers.