I have been sitting in this toilet cubicle for what seems like ages but is only about fifteen minutes. Mrs Truong has not come looking for me and I wonder whether this is a bad sign. Maybe she thinks I am cross with her because of what she said. She probably thinks a lot of things that are equally untrue but what can I do to change that? Her view of the world is so screwed-up that to try to make her see things differently would be like trying to untangle a ball of barbed wire – painful.
I will go back out there soon. I just need a few more minutes of peace; time to think, that’s all I want right now. Not much, just enough to figure out how I am going to sort this mess. Aunt Liz used to say to me, “Don’t sit there whinging because that won’t change anything. You’ve got two choices with every problem. Fuck it or fix it. It’s as simple as that.” Yeah right. Well then, my friend, I certainly have fucked this one!
Now for my next trick. What will it be? To go back out there and keep telling my story to Mrs Truong? Or sit there with her, pretending that everything is going to be okay? Christ, we both know things are seriously wrong. So how long before one of us cracks and actually says it out loud?
My feet are taking me back to the waiting room. It is as if they have a mind of their own. Or maybe they are so over listening to all my bullshit. Either way, I give up and tag along.
Mrs Truong is right where I left her but as I walk towards her I am shocked by how old she looks. It is like she has aged twenty years or something in the last few hours. Her face is drawn and lined and she looks like she has given up on everything. I hand her a coffee and she smiles up at me.
“Sorry for leaving you like that. It wasn’t about what you said or anything. I just …” Shit, now I’m crying. “I’m sorry …” Jesus, she has stood up and is hugging me. I’m not the huggy type but I am hugging her right back. The whole waiting room is probably looking at us but I don’t care. I ask in a shaky whisper, “H-have they said anything more about Mai-Ling?” Mrs Truong’s face falls and her eyes water as she shakes her head. I want to sit down again but I don’t want to offend by being first to break away. That’s why I don’t like hugs. Everyone seems to always hang on for ages and I never know how long before I can pull away. She has read my mind again because she has dropped her arms. We sit and I take this as a chance to start to make things right.
“Mrs Truong, I want to tell you about a big fight Mai-Ling and I had and about something I dared her to do. Maybe then you’ll see why we are so close, not because I want to tattle-tale or anything.”
She sips her coffee and nods, “I don’t think you are telling tales. I know how much you care about Mai-Ling. Please, go on.”
My respect for her is growing. I mean she is so decent, exactly like a mum should be. Mai-Ling is lucky to have her. And I always thought I had it good because Dad had so much money. Go figure.
Anyway, here I go again. We shift around on the hard plastic chairs and settle in for the next episode of my story.
Halfway through this year we did our Trials, you know, the practice exams for HSC. Mai-Ling and I had really worked hard and I felt pretty confident that I would do well. I had the advantage because I was better at English. By this time I had kind of forgiven her for the essay thing and we hadn’t spoken of it again.
I was part of a new group of girls too and had even regained some of my popularity as one of the cool chicks. But Mai-Ling was also pretty popular too and there was an unspoken rivalry between us.
The problem was, with this new crowd I kind of felt like I was ‘the friend’. You know, like I was included because I was with Mai-Ling. Unlike when I was part of Elle’s group; then I was the popular chick and Mai-Ling was the nerd.
Deep down I felt a bit insecure so I started to compete with Mai-Ling over silly things. I knew if I beat her in the exams this would really mean something. I would have some kind of edge, you know? It was like my new gang would rate me more than Mai-Ling because I was smart, that kind of stuff.
Anyway, I thought I would be able to shrug it off if Mai-Ling did better than me; that I was cool enough to not let it affect me. But when the results came back and Mai-Ling had topped the year, I couldn’t handle it. I knew she got better marks partly because of my essay. Suddenly I was back in that space again and couldn’t let it go.
I hated being so shitty but I couldn’t help it. Everyone was congratulating Mai-Ling and the teachers were gushing over her like she was a genius. She just lapped it all up like she really deserved it. She could have said something like I know my marks were better because of your essay and thanks for not saying anything. At least I’d have felt she appreciated what I had done, but she said nothing.
I stopped hanging out with her to punish her. I never discussed it with her; I just stopped speaking to her at all. It worked too. I could see it really hurt her feelings and she didn’t know what she had done. She’d like, try to call my mobile and stuff but I’d reject the call. Then she’d text me but I’d never reply. It was really bitchy but I didn’t care.
In the end she was so desperate to be back as my friend that she chased me all the way to the train station to talk to me. I was really stand-offish with her and she ended up crying, which I kind of thought made up for the way I felt but I didn’t let her off. She was standing on the platform with everyone staring at us, going on how she was sorry for whatever it was that she had done. I told her that she was a fraud and a cheat and her marks were bullshit. As soon as she figured out I was still going on about the essay thing, she changed. She stopped crying and got really mad. She like started screaming, “When will you get over that? I said sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do about it now!” I said that if she was really sorry she had to prove it to me. That she had to do something that I dared her to do. It was cruel and I hate myself for doing it but I wanted her to make a sacrifice for me so I dared her to shoplift with me.
I wait for a reaction from Mrs Truong but she just asks another question as though what I’d requested was perfectly reasonable. I am getting used to this type of response from her now and it is okay really.
“So what did she do, Carrie?”
“I didn’t think she would but she did and then … well I’ll explain what happened.”
We went to Myer department store and stuffed a pair of sunglasses under our jumpers when we thought no-one was looking. Mai-Ling looked kind of nervous but I was pretty cocky. I’d done it before and got away with it so I figured it was just a bit of a joke really to see Mai-Ling take it so seriously.
Anyway, on the way out of the store this security guy stops us. I was totally taken by surprise. I hadn’t spotted him watching us but he even knew what the sunglasses I had taken looked like. When I tried to deny I had them, he made me put my hands up and they fell out from under my jumper. I looked at Mai-Ling who was made to do the same but she had nothing. I couldn’t believe it; somehow she had managed to get rid of them before we got caught.
They let her go but I was marched back into the store where they wrote down my name and stuff and called Dad. He had to come down and get me and he was so pissed off. In his mind he was such a tough love kind of father and made up this really lame punishment to make me regret what I had done. He grounded me for a month. Can you believe it? Stupid old fart. I didn’t care because he was never home anyway, so he had no idea whether I was there or not.
There was a time when I would have been pissed off with Mai-Ling too for leaving me to take all the blame. But actually, I thought she was pretty cool for being smart enough to ditch the stuff. I had this new-found respect for her and we were so back to being friends again.
Funny isn’t it? I was shitty because people thought she was smarter than me at school but really impressed that she was better than me when it came to stealing. It’s nuts really.
Mrs Truong is smiling like she gets the irony. “Well, Carrie, I don’t think it’s nuts. It makes sense and I have a story for you that you might like to hear.”
She has that thinking look of hers on again. “Thank you. I’d like to hear your story.”
“When we were in Villawood something similar happened to Mai-Ling. The children were bored a lot of the time, as I have told you before, and this often led to mischief. She was friends with this group of girls who were not good for her but she would not listen to me.”
She is pausing like she is waiting for me to respond in some way. I just nod and she continues.
“One day, one of these girls asked her to steal something for her. It was something small but meant to prove that Mai-Ling was part of the gang. She did as she was asked but got caught. Then when the security guard asked why she did it she said she had been dared. The other girl then got into trouble as well and from then on the whole gang made Mai-Ling’s life very difficult. She learned very quickly not to speak out about anyone or anything – and not to get caught in the first place.”
I sort of give Mrs Truong a knowing smile, “I’ve got to agree with you there, she certainly had that one wrapped up.”
She smiles back at me and continues.
“I worried my daughter would be led astray but luckily we left soon after that. Mai-Ling would have respected you for not telling the security guard that she had also taken a pair of sunglasses.”
“We kind of had an understanding of each other after that. You know, she still had them, she just hid them better than me.”
Mrs Truong suddenly looks old and sad again as she shakes her head and stares hard at the ground. Jesus, I shouldn’t have said that. “Mrs Truong, it wasn’t like she took things …”
Mrs Truong is not listening, she is thinking about something else. “Carrie, that is why she never told you the truth about her scholarship.”
“Because of the sunglasses?”
“No. Because she knew what would happen if she did.”
A cold shiver washes down my spine as I remember the look on Pham’s face earlier tonight as he glared at me from his car.