Mrs Truong is starting to shiver. She is trying to disguise it by clasping her hands tightly in her lap. I can see by the way she is biting her lip that she is near breaking point. I reach over and put my hand on hers. I wonder whether I should hug her or something, like the way she hugged me. I can’t though, I feel too awkward.
Instead, I lean over and pull her head onto my shoulder. “It will be okay, Mrs Truong. I promise.” She is quivering all over now and I can feel her tears soaking through my top onto my shoulder. “Shall I get you some water or something?”
“I need to see Mai-Ling. I just need to see my daughter. I need to tell her … I need to tell her I love her,” she whispers.
I’m choking on my words and the tears are streaming down my face. “I will go and find someone; I will make them listen to me. Wait here, okay? I’ll be right back.”
All the faces on the front desk are new but I won’t be fobbed off again so I rehearse what I’m going to say if I get another no. I choose the nurse who looks the friendliest and stride up like she is just waiting for the chance to help me.
“Hi, I brought my friend Mai-Ling in here a few hours ago and I need to …” She is looking back at me like she has no idea who I am talking about. “Mai-Ling, the Vietnamese girl, she was really sick and …”
“Oh, yes I know who you mean … we were wondering if anyone had been told she was here.”
“What do you mean? Her mum and I have been sitting here for hours! We’ve been asking to see her for ages.”
The woman looks genuinely surprised. “I’m sorry. I’ve only been here for the last hour or so. The last shift didn’t mention anything.”
“Christ! Her mum is beside herself with worry. No-one will tell us anything and no-one will let us see her and …” I am almost screaming at her as I point out Mrs Truong so that she can see just how upset she is.
“I’ll find out what is happening for you.”
Shit, I was all prepared for a fight and I can’t believe what she just said. I nod at Mrs Truong and her eyes brighten as her face loses some of its tension. Suddenly I feel like I can sort this out, you know, really can fix it after all.
The nurse returns in a few minutes with a doctor. Not the doctor I spoke to before, someone new.
“Hi, I’m Dr Lindal. Sorry about the mix up. No-one told us you were here.” He is holding out his hand and I go to shake it but as I clutch it I realise he is pointing to the chairs behind us.
“Please, sit down.”
My face burns and my stomach sinks with embarrassment. “Yeah, thanks.”
He smiles back like it does not matter to him that I am a total idiot. “Does Mai-Ling’s mother speak English?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I would like to talk to you both.”
We sit down and I introduce Mrs Truong to the doctor. He looks at her with real compassion, unlike that other jerk.
“Mrs Truong, your daughter is stable at the moment but has not regained consciousness. I know this is very distressing for you but I want you to know we are doing everything we can. I am sorry to have to be the one telling you this but I think it is important that you understand that there is a strong possibility that she may not regain consciousness.”
I feel like I’ve been punched in the guts. I blurt out, “Do you mean she might die?”
The doctor nods long before he speaks. “It is possible.”
I watch Mrs Truong for a reaction but she just stares at the doctor with a neutral expression on her face. It is like she has heard the words but they have not filtered through to her brain yet.
I hold her hand and look directly at the doctor. “Can we see her? Just for a minute even?”
He nods. Thank God!
“Not for long, but yes, you can both come in and see her.”
Mrs Truong is crying as I help her up. I am so grateful that someone is actually listening to us that I want to cry too but I won’t let myself. I want to be strong for Mrs Truong, to be the one who’s there for her this time. I smile back at the doctor instead. “Thanks so much.”
He gives me an appreciative look. “The nurse will take you through.”
I take Mrs Truong’s forearm and guide her past the plastic doors, the same doors that until now have been such a barrier. We walk down the corridor and turn into Mai-Ling’s room.
The minute I see Mai-Ling lying there on the bed I am taken aback. It is Mai-Ling alright but no-one has prepared us for how terrible she looks right now. I can hardly recognise her. Her skin is grey and her hair is matted and limp. She looks vacant, with her mouth open and drooping to one side. Jesus, there is even a string of drool hanging from the corner and pooling on her pillow. Mrs Truong is staring at her too with disbelief.
I gently take her arm and walk her over to the bed. I’m scared shitless but unless I do something we’d both be standing in the doorway like fools for ever. I am torn between staying with Mrs Truong and giving her some space. I choose to step back.
She just stands there for a few minutes watching Mai-Ling breathe. I am helpless, totally helpless. “Mrs Truong?”
She doesn’t answer me. “Are you okay, Mrs Truong?”
Christ, she is crying. Not the quiet tears of before, this is loud heartfelt sobbing. She is saying something over and over in Vietnamese as she wraps herself over Mai-Ling and cradles her head. Then, in a desperate whisper she says something in English.
“I am sorry, I am so sorry, please don’t die, please don’t die my beautiful girl. I love you Maia … I love you …”
I watch Mrs Truong’s despair. I am frozen, powerless. How can I tell her what really happened tonight? How?
The nurse has come in now and is taking Mrs Truong out of the room. I follow. I cannot look back at Mai-Ling. Seeing her like that, it is all too real and I just can’t …
Back in our same seats, our island, neither of us speaks. I am too frightened to break the ice in case Mrs Truong goes into a total meltdown. I can’t handle this anymore. I wish I’d not seen Mai-Ling. Not seen her like that.
I want to retreat to my toilet cubicle again but Mrs Truong grabs my arm as I start to get up. She is holding it tighter than ever.
“I was looking forward to the day when Mai-Ling got married. To see her as a bride.”
“And you will, Mrs Truong. She will get married one day and you will be there.”
Her words sting so hard that I have to swallow the puke that has erupted in my throat. “No, she’s going to be okay. I just know it. Don’t give up. She won’t die!”
“Do you have a boyfriend, Carrie?”
“A boyfriend?”
“Yes, I never asked you that before. I asked about Mai-Ling having a boyfriend but I never asked you.”
I look into her eyes to see if she is still focusing. It is like she has lost the plot or something. Why would she care if I had a boyfriend, you know, at a time like this?
“I need you to keep telling me your story. Please, Carrie, this pain in my heart is so great. I need to take my mind to happier times.”
I get it. Christ I get it. I feel the pain she is talking about too and I suddenly feel a real connection with her. “Okay.”
I decide to tell her about something that I have not told anyone but Mai-Ling before. I take a deep breath and restart my story like this.
I had a boyfriend before Mai-Ling and I were really good friends. We were together for about a year but he dumped me for this other chick. I was pretty heartbroken but I thought I got over it pretty quickly.
Anyway, one night, when I was out in the city with Mai-Ling, I got this text from him, “hey sxc i no now i made a mistake lettin u go. Any chance i cud make it up 2 u?”
I was really excited but I didn’t tell Mai-Ling. I replied “U can try 2 make it up 2 me”. Then he messaged that he was at a club in the city and I should hook up with him there, just us.
It was really slack but I told Mai-Ling some bullshit about having to get home and then raced straight over there.
We had a great night and I ended up going back to his place for… well anyway I was back being his girlfriend and I was really happy.
The stupid thing was, I really hated the type of girls who dumped their girlfriends the minute a guy was on the scene. I didn’t mean it to be that way but I couldn’t help myself. I would put everyone off from making plans just in case he wanted to see me that night, or worse still I’d dump my girlfriends if he called last minute.
I knew Mai-Ling was getting the shits because in the end she stopped making plans with me and for a while I didn’t see much of her. You know, I was so involved in Steve’s world that my girlfriends didn’t matter anymore.
Then one night at a party, Steve asked me to come up to one of the bedrooms. I was pretty drunk and it seemed like a great idea at the time.
When I got up there though, one of his friends was there smoking a joint. I thought Steve would ask him to leave. Instead he sat down on the floor with him and his friend passed me the joint. I was pretty out of it already and joined them on the floor for a smoke.
After about five minutes his friend leaned over and started to kiss me. He moved his hand under my top and well, you know started getting … anyway. I was expecting Steve to punch him or something but to my surprise he didn’t. I looked up at him and he was taking photos with his phone camera.
I couldn’t believe it. I could hardly think straight let alone walk straight, and when I tried to push his mate off me he pinned me down and started ripping off my clothes. I was screaming “No, No! Make him stop, Steve!” but he ignored me. I couldn’t make him stop and with the music blaring, no-one else could hear me.
He had sex with me and so did Steve and I was crying and everything but they didn’t care, they just kept going. They kept taking photos and everything all the way through like I was some porno star or something.
As I tell my story I can feel my chest tighten and I am finding it hard to breathe. Shit! I am feeling the same panic I felt back then. I am shaking, and the room feels like it is ten times smaller. Sweat is trickling down into my eyes as I gasp for air.
Mrs Truong’s hand is on my shoulder. “Carrie… are you alright Carrie?”
My voice has gone really crackly. I want to run outside and puke but my head has become so confused that I cannot move. I suck in air and smile back at her, “I’m okay. Thanks.”
“You don’t have to continue …”
“No, truly, I can go on.” I take a deep breath and focus. It has suddenly become important to me that I tell it to the end so I push my anxiety to the side and continue with my story.
When they were finished, Steve and his mate just left me there in the room. It took ages to get dressed and to go back out to the party. I knew they had all these photos on Steve’s phone and they were probably showing everyone. I was totally shamed and alone. I didn’t know what to do. I had dissed all my girlfriends for the past month, even Mai-Ling, and didn’t feel I could call any of them.
I wandered around outside in the street for ages. It was kind of surreal. I knew I had been raped but I thought that maybe it didn’t count because I was with my boyfriend or something. Like, who would believe me anyway? It wasn’t like I was an angel in the first place.
Eventually I got a cab and called Mai-Ling. I didn’t know what else to do. And despite everything she came straight over to help me. She didn’t once say any of the things she could have said, she was just there for me. She was a true friend that night and I’ll never forget it. She let me prattle on and cry and she just listened, never once judging me or anything.
I stop talking because I am crying again, but this time I am not crying for me. I am crying because I know how much I have let Mai-Ling down tonight.
Mrs Truong is looking at me with such compassion in her eyes. She is not judging me at all even though I deserve to be judged. I know I don’t deserve her kindness but I feel a sort of bond with her right now and I need to talk to her. I really need to tell her how I felt that night so I continue to spill my words, in between my sobs.
I had never felt so vulnerable in my life before. I had put myself in a situation where I couldn’t even look after myself because I was so drunk. I trusted Steve, I thought I was okay because he was there but I realised later that if my girlfriends had been around, even if they had all been off with other guys, if we had all been looking out for each other at the party then I probably would have been okay.
I gaze up at Mrs Truong who is looking silently at me, “Do you know what I mean?”
Mrs Truong nods and squeezes my hand but I know what she is thinking. Where was I tonight? Why wasn’t I looking out for Mai-Ling?