As I rest my head on Mrs Truong’s shoulder, I can see the beginnings of daylight creep through the window behind us. With the night’s grey shadows slowly dissolving in front of me, I feel like I have stepped into a parallel universe – some kind of time warp perhaps. It’s like there were a million possibilities for last night and Mai-Ling and I just stepped through the wrong fucking door. Christ, this whole thing is unreal.
Right about now we should be walking down the street, shoes in hand, looking for a cab to go home. We should be talking about the night like it was just a stepping stone to the next. You know, making plans about which guys we would see again and what clubs we would check out next.
I always thought the worst thing that could happen to me would be something like catching herpes or getting pregnant. Fuck, I never imagined anything like this.
We have been waiting for hours for someone to tell us what the hell is going on with Mai-Ling. It is like we are lost at sea, marooned on our tiny island and hoping like crazy that someone will burst through those plastic doors and rescue us.
I am shit scared to even let myself think, because I can only imagine the worst. It’s like I’m fighting ghosts and it’s freaking me out. For fuck’s sake, even the voices in my head have gone dead quiet and an eerie silence has fallen in their place.
There are no words of support from anyone. There are no promises and worse still there are no lies. Just a spoilt teenager and a middle-aged Vietnamese woman left to comfort each other and wait for God only knows what.
I have been telling Mrs Truong my story because she needs something to hang onto, but we both know it’s a waste of time. We are both reading between the lines. We have both picked up on the subplot underpinning the narrative, which is playing out like a classic whodunit. There are clues which allude to a possible conclusion but right up to the last page we will still be guessing. All the way along we will tell ourselves that surely this cannot be it, that there must be something missing. But as we read the last line we will have to accept that there is no more. That it all finishes so abruptly. No explanations, no tying up of loose ends, just ‘The End’ full-stop.
I spiral into fear again and clutch Mrs Truong even more tightly. She responds by hugging me back and I try to hide my tears but they are drenching her blouse. I am tired and emotionally drained and I’d give anything to be somewhere else right now.
The dawn waiting room is finally quiet. The nurses at the triage station float in and out calling the occasional name but not ours. We have both come to expect this now and do not even lift our heads up.
But as I say this, as if to make a liar out of me, a young-looking doctor bursts through the plastic doors and heads straight for us. The nurse following him is pointing at Mrs Truong and as if on cue we both jump up. Mrs Truong’s hand tightens over mine as we brace ourselves.
“This is the mother, Mrs Truong,” the nurse says.
My stomach plummets to the floor. Their faces tell me that this is not good news and my words hardly manage to claw their way out of my mouth: “Is it Mai-Ling? What’s happening?” I search for an answer in their expressions but they’re giving nothing away.
The doctor looks directly at Mrs Truong, “You are Mai-Ling’s mother?”
As she struggles to reply I step in. “Yes, she is. What’s happening? Where is the doctor we spoke to last time?”
“Do you speak English Mrs Truong?” The doctor is speaking so slowly it is embarrassing. What is his problem? Does he think we are both morons or something?
Mrs Truong is nodding and the doctor gives the nurse a sideways glance like he is now the one searching for words.
I cannot hold on any longer. “Is she dead? For fuck’s sake, just tell us. Is she dead?”
The doctor is now looking straight at me. His lips quiver slightly like he is about to answer but he remains silent. A chill freezes me to the spot and sweat is running off my face like I’m caught in the rain. All I can manage is a hoarse whisper, “Is she?”
His answer is directed to Mrs Truong, “I’m sorry, we can’t do anything more for your daughter. You should come through now and see her.”
“No! You have to be able to do something!” I beg but he just shakes his head. Mrs Truong is looking at me quizzically like I need to translate the doctor’s words but I cannot bring myself to say more. Instead, I take her arm as we follow the doctor back through the plastic doors.
I let Mrs Truong go to Mai-Ling first and hang back in the door. Not that I’m being noble or kind or shit like that; I am being a fucking coward pretending to do the right thing.
At first I think Mai-Ling is still unconscious but as Mrs Truong leans over and kisses her cheek, her eyes open. My heart skips a beat and for a moment a wave of relief takes my breath away. It is like the nightmare has dissolved in this instant, I’m awake and everything is alright. Then the moment disappears just as quickly as it came. As I look more closely at Mai-Ling I realise that her eyes are hardly focused. She is barely aware we are in the room.
Mrs Truong is holding her, sobbing and rocking her back and forth, mumbling in Vietnamese. Every now and then she says something in English and I can fill in the rest as if I understood every word. She keeps telling Mai-Ling how much she loves her, that she is her beautiful little girl and that she will get well. I can feel Mrs Truong’s desperation as if it were my own.
We have shared so much tonight, not just our stories but our dark secrets too. As I stand in the doorway watching her brush Mai-Ling’s face with the back of her hand, begging for some sign of recognition, my heart breaks in two. She has sacrificed everything for her daughter. She has lost her husband, her freedom and even her dignity to give Mai-Ling a better life. And now, in one careless moment, one total act of stupidity, everything she has done has turned to shit. I can only stand and watch helplessly. I want to tell Mai-Ling so many things. What an idiot I was to give her the ecstasy, not to see what was happening to her and how, if she would just get through this, I would make it up to her.
I want to run to the bed and shake her, make her sit up and say that she is okay, that all this was just a bad dream. But I cannot move any further into the room. I am immobilised in the doorway.
As I choke back tears, a voice startles me from behind. Jesus Christ, it can’t be … as I spin around, I recoil as I come face to face with Pham. His cold stare sends shivers down my spine and I stumble backwards into the room.
I can hear the relief in Mrs Truong’s voice as she calls his name and bursts into tears. I cannot believe her reaction. She knows what he has done to Mai-Ling. She knows better than anyone what a total creep he is. I stare in disbelief but she is under his spell. Leaving Mai-Ling’s side, she embraces him and cries into his designer shirt.
Christ, I cannot let him near Mai-Ling. He has no right to be here, no right to be anywhere near her. As my eyes meet his, a mixture of hate and fear floods my mind. There is no-one around to protect us, the doctor is nowhere to be seen and Pham’s menacing presence blocks my exit. I know too much about him to muster the bravado I had earlier in the night. I turn to Mrs Truong but her eyes are pleading with a don’t-make-waves look. I am in a no-win situation, I am scared shitless of this man but I cannot let Mai-Ling down again. My mind flashes back to Mrs Truong’s story about the pirates and I can only imagine how scared she must have been. I take a deep breath and my words flow unemotionally and clearly, “You have no right to be here. Get out!”
He ignores me and starts speaking to Mrs Truong in Vietnamese. She acts like he is her knight in shining armour. I am totally fucking gobsmacked.
As Mrs Truong gabbles, Pham keeps looking over at me. She is talking about me but I have no idea what she is saying. I can tell by the tone of his voice that he is interrogating her. He is holding her as she sobs her answers to his relentless questions. And all the while I can feel his glare burning into me like a magnifying glass held to the light.
Turning away, I look back at Mai-Ling. I think I see her hand move. As I reach over to her, her eyes lock with mine. She tries to say something but her mouth cannot form the words. She is cold, really cold and I start screaming out for the doctor. Mai-Ling is shaking all over and she is gagging on something. “Get the doctor! Get the doctor!”
People come running in. A nurse tries to elbow me aside but I won’t leave Mai-Ling. “What’s happening? Mai-Ling! Mai-Ling!”
The doctor turns to me, “Get her mother.”
I can’t think, everything is happening so fast. Pham is holding on to Mrs Truong, who is trying to pull away.
I am screaming at him. “Let her go!”
Pham mutters something in Vietnamese and releases Mrs Truong. She pushes past the nurses and throws herself on Mai-Ling’s bed. She is wailing Mai-Ling’s name over and over as everyone in the room goes deathly quiet. I glance from face to face and every look is the same. “No! No! Do something!” I am hysterical. Mai-Ling is lying with her eyes wide open, staring at us but there is no light in them. “Help her. Someone help her!”
The doctor gently closes her eyes and shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”
Mrs Truong stares at me. She looks so lost, so bewildered. I am shaking, my screaming now a whimper. I am too numb to say or do more.
The doctor is moving me out of the room but I am resisting.
His voice is quiet but firm. “I think it is best to give Mai-Ling’s parents some time alone.”
“But that’s not …” As the words spill out of my mouth, Pham glowers and his bony index finger rises and points accusingly at me.
“I know what you have done. You have killed our Mai-Ling.”
I can feel the blood drain from my face as a cold sweat breaks out over my body. Mrs Truong must have told him. Oh God, she must have told him. “No!”
The doctor is forcing me out of the room. “Come on, they are upset, you need to wait outside.”
“No, I need to be with Mai-Ling. I can’t leave her, I have to help her.”
“Not now.”
“But …”
As the door closes behind me, I feel like I have been set adrift in an ocean of confusion. I cannot think straight. I should be there with Mai-Ling. She needs me, Mrs Truong needs me.
“Carrie Jones?”
I look up to see two police officers standing in the corridor.
“Carrie, we need to talk to you about an incident that occurred tonight.”
“My best friend has just died in there, does anyone get that? I’ve already spoken to the police tonight so why are you harassing me again?” I can hardly get the words out through my grief. I cannot believe that this is the last time I will ever see Mai-Ling. I cannot let go of the hope that even now the doctors will somehow save her. It was just a stupid pill – everyone takes them. This is what happens to drug addicts, not people like us. But each time I think this the reality of the situation punches me in the guts and I feel like vomiting. “Leave me alone!”
“We have had a complaint from a Lun Pham who says you threw rocks at his car and then attacked him with a broken bottle.”
“What? Is that why he’s here? You told him I was here? No, I …”
As I stammer my answer, Pham steps into the corridor.
“I think Ms Jones and I may be able to sort this out if you give us a few minutes alone.”
The policewoman is nodding. Everything is happening so fast. Pham is moving me to the end of the hallway, his cold bony hand digging into my arm. His breath stinks of stale tobacco as his face looms up against mine.
“You’ve killed her, you little slut. I know it and her mother knows it. The only people who don’t are the police.”
He has pinned me to the wall and is not letting up.
“You’re not a child anymore Carrie. Even though you are only seventeen now, you will go to mainstream gaol the day you turn eighteen, and that’s not far off, I’m guessing.” He is smirking as he leans in close and whispers, “You know what happens to young girls in gaol, don’t you?”
My mind is racing. I want to scream back at him but I am too scared the police will hear me. “It was an accident. I’m not a murderer. I’m not!”
“That’s not how the law will see it. You gave her the drugs, it’s the same as if you pulled out a gun and shot her.”
“My father’s a solicitor, he will fix it. He will make them see it was a mistake. You’re just trying to scare me. I know all about you and if you say anything I will …” Fuck, what have I just done? Oh Jesus. His expression is so threatening it makes me cringe. I am trying to break free of his grip but he won’t let go.
His words slash into my heart. “You say anything to anyone and I will spill your dirty little secret. Then, while you’re in gaol, fighting off all the women who fancy you as their pretty little girlfriend, I will take your life apart piece by piece. One by one, the people you love will disappear and when you get out I’ll come looking for you.” He is laughing now like it’s all a big joke, “You don’t seriously think the police can touch me do you? I thought you were smarter than that Carrie.”
I am struggling to escape but he is holding me tight. Tears are flowing down my face and I can’t stop shaking. “Why are you doing this? If it wasn’t for you Mai-Ling wouldn’t be dead! What do you want from me?”
I can see the policewoman walking down the corridor towards us. As she nears us Pham leans closer, his breath hot on my ear. “You owe me Carrie, and you owe my family. Make no mistake: I’m going to make sure you pay your debt.”
And now I finally get it. I’ve been out of my depth all along. In Mai-Ling’s world, the rules have always been different. I’m in a game I can’t ever possibly win. Only it isn’t a game, is it? It’s oh so real.