It felt hilariously ironic that I was dreading going inside the library that was named after my family. So hilarious, that I felt the near-hysterical laughter bubbling up inside me as I pulled open the door and headed to the study room where I was set to meet up with my ex-boyfriend. It would be the first time I was alone with him since, well, everything, I realized with a groan. I hadn’t been alone with him since we broke up, since I sent him those desperate texts, since I gave him the ridiculously expensive guitar for his birthday and since he started dating my roommate.
My heart pounded as I neared the room, panic and adrenaline gushing through my veins. At least he wasn’t there yet, I thought, exhaling as I saw through the window that the room was still dark and empty.
I slumped into one of the empty chairs around the table. “I’m going to do something stupid for sure.”
I glanced up at the clock on the wall. I was still ten minutes early and Dave was always a bit late. I had time to kill, so to try to calm my nerves and not spend the next ten plus minutes agonizing over seeing him and what stupid thing I was going to do to humiliate myself, I texted Rob.
Hey, was my brilliant opening.
Hi, was his equally brilliant reply, though it still made me smile.
What are you up to? I sent.
Would you think I’m a dork if I say gaming?
I laughed out loud. Yes.
Then I’m lifting weights. Really heavy ones.
That made me smile. Even though I knew he was joking, I got a very nice visual. I resisted the urge to flirt with him, not wanting to ruin this by going too far, but then, as I thought about what to say next, I got an idea. I sent back, I’m in the library with your sister’s boyfriend; come help us plan Santa Hop—you can get to know him better.
No thanks, he sent back. Uh oh. Better bait required.
I decided to go the damsel in distress route. Please. It’s weird being alone with him. There. That had to work; he was totally the protective type.
Unless he starts questioning everything, which of course, he did. Why? Is he a pig?
The way he worded it made me laugh, but he was so on the wrong track. Did I dare tell him the truth? I guessed if I wanted something to progress with him, I was going to have to tell him sooner or later. May as well be sooner. No, not a pig. He’s actually my ex.
There was a pause before he sent, Awkward.
Very. Please?
Fine. Where’s here?
I told him I was in the library and in what room. He said he’d be there in ten. That meant they’d both arrive around the same time, taking the focus off me as they greeted each other and their shared Brooklyn connection gave them stuff to talk about..
~ ♥ ~
When the door to the study room opened, I was checking my not-for-profit’s e-commerce site’s mobile app. It was doing really well and we’d sold a ton of fair trade dresses and tote bags over Thanksgiving. I’d just added online gift cards to the store, so we were hopeful those would be a big seller, too. There were still a few glitches I was working out, but I knew once I dealt with those, we’d be in line to do really well over the Christmas buying season
As I closed the app, I looked up with a smile, expecting Rob, but no. There was Dave, smiling sheepishly (and adorably, if I’m being honest) at me as he came in. “Hey,” he said as he dropped into the chair across from me.
“Hi,” I said. “How’s it going?”
He ran his hand through his hair, a move I knew was his nervous tic. I could hardly blame him; it took everything in me to keep my thumb out of my mouth. Then he blew out a long breath before he looked at me, shook his head and finally spoke, giving me a weak smile. “I’m okay.”
I snorted. “That was the most unconvincing, ‘I’m okay’ I’ve ever heard.”
He looked down at the table. “I’m fine, Emmie. Really.”
Liar. “Dave. It’s me.”
He looked up at me, into my eyes and I suddenly didn’t want to know. Because whatever it was, it was about Brooklyn. Probably that they’d pledged their undying love to each other over text message and he was pining away for her while she nursed her father back to health half a planet away. “Never mind,” I said, before he could change his mind and tell me.
But then he did anyway. “Brooklyn blew me off.”
Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. “Wait. What?”
His fingers raked through his hair again. “I texted her and she said with her dad and being in London and not knowing when she’d get back, she’s...ugh,” he looked away. “I can’t tell you this. I feel...it’s weird, Em.”
For some reason, “Dave, we’re friends. You can tell me anything,” came out of my mouth.
I know, it was a surprise to me, too.
He looked at me again and seemed to be studying my expression. Maybe to see if I was lying. I schooled my face to be as blank as possible. It must have worked.
“She doesn’t want to be with me.”
“She said that?” I asked.
He shrugged. “She said she couldn’t be my girlfriend right now with all that’s going on. I mean, we weren’t official or anything. She was taking Thanksgiving to think about it and sort herself out. I think the you and me thing made it confusing for her.”
No doubt.
“But...” he continued. “I was sure that after the holiday... But then this. I mean, I feel horrible for what happened to her dad, but I thought...”
“So you’re on hold?”
He exhaled loudly. “No, that’s the thing. She told me not to wait for her. I think she’s just not into me anymore.” For no reason that I could identify at the time, my heart fluttered at this. But I realized two things in that second: one, it couldn’t be true and two, I was a good friend and that meant I needed to get over myself and start acting like one.
“Dave,” I said gently. “She hasn’t lost interest. She’s going through a tough time and she’s being fair to you which means letting you go. If she doesn’t know when she’ll be back and doesn’t have the headspace for a long distance thing right now, she wouldn’t want to tie you down waiting for her.”
“But I want to wait for her,” he said. My heart twisted a little because it was the same thing he’d said to me before summer when we’d had the talk about where our relationship was going. And look at how that had turned out. Brooklyn was obviously way smarter than I had been.
I kept my mouth shut on that, but said, “That’s your choice, to wait for her, but she’s giving you the option. Do you see?”
He nodded then looked up at me. “This is so weird, Em. You’re being such a good friend. I’m so sorry.”
How was this guy apologizing to me? After I dumped him? Ugh, he was about killing me. I opened my mouth to say something—anything—to change the subject when Rob came into the room. Startled, Dave turned to look at who was interrupting us and I took the opportunity to jump out of my chair and practically launch myself at Rob.
I threw my arms around him and pulled him down for a kiss. Okay, yes, it was juvenile and transparent to likely all assembled, but my limbs and lips seemed to have acted on their own without engaging my brain (very much).
Rob’s entire body stiffened and he grunted in shock, making it evident that he was about to pull away from me in a way that would make it very obvious that we weren’t actually a couple. I quickly ended the kiss and said hi to him with a smile as though greeting him with a full on ninja kiss assault was an everyday thing.
Being the smart guy, I expected Rob to be on board with the program. I mean, I had told him Dave was my ex.
Apparently not. “What was that?” he blurted, wide-eyed as he glanced at Dave and then back to me.
I tamped down my panic and made a production of rolling my eyes at Dave. “Sorry, Rob doesn’t like PDAs.”
I gave Rob a pleading look, which he seemed to (finally) understand and acknowledge with the tiniest of nods, though he didn’t appear any too pleased with me. I worried I’d just ruined my plan to actually date him, but I’d have to deal with that later.
The boys exchanged awkward greetings and then both looked at me like they were waiting for me to talk. So much for them taking the focus off me.
I pasted a smile on my face, hoping it didn’t look as fake and clown-like as it felt. “We’re just planning the Santa Hop,” I told Rob and motioned toward one of the chairs. “Want to help?”
He shook his head. “I can’t. I have stuff to do. I just thought I’d stop in and say hi.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling like I’d just somehow made all of this a thousand times more awkward than it would have been if it had just been me and Dave. “I’ll walk you out,” I glanced at Dave over my shoulder. “Back in a minute.”
He nodded and I followed Rob out of the room, closing the door behind me. Two steps later, Rob stopped abruptly, causing me to bash into him with an “Oof.” But before I could even catch my breath or tell him to stop doing that, he whipped around. “What was that in there?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I looked back toward the study room, as though the answer to his question was printed on the door. It wasn’t. I turned back to Rob. He lifted an eyebrow, waiting.
He sighed and shook his head. “Emmie, I told you, we can’t do this. Though I think what happened in there was about something else.”
I blinked.
“Wasn’t it?”
I blinked again.
“Em?”
“Maybe,” I admitted.
“Were you using me to try to make him jealous?”
I was about to play cute, but the way he worked his jaw told me he was pretty pissed already and doing that might make him angrier. “I’m sorry,” I said. “Not to make him jealous...” Not exactly.
“What then?”
I looked down at my hands. “I...he moved on so quickly. And I guess...”
“What, Em?”
I shrugged. “I guess I wanted him to think I’d found someone. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have attacked you like that. I’m so sorry.” The last part came out as a whisper as my throat tightened around the words.
He exhaled, making me look up at him so I could see just how mad he was, but the anger seemed to have dissipated. “I get it. No, really. Sorry, you just freaked me out there and...well, I didn’t know what was going on, that’s all.”
My heart lurched in relief. “Thank you. I’m such a...” Before I could finish my thought, he pulled me into a hug, his big arms coming around me and pressing me into his chest. I took a deep breath, pulling comfort from his embrace, his scent, the steady heart beating under my cheek.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, my voice muffled against him.
“It’s okay,” he rumbled and then pulled back from me, making me want to weep from the loss of his strength and warmth. “We’re good,” he said, giving me a smile.
“You’re a good guy,” I blurted, looking up into his chocolaty eyes, feeling myself melting a little under his gaze. I wanted to be back in his arms, but I needed to back off a little—I’d totally spooked him today. “Thanks for understanding,” I said, keeping my hands to myself.
He nodded.
“I should go back in there,” I said.
“I did want to tell you, though,” he began, the smile dissolving from his face.
“What?”
“That guy—the one who fixed the dean’s window—you don’t need to worry about him.”
My stomach rolled at the mention of him. “What do you mean?”
“Just like I said. You don’t need to worry about him.” Which told me exactly nothing, but for some reason he looked conflicted, like he didn’t want to tell me.
“What did you find out?”
He looked at me for a long moment. “I spoke with Mike Doyle and he just told me he’s had a rough go, but he’s not dangerous or anything.”
“What about the tattoo? The part about killing someone?”
“Mike wouldn’t say.” But the way he looked away, I knew he was lying, I just couldn’t figure out why.
“You know,” I said. “Why won’t you tell me?”
He took a breath. “Mike says he was persecuted by the whole town because of what happened and is just now starting to get his life together. He wouldn’t tell me much of what happened. Anyway, I feel like it’s not my story to tell. Just know that no one was at risk because of him being here. Okay?”
Persecuted by the whole town and then I called the cops on him. Ugh. I may as well have chased him off with a torch, pitchfork and a mob of angry villagers. No wonder he was so mad at me. I suddenly felt like bashing my head against the wall for being so stupid.
But I still had to know: “Did he kill someone? He told me himself that he did.”
Rob looked at me again for a long moment and must have realized I wasn’t going to give up. He sighed and said, “Yes.”
“And he did time?”
He nodded. “But that’s all I’m telling you. You’ll just have to trust me that he’s not dangerous.”
I stared at him for what felt like an eternity, but I knew he wasn’t giving anything else up. As it was, I’d probably pushed him more than he was comfortable with. I didn’t even dare ask for the guy’s full name. Resigned to accept his answer, I thanked him.
“I’d better go back,” I said again, nodding my head behind me toward the study room.
His eyes drifted down to my mouth. I knew what that meant. “One for the road?” I said.
His eyes darted back up to mine. “We can’t keep doing this.”
“I know,” I said as I stepped closer and kissed him anyway, knowing he wouldn’t stop me.
Before it got heated, I pulled back. “I’ll text you later,” I said before I turned and left him.
“Em?”
I looked over my shoulder.
“Let it be. You don’t need to know everything.”
It said a lot that he knew me well enough to know I wasn’t satisfied with what he’d told me. But it also told me that he really didn’t know me if he thought I could let it go.