CHAPTER 3

Believe you can change

If you’re wondering how you’ll ever change the shy or anxious habits of a lifetime, take heart. All of us are capable of pretty radical change. You might have heard about the concept of brain plasticity; it’s the idea that the structure of our brain is always changing. All the time, you’re making new neural connections and old ones are fading away. Your brain is adapting and transforming its structure according to what you do. I repeat, your brain (and therefore your skills, smarts and abilities) is flexible.

This belief that we can change is what Carol Dweck, Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, has dubbed the ‘growth mindset’. It’s knowing that with effort and attention, we can learn, improve and get better.

Sadly, what many of us have instead is a ‘fixed mindset’. This is the belief that our qualities, such as intelligence or talents, are set and there isn’t much we can do to change them. The fixed mindset keeps us stuck. It’s when we believe that if we don’t have a natural ability for something, we never will. It’s saying to yourself, ‘I’m terrible at public speaking and that’s just the way it is.’ Or, ‘I’m not a strong person and I never will be.’ Or, ‘I’ve been shy since school and I can’t see that changing.’

The truth is, for almost every skill, we will improve and learn with attention, practice and effort. And this is most definitely true for skills such as resilience, inner strength and confidence.

Instead of resigning yourself to always being the good girl who keeps quiet about her own needs, know that you can learn confidence. Accept that with focus, you can stop caring about what people think so much, and develop the skills needed to stand up for yourself and be more assertive.

Over the course of this book, you’ll feel yourself change, as you develop and reinforce your growth mindset. When it doesn’t go exactly to plan, be assured you’ll still be learning. In an interview with The Atlantic, Carol said: ‘Learning something new, something hard, sticking to things—that’s how you get smarter. Setbacks and feedback aren’t about your abilities, they are information you could use to help yourself learn.’1

While you’re reading and doing the exercises, you’ll be growing and changing. You’ll be amazed at how putting your attention on this area will see you improve in leaps and bounds. I’m excited for you to see what’s possible.

Exercise: recognize you’re always learning

What have you learned lately? What new skills have you developed? Perhaps you recently changed from using an iPhone to an Android and got the hang of it in a matter of hours, or you had to get used to a new piece of software at work, or you learned the rules of a board game so well, you could teach others. Make a mental note of the ways you’ve learned new things and developed your skills recently.

Own your ‘why’

What will changing mean to you and your life? Remembering why you’re going on this journey to confidence will help you to stay strong when what I’m asking you to do feels hard. Your ‘why’ is likely connected to something bigger than yourself; a dream you have or a source of meaning or purpose. It’s the fuel for your internal fire.

When things feel tough – and they will – knowing your ‘why’ will be a powerful source of energy and inspiration to keep going. If you have to piss a few people off or move out of your comfort zone in the process, then so be it – because you know it’s all worth it.

My client Anna, twenty-six, an assistant at a marketing agency, was desperate to overcome her fear of public speaking. I asked her why this was important for her. At first, she said being able to pitch her ideas to clients would help her to win new business, get promoted and earn more money. But so far, all those reasons hadn’t motivated her to push through the discomfort of having all eyes on her.

I’ve found making more money is often not motivating in itself, it’s what the money gives people that truly inspires them. When I dug deeper, asked Anna her reasons for wanting more money, her true ‘why’ emerged. She told me the money would give her more freedom and more opportunities for travel in her life.

She also said overcoming her fear of public speaking would give her more confidence in her relationships, she’d feel a sense of achievement at having surpassed her expectations, and – this meant a lot to her – she’d be able to use her voice and platform to help and inspire her clients.

So Anna’s ‘why’ for public speaking boiled down to: ‘Having the freedom to travel and being able to help and inspire others.’ Knowing this was way more motivating and interesting to her than money alone. Finally, connecting to her ‘why’ gave her the courage and momentum to take action.

Your ‘why’ might be:

Exercise: write your mission statement

Focus on your ‘why’ to create your mission statement. For one, why are you reading this book? Think about these areas too: Why you want to grow. Why you want to stand up for yourself. Why you want to carve out more time for you. Why you want to be braver.

Summary

★  Your brain is always changing and adapting; learning new skills and behaviours is always possible.

★  Remembering why you want to be more brave and confident will motivate and inspire you to transform.