As human beings, we’re all prone to ways of thinking irrationally. We all have common but unhelpful thought patterns that trip us up. Questioning these patterns is another way to help unhook yourself from excessive worrying about what other people think. In fact, just becoming aware of them is the first step in freeing yourself. Which of these ‘thinking errors’ can you spot in your own thinking?
I bet you thought mind-reading was impossible, right? Well it is, but that doesn’t stop many of us, sometimes even on a daily basis, believing we can do it. In the past, I’ve been a brilliant mind-reader – I could interpret the most inconclusive body language or tone of voice as a sign the other person ‘hates me’. Not replying to my texts right away? I’ve done something to upset you. Yawning while I’m speaking to you? I must be a massive bore. The drama! When we read minds, we almost never assume the good stuff but instead the catastrophically negative and critical.
A close cousin of mind-reading is projection, where we fling our own thoughts and beliefs on to the other person. You feel insecure about what you’re wearing that day, so you project that and believe they must be judging you for it. Usually, the only person judging you is you. A subcategory of mind-reading is ‘jumping to conclusions’. You pick up on the slightest, practically imperceptible, facial expression and then conclude the other person is annoyed with you.
‘No one likes me, everyone is good at speaking up in meetings except for me, I always end up making a fool of myself.’ Sound familiar? If you’re prone to overgeneralizing, you’re distorting the world in an irrational and untrue way. What do you mean ‘no one likes me’ – what, no one, ever, in the history of liking, has ever liked you? Have you always made a fool of yourself? Every. Single. Time? Has there never been a time when you didn’t make a fool of yourself?
Put like this, we start to see how silly our generalizations really are. My client Reena told me, ‘My boyfriend always blames me for all our arguments.’ But on closer questioning, it turned out sometimes he did take responsibility and she blamed him a fair bit too. Keep an ear out for clues: often it’s using words such as ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everyone’, ‘nobody’ and ‘everything’. And recognize that to generalize is irrational, and so any conclusions are untrue.
‘If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure.’
‘If one person dislikes me, I’m a loser.’
‘If I don’t agree with everything, he’ll abandon me.’
Our brains like to categorize things into black/white, good/bad because it’s simpler, but this is never how it works in the real world. Everything is on a continuum. There are always shades of grey.
Shout out to everyone who has her gloom-tinted glasses on. You walk out of a six-month review where 95 per cent of the discussion was positive … yet your mind stays fixated on the 5 per cent that was critical. So much so that the glowing feedback goes right over your head. This is down to ‘negativity bias’, our natural inclination to remember the negative over the positive (it’s another one of those evolutionary survival mechanisms). Being aware of negative bias means we know to work harder to cling to the good stuff.
Your mum is struggling with depression – and it’s all your fault. The company you work for lost money this year – and it’s because you didn’t work hard enough. Your best friend must be mad at you – because she hasn’t replied to your last three messages. You’re taking life too personally, feeling guilt and responsibility for things that aren’t really your fault, in fact may have nothing to do with you.
‘I should be further ahead in my career.’
‘I should have this sorted at my age.’
‘I must be more confident.’
Why should you? According to who or what? Many of us ‘should’ all over ourselves, basing these ‘shoulds’ on arbitrary and meaningless standards. This is not helpful or constructive, and it holds us back from being ourselves and doing what we’d love to do.
We search for evidence to support our beliefs. Even when the evidence is lacking, we’ll find it, or when it’s unclear we’ll misinterpret it to fit in with what we believe is true. For example, if you believe you’re not intelligent enough, your brain will hone in on all the ways you’re not smart and ignore all the ways you are. Or if you believe no one could ever be attracted to you, you’ll become blind to the person who’s flirting with you.
Notice where in your life you tend to experience these errors and biases in your thinking. Recognize some of the common thoughts you have and write them down. Then question them. Is this true always? Never? Why should you? According to who? For example:
| Negative thought | Thinking error | Rational, kind perspective |
|---|---|---|
| I lost my train of thought in the presentation and it completely ruined it. | Black and white thinking, generalization and mind-reading. | I got good feedback after the presentation and most of it went well. I don’t need to be perfect in order to be good. Some people told me it went well. I can’t read minds so I can’t know what everyone else was thinking. |
★ As human beings, we’re prone to thinking errors such as generalizing and taking things personally.
★ Identifying your thinking errors will help to stop them from tripping you up.