Writing my first book, The Anxiety Solution, was relatively easy for me. I knew what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it and I wrote it in a matter of months without any drama. However, three weeks before publication (and the irony is not lost on me) I started to feel hugely uneasy, anxious even, about the prospect of my book being out in the world. Who was I to write a book about anxiety? What did I know? I wasn’t perfect and I didn’t have all the answers. Surely anyone off the street would know more about anxiety than me?! Suddenly, I’d gone from Kanye West-level confidence to a skydiver about to jump for the first time. I visualized one-star Amazon reviews, pitying looks from my friends and piles of my book marked ‘reduced to clear’ in the pound shop.
If you’ve ever felt like a fraud who’s going to be ‘found out’ at any moment, don’t worry, you’re in good company. Emma Watson, Kate Winslet, Sheryl Sandberg and even Meryl Streep have confessed they share your plight.
Emma Watson describes it like this: ‘It’s almost like the better I do, the more my feeling of inadequacy actually increases, because I’m just going, any moment, someone’s going to find out I’m a total fraud, and that I don’t deserve any of what I’ve achieved. I can’t possibly live up to what everyone thinks I am and what everyone’s expectations of me are.’1
The first step to getting in control of something is to define it. And guys, this particular brand of self-doubt even has a name: ‘imposter syndrome’. IT’S A SYNDROME! It’s a real thing. I for one feel so much better knowing it’s a recognized issue, experienced by millions, i.e. not just you and me.
Imposter syndrome dogs successful women in particular – even more so if you’re a minority in your place of work, for example if you’re a woman in a male-dominated industry. But in fact, it’s just another way that our old friend fear pops up to make itself known. As COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg is at a career pinnacle and undoubtedly incredibly successful – but she has described having textbook imposter syndrome. As she puts it in her book, Lean In: ‘Fear is at the root of so many of the barriers that women face. Fear of not being liked. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of overreaching. Fear of being judged. Fear of failure.’
She goes on to say: ‘Every time I was called on in class, I was sure that I was about to embarrass myself. Every time I took a test, I was sure that it had gone badly. And every time I didn’t embarrass myself – or even excelled – I believed that I had fooled everyone yet again. One day soon, the jig would be up.’
A classic sign of imposter syndrome is writing off your successes as luck. You’ve been blagging it all this time, haven’t you!? You bluffed your way to a 2:1 at uni, you winged the job interview, managed to fool everyone at work for five years that you aren’t a chancer … oh, and that you have any friends at all is purely blind luck too!
The downsides of imposter syndrome are real: when we feel like a fraud, we’re less likely to accept praise, ask for help, go for the promotion and take risks. It holds us back and damages our peace of mind. It puts you at risk of burnout, depression and slower progression in your career.
The good news is, once you’ve named imposter syndrome, you can tame it. You can call it out for the prevalent and insidious affliction that it is. Once you have recognized it and brought your awareness to it, you suddenly have a choice about how you respond.
There is more good news. In the same way as if you worry about being a psychopath, you definitely aren’t one (a true psychopath wouldn’t worry), if you’re concerned you might be an ‘imposter’, chances are you aren’t. Phew! A person who really is a fraud wouldn’t worry about it.
One reason why you may have taken on this pattern of self-doubt is to appear relatable and likeable, not to appear arrogant or over-confident. You may have seen it modelled by other women. In our culture, confident women can be labelled bossy bitches. And right now, being liked is more important for women than men. At Tina Brown’s Women in the World Summit, Hillary Clinton said what many studies have suggested: ‘With men, success and ambition are correlated with likability, so the more successful a man is, the more likeable he becomes. With a woman, guess what? It’s the exact opposite.’
You also might feel that questioning your abilities offers some kind of protection against making mistakes. Not only is that not true, but when the social pressure to downplay our abilities and appear modest takes hold, we appear less confident and capable to others, which can end up hindering our career progression. And the more we do it, the more we believe we are unworthy.
Even women who are highly trained and at the top of their profession experience imposter syndrome. I spoke to several doctors who told me it’s rife amongst women in the medical profession. My friend Rosie, a 33-year-old anaesthetist, said, ‘In recent months, three of my highly respected female consultants have confessed to moments of imposter syndrome.’
Arguably, in certain professions – including medicine – having a healthy level of self-doubt is useful. Imposter syndrome can keep us learning and striving to be better. But once it starts to hold us back, it’s gone too far. Ask yourself: is this self-doubt serving me? Because if you’re crippled by it, if it stops you from making decisions, progressing in your career or leading in the way you’d like to, it’s time to change. Some suggestions of where to begin: start to trust and appreciate yourself more and to give your support to other confident women.
Reflect on these questions:
Are you dumbing down your abilities in order to appear more likeable?
In what ways and when?
If so, is doing this really serving you?
It’s important to recognize your achievements are not all ‘just luck’, but that you are capable, resourceful and talented. Your hard work, your ability to build your network and your intelligence made your successes happen. If you’ve been putting your success down to fluke, it’s time to look at the facts and start giving yourself a bit more credit. In her book The Coach’s Casebook Kim Morgan includes this great exercise:
Write down a timeline of your career, identifying each achievement and success. Crucially, also include details of how you made each one happen.
Which of your qualities made that achievement possible?
What does that success say about you?
During the period of anxiety before my book was released, I had to give myself a serious talking to (or more than one). Every time I thought, ‘Who am I to do this?’ I replaced it with, ‘Who am I not to do this? If not me, then who?’ No one else could have written this exact book, it had to be me! I had to own my imperfections, accept I didn’t know everything (and that was OK) and start to appreciate the value and experience that I did have to offer.
You could try this reframe: ‘If you don’t have imposter syndrome, are you even doing it right?’ Think of imposter syndrome as a sign you’re moving outside your comfort zone. You’re growing. You’re stretching. You’re making progress. And if imposter syndrome has to come along for the ride, so be it.
Or try this one. If you’ve been asking yourself, ‘Why me? Who am I to do this?’ replace it with what actress and comedian Mindy Kaling famously tweeted about imposter syndrome: ‘Why the fuck not me?!’2
And finally, remember that some of the most impressive people don’t feel 100 per cent qualified – but charge ahead anyway. Richard Branson wrote: ‘If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!’ What do all successful women with imposter syndrome have in common? They take action, regardless of any doubts. They make a start, even if they don’t feel ready. They experience the thoughts but they don’t take them seriously enough to let them stop them. They feel the fear – but they do it anyway.
Donna, twenty-seven, an entrepreneur, told me, ‘When I first started freelancing and carving out my own career I suffered with imposter syndrome pretty much every day. There were some days when it took over. The little comments people threw my way, “You’re very young!” or, “How do you know how to run a business?” or, “Shouldn’t you be working full time?” would repeat over and over in my head. I focused a lot of energy on what other people were doing rather than concentrating on my business and talents. It’s been four years now since I started out on my own and I doubt imposter syndrome will ever totally disappear for me. But I know how to keep the imposter monster at bay by constantly reminding myself to stay in my own lane, to keep doing what I believe in and to focus on how good that feels.’
Contact five friends and colleagues and ask them to tell you what they admire about you and what they believe are your strengths. You may cringe at the thought of doing this (I did at first) but trust me, it’s incredibly powerful. You can return the favour and let them know what you admire about them in the process, for mutual admiration. It’s a beautiful way to tell people the reasons you appreciate, love and admire them while getting some positive feedback yourself. Warning: this exercise will move you – and others – to tears.
1. Self-compassion. Feeling like an imposter is incredibly common amongst successful women, so you’re in good company. Having compassion for yourself, in the same way you would for a friend who’s struggling, is key. Remind yourself that feeling like an imposter is a sign you’re moving out of your comfort zone. Growth can be uncomfortable, but it’s a good thing. Accept it’s OK to have these thoughts and feelings. Be as gentle with yourself as you can.
2. Examine the proof. What is the evidence that you are indeed capable and good enough? Think back through your life and career and note the successes, progress and impact you’ve had. Remind yourself how you made each one happen.
3. Do the thing. Say to yourself, ‘Oh hi, Imposter Syndrome. I see you. But I’m taking action anyway.’ Action is the most potent way to prove your self-doubts wrong. You show yourself just what your abilities are. And even if things don’t go to plan, you’re learning important information to help you improve later. If you’re feeling like an imposter, remember that if you’re ‘doing the thing’, you are in fact the real deal. You’re doing it!
★ Feeling like a fraud is incredibly common, especially in successful women.
★ Instead of putting your successes down to luck, remember what it was about you that made each thing happen.