November 2017 was a high point of my career. For years I’d had it in my mind that I wanted to speak at Stylist Live in London. After the success of my first book, The Anxiety Solution, I was finally invited to give a talk there. I was well prepared and as I strolled on to the stage, sporting my headset microphone (feeling not unlike Britney Spears) I felt calm, confident and excited.
Only two weeks earlier, it had been a totally different story. I’m a self-confessed self-improvement junkie and my search for inner peace has taken me from India to Bali to Guatemala and back. But that time, I’d found myself in Northern Ibiza, at a retreat for women designed to help us to calm our minds and heal our past pain. The White Isle may have a reputation for parties of the retox variety, but yoga, meditation and green juice aficionados head to the north to get their fix of wellness.
For five days, we’d be honing our downward dogs, quieting our monkey minds with meditation and sharing our deepest inner experiences in a circle. While I’m now confident at public speaking, sharing off the cuff in a circle about the struggles I was experiencing brought up old fears I thought I’d left behind. I’m used to being the ‘expert’ who people come to hear; I prepare beforehand and what I share is therefore often well rehearsed. But this was different. If you dread having to go around the table and introduce yourself in a meeting, you’ll relate to my mounting fear each time my turn to speak grew closer, that familiar shaky, heart-thumping anxiety. Then, as I spoke, I’d mentally question everything I said, berating myself simultaneously for not being good enough and not confident enough.
A few days into the trip, while I was gazing at a cactus against the blue sky, wondering what on earth I was doing there (and considering making a run for it!), I had a realization. The only person judging me, was me. I didn’t think the things I had to say were interesting enough. I didn’t believe I had the right to speak up. I was the one who thought what I was sharing sounded stupid. No one else cared. In fact, my rational mind knew this group of women to be amongst the most kind and accepting people I’d ever met. All the criticism was coming from my inner critic, my own worst enemy.
Once I realized all of this, I knew I had to give myself a break. I told myself, ‘I have nothing to prove to anyone.’ I reaffirmed it was OK to feel vulnerable, to be imperfect, to feel scared.
I’ve since learned that before it’s my turn to share in a circle, I need to take a deep breath and to allow my awareness to sink into my body. I focus on my stomach (there are a lot of neurones – nerve cells – in the gut, aka the ‘second brain’). And I trust that whatever comes out of my mouth will be what’s right and true for me at that moment.
Your inner critic loves to pipe up, especially when you’re in new or challenging situations. If you listen, you might even hear it giving you a running commentary on everything you say and do, chipping in with its hurtful and destructive narrative.
By now, I hope you understand that the person who has the most capacity to hurt you, is you. It’s you who gives your inner critic all the power. The only person whose judgement really stings, is your own. If you know you’re a hard worker and someone calls you lazy, it’s easy to let it go because it doesn’t fit with your self-image. But if you have a deep fear that you’re lazy (maybe even despite the evidence) it will hurt, because there’s already a wound there. When we heal these wounds and start to love and accept ourselves, what other people think of us becomes less and less important.
I’ve named my inner critic Angelica, after the mean little girl from Rugrats. I suggest you give yours a character too, complete with a silly voice. It could be from a film or TV show, or one you make up. This will help you to distance yourself from the unwanted inner voice, to take it less seriously. Now write her a letter, thanking her for what she’s been trying to do and letting her know it’s time to part ways. This is my example:
Dear Angelica,
I see you. I know what you’ve been trying to do. I know you’ve been trying to help me. I know your perfectionism and criticism is because you’ve been trying to make me ‘better’. I see you’ve been trying to protect me; from failure, from the judgement of others. But when you put me down, it hurts just as much as someone else doing it (possibly more). And you’re holding me back from what I really want.
Thanks for what you’ve been trying to do, but it’s time for us to say goodbye. I’ve outgrown you now. Perfection is a myth and I don’t need you to protect me any more. I’m putting you on the shelf and, from now on, I’m not letting you interfere with my life or hold me back.
★ Everyone has an inner critic, but you get to decide whether to believe yours or not.
★ The only person whose judgement can really hurt you, is you.