No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Who are you to judge yourself? Do you somehow know better than your friends, family and partner who love and adore you? If your child is your number one fan, your best mate thinks you’re the shit and your manager can’t get enough of you, maybe it’s time to believe them and put the evil self-judgement down to the ol’ inner critic rather than reality.
If you’re feeling judged by someone else, remember this: judgemental people are often their own worst critics. Your dad, for whom nothing was ever good enough, your bitchy friend who points out your leg hair, or your sister who thinks you should stop being so picky and get married already are likely just as harsh on themselves as they are towards you, if not more so. As author Gabby Bernstein says, ‘Judgement is a form of defence.’ It’s their ego’s attempt to elevate itself by trampling on you. The same is true if you judge others. Your critical voice – the one that constantly puts other people down – will also find it impossible to ignore your own flaws.
The truth is, people who love and are secure in themselves don’t feel the need to judge, bitch or put others down. Oh, and for the person doing the judging, any boost in self-esteem from putting someone down will be short lived. What Buddha said about anger is true about judgemental thoughts, too: if you’re holding hot coals with the intention of throwing them at someone else, you’re the one who gets burned.
I used to get so triggered by women I believed were ‘showing off’. I’d automatically think they were too confident: ‘Who does she think she is?!’ I’d mentally try to bring her down a peg or two by noticing all the ways she wasn’t that great.
Then, I realized the reason I was triggered by unapologetic women was down to my own envy. I wished I could be that confident too. Having been raised to believe showing off was bad, I judged others because I was suppressing my own inner show-off! Some part of me also believed if I could lower this other woman to my level, I’d feel better about myself.
The more aware I became of this pattern, the more I noticed that 1) being judgey doesn’t work as a self-esteem boosting strategy, and 2) I felt a bit yuck because the reality is, we are all in this together. As human beings, and especially as women, we have more similarities than differences, and we need to stick together and support one another.
Nobody wants to live in a judgemental world. But we’ve grown up in a culture where putting women down is the norm. In the media, women’s bodies get picked apart, people openly post abuse about women who appear on reality TV, and we feel free to comment negatively on everything from Taylor Swift’s relationship status to whether someone is a ‘real’ feminist or not because she wears high heels.
It’s so easy to fall into the habit of talking badly about others. We do it to get things off our chest, let off steam, have a laugh or to bond with others. But as Buddha also said, it’s a bit like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You’re the one who is poisoned. It’s also important to remember that the people you bitch to may well be saying the same about you.
The great news is, I believe this is a perfect example of where we can ‘be the change we wish to see’. The same negative and critical part of you that bitches about your colleague behind her back is the part that puts yourself down too. How can we learn to love and accept ourselves if we’re constantly criticizing our sisters? If we want to change the culture of one-upwomanship, it needs to start with us.
So if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all. If you have an issue with someone, deal with them directly, don’t go behind their back.
A few years ago, I made a decision that I don’t want to be involved in gossip and bitchiness. I’m inviting you to join me. Imagine a world where women support each other and encourage each other to be our best selves. How much more successful and confident could we be?
If you want to love yourself more and accept yourself, learning to be less judgemental of others is an important stepping stone. Make a commitment to refrain from talking negatively about others behind their backs, remove yourself from bitchy conversations and let others know that you don’t want to speak badly about people who aren’t there.
★ If someone is overly critical of you, they are most likely critical of themselves too.
★ Sometimes we judge others to try to boost our own self-esteem – but this doesn’t work.