The concept of ‘boundaries’ has only recently crossed over from therapy speak to everyday conversation. So many of us still don’t know what they are or why they’re so important. Your boundaries are simply what is and what isn’t OK with you. Examples might be: letting your sister know it’s not OK with you that she only gets in touch when she needs a favour; or telling your colleague that when she repeatedly asks you questions it’s hard for you to focus on your work.
Setting boundaries is being honest and open with people by letting them know what is and isn’t OK with you. Psychotherapist and speaker Andrea Mathews has a great definition: ‘Boundaries have to do with ownership. My ownership. My ownership of my own person, my own choices, my own power to speak, power to do, power to be.’1
Very few of us are taught about boundaries from an early age. As babies we’re picked up and passed around by numerous strangers, made to hug and kiss Uncle Stu with the bad breath (when we don’t want to), and told what to do by adults, with little explanation.
If you’ve never had your needs acknowledged, it can be hard to know what your needs actually are, let alone put them first and learn to tell people what they are too. But modern life is so demanding, creating your own healthy boundaries is, in fact, an essential act of self-care and emotional survival.
If you have no boundaries, people will walk all over you. Maybe what Gemma, aged thirty, describes sounds familiar? If so, you likely need to work on your boundaries too. ‘I always want to do what’s best for other people and what suits them. I will work through lunch breaks just to fit in time to help colleagues. I will change plans to go along with friends. I also feel huge guilt if I say no to anyone, and that I have to make it up to them.’
At first, it might seem as though setting boundaries could threaten your relationships. But in fact, boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, both personal and professional, and will have a positive effect on them long term. For some relationships, setting boundaries will make it clear to you who doesn’t have your best interests at heart, or who has been benefitting from your lack of boundaries. Once you’ve made it clear what is and isn’t acceptable to you, it allows you to manage your energy, feel safe and be at your best. Setting boundaries also improves your confidence because it helps you feel empowered and in control.
My client Anna, forty-three, is a busy mum who works for a company with offices in the USA. She’d often find herself answering emails late into the night because the US office was five hours behind. Her boss had become used to her doing this. But these extra work hours were making it impossible for Anna to spend quality time with her children in the evenings. Through our work together, Anna came to realize she had set up the expectation that she’d always be available on email. She was dreading having the boundary-setting conversation with her boss, but when she told her that she’d no longer be available after 7 p.m., her boss respected this. Anna wished she’d felt able to have the conversation sooner.
That’s not to say setting boundaries won’t feel hard. You may be scared to bring up difficult topics in case the other person gets angry or upset. Or you may think if you don’t keep doing what the other person wants, they won’t love you any more. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life, describe this dilemma perfectly:
When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.
If you’re being the caretaker of the other person’s emotions or rescuing them, they’ll never learn to handle them on their own. You may have to tell your sister you’re not able to drop your life to look after her kids tonight, that you need more advance notice. Or say no to your friend who borrows clothes but doesn’t give them back. Or tell your housemate you can’t listen again to the whole story of her break-up, when it’s the fifth time with the same boyfriend. Making the other person more responsible is ultimately empowering for them as well as for you.
You’re the one who sets the precedent and creates the expectation. So you have to be the person responsible for creating your own boundaries. It will be scary. But no one else is going to do this for you. Only you have the power.
In order to feel braver when it comes to creating boundaries, it’s good to remind ourselves we are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. Remember the last time you had a big birthday party and invited all your different groups of friends? And your night was somewhat ruined because you couldn’t stop fretting if everyone was having a good time? This is you taking too much responsibility for other people’s feelings.
Spoiler alert: you are not the customer satisfaction manager of the whole world. A friend recently told me, she felt responsible for the feelings of everyone she came into contact with. ‘Phew, that is a lot of responsibility,’ I told her. If you’re experiencing that pressure on a near-constant basis, it’s bloody exhausting.
I want to remind you, you cannot control how other people feel. The notion we can seems pretty ridiculous when you see it written in black and white – ‘I can control how other people feel’ – and even more so when you say it out loud (try it!). Everyone is living in their own universe, seeing it through their own special glasses, coloured by their experiences, beliefs, emotional baggage, education. This is what determines how someone feels, not you. Your job is simply to get to know yourself while being mindful of other people’s feedback and then … let go. Next time you’re putting pressure on yourself to keep everyone happy, remind yourself of this.
Imagine two chairs in front of you. In the left-hand chair, see yourself one year in the future, not having changed anything about the way you behave, your relationships, your boundaries. What do you notice about her? What does she say? How does she feel? What is she doing with her life?
Now imagine a second future you on the right-hand chair. This is a you who has made significant progress at being more assertive, brave and confident. She has set her boundaries. What do you notice about this future you? What does she say? How does she feel? What is she doing with her life? What advice does she have for you about how to get to where she is now?
At a recent workshop I attended, we did an exercise designed to tune us into what we find comfortable in terms of personal space, and our physical boundaries. We were paired up with a stranger, and asked to use hand movements to signal to the other person to move closer or further away. We were instructed to notice how we felt with the other person at different distances. When my partner got very close, less than a foot away, I began to feel a distinct discomfort in my chest. As I signalled for her to move further away, the feeling went away.
Tuning in to how you feel is not only useful for physical boundaries, but for all boundaries. Ask yourself: how does this make me feel? If someone makes you uncomfortable, it’s a clue they have crossed a line.
During this exercise, I also noticed how guilty I felt when asking the other person to move away from me. Even in this incredibly safe environment, I realized I was wondering whether she felt rejected by me. It gave me a massive insight: that we’re not always conscious just how often we put the feelings and opinions of other people before our own. It happens on autopilot. Perhaps you’ve held off handing in your notice because you don’t want to let down your team, or had sex sooner than you wanted to keep someone happy, or stayed friends with someone you disliked so as not to hurt their feelings. As women, we tend to put our feelings and needs second all the time.
Setting boundaries creates a virtuous circle of self-esteem. If you’re letting people walk all over you, it could be because you don’t feel you’re worth sticking up for. People may start to take advantage because you’re sending the message that you don’t respect yourself and will go along with anything. The fastest way to change a belief is to take action. Setting boundaries is a powerful message to yourself and to others about your worth and value. Firmly standing up for what’s right for you will give you confidence. Taking action will change the way others respond to you, which will, in turn, make setting boundaries easier.
Your boundaries are based on your needs. Go through each of these categories, working out your needs and setting a boundary for each one.
Phone boundaries. When you’re available to answer calls, reply to texts and interact on social media.
Sleep boundaries. The time you go to bed and wake up.
Email boundaries. When you are available and willing to reply to emails.
Physical boundaries. Your personal space, when and where you’re happy to be touched.
Sexual boundaries. What is and isn’t OK with you sexually.
Emotional boundaries. Separating your feelings from the feelings of someone else. Not taking on the burden of, or responsibility for, other people’s feelings.
Financial boundaries. When you’re happy to lend money, or pay, and when you’re not.
Time with others. How much time you spend with family, friends and children, how much time you need for yourself. How much time you’re happy to spend doing favours and helping out.
Here are some examples of what you might say.
To your child who you’d like to be more responsible: ‘From now on, I’d like you to pack your own school bag/clear the table/keep your room tidy. I’ll be available to help you – just ask – but I won’t do it for you.’
To the friend who only gets in touch and asks to see you at the last minute: ‘I’d love to see you tonight, but in future I’d like to know a couple of weeks beforehand because it’s hard for me to arrange my other commitments at short notice.’
To your intern who has come to rely on you too much to check their work: ‘I am still happy to look over your work when you’ve done it. But I know you’re capable, so from now on I’d like you to get it to the stage where you consider it finished before you show it to me.’
★ Setting boundaries is about letting others know what is and isn’t OK with you.
★ Boundaries can improve relationships because they bolster your self-worth and value.
★ You set a precedent for how others treat you; when you set boundaries, people start to treat you better.