When you say yes to something you don’t want to do, here is the result: you hate what you are doing, you resent the person who asked you, and you hurt yourself.
JAMES ALTUCHER, THE POWER OF NO
One of the shortest words in the English language is also the hardest to say. It’s easy to say yes (even though we might regret it later). Saying no can be tough even for the sturdiest among us.
The essential reason we struggle to say no is, we’re worried what people will think. Psychologist Dr Vanessa Bohns, Associate Professor of Organizational Behavior at Cornell University says, ‘Saying no feels threatening to our relationships.’ Will they judge us? Will they then reject us? Will we hurt their feelings and make them feel rejected? Will they get angry? Will we damage our relationship or lose them as a friend?
What you have to remember is, saying no is good for your mental, physical, emotional and financial health. It’s a powerful act of self-care and self-love.
If you frequently regret saying yes – to cooking dinner when you’re exhausted, or helping a colleague with their work as a favour although you’re at capacity – you’re likely a conscientious person who keeps your word when you commit to something, even at risk to your own peace of mind or well-being. You might be used to putting the needs of others before yourself. Or maybe it’s that you’re insecure and saying yes to everything is your way of keeping others happy so they don’t ‘abandon’ you.
There have been numerous times in the past when I’ve said yes to an invitation because it felt too awkward to decline, only to go but resent every minute because I wanted to be elsewhere. Or worse, times when I’ve cancelled at the last minute because I didn’t have time, felt under pressure or simply hadn’t dared to refuse in the first place.
We martyr ourselves for the feelings of other people. Do you really think your boss doesn’t know you secretly hate having to work late when you’re knackered? Resentment seeps out of you like bin juice and other people can sense your martyrdom, if only unconsciously. Even if you keep it well hidden, it’s only a matter of time before you burn out, have a meltdown or explode with anger.
Teacher and speaker Araminta Barbour taught me this meditation. It’s designed to inspire you to find and stick to your ‘no’.
Close your eyes, take some deep breaths and relax. Let your mind drift back, to reflect on all the time, energy and money you’ve wasted saying yes to things you didn’t really want to do. All the films you didn’t want to watch, the coffees you had with people you didn’t want to have them with, the meetings you sat through you didn’t need to attend, the weddings you couldn’t afford to be at.
Reflect on all the minutes and hours, energy and cold hard cash you’ll never get back. Allow yourself to feel a little angry.
Channel the energy of your anger into deciding to set firmer boundaries and finding your ‘no’ more easily.
Perhaps you’re lucky enough to have numerous opportunities and requests come your way so it’s hard to know what to say yes to and what to decline? You might be invited to start a business with a friend, complete a cycling challenge, go to a music festival or for after-work drinks. Even though each one seems tempting and you can’t think of a good reason to say no, they could still be a massive drain on your time, money and energy. (Anyone who’s spent hundreds of pounds at a festival and three days recovering afterwards would agree!)
Derek Sivers, entrepreneur and founder of CD Baby, shares a simple way to make your decision easier. If something isn’t a ‘hell yeah!’, it’s a ‘no’. Derek writes: ‘When you say no to most things, you leave room in your life to really throw yourself completely into that rare thing that makes you say, “HELL YEAH!”’
You can apply this test to almost every area of your life, from work to friendships to whether or not you should go to bed with the person you just started dating. If it’s not a ‘hell yeah, honey’ it’s gotta be a ‘no’.
At first, it might be hard to say no because people are used to being able to call on you, their yes gal. Over many years you’ve set a precedent of being someone who’s always available, happy to help, take on more work, bake the cake or join the party. It’s incredible you’re now breaking free of this old pattern that has held you back. Even acknowledging you’re doing this is an act of courage. You’re doing amazingly, so let’s keep going!
You can do anything, but not everything.
DAVID ALLEN, GETTING THINGS DONE
For me, writing this book has been an excellent lesson in the power of no. I’ve had to turn down interviews, speaking gigs, events and offers of coffee or lunch, not because they wouldn’t be lovely to do, but because I need to create the time for my top priority right now, this book.
Saying no can seem negative, but here’s the thing: it’s actually one of the most positive things to do. We only have so much time and energy each day. Are you going to spend it on what really matters to you? Or are you going to waste it because you’re worried what someone might think of you? When you say no to someone else, you are saying yes to yourself and what’s really important to you. So, each time you have a choice, ask yourself: ‘If I say no, what am I saying yes to?’
Author and entrepreneur Stephen Covey shares a story about how we can make sure that our highest priorities (our hell yeahs) are taken care of. He tells the story of getting a large, wide-mouthed mason jar and filling it with fist-sized rocks. He then asks, is the jar full? Most people say yes. Next, he pours in some gravel, then some smaller stones fill in the gaps between the larger stones. He asks, is the jar full now? Then he pours in some sand. And finally, some water. What his story illustrates is: if we don’t put in our big rocks – our priorities, our hell yeahs – first, there’s no way they’ll fit in after we’ve put in the small rocks, the sand, the water – all the things everyone else wants us to do.
What things are a hell yeah to you? What are the most important to your well-being and happiness? How would you most like to spend your time?
Schedule your number one priorities into your diary … then watch how everything else fits in around them.
If you say no, what’s the worst that could happen? You may think something along these lines:
Have you tested it? What actually happens when you start to let people know what is and isn’t OK with you? Much of the time, you’ll find you’re thinking the worst when the reality is, you can manage whatever the consequences turn out to be. Often, the people who matter won’t mind, and in fact, people will respect you and your boundaries as a result.
By saying yes to everything, what are you really missing out on? Feeling rested and energetic? Having more time for yourself? Feeling free and empowered by your own decisions? Own your choices and remind yourself of all you’re saying yes to.
When growing a business or pushing ahead in your career, you might find yourself swimming in opportunities to prove yourself and overrun with chances to meet new and exciting people. This chance might never come again, right? You need to strike while the iron is hot, knuckle down and say goodbye to nights in on the sofa and washing your hair, for the next year at least!
It’s easy to get into a scarcity mindset and feel as though we have to hoover up opportunities as they arise. But what is the real cost? Many of us chase success at the expense of our well-being and some people continue on this treadmill of overworking for their whole careers. According to Bronnie Ware, author of The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, ‘I wish I hadn’t worked so hard’ is number two on the list of people’s biggest deathbed regrets. (Number one, by the way, is ‘I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me’, which couldn’t be more relevant to what we’re tackling in this book.)
Saying no is an essential aspect of becoming more successful in your career. As Warren Buffett, one of the most affluent investors of all time, famously said, ‘The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.’ If taking your success in business or your personal life to the next level is important to you, getting better at saying no is a vital part of the equation.
Make a list. You’ll probably want to include some of these examples as well as your own.
Meetings you know, deep down, don’t require you to be there.
Relationships that drain you or drag you down.
Anything you strongly resent doing.
Anything that puts your mental well-being at risk.
Any romantic or sexual advances that make you feel uncomfortable.
If you can say no kindly and politely, you can still leave the person feeling good about their interaction with you. Compliment and congratulate them! Let them know you’re sure it will be an incredible event and you’ll be sad to miss it, or praise the success of the project you can’t help them with. When you’re coming from an empowered place of owning your ‘no’, it’s easier to keep your cool and remain calm and this, in turn, will allow you to be as kind as you can while saying no.
It’s OK to say you’re busy – even if you’re just busy having a bath and an early night – but don’t make up a fake excuse. Especially when it comes to friends and loved ones. They will appreciate honesty. If you’re not being authentic, they’ll smell it a mile off. Lies will only come back to bite you.
Author and entrepreneur Tim Ferriss suggested this strategy on a podcast episode about saying no.1 Letting them know you’re on a ‘no meeting diet’ for the next four months or that you have a ‘policy’ of not going out on weeknights will allow you to state your needs while ensuring the other person doesn’t think it’s about them.
Maybe you can’t help someone out this week, but you have more free time next month so you can offer them that instead? If you can’t help someone in the way they’ve asked, is there another way you can support them?
If you fold and end up saying yes after an initial no, people will come to see you as a someone who isn’t true to their word, or who can be persuaded. Being consistent and holding your boundaries is vital for your integrity and setting the expectation that you mean what you say.
Never explain – your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
ELBERT HUBBARD
Obviously, there are some situations when an explanation is necessary. Telling a friend you can’t go to her wedding because you’ve already agreed to go to someone else’s is important because it will help her understand why. But other times, we over-explain to try to control the other person’s perception of us, or because we’re put on the spot, flustered or wriggling to get out of the obligation. Lying and making up a convoluted story that may well backfire is not cool or OK. It’s true, we often do this because we’re trying to maintain the connection and that person’s opinion of us. But it can also go wrong if our explanation seems to them like the beginning of a negotiation … then we end up caving in and saying yes.
For example, over-explaining by saying ‘I’m sorry, I can’t come out tonight because I said I’d make dinner for my housemate’ opens the door for the other person to persuade you. ‘Can’t you just come for one drink then cook afterwards?’ At this point, your resolve for saying no may be depleted and you find yourself going out for one – or more – drinks when what you really needed was a quiet night in.
Worse still, over-explaining can seem phoney. Research shows people who are lying give a lot of extra, superfluous information but those telling the truth often use less detail. So keep your explanation short and to the point.
Saying no without offering a lengthy explanation also sends others a message of confidence. ‘No’ can be a complete sentence. If you genuinely have an excuse, the people who love you likely won’t need to hear it, and those who aren’t your biggest fans probably won’t believe you anyway!
Here are some scripts and language for you to use:
If the request is unexpected, you can easily find yourself agreeing to something you don’t want to do. Put on the spot, it’s hard to think clearly. But you can always be prepared with phrases that buy you time until you can think. These are also useful if it feels too awkward to say no right away. You can give a solid ‘no’ later on.
Here are some phrases to use:
These are usually the hardest people of all to say no to, especially when you’re being asked to help someone who needs it. As women, we’re socialized from a young age to put the needs of others before ourselves so it can feel almost unnatural to put yourself first.
Of course, there are times when you’ll choose to say yes, to the things that really matter. I personally hate helping people to move house – I mean, how am I supposed to know where all the boxes go?! But am I going to help my sister pack up her stuff and haul it across town if she needs me? Of course I am.
However, before you say yes, I think it’s important to ask yourself these questions:
Most of us would be horrified if we knew someone we loved was only saying yes to please us. Or worse, saying yes was seriously inconvenient or even a threat to their mental health. We’d much prefer the other person to be honest, wouldn’t we?
In her TED Talk ‘Good Boundaries Free You’, family therapist and author Sarri Gilman discusses how we all have an inner compass which lets us know if something is a yes or a no for us. But she continues: ‘Sometimes that compass gets clouded, and this can happen when we’ve been ignoring our compass or arguing with it because we don’t like what it’s saying.’ So, if we’ve got used to putting others first, it can be hard to know what it is that we want any more. To sum up, she says: ‘You can’t let the emotions of another person determine your boundaries.’
Setting boundaries can be stressful. It may make you perspire, cringe and curl your toes when you first start to set them but, as I talked about before, it’s a long-term strategy to living a calmer, happier life.
Being on the receiving end of a loved one’s anger, hurt or outrage can be incredibly uncomfortable. The temptation to change your mind or rush in and try to fix it may be substantial. If they’re used to you saying yes all the time, it might also be a shock for them to know they can’t always rely on you (or exploit you).
You might find it helpful to practise beforehand what you’ll say. And imagine staying strong and consistent, and explaining your reason for saying no without over-explaining. Can you imagine yourself feeling strong and assertive in the face of your loved one’s anger?
Guilt is a pretty useless emotion. It’s only helpful if it makes you change what you’re doing when you know you’ve done wrong. What often happens is, we feel guilty due to the judgement of other people, not because we’re unhappy with our choice.
The sad truth is, the only people who will get mad about you setting firmer boundaries are those who benefitted from you having none. Should you really feel guilty for putting things right?
Part of being brave is learning to tolerate the emotions of others and hold true to your integrity. To stay firm in your convictions, when things get intense. Doing all of this is like strengthening a muscle; you might feel weak at first, but with consistent flexing, it will get easier.
You may be experiencing guilt over important issues: that you can’t be there more for your sick parent, or call your great-aunt more often. It’s hard to come across a mother who doesn’t experience mum guilt to some extent. Coming back to what is right for you, affirming to yourself and others why you’re saying no, then owning your decision can make it less painful. Remember that there is only one of you, you’re not perfect, and some situations are just tricky. Don’t beat yourself up.
At the more extreme end of people pleasing is what psychologists call ‘compassion fatigue’, when people spend so much time caring for others, they don’t look after themselves and so are at risk of burning out. You may have this to a lesser extent; you tend to put others’ well-being before your own. In fact, when you’re caring for someone else, you need to up your own self-care. You might also need to be extra vigilant about saying no and stricter about making time for yourself.
Think about it the other way; would you want your sister to babysit if you knew she was feeling overwhelmed and stretched to the max? Would you want your colleague to come out for drinks if she didn’t want to be there? No! So why should it be any different for you? It’s unlikely people are going to think you’re a terrible friend, daughter or employee, just because you had to put yourself first and say no. Most of us judge ourselves more harshly than other people do. How would you feel if someone said no to you for a similar reason to yours? What advice would you have for a friend in the same situation? Chances are, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
When you take care of yourself, you will have more to give to other people. You’ll be in a better mood; you won’t feel resentful for being forced to do something you didn’t want to. You may find it makes your relationship better in the long run, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Melissa, twenty-seven, told me, ‘I needed to be honest about how I felt. I needed to realize that when I was stressed, my body was telling me something – and the stress was making me ill. So I said no to my boss when he tried to make me take on a project like the last one that made me ill. And I felt really proud of myself. I have learned to notice when I’m overextended and to make sure I take a step back.’
Phrases to use:
Phrases to use:
Phrases to use:
I get dozens of questions each week from people asking for help with their anxiety, or for business advice. And while it’s lovely to be able to help others, if people are always asking for free help it can be a massive drain on energy and time. This is especially true when the advice someone is seeking is what you do for a job, and you can’t afford to do for free what you usually get paid for.
Phrases to use:
Anyone who’s ever been at the receiving end of a ghosting knows it’s not cool. So instead of floating off into nothingness without a word, it’s better to be honest and direct about how you’re feeling.
Give an honest reason, such as:
Unfortunately, unwanted advances are, for women, pretty common. If, for example, your manager at work says something inappropriate, you could say, ‘You’re making me feel uncomfortable.’ This is a good way to let them know how you feel and that what they said isn’t OK.
You might have been accosted in the street by someone who starts asking you lots of questions in an attempt to engage you in conversation and hook you in. You might feel it’s rude to cut them down, but if you’re not interested, say so. Keep it short and polite. ‘No, thanks!’ Or, ‘Thanks, but I’m not interested.’
Perhaps you’ve been known to say, ‘I’ve got a boyfriend,’ as a rebuff. If this isn’t the truth, it’s better to give an honest reason. They might see an excuse as an opening for negotiation, or treat it as an invitation to try to win your affection from said boyfriend.
However, there is an exception: when safety is an issue. Just yesterday, I saw a woman out running whose path was blocked by a group of men shouting, ‘Alright, darling?’ While this particular situation didn’t come across as particularly threatening, it could have been. You might be concerned your ‘no’ will lead to the other person getting angry. If the interaction is making you uneasy, it’s best to get away as quickly as possible.
If you think you’ve been at the receiving end of abuse, it’s important to report it. Taking action could stop it from happening to someone else.
This example was in an article for the Guardian by Laura Bates of the Everyday Sexism Project. ‘While out running on a reasonably busy street in broad daylight, I was stopped and asked for directions … I obliged and as I showed him on the map on my phone he looked down my top, made a sleazy remark then grabbed my breast … I calmly took his registration and went straight to the police. I was surprised by how seriously they took it. They thanked me for coming in! They agreed with me: this guy was out of order and his behaviour was not OK! He’s been charged.’2
You might believe that because you’ve kissed someone or gone home with them, you’re obliged or under pressure to have sex. You aren’t. Just because you said yes to or had sex with them before, it doesn’t mean you have to say yes now. You have the right to change your mind.
From the women I’ve spoken to, it seems much of our fear of saying no to sex comes down to a fear of being rejected.
Sorrel, twenty, told me: ‘I’d got myself into thinking this guy was the only one who would ever show interest in me, so who was I to say no? I was worried if I did I would be rejected, abandoned or replaced. To quell my deep-seated fear that I’d end up alone, I’d say yes to sex. After I started to say no more, I finally learned that saying no actually gains you more respect because you’re being assertive. It doesn’t make you selfish to say no to something you don’t want to do.’
You don’t owe your body to anyone. And if someone cares about you, they would not want you to feel uncomfortable about saying yes to sex. Plus if you’re lying there, wishing it was over, it’s hardly a recipe for sizzling sex for the other person! You deserve to be with someone who wants you to enjoy the experience as much as them.
It swings both ways. If you’re using sex to manipulate the other person, that’s not right either. Sure, there might be times when you’re a bit tired for sex with your partner but you go along with it anyway. But feeling disgusted with yourself afterwards because you’ve gone against your own values is different.
As much as we’d like them to be, our partners are not mind-readers, and we need to get braver at saying no to what we don’t want as well as asking for what we do.
Tune in to that inner compass and ask yourself, ‘Is this a yes or a no for me?’ ‘Is this making me uncomfortable?’ Read on for more about listening to yourself and what your needs are.
Make a list of the things you want to say no to.
Then make a list of exactly what you will say.
Finding small ways to say no builds your ‘no’ muscle and gives you the confidence to say no in more serious or important moments. Where can you practise saying no today? Try declining the offer of more water from the waiter; saying, ‘Not today, thanks!’ to the chugger who tries to stop you in the street; or telling your colleague you can’t come into the last-minute meeting.
If you do say yes, own your decision. Remind yourself you’re choosing to do it. The reality is, you don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to go to work; you choose to, so you can pay your bills. Even if you’re stuck in a job that is far from ideal, you made a choice at some time to do it to support yourself or your family.
Everything is a choice, and it’s empowering to remember that options are always available. Affirm, ‘I am choosing to do this.’
★ Every time you say no to what isn’t your top priority, you say yes to what is.
★ If it isn’t a ‘hell, yeah!’ it should be a ‘no’.
★ When you’re put on the spot, saying ‘Let me get back to you about that’ can buy you time to formulate your no.