Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
When I’m talking about success, I’m not talking about reaching the top of the corporate ladder or winning Britain’s Got Talent. Yes, success might mean those things, but it could also be the success of having a big group of friends or getting a pay rise at the shop you work in, or setting up your own small business.
What if the only thing scarier than failing is the possibility of seeing that you are pretty fucking amazing? Now, before you roll your eyes and brace yourself for a positivity pep talk that you’ll likely reject out of hand, or before you get too much of an inflated ego, come closer and listen. What I mean is, everyone is special … and no one is special. You are exquisitely unique … and also just like everybody else. We are all, as human beings, amazing, miraculous and beautiful. The most complex and intelligent life in the known universe. The scary part is, if we knew how brilliant we were, we might actually have to go after the things we really want. The responsibility of being the one who can save and heal yourself (and the world) would feel too much. Or you might feel plain old unworthy of making your mark, finding it impossible to live up to your potential.
Last year, my career started to go really well. I was being given new opportunities, as more and more people wanted to know what I had to say. From the outside, I looked as if I was flying. But inside, I felt like slamming down on the brakes, crawling into a pillow fort with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and never coming out. I’d been comfortable doing what I knew before; and now it seemed I had to go outside my comfort zone every single day. Suddenly, speaking up, setting boundaries, saying no and ‘being seen’ became everyday occurrences.
The more exposure I was getting, the more I felt like hiding away. I found myself worrying, how can I keep this up? What if I end up getting overwhelmed and burning out? Will my friends think I’m getting ‘too big for my boots’? I was concerned I couldn’t sustain this extra level of pressure, that I’d end up falling from this greater height. I realized, being more ‘visible’ had left me more open to criticism, that people were more likely to offer up their unsolicited opinions or give me unwelcome feedback. It seemed much safer to stay within the confines of what I’d always done before. I realized that, like many women, I wasn’t being held back by fear of failure but by my fear of success.
My friend Sophie wondered if workmates would still like her if she went after a promotion. My client Amber felt unworthy of sitting at the managers’ table and feared ‘being found out’ as not good enough for her new, bigger role. With success comes heavier responsibility and higher pressure – and so, fears. These fears can be unconscious, can rear their heads to silently sabotage success just as we’re starting to achieve some of the things we’ve wanted. Our unconscious fears can even trick us into thinking we don’t really want success. They might make you purposefully act less confident than you feel, for fear of judgement, or make excuses for holding yourself back. They might tell you, you don’t need to push through the discomfort and show up to that key event, it’s fine to stay in and do your laundry!
Fear can even make you self-sabotage your success. Maybe you start a petty argument with your new partner after an amazing date because things were going a little too well and, underneath, it was making you uneasy. Or you find yourself getting too drunk at your birthday party because all the love and attention felt overwhelming, and you doubted whether you deserved it.
Success does look different for everyone but here are some examples that might reveal that you fear success:
Write out each of your fears and their possible consequences by answering the following questions. Try to stay rational and be kind to yourself as you answer:
What is scary about being confident, assertive and successful?
What do I think the possible downsides of this success might be?
What are all the different, more positive and constructive ways I can handle this?
Consider these possible answers:
Friends thinking I’m getting over confident ➞ They reject and abandon me ➞ The likelihood is that they will be proud and happy for me and if they’re not, do I really need them as friends?
Being asked to do more work ➞ I end up burning out ➞ I can stay aware of this and take action if and when it happens. I can take care of myself more. I can set firm boundaries, so I am not overworked.
Getting more praise ➞ It makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed ➞ I can work on accepting praise and compliments. If someone praises me, I deserve it! I can practise saying ‘thank you’ when someone pays me a compliment.
★ Our fear of success can sometimes be even bigger than our fear of failure.
★ Think about situations where you might be fearing success. Find a more proactive and rational way to look at each one.