Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
Do you recognize yourself in any of these situations?
If you do, you might just be a perfectionist.
I’ve already described how perfectionism is an impossible goal, one that uses up valuable energy. Now I’d like to go further: I believe fear of failure (and of success) in women can be caught up with our need to be perfect. And becoming brave means needing to learn to have the courage to be imperfect.
As I mentioned in Chapter 10 ‘Shatter the illusion of perfectionism’, many of us don’t recognize ourselves as ‘perfectionists’ because we can see we’re not totally perfect. But – and this is a big but – we do have perfectionist tendencies. This is something I see in clinic, time and again, the sense that failure, mistakes or weakness are unacceptable or a downright disaster.
Perfectionist tendencies keep us small. They stop us trying things unless we’re 100 per cent sure we can succeed. And we don’t ask for new opportunities because we don’t feel ‘ready’. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with having high standards, but when they are so impossibly high that you never feel you’re good enough to go after what you want, it’s time for a perfectionism overhaul.
Let’s start by looking at where your perfectionism may have come from. In school, achievement and high standards are rewarded. Being a perfectionist is often positively reinforced. Praise from parents can lead us to associate doing well with being loved. Maybe you were told what a ‘good girl’ you were, or parents and teachers said what a ‘perfect’ daughter or student you were. On the flipside, if you were pressured by critical parents when you were young, it might have caused you to grow up believing you’re not good enough as you are and must always push to do better. And as society rewards physical attractiveness, looking impeccably well dressed or always having flawless nails and hair may have been reinforced for you too. In the present, perhaps a boss loves your extreme attention to detail and work ethic and now you feel pressured to keep it up.
When you’re living in a place of not-enoughness, it doesn’t matter what you achieve. Only when you are perfect will you feel ready to be your most confident self and do what you’ve dreamed of doing … but sadly you never feel perfect enough. Once you’ve achieved one goal, it won’t be long before you’re unhappy again, and start working towards the next goal. You see yourself and what you do in black and white, as either perfect or a failure. Relying on and attempting to control what other people think of you creates a lot of tension and means you can’t relax and be yourself.
I had a client, Susannah, who was always striving for perfection in her work. But as soon as she’d attained a great result or reached a milestone, she set the bar higher. She was the youngest senior member of staff at her law firm, had bought a house way before most of her peers. She described herself as always giving 110 per cent, but never feeling worthy or good enough. She put huge amounts of pressure on herself to do and be more. She was the first person at her desk in the morning and the last person to leave.
Susannah was never going to reach a point where she could relax and enjoy even a tiny bit of her success. The idea of making a mistake or failing was so hideous to her, she had to keep every aspect of her job and public profile tightly under control. She used up massive amounts of energy trying to please her superiors and was terrified of saying the wrong thing. When something did go awry at work, she’d agonize about it for days and beat herself up.
When Susannah came to see me, she was suffering from panic attacks and regularly burst into tears in the toilets at work. She was convinced it was only her high standards that had kept her in the job for so long. I asked her, ‘What are those high standards costing you?’ She told me: sleepless nights, anxiety, and having no time to find a partner, among others. I suggested an experiment: for Susannah to lower her standards by just 10 per cent. This, she felt, was manageable and achievable.
She started to leave work earlier two nights a week, she began to delegate more, and she made a commitment to be kinder to herself about any perceived mistakes. It took courage for her to risk being imperfect, but as a result she felt calmer, happier and had more time to date and meet new people. To her surprise, she was still successful at work, and colleagues even commented that she seemed more relaxed and approachable.
There are four lies that make up the perfection myth:
‘If I’m a perfect friend, then everyone will like me and I’ll be happy.’
Everything we do as human beings is to try and increase our happiness. The only reason you want the perfect CV/partner/pair of jeans/yearly review is because you believe it will make you happy. It won’t.
‘When I’m perfect at my role, then I’ll be ready for a promotion.’
If you’re waiting for perfect conditions or to be perfect at something, you’ll never take the action that you want. Waiting to be perfect before you can accept yourself is deluded because it just isn’t going to happen.
‘If I get top marks in my exams, then I’ll be confident in a job interview.’
‘When I’m a perfect mum, then people won’t judge me.’
We believe we can’t feel confident about our bodies unless they’re perfect. Many of us are waiting for perfection before we accept and love ourselves or dare to go after the relationship, job or life that we want.
‘If my boss thinks I’m the perfect employee, then I’ll finally be satisfied.’
I’d argue that perfection isn’t achievable. Everyone has their own, different idea of what ‘perfect’ means. Being seen as perfect in the eyes of everyone is impossible.
The problem with the ‘if-then’ mindset is that trying to get to perfection puts a huge strain on you. Constantly being on edge, overworking, worrying and pressurizing yourself as you try to attain your goal is a sure-fire way to prevent yourself from feeling happy.
If you finally feel something might be perfect, your feelings of achievement are likely to be short-lived. That perfection won’t last – it only takes some unexpected humidity to ruin a perfect hair day, or a delayed flight to spoil a perfect weekend away. Or else you immediately set your sights on the next goal. Just got a promotion? Start working towards the next one! Managed to squeeze into size eight jeans? Now you need to get down to a size six!
Think about this: what is perfection, anyway? In fact, it’s just someone’s opinion! If it’s your own, you’ll know it changes depending on your mood and has probably changed over time too. If your version is about being perceived as perfect by another person, this fits firmly in the box marked ‘things you can’t control’. Hanging your happiness and confidence on your ability to control someone else’s opinion is a recipe for misery. And if its pursuit makes you so anxious that you can’t enjoy your life, what’s the point?
Being human is messy. We are by our nature imperfect beings. Trying to be perfect actually goes against our nature! It’s unnatural! What needs to come first is acceptance. Weirdly, that’s when things start to feel perfect, when you accept that you, as you are, are pretty awesome. Accepting your imperfections doesn’t mean stagnating. It’s going to make your life so much richer to think of yourself as ever evolving, ever learning and growing, and always making progress, no matter what.
My client Anna told me about a summer trip to Amsterdam she’d organized for her mother and sister. She’d planned a stunning canal-side apartment, gallery visits and gorgeous places to eat and watch city life go by.
When they got to their Airbnb, Anna’s mother pointed out the apartment was a bit smaller than expected and there weren’t any tea bags. Being a perfectionist, Anna took this criticism to heart. It played on her mind, making her feel she’d failed. She continued to beat herself up all evening, so there was a tense atmosphere between the three of them.
Suddenly, just as they left the restaurant to walk back to the apartment, huge, heavy drops of summer rain began to fall. Since there were no taxis they had no choice but to make a run for it, getting soaked and arriving back tired but beaming with exhilaration. It was far from perfect, but they felt so present and alive. Afterwards, they all agreed that running home in the rain was the highlight of the trip!
Anna said, ‘I realized it was only when I let go of perfect, just started to embrace the mess, that we ended up having the best time.’
If you can be brave enough to embrace life’s imperfections and your own too, you open yourself up to enjoy things you didn’t know you could.
An interesting thing happens when you accept things as they are. Accepting just means being open to feeling that everything is OK, even if it doesn’t go exactly to plan. And don’t worry, this won’t stop you doing your best or making progress. Accepting, rather than perfecting, is what leads to happiness and peace. Remind yourself of this: life feels perfect when you accept things as they are.
Exercise 1: Find a way to reframe mistakes you may have made in the past by thinking about what you learned from them. How can you use what you learned to be better next time?
Exercise 2: List the ways or situations in which you are a perfectionist. Are you thinking in black and white or catastrophizing? How could you see things differently? What would a good friend advise you to do? Are there ways to lower your standards to ‘good enough’ and to accept enough being enough, so you can move forward?
Exercise 3: List all of the benefits you’ll get from being less of a perfectionist. They might be things such as, ‘I’ll be kinder to myself’, ‘I’ll get more done’, ‘I’ll be able to move forward and take action’, ‘I’ll feel more confident’, ‘I’ll embrace myself as I am’ or ‘I’ll feel less anxious and stressed’.
Sometimes we fear failure because we’ve never had a chance to fail and learn that it’s OK. I’m going to suggest you make small mistakes on purpose. While this might seem excruciating at first, it really is the best way to learn that mistakes are, in fact, no big deal. I’m not suggesting you fail massively by sabotaging an important pitch at work. What we’re looking for is a small, token failure. Try one of these or make up your own:
Leave a long silence during a presentation.
Purposely turn up late to a meeting.
Bake a wonky cake for a friend.
Wear something mismatched to the office.
You’ll discover that not only will you survive, but no one will care much and you’ll be less worried about failing in the future.
★ Many people have perfectionist tendencies. Even if you have a messy desk, you can still be a perfectionist in other areas.
★ Perfection is a myth; it doesn’t exist, it doesn’t lead to happiness, and ‘being perfect’ won’t lead to you feeling more confident.
★ Things feel perfect when we embrace the messiness of life (and ourselves!) as it is.