Sometimes courage looks a lot like failure.
JESSICA LAHEY, THE GIFT OF FAILURE
Here are some of the world’s most famous ‘failures’, those who tried and tried again until they hit the big time or created something that changed the world.
OK, you get the picture. Failure happens to everyone. Failing is an inevitable by-product of doing. Perhaps what’s holding you back from being all you can be, is your worry about making mistakes.
When I started out as a therapist eight years ago, I knew I wanted to run group workshops, but kept putting it off. Finally, I decided I had to do it. I put in weeks of promotion, posting up my home-made flyers in every cafe in Hackney, doing a Facebook advert and sending emails to past clients to drum up business.
On the day, a grand total of one paying person showed up, the numbers made up by friends and my sister. I was pretty embarrassed, in fact devastated. That evening, as I tidied away the yoga mats and gathered pens and paper, I nearly cried. I thought people’s lack of interest was evidence I was useless as a therapist, nobody liked me, and I should give up on workshops as they were never going to work.
After dwelling in self-loathing and misery for an hour or so, I decided to do some journaling. As I started to write down my thoughts, I realized I’d been lost in catastrophic black and white thinking. I had believed that if the workshop wasn’t a triumph, it was an utter disaster.
I made a list of all of the ideas I could think of to make it more successful next time. I decided to reframe the whole experience as a source of valuable feedback; a great starting point from which I could improve.
Planning the next workshop, I made sure I used that list. I invited people in person. I was more confident in the emails I sent out and in talking about the benefits of coming. I reached out to my network for help. And guess what? I got a very respectable ten people to attend. As life coach and business strategist Tony Robbins says, ‘There’s no such thing as failure, only results.’ Whatever happens, it’s useful information.
What meaning do you give to your ‘failures’? Do you take them personally, believing failing means there’s something wrong with you, that you are uniquely flawed and destined for a life of disappointment? If so, you need to challenge that belief. Because it is impossible for a person to be a failure. There are so many factors that make up the complete you, a human being. Failures in no way define you.
Our minds love to make things binary: sink or swim, win or lose, feeling like you can take on the world or the world is against you. It can seem as though there is no in between; and obviously this is irrational. Life is constantly moving, changing and growing, in flux. To think that we’ll one day arrive at a state of failure (or even success!) can’t be true. What you might see as failure is just a pause on the twisting, turning path of life, a pivot on the way to the next thing. You can transform the meaning you give to failure from ‘I’m not good enough’ all the way to ‘an important stepping stone on the path to my success’.
Even companies that seem unstoppable now, like Apple and Instagram, will one day ‘fail’. We talk about a relationship ‘failing’ but is that really true because it ended? Maybe it was good for a time, perhaps you learned a lot or it paved the way for your next relationship?
The truth is, failure is an essential part of growing and learning. You were born with an inbuilt ability to try things, fail and try again. It’s human nature. Think about when you were really little, learning to walk. One day you pulled yourself up, took a tiny step … then tumbled over. Day after day, you stood up, tried to walk and fell over. Each time you became a little stronger, wiser and more coordinated. You didn’t allow the falls to hold you back, because instinctively you knew they were all part of the process. Learning to walk without falling over is impossible. Failure is inevitable. But know this; as you fail, you get better and better.
As an adult, you may have forgotten that it’s OK to fail, but you can re-learn how. If you don’t even try, you fail by default. Anxiety, about perfection and making mistakes, leading to procrastination and not taking chances, can hold you back from success. If that’s true for you, the answer is to take a tiny step in the right direction. Make a start (the most important bit!) and the momentum will grow along with your confidence.
Make a list of the things you’re afraid to do because of perfectionism or fear of failure. What is one small, teeny, tiny step you could take towards the thing you’re afraid to do? It could be:
Spending thirty minutes researching a new project.
Deciding what you’re going to say in a tricky conversation.
Sending an email to set up a meeting.
By taking one, small, brave step forwards, you’ll build your courage to take bigger steps and grow your momentum to move forward.
Did you know your imperfections could make you more attractive, not less? A psychological phenomenon – brilliantly named the Pratfall Effect – says if you are seen as competent and yet you make a small mistake, such as fluffing a few words in a presentation or dropping a drink, it can make others perceive you as more likeable.
The same holds true when you admit to a weakness or your imperfections, and so reveal your authentic self. People are more likely to warm to you; we prefer fallible over too-perfect-to-be-real. I’m sure you can think of people you know whose faults and vulnerabilities make you love them all the more. In the celebrity world, the people we fall in love with are often the ones just being themselves, imperfections and all: Jennifer Lawrence for her goofyness in interviews; Chrissy Teigen for tweeting pictures of her cellulite and stretch marks; and Lena Dunham for her vulnerable shares about mental health.
All those things you pressurize yourself about? The people who really matter don’t give a damn about them. When I think of my beloved friends and family, I know their material success, career progression or even their ability (or inability) to apply perfect eyeliner don’t affect how much I love them one bit. You are loved for who you are, as you are.
Choose curiosity over fear.
LIZ GILBERT
Because reaching perfection is at best a strain and at worst impossible, focus instead on progress. See yourself as ever-evolving and changing. And remember your worth does not depend on how well you do. Be gentle with yourself and know that you are here to learn and grow, not to be perfect. When you do your best and learn from your mistakes, it is always good enough.
Some people believe that the opposite of fear is not courage or relaxation, but curiosity. Fear makes us feel like running away, while curiosity makes us move towards. Fear keeps us stuck, while curiosity wants us to explore.
The language you use is important here. In recent years, when I’ve felt myself falling into fear, I’ve shifted my perspective on the situation with language. Instead of the adrenaline-drenched ‘what if …?’ I’ve started to use a light and breezy ‘I wonder what …?’.
This simple reframe allows you to approach things with interest rather than trepidation, with openness rather than catastrophization, and with excitement rather than dread. Can you ask, ‘I wonder what …?’ and get curious about that tough conversation, how your new relationship will unfold or how much money your side-business will make this year?
Have you noticed how things tend to turn out OK, most of the time? Many of us focus too much on what could go wrong, not enough on what could go right. When you enter a situation with openness and an expectation that all will be well, your mind is in the best state for that to be so. When you’re fearful, blood flow gets directed away from the frontal cortex, the rational part of your brain, towards the amygdala and other parts of the body, to prepare you to run away or fight. So being scared and doubtful means you’re less rational and clear thinking … therefore less equipped to handle whatever happens. When you’re thinking positively, you’re also more likely to feel confident.
Think of an upcoming tricky conversation, one where you might fail. Perhaps you need to set a boundary with someone, want to ace a project at work, or ask for what you want in a relationship. Mentally rehearse it going exactly as you want. Use all your senses to imagine it going well; your confident posture, your clear and calm speaking voice, you being 100 per cent present, feeling assertive and self-assured. Do this repeatedly and you’ll create positive expectation and, eventually, a new self-image that will take you into the situation with new confidence.
If you imagine the worst happening, you can also imagine how you would deal with it. That will set up your inner confidence that you can cope, no matter what happens. Answer these questions:
What failure am I afraid of, right now?
What could happen if I did fail?
How exactly would I handle this?
★ Turn your failures into useful information to help you improve.
★ Taking small, micro-brave steps helps to build your confidence.
★ Choosing curiosity over fear helps you to move towards things rather than running away.