It wasn’t me.
SHAGGY
To take your confidence to the next level, you’ll need to come over to the dark side … your dark side, that is (don’t worry, we all have one).
Knowing yourself in all your awfulness and all of your amazingness and knowing that it’s all OK leads to a self-assurance that those who only focus on the good stuff, or feel ashamed of the bad stuff, cannot have. When we accept all of ourselves, the sparkly, shiny parts and the crappy ones, we’re closer to finally feeling at home in ourselves.
While ‘owning your shit’ isn’t technically a psychological term (although I think it should be), it is an important step when it comes to self-acceptance. Repressing and disowning our negative traits is one of the biggest things getting in the way of us loving and accepting ourselves. When we deny our dark side, we deny our very humanness. Psychiatrist Carl Jung called this part ‘the shadow’. It’s the bit we don’t like to admit to, the bit we don’t accept. But unless we embrace our darkness, we can’t fully see our goodness. As Jung wrote, ‘To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light.’
In a world where we’re encouraged to strive for perfection, where ‘positive thinking’ is all the rage, and we’re asked to spread good vibes at every opportunity, it can be hard to acknowledge our weaknesses, let alone accept them. But remember, it’s normal to be imperfect, and only by accepting and, in fact, loving our imperfections, can we love our whole selves.
Often, it comes into being when we are shamed about a part of ourselves. And so we suppress that part and deny its existence, but it never goes away. A clue to your dark side is, it’s what you want to hide, or deny, the parts that come with a fear of being found out.
I remember, in my first job after university, I was always finding excuses as to why there was a mistake in my work. I couldn’t just own my mistake, apologize and get on with fixing it. I had to find an excuse for every mistake, why it wasn’t my fault or why there was an excellent reason for it.
At home, I’d blame my boyfriend for the broken mug, conveniently forgetting it was me who put it into the dishwasher, or the scratch on the lino that could well have been my fault. I couldn’t bear even to have made this kind of everyday mistake. I later realized the blame was me defending myself against the shame of ‘being wrong’. At the time, accepting I could be wrong felt too painful.
This pattern kept me stuck. I couldn’t get to know myself and accept all parts of myself while I was denying my imperfect, mistake-making part. I couldn’t work on getting better because I wasn’t able to recognize what the problem really was.
These days, I recognize my old pattern of avoiding being wrong by blaming other people, before it spirals. I’ve learned to acknowledge and take ownership of my mistakes. And it feels a lot more free and authentic.
There’s another upside to loving all of you: having nothing to hide and knowing yourself, imperfections and all, makes what others think matter less. I don’t have to be so afraid of people seeing ‘the real me’ because I’m accepting of all of the parts of myself.
Want to know an excellent way to find out what your shadow side is? Look at what annoys or upsets you about other people. Jung said we will often project our shadow on to someone else. When we notice something negative about another person, it’s because we have that same quality. ‘If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us,’ writes Hermann Hesse.
In Radical Forgiveness Colin Tipping, founder of the Institute for Radical Forgiveness Therapy, puts it brilliantly: ‘If you spot it, you’ve got it.’ So if you find yourself spotting the arrogance, loudness or bossiness in another person, look for where that same quality hides in you, that you haven’t accepted.
So, when another person causes you to eye-roll in their general direction, it’s likely because they are reflecting back to you something you need to accept and love about yourself. If you’re annoyed about the selfishness of another person, it could be because there’s a selfish part within you that you’re not acknowledging or accepting. It explains why I used to label outwardly confident women as ‘show-offs’; I’d been shamed into suppressing the part of me that wanted to be the centre of attention, on a stage, inspiring other people or making them laugh (it’s true).
Triggered by the colleague who’s always dressed up for work like she’s going to a wedding? Maybe it’s because you don’t feel worthy of ‘standing out’.
Irked by the intern who’s flirting with the guys in the office? Maybe it’s because you desire attention too.
Pissed off at your friend who’s always letting people walk all over her? In what ways do you allow yourself to get walked over?
Think about what triggers and annoys you about others, then use this to work out the qualities of your shadow side. Add to this the stuff you don’t like to admit to, are ashamed of, that society doesn’t deem ‘acceptable’ (hello, eating a sandwich over a waste-paper bin because you don’t want to get crumbs everywhere).
Now ask yourself these questions:
How can I start to love and accept these parts, knowing they’re part of what makes me human – and that they’re the parts that need love the most?
How is the dark side of me trying to help me? Notice what good intentions your shadow parts have. They’re there for a reason.
You don’t need to justify the bad parts, just to bring acceptance to them so you can accept yourself. Carl Jung also said that ‘what you resist, persists’ and taught that when we can allow and accept something, it’s easier for it to dissolve or transform. The energy of resistance keeps you stuck. It sounds counter-intuitive, but when you accept your faults, you’ll find it makes them easier to change.
With that list of your dark parts, write down what the positive intention behind each one is. For example:
I blame others because I can’t stand to be ‘wrong’ ➞ This part of me is trying to protect me against feeling I’m ‘bad’. It came from the shame I felt in the past when I’d get told off.
I’m controlling ➞ Being in control feels safer. In the past, I’ve felt out of control and unsafe.
I’m selfish ➞ If I’m not selfish, I’m scared my needs won’t get met.
I’m rude ➞ I have been taken advantage of in the past and I don’t want it happening again.
I’m angry ➞ My anger is to make right a perceived injustice.
I’m judgemental and I make assumptions ➞ I believe that by putting others down I can make myself feel better and raise my own self-esteem.
I’m antisocial ➞ It’s conserving my energy and protecting me against the possibility of rejection.
Knowing the positive intention of the shadow part allows us to decide whether it’s serving us. If not, we can choose to change it or find another way to meet that need. For example, instead of being selfish as a means of trying to make sure your needs get met, can you instead try asking for what you want? Instead of being judgemental about others, can you recognize your own need for validation and reassurance?
When we shine a light on the ‘bad’ parts of ourselves and recognize how they’re trying to help us, we can start to accept them, integrate them and get to know ourselves on a deeper level. If we suppress or deny them, the shadow side only gets stronger. By bringing awareness to them, we have more control over them.
Owning your imperfections, accepting your whole self, all your mistakes, the gross bits and the messiness, will help you fully embrace yourself, be yourself and enjoy being you to the max. It’s not easy to face your shadow, it takes courage for sure, but authentic, lasting confidence comes from knowing and accepting every part of ourselves. When we know ourselves, what others think starts to matter less. And we free ourselves to be the best we can be.
★ Getting to know and accept your dark side is the path to true self-acceptance.
★ There is often a positive intention behind the dark side; what is a healthier way to fulfil the positive intention?
★ If you spot it, you’ve got it. The parts of other people you find annoying are often those you have repressed and denied in yourself.