The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.
COCO CHANEL
Do you struggle to speak up, to ask for what you want, to have a voice? There could be a million reasons why. Maybe your family were a particularly loud and vocal bunch and so, as a child, you couldn’t get a word in. Or they were on the reserved side, so you learned to take more of a back seat and listen rather than speaking up. Perhaps, sadly, you were repeatedly told to shut up, to let the adults talk. Alternatively, not being able to find your voice could be about what’s happening now. Perhaps you work in a male-dominated industry, or an office stuffed with extroverts, and speaking up makes you nervous. Or you harbour a belief that what you have to say isn’t important.
While I was always loud with my family and people I knew well, I struggled to speak in groups. I would never put my hand up to ask a question in class at university and in my first job, I dreaded meetings where I was expected to contribute ideas – in fact, I was practically mute. I didn’t believe I deserved the airtime, and was terrified of saying ‘the wrong thing’. But things have changed so much for me, and it can for you too, I promise. You can find your voice. Whether you’re softly spoken and want more gravitas, you’re scared to speak up and share your opinions, or you tend to watch from the sidelines while other people do the talking, it is always possible to grow in confidence and learn to express yourself more.
Speaking out is a trait of a leader. Jessica Bennet, an editor for Sheryl Sandberg’s non-profit, says while men are taught to lead, women are taught to nurture: ‘So when women exhibit male traits – you know, decision-making, authority, leadership – we often dislike them, while men who exhibit those same traits are frequently deemed strong, masculine, and competent.’1 Although things are changing, this male–female bias still exists. Add in our fear, self-doubt and self-sabotage, and why would we ever speak out? Part of the solution is to speak up anyway, to challenge these outdated notions, even if it means risking being disliked in the process. It means being brave enough to risk disapproval. And it means supporting other women when they speak up.
Take some time to reflect on where you are when it comes to speaking up. And think about where you’d like to be, too. Sometimes the light of awareness is enough to kick-start the change you want. Write down the answers to these questions:
If you were 100 per cent confident, what would you say, and to whom?
When and where do you hold your tongue?
What frustrates you but you keep quiet about it?
If you knew you couldn’t fail, how would you speak up and what would you say?
What would you love to say (or write), but haven’t yet found the courage?
A whopping 50 per cent of adults describe themselves as ‘shy’. If you are one of them, it can be helpful to think: ‘Half of the people I meet feel as uncomfortable as me.’ Oh, and another crucial thing to remember is that just because someone shouts louder, it does not mean their viewpoint is more valid or more likely to be correct, although it’s true that louder voices are more likely to be listened to and perceived as confident.
You need to know this: the world needs your unique perspective, your wisdom and your courage. Think of all the shy, quiet or introverted people who never get their ideas heard in the boardroom, or their stories told over the dinner table. Imagine all the creative ideas that never get expressed due to fear, the wisdom people keep to themselves because they don’t believe what they have to say is of value, and the wrongs that can been righted if only we dare to speak up. If you don’t express yourself fully, your knowledge and gifts won’t get a chance to see the light of day, and as a result, everyone misses out.
I know how it feels to not want to speak up. When my sixth-form English teacher asked me a question in front of the class, I’d blush as red as a strawberry while reading the racier parts of Chaucer. I couldn’t make eye contact with the teacher. I had problems speaking to people one on one, never mind in front of the class.
At university, studying nutrition, I had to present my projects to classmates, which I dreaded. Especially as, early in the course, one presentation ended up as an out-of-body experience – and not in a good way. As I stood up to speak, I felt all the blood drain from my face. A fuzzy, white mist descended in front of my eyes, my lungs felt on fire. Standing there in front of thirty classmates, I tried desperately to ‘act normal’, which only added to my inner panic. And then came one of the strangest and scariest feelings of my life; I felt as if I’d come out of my body and was floating a metre or so above myself, looking down. I later learned this is called ‘dissociation’, and it can happen when you’re in a highly anxious state. The thought of it ever happening again left a cloud hanging over every other presentation.
I used to defend my shyness with a sort of pride. I was ‘taking a back seat to let others shine’, I was being ‘selfless’ by not claiming any attention, I was being ‘modest’ by being coy and reserved. The ego is your sense of self-importance and I believed that us shy people were somehow better because we had smaller egos (the irony is not lost on me). I thought putting other people first and listening rather than speaking were acts of kindness and even, gulp, signs of moral superiority.
What I have learned – and apologies if this truth bomb hits you a little hard, as it did me – is that shy people are the ones with the biggest egos. We take ourselves the most seriously. We want to be ‘good’ and ‘liked’ so much, we won’t even attempt to speak up for fear of being criticized. We make ourselves inferior because we so badly want to be superior! As spiritual teacher and author Eckhart Tolle told Oprah, ‘Deep down inside the shy person there’s the unexpressed desire to be superior.’ Discovering this has not only helped me to remember to take myself less seriously but also to remind myself, regularly, that there is nothing morally superior about hiding your light.
As a child, I loved to sing and would constantly sing around the house. Belinda Carlisle, Tina Turner, Fleetwood Mac, Destiny’s Child … I’d sing my little heart out, hairbrush for a mic. I wasn’t at all shy about singing. Honestly, I thought I was pretty good.
At the age of fifteen, I got my first acoustic guitar. I named him Greg and whipped him out at every opportunity. My friends were subjected to hours of five-chord wonders by Nirvana or Feeder, as we sat in the park, cans of cut-price cider in hand.
At the time, I’d just met my first boyfriend, Chris. One day, I can only imagine irritated by my insistence on hogging the guitar and playing the same chords repeatedly with my unsophisticated strumming pattern, he snapped at me: ‘You think you’re so good at singing and playing the guitar. But you’re not.’
My confidence shattered as my fragile ego took a massive hit. While I carried on playing my guitar in private, it would be another fifteen years until the next time I sang in public. What I told myself, for all those years, was that I was ‘too shy’ to sing. Even when, a few years ago, I tried to sing in front of my current boyfriend, who’s literally never said one unkind word to me, I froze and the words wouldn’t come out.
Then last summer, as part of my professional training, I attended a course on sound therapy. Sound therapy is about using sounds and vibrations from Tibetan bowls, gongs and your voice to relax and soothe the mind and body. Part of the course was about learning to free your voice, as so many people feel shy about the sound of their voice, and singing in particular. I confided in Michelle Avarard, the teacher, the whole sorry story of how my singing voice had ended up blocked. What she said to me echoed Eckhart Tolle: ‘Shyness is actually when people have big egos, a big sense of self-importance. Our egos have a constant desire for validation, recognition, acceptance and approval. Shy people are afraid to shine because we’re taking it all too personally and taking ourselves too seriously.’
What Michelle told me next really rang true; that we are all part of something much bigger, of nature and all of creation. As nature is just expressing itself through us, nothing we do is really about us – at all. Whether you’re singing, reading a poem you wrote, acting on a stage or pitching an idea to a client, expressing your gifts and sharing your inspiration, creativity or experience can never be wrong. Since that day, instead of asking myself, ‘Who am I to speak up?’ I ask, ‘Who am I to keep this to myself?’ I also realized, whether I’m a good singer or not is no big deal.
That night, there was an open mic performance. Despite the pep talk from Michelle, I decided not to take part. As I slunk back to my room, I felt a huge wave of disappointment with myself. I sat, slumped on the bed, acutely aware of my guitar resting idly in the corner.
I have found, when it comes to taking action that’s a little bit brave, there is often a crunch point, when you have to make a choice. This one stretched out from seconds into minutes, as I wavered. Could I face my terror of being heard? Or should I stay safely in my room? Then, at the last minute, I heard a voice in my head ask, ‘What do I need to do to overcome this fear?’ My heart answered immediately, ‘You need to go and do it’.
I grabbed my guitar and headed to the room where the performance was taking place. When it was my turn to sing, I could feel my pulse beating through my whole body, the adrenaline pounding through me. I took a deep breath and I began. I was very far from perfect; my voice cracked, I messed up a few words. But I did it.
Afterwards, it felt simultaneously hugely momentous but also like no big deal. Once I’d done it, I wondered, ‘What was all the fuss about?!’ But I also knew it was a big step in expressing myself more freely. I had busted through the blockage that had kept me stuck; I felt a surge of confidence, more capable than ever before.
What I discovered was, overcoming my fear of singing was about having the courage to be average, to be imperfect or even to be rubbish, especially at first. I needed to remember that we are all an expression of nature, that it’s not really about us. Confidence, it turns out, is ‘knowing you are not that big of a deal’, as Marianne Williamson has put it; it’s about taking yourself less seriously. My voice cracked in front of thirty people – and it didn’t matter one bit. Knowing you can falter – and survive – is an important part of becoming more self-assured. After all, if you can do that, you literally have nothing to lose.
Whether you’re sharing your ideas in a business meeting, giving a speech at your best friend’s wedding or performing a song you wrote, none of it is about you. This is true of any words, music, information, wisdom, jokes. It all already exists, out in the world; there are no new ideas. It doesn’t define you, it’s just moving through you. It is life expressing itself, through you, and your job is to let it flow.
We often have fear of success and of failure simultaneously. We might be scared that what we have to say is bad or wrong, but also that it might be really good, bring us more attention, make us feel embarrassed or mean we’re asked to do more work. And moreover, we may be scared that if we do eventually fail after success, we’ll fall from an even greater height.
Your first step is simply to take some action, one tiny move towards the scary thing; going to an event solo, putting your hand up to ask a question in a workshop, or standing up to your colleague who’s a bully. Take that step and you’ll soon learn you can handle anything that comes up as a result. Have the courage to risk being imperfect and you’ll feel your confidence grow.
OK, OK, there is no ultimate secret. But if there was, it would be this: people who are naturally confident are not necessarily so because they think they’re amazing, have extensively pondered their own brilliance and have said 4,000 positive affirmations in the mirror that day. No. In fact, you might be surprised to hear, confident people don’t really think about themselves at all.
Thinking about ourselves too much is what causes us to get nervous and fearful about speaking up. Naturally confident women, on the other hand, are present, aware, focused completely on what they’re doing, saying and hearing. They’re in the moment, letting life and their own wisdom express itself through them. They give things a try without too much overthinking.
Next time you’re faced with a confidence-testing situation, get yourself into the moment. Focus intently on your surroundings. Notice the scenery, the people, the smells and the feeling of your feet on the ground. Deepen your breath and feel your belly rise and fall. Direct your attention outwards on to what you’re doing, towards the person or people you’re speaking to. Doing this will instantly distract you from your thoughts.
Between the testing times, it’s worth trying mindfulness meditation. This is a great way to strengthen your ability to be present, to learn how to focus on what’s happening rather than on your interior life. Apps such as Headspace or Buddhify make the process easy; you’ll find doing just ten minutes a day will give you a great start.
★ The world needs your voice and your ideas; please don’t keep them to yourself.
★ Whether you’re speaking in public, singing or telling a story at the table, it’s never really about you; life is expressing itself through you.
★ Confident people think about themselves less and are focused on the present moment.