People will love you. People will hate you. And none of it will have anything to do with you.
ABRAHAM HICKS
Never, in the history of womankind, has anyone been universally liked. Someone, somewhere probably thought Mother Teresa was a bit OTT. Some folks don’t care that much for Ellen. Some, probably, think Beyoncé is annoying AF. But if these women had ignored their purpose or watered down their personalities in order to be liked by a few more people, the world would be a far worse place. Part of true confidence is finding the courage to be disliked.
Before speaking on stage to over 200 people, I remember frantically telling my boyfriend Aidan of my hopes for the talk. ‘I want everyone to enjoy it. Everyone needs to laugh at this bit! And I want all of them to leave feeling inspired!’
I was searching for reassurance, but instead, with his usual Sagittarian frankness, he served up a healthy dose of realism. ‘Not everyone is going to like it. And that’s OK.’
I let what he said sink in. And it dawned on me: my inner control freak was labouring under the assumption I could create the ‘perfect’ talk, one every single person in the audience would love. But this is impossible. Despite our best attempts to gain approval, ultimately what people think of us is out of our control.
There are endless reasons why someone might dislike what you have to say. It could conflict with their personal experience. It may hit a nerve that you couldn’t even know exists. You might remind them of someone they don’t like. Your voice could grate on their nerves. They may not gel with your vibe. They might be jealous or find you threatening. Or they may simply not like the look of you. All of this is outside of your control. And all of this is A-OK.
When I let go of trying to please everyone and be perfect, I found I could breathe easy and focus on doing the best talk that I knew how.
Being OK with the possibility of not being liked is the key to your freedom and peace of mind. Remember, you don’t like everyone the same amount. We all have preferences. This doesn’t mean the people you don’t like are worth any less than you – we are all equal at the end of the day. They might just not be your cup of tea.
Until fairly recently, it was assumed women who wanted to get ahead at work needed to act like men. Especially in male-dominated corporate industries. Women thought they needed to take on the dominant macho values to get the big jobs. But do we really need to act like ball breakers to get ahead? It seems not. Numerous reports suggest when women ‘try to act like men’, not being themselves or acting aggressively, they are disliked for it. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy and fellow researchers, writing in the Harvard Business Review suggest that the best strategy is to first connect, then lead.1 Their research shows the traditionally more ‘feminine’ qualities of warmth and connection, rather than ‘masculine’ authority and aggression, can be an asset, not a hindrance, when it comes to being heard.
Connecting first, building trust and showing warmth, puts us in the best position to lead and influence others. ‘Warmth is the conduit of influence: it facilitates trust and the communication and absorption of ideas,’ writes Cuddy. When we combine warmth with strength, it’s a winning combination. Far from needing to be aggressive to gain respect and be listened to, being our warm, friendly selves works better.
You cannot easily fit women into a structure that is already coded as male; you have to change the structure.
MARY BEARD, WOMEN & POWER: A MANIFESTO
The Australian term ‘tall poppy syndrome’ refers to those deemed a little too successful, confident or prominent, who therefore need to be ‘cut down to size’. We’ve all seen it happen to celebrities by the press. Taylor Swift and Anne Hathaway, for example, were at first loved by the media, then later torn down. Maybe you’ve seen it happen in real life to a friend? Perhaps you’ve even been the one to bad-mouth another, purely for the fact they’re doing well and you felt the need to knock them off their throne. Tall poppy syndrome most definitely exists in the UK, where we love the underdog but also love to hate the person considered to have been on top for too long.
But who decides why or when someone gets cut down? Our society is rife with double standards towards women, less so towards men. Women get body shamed for being too thin, or too curvy. You can be cut down for trying hard with your appearance or for not seeming to try hard enough. Or for being too sexy or not sexy enough, too confident or not confident enough. We’re either too passive or we’re selfish and aggressive. There are so many ways we can be judged and found to be failing a seemingly random code of conduct or set of expectations.
Knowing that, do we keep ourselves small, our heads down and our voices quiet? Or do we risk speaking up, being proud, assertive and confident … and potentially being criticized or chopped down to size for it?
While we cannot change the culture overnight, we can start by changing our own mindset. The question is: are you going to let the fact that someone else feels jealous or threatened stop you from feeling confident or taking action? Are you going to let what someone else might think stop you from living the best life that you can? Will you join me in refusing to participate in this, and instead, lift up other women rather than tearing them down?
As you grow in confidence, there will be people who feel threatened, but there will be others for whom you become an inspiration. I recently saw an American woman, in a similar industry to me, boldly and proudly selling her services and talking about the incredible benefits people could get from working with her. The old me would have thought, ‘Wow, she’s so arrogant, who does she think she is?!’ But I now know, the reason for my past bitchiness was because I’d repressed and denied the part of me that wanted to be as bold. So instead, I allowed myself to feel inspired by her, to use her confidence to give myself permission to be bolder and more confident in my own work.
Ask yourself the following questions:
In what ways could you speak up and encourage others to do the same?
How could your bravery help others to conjure up their own courage?
How can you allow yourself to be inspired, rather than threatened, by other confident women?
If you’re looking for permission to do any of the things you think of, permission granted! Remember that if you’re critical of a confident or successful women, it could be that you’re suppressing the part of you that is (or wants to be) confident and successful too.
★ It is impossible to be liked by everyone – and that’s OK.
★ Let’s support other women who are doing well rather than cutting them down to size.