We have all learned by copying others; walking, talking and feeding ourselves, to name just a few examples. The reason we’re able to learn this way is because we have brain cells called mirror neurons. These specialized nerve cells were discovered by accident in the 1980s by neuroscientist Giacomo Rizzolatti and his colleagues.1 Studying the brains of monkeys, they happened to notice that the same neurons fired when the monkeys watched the researchers do an action, for example picking up a peanut, as when the monkey itself picked up a peanut.
Want to know why men automatically wince and cover their genitals when they see someone on TV getting kicked in the nuts (ouch!)? Mirror neurons. Their existence also explains why we salivate when we watch a slo-mo video of a knife cutting into a gooey chocolate fondant #foodporn. It’s because the same part of your brain is firing up, as if you were about to eat the dessert too.
Mirroring someone is part of the process of natural learning. As we watch the people we admire, our brains are practising what they do. If you take note of what it is that makes that person so impressive, even better. Whether you observe a colleague who’s killing it in the boardroom, watch TED talks of your favourite speakers, notice how your sister assertively stands up to your mum, or head out to watch your favourite beat poet live, watch what they do and how they do it.
The founders of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), Richard Bandler and John Grinder, proposed that the best way to become good at something was to learn from other people who were doing it well. Modelling involves learning from a successful person, making their qualities your own. It isn’t about impersonating or trying to act like them – that would not be cool or clever – but rather learning their processes, their abilities, skills and attitudes so you can use them to your advantage.
Who is your role model? Who has the sort of bravery, confidence or assertiveness you really admire? It could be a celeb, a work colleague, a goddess from mythology, a tutor at university or a friend. Some of my favourite inspirational women are:
Notice everything about them, the way they hold themselves, the way they move, where they look. Make a note of the way they speak, breathe, the pauses they take, the language they use. What is their attitude? How do they respond?
Make a note of the following to refer back to for the visualization in the next exercise.
| What do you think they believe about themselves? What have they said about their beliefs? For example: ‘What I have to say is useful.’ ‘I am more than good enough.’ ‘I am smart, strong and lovable.’ |
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| What do you think they are telling themselves? What is their internal dialogue likely to be? For example: ‘I’ve got this! I am in my element! I love speaking to people!’ |
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| What is their posture? How do they move? What gestures do they make? For example: relaxed, open body language, confident hand gestures, slow movements. |
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| How do they speak? What is their tone? Do they speak fast or slow? For example: pausing often or not at all, taking deep breaths. |
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| What do you imagine it feels like to be in their body in that moment, looking so calm and confident? Can you sense their energy? For example: expansive, grounded. |
You’ve watched a video of your role model and made detailed notes of what inspires you about them. Now download this meditation in the bonuses at www.calmer-you.com/brave-bonus.
Get comfortable and close your eyes. Take some deep breaths and imagine your body relaxing more with every out breath.
Now imagine your role model is standing in front of you. Notice what it is about her, what she does and how she does it, that you’d love to learn from and make your own. Notice the way she moves and holds herself.
Now step into her shoes and feel what it feels like to be in her body. Notice the feeling of holding yourself the way she does. Notice the posture. Feel the confident, positive energy.
Imagine speaking up with the same self-assurance as she does. Feel the sense of self-belief. Notice the positive, confident thoughts. Hear your voice as calm, clear and articulate. Really feel as though you are experiencing speaking up from this person’s perspective.
Imagine your unconscious mind downloading this way of being and making it your own. Then step out of her shoes and take on board this new internal image of yourself as this confident, assertive person.
As an alternative to the meditation exercise, you can simply go into situations and channel your role model’s energy.
When I need extra strength, I channel my nana, Agatha. Agatha was a strong and resilient person who Dad described as a ‘rock’. She had a difficult time of things; she lost her older son, and her husband died of cancer in his forties. But I remember her as always calm and incredibly loving. Plus she had an amazing career making beautiful clothes for the Queen.
When I need an extra boost of inner stability, resilience and calm, I channel her, imagining her strength being inside me too (and after all, I do have some of her DNA).
★ We learn by watching others. We can use confident people as our role model to help us to be more confident too.
★ Who is your role model? How can you gain inspiration from them and learn from them?