Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it!
MAYA ANGELOU
Asking for anything can be scary. It can make us feel vulnerable. Perhaps you feel as though you ‘should’ be perfect and therefore don’t need help. Perhaps the thought of a refusal seems too much like a painful rejection. Or you’re scared of what the other person will think of you.
By asking, we’re putting ourselves out there. I speak to lots of women who hate to appear vulnerable. They can’t bear the thought others might think they’re weak or don’t have their shit together.
The truth is that being vulnerable and being able to lay out your needs, wants, fears and weaknesses and ask for what you need, makes you one badass mother. Being vulnerable takes strength. And asking takes courage but can pay off big time.
The asking strategy that works is, to let yourself feel all the feelings, then take action anyway. It’s about getting used to the idea that just because you feel uncomfortable, it’s not time to retreat or run away, contrary to what the adrenaline pumping through your body is telling you.
Although it’s changing, we still live in a world where confident girls are labelled ‘bossy’ and assertively asking for what you want can mean you’re called a bitch. While it won’t happen overnight, we can all do our bit to speed up the change in our collective consciousness when it comes to confident women. It starts with supporting each other and championing each other’s success. It means not interrupting each other and learning to be inspired by strong women rather than needing to tear them down. We need to stop calling other women bitches because the word is dehumanizing. It means a female dog, after all. Is someone a ‘bitch’ because she got what you wanted? Because she has a different opinion than you? Because she had the confidence to ask and you didn’t? No. Let’s just delete this word from our lexicon. I prefer the term badass. Badass women feel the fear but ask anyway. They know their worth and what they want, and they’re prepared to get it.
Self-doubt is a big reason we’re reluctant to ask for things. ‘I often find it hard to ask for what I want, and that’s usually because my self-doubt kicks in to tell me I’m not deserving of it,’ says Suzanna, a marketing executive, aged twenty-seven. ‘I mostly struggle to ask friends for emotional support as I feel they probably don’t want to hear about my issues when they’re dealing with their own.’
If you’ve been a people pleaser or had imposter syndrome, asking for what you want can feel nails-on-a-blackboard awful. But as a human being, you deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to be paid well for your hard work and experience. You deserve to be listened to and given help as much as the next person.
Chances are, you’re happy to listen to others, so what makes you so special that only you don’t deserve that? Remember all the times that you’ve listened to and helped others, when you’ve dropped everything to go over to your heartbroken friend’s flat with prosecco and snacks. When you’ve listened intently to a friend in need. Or gone to a hospital appointment with them. Held their hair back while they vomited into the loo. Or helped them to move house. Chances are, you’ve done a lot for other people and you might find they’re delighted to offer some support in return. Most likely, people would hate the idea of you suffering alone or in silence because you were afraid to ask for help.
Asking for help from a professional is also tricky for a lot of us. Far from being selfish or self-indulgent, getting professional help if you’re struggling with your mental health or your relationship could be one of the best investments you make. You might ask yourself: ‘Who am I to spend this money on something so self-indulgent?’ But I believe that we all need help at some stage or other in our lives. If your car kept stalling, you wouldn’t hesitate to spend the money to get it fixed, would you? You might be reluctant, but you’d spend the cash rather than drive around in a car that’s about to break down. The same goes for your mind. Arguably, there’s nothing more important than our mental health, so it makes sense to get help from someone who is trained to guide you out of the pattern of mental anguish.
I would also argue, if you are struggling to keep the house clean or do your life admin or you need childcare, get help. It’s OK to ask friends and family for this. If you’re in a position to be able to afford it, it’s more than OK to pay someone to support you, whether it’s a cleaner or PA. If finances don’t permit, can you do a skill swap with a friend or come to an arrangement where you help each other out?
★ Asking for what you want can be scary – but we can feel the fear and ask anyway.
★ Asking for help is not selfish or indulgent – taking care of yourself is essential.