Just believe in yourself. Even if you don’t, pretend that you do and, at some point, you will.
VENUS WILLIAMS
I always used to agree to go to parties but, minutes before we were about to leave, I’d be overcome with an intense urge to crawl into bed and shut out the world. My wild imagination would play out a whole series of potential social embarrassments:
In my anxious state, all of the above seemed like perfectly reasonable possibilities. Then, after my boyfriend had grumpily left to go to the party without me, I’d proceed to beat myself up about wimping out. Not ideal. But I found the awkwardness of having to face new people too much to bear.
If you find social situations challenging, you’ll likely feel a strong pull to avoid them too. The problem is, the more you try to run away, the more likely fear is to chase after you and bite you in the ass. Social connection isn’t a nice-to-have, it’s a must-have. Human beings are social creatures, and we need relationships in order to feel healthy and whole. Our relationships give us a sense of belonging – and this, in turn, boosts our confidence. ‘Love and belonging’ is the third most basic need in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a model which describes what humans need the most. Only food, water, warmth and safety are more important to us!
Sadly, we’re not getting what we need: rates of loneliness are now higher in young women than any other group. Social connection is so important; it’s even thought that loneliness may reduce your life span as much as smoking or obesity.
I’m not saying you have to go to every party you get invited to – you don’t. I know it isn’t always possible to push through and make yourself go. Sometimes facing your fears can seem like too much. But you do need social interactions and relationships. You need people. So while you might just want to hang back and wait for the party or meet-up to be over, don’t do what most of us do – what I did – and that’s to make the situation much worse in our heads.
There are a few reasons why people hate parties. It could be social anxiety that’s making the thought of speaking to people about as attractive as a sick bucket. Social anxiety is a fear of being judged. It ranges from nervousness about meeting new people to finding it so scary, it feels damn near impossible to get out of there intact. Or it could be low self-esteem or your inner introvert taking charge. Maybe you are scared people won’t like you, or they’ll think you’re stupid, or you believe you were born ‘shy’ and will always be that way.
Regardless of where your fear of socializing comes from, I promise you it can change. We are all capable of feeling good around people. Learning social confidence is simply creating a personal arsenal of tools that can take you from boardroom to party to casual encounter on the street. Whether you need a serious social confidence overhaul or just want to feel more yourself with other people, these mindset shifts and practical tools will empower you so you can talk to anyone. The keys are to enjoy being you when you’re with others and to trust yourself to do your best during social interactions. And remember, your reward for taking action will be confidence.
Trust me, avoiding any social situation because of fear about how it’ll go makes things way, way worse. When you do this, whether it’s a party, after-work drinks or a coffee morning with your mum-friends, you send yourself a message: this is a dangerous situation I should steer clear of.
If you do actually go to the party or meet-up, have you ever noticed when you get there, it’s usually … drum roll … fine? Often, I’ve found it’s pretty great. These days, instead of imagining the worst, I’ve trained myself to expect the best or, at the very least, it’ll be bearable. I picture myself confidently starting conversations, listening intently, smiling and laughing and having a good time. I remind myself of all the brilliant experiences I’ve had in social situations and how, most of the time, they’ve turned out fine. This makes me go into them feeling way more confident and positive than if I was expecting the worst.
Remember too, you will not be the only one in that social situation who has had to crowbar themselves out of their bed to be there. You’re not the only one who’s feeling wobbly. Parsha, thirty-four, says no one would ever guess she lacks confidence: ‘I’m able to “play” the game very well. Nobody has any idea I’m so anxious about meeting people, both one on one and in a group. Behind closed doors, before every event, you’ll find me regretting every “yes” to an invitation. But when I get there, I’ve found it’s never as bad as I’d thought it would be. So remember, people will like you. And you might even enjoy yourself!’
Try this simple meditation to help boost your social confidence.
Get comfortable, close your eyes and take some deep breaths. With each out breath, imagine your body relaxing a little more.
Imagine it’s a few weeks or months into the future and you’re feeling more socially confident than ever before. Feel your confident posture, standing tall and with open body language. Hear the positive thoughts you’re telling yourself. Feel yourself breathing deeply and easily.
Imagine confidently introducing yourself to someone and asking them questions. Hear the clear and articulate sound of your voice, feel the words flowing easily. Notice yourself making eye contact, smiling and laughing.
Doing this sends a powerful message to your subconscious mind. It’s a mental rehearsal that will train you to feel like this in real-life situations.
Curiosity is the antidote to anxiety. When we’re lacking in confidence, it’s as though we’ve already decided how the situation will go: badly. Instead, cultivate a mindset of curiosity. Imagine you’re an explorer of life, heading out to see human beings in their natural habitat. Wonder about who you’ll meet and what will happen. Set off on a voyage of discovery about the other person. Get curious about how you’ll handle the interaction. Think of it as an adventure.
Instead of feeling you have to be interesting, work on being interested. In one study, published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, people who were curious and showed an interest in others came across as more appealing than those who didn’t, regardless of their level of social anxiety.1
The best way to be instantly curious? Use open questions starting with: ‘what’, ‘when’, ‘why’, ‘who’, ‘where’ and ‘how’. This will get the conversation flowing. But even more importantly, you need to really listen. I mean, REALLY listen. The format of most conversations is each person waiting for a turn to speak. As people don’t often get a chance to be truly heard, your full attention is a tremendous gift to give. By listening, you’ll build a much better relationship than if you’re distractedly trying to formulate your interesting reply.
I get a lot of courage from remembering that by speaking up, sharing my story and pushing through my discomfort and worry about what other people think, I can be an inspiration for someone else. The lesson behind this is, we get a lot of strength to do hard things when we remember why we’re doing them.
So, what is the reason you want to get out there and speak to people? To make friends, get new clients, build your social confidence, expand your horizons, be a good partner or to have an exciting experience? Whatever it is, remembering why you want to go to the party or work event will help to motivate you and allow you to access your inner courage. Build up a vivid image in your mind of you achieving your ‘why’. How will you feel once it’s over and it went well? What will you enjoy the most? What opportunities could it lead to?
Remember, confidence is the prize you win when you challenge yourself. What are some small steps you can take to start to grow it? Make a list of at least three challenges you can set yourself and schedule them into your diary. If this seems scary, remember how good you’ll feel afterwards. Being specific about exactly what you’ll do, or how long you’ll stay, can help this feel more manageable.
Examples might be:
‘I’ll go to the networking event and stay for half an hour.’
‘I’ll introduce myself to three new people at the engagement party.’
‘I will smile at, make eye contact with and acknowledge everyone in the meeting.’
‘I will say hello to one of the other mums in the school playground.’
I say this to all my clients. Working on being a calmer person generally will help you stay calm in social situations. If your nervous system is on high alert in your day-to-day life, going out of your comfort zone could push you into an anxious state. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself while you work on your confidence. My first book, The Anxiety Solution, is full of strategies and insights into living a calmer life, so have a read if you haven’t already. If your anxiety feels out of hand, speak to your GP and book in for some therapy.
For me, becoming calm was about making peace of mind my top priority. I’ve discovered regular meditation, nights in to recharge, and knowing when to say no are key for me. One thing I can’t stress enough is the importance of being kind to yourself as you go through this process. If you struggle with something but you give it a try anyway, that’s brave and worthy of respect. The end result isn’t what matters, it’s the willingness to try that deserves your love and compassion.
Have you ever considered you might be an introvert? It might explain why you find parties exhausting. And crowds. And even people! If you’re not sure, see if the following description fits you. It’s by Susan Cain, whose book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking set out to prove that introverts are just as happy and talented and successful as extroverts. She writes: ‘Introverts may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pyjamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.’
Introversion is different from shyness. Shyness is where you may desperately want to be with other people, but fear prevents you from feeling comfortable to do so. While extroverts draw energy from being with people, introverts find social situations draining and recharge by being alone. As an introvert myself, I know I need time to rest and recharge.
According to Susan Cain, a third to a half of the population are introverts. And in our society, the qualities of extroverts are more highly valued than introverted ones. The loud people are the ones who get listened to, become leaders and often end up running the show. But the point is, just because you’re a quieter person, it doesn’t mean what you have to say has any less value. ‘I try to remember that I am as important as the person/people to whom I’m speaking,’ says Chrissy, twenty-nine, an introvert. Your strengths as an introvert may be in thinking, reflecting, being creative and having deep conversations as opposed to small talk. Remember that even though you might not be the loudest, your voice matters too.
It’s totally possible to be a confident introvert, if you manage your energy levels and make sure you recharge alone after social time.
★ Fear shrinks when you walk towards it – so don’t avoid the things you’re afraid of.
★ In social situations, being curious and interested is much more important than trying to be interesting.
★ Visualize your future self feeling comfortable, confident and self-assured at a party, in a meeting, or on a date.
★ Working on being a calmer person generally will help you to stay calm and confident around people, so make self-care a priority.