As a kid, I thought that by the age of thirty-two I’d be adulting to the max, having life all figured out, with a house full of co-ordinated furniture and matching dinnerware. I thought I’d own my own home and have 2.5 children and a Ken doll lookalike husband. How wrong was I?! My plates and mugs are a mishmash, I’ve changed careers three times, and I’m still renting. There’s still so much I have to learn about being a grown-up. The truth is, many people in their twenties and thirties still feel they haven’t quite attained adulthood.
Have you ever walked into a room and felt like a child in an adult’s body? Or, at a dinner party, as though you’re a kid trying to talk at the grown-ups’ table? Me too! A wedding or a workplace training day used to take me right back to being a shy eight-year-old, hiding behind my dad’s corduroys.
Do a quick Google search and you’ll discover you’re not alone; ‘I feel like a child’ syndrome is a thing. People’s social media feeds detail how they feel like ‘a child in an adult’s body’ or discuss the strain of ‘adulting’ when they still, inside, feel like a teenager. Feeling inferior to other people, telling ourselves we’re not good, experienced or smart enough to engage with other people, and having a strong desire to make a fort under the table to escape the mortgage chat, may be signs you might have the syndrome too.
The truth is, we all have a child inside of us. She’ll always be there. Sometimes the childlike part of us is brilliant; helping us to play, be silly and laugh till our bellies ache. But sometimes we need to be the adult in charge.
I recently had to speak at an event when I wasn’t feeling well, and I was extremely nervous. The child part of me was raging; I wanted to make a bed on Mum’s sofa, sip warm Ribena and watch episodes of Friends while cuddling a hot-water bottle. But the adult part of me knew I had a job to do.
So I used a technique I call ‘Adulting’. I adapted it from a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis, which works with the different parts of us we all have inside, namely an adult part and a child part.
First I imagined calling on the adult part of me to give my unhappy inner child part a big hug. Then I allowed the child part to step back, and the adult part to step forward. I thought through all the details of the adult part of me; the way she looks, dresses, speaks and acts. I imagined her saying, ‘I’ve got this,’ or, ‘I’ll take this from here!’
Finally, I began to act from the adult part of myself. I reminded myself of all the reasons I was, indeed, a competent and capable adult. Knowing that my adult self was now in charge gave me the strength to do the event. The next time you feel scared and overwhelmed, try calling on your inner adult part to comfort your inner child, too.
Recently I was invited to a wedding where I knew only the bride and groom. And, since Aidan was abroad for the week, I had to go alone. As I’ve had my fair share of standing alone at parties, feeling hideously awkward and too shy to approach anyone, nose in my phone, desperately swigging prosecco, a wedding alone was basically my nightmare.
But this party, I decided, would be different. I was going to be an adult. And what would an adult do? Introduce herself to lots of people, of course. It helped that I already knew 40 per cent of people report themselves to be ‘shy’. When you say hello to a stranger, there’s a good chance they feel a bit nervous or awkward too – or can at least relate to that feeling.
I walked into the foyer of the town hall to find groups of people happily chatting and quaffing champagne. I had the old thought, ‘Everyone already knows each other,’ and the all-too-familiar urge to run away and hide in the loos. But I pushed it aside and (seemingly) confidently stuck my hand out to introduce myself to literally the nearest person, a man in his forties. I felt reassured when he looked relieved and the conversation flowed – in fact, he soon admitted he’d felt nervous and was glad I’d come to say hi!
These days, I make a point of being the one who approaches other people, assuming they might be a bit nervous too. So far, it’s never failed. Making the first move puts you in control. It means no more waiting and hoping someone will speak to you. And as you take action, you prove to yourself you can be a confident person; you step into that role … and then you become it.
No one wants to do the hard work of actually getting out there and just … doing … it. We love the idea that we can magically shift our mindset and be cured of any social nerves. But the reality is, mindset will only take you so far. By far the best thing you can do to grow your social confidence is to get out there and be around people. Again, it comes down to retraining your nervous system. Once you teach it you can handle the discomfort, before long, meeting new people will feel like second nature.
★ If there are times when you still feel like a child or a teenager, imagine the adult part of you taking over and saying, ‘I’ve got this!’
★ Make the first move and be the one to approach others first; it helps you feel more in control – and most people will be grateful when you do this.
★ Taking action is the fastest way to grow your confidence.