If you’ve ever found yourself wanting to bolt or your mind going blank when you’re with a group of people, this section is for you. The reason for these symptoms is, you’re in survival mode, fight or flight. In your brain, blood flow has moved away from the frontal cortex, the rational, clear-thinking part, and towards the muscles to help you run or fight. It’s no wonder you can end up lost for words, blank or frozen.
Because it’s harder to think clearly in those moments, there is no shame whatsoever in doing a bit of conversational pre-planning. Take a few moments to think about possible subjects or questions, for the times your rational mind inconveniently goes AWOL on you during a conversation. It could be a recent holiday you went on, your plans for Christmas or just asking, ‘What have you been up to?’.
In her book Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, human behaviour investigator Vanessa Van Edwards shares examples of conversation starters which go deeper and flow better than the standard ‘what do you do?’ question so many of us dread. Keep these questions in the front of your mind before heading out to meet new people.
She suggests questions such as:
I was once terrified of any kind of networking including, as you already know, parties where there would be anyone I didn’t know. If I went, I’d need to be thoroughly tipsy (read: drunk) before I’d attempt any kind of introduction. But my boyfriend, who used to work in sales and seems to have zero fear of stranger chat (those things may be linked) taught me a shockingly basic but highly effective formula for starting a conversation with anyone.
And it is … ‘Hello, my name is Chloe.’ It’s not rocket science, but once I learned this was all I needed to start a conversation, it became loads easier. Once you’ve told them your name, they tell you theirs, and you can follow up with another question. Now, you’re basically best friends.
Another sure-fire conversation starter is to give the other person a sincere compliment. If you like the look of someone and want to find an excuse to say hello, let them know you love their shoes or ask them where they got their balayage done. You can then introduce yourself … and the conversation will go from there. Obviously, make sure it’s a real compliment; nothing fake here, please!
★ If you’re worried your mind will go blank, prepare some questions in advance.
★ ‘Hello, my name is …’ are the four magic words to start any conversation.