CHAPTER 41

Name and tame your emotions

I used to find emotions very confusing. I knew I felt ‘bad’ but I couldn’t pin down exactly what was up. I didn’t have the vocabulary or understanding about all our various emotions to be able to identify what I was actually feeling. And as psychologist Susan David, author of Emotional Agility explains, the result of not being able to do this leaves people confused and stuck in whatever unpleasant emotion is happening. David says that ‘labelling emotions is fundamental to our ability to be able to thrive’.

Neuroscience supports this approach. Studies have found that putting feelings into words helps us to manage them by calming down the stress response.1 In short, when we name the emotion, we tame it. As a result, we feel more resourceful and we grow our resilience toolkit.

David’s strategy to help you get to know your emotions is this: for each feeling you think you’re experiencing, try to think of two other emotions that more accurately describe your state. For example, you may think you’re ‘stressed’. But this isn’t an accurate enough word because ‘stressed’ is a blanket term we use to describe a range of emotions. Could what you’re feeling, in fact, be hurt or angry or helpless? Or all three?

When I tried this out, after an argument with Aidan, at first glance I described myself as ‘anxious’. But when I looked more closely, what I was actually feeling was rejected. I also noticed some sadness and under that, inadequacy. There was a real difference between what I’d first thought I was feeling and what was actually going on. And unless we know exactly what it is we’re feeling, it’s hard to take the right action to help ourselves.

The Feelings Wheel

The Feelings Wheel lists the range of different emotions that we can experience. The more generic emotion words you might use are in the centre. As you work outwards, it helps you pinpoint and label exactly the emotion(s) you’re feeling. Think you feel sad? Use the wheel and you may realize you actually feel isolated. Assume you’re angry? Your underlying emotion may be hurt.

Another way to name and tame is to talk to someone or write about how you’re feeling. Or you can try ‘noticing’. This means saying to yourself, ‘I’m noticing that I am feeling rejected.’ It’s another way to label our emotions and it also helps us step back from them. Noticing creates space between us and the emotion; we’re able to observe it rather than getting pulled into it. As a result, we may be more able to take positive action to help ourselves.

Exercise: notice how you’re feeling

Find two specific words from the outer edges of the Feelings Wheel that describe what you’re feeling right now. Say to yourself ‘I am noticing that I am feeling … and …’

Summary

★  We often label our emotions inaccurately, meaning that we respond in the wrong way.

★  Labelling emotions helps us feel calmer and more resourceful, so try to be as specific as possible.