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A month passed. During the time, not only did I not talk to Kira, I also did not call or accept any calls from Carson. I had to have sex with Zo one more time before I had sex with Carson again. Carson’s words confused me, more than they ever had before. My feelings were all over the place. I knew when I saw him again, I had to explain to him, and not get caught up in his beautiful, breathy voice or his lovemaking, that he was one of my lovers and that’s all he’d ever be.
It was finally time to talk to Kira, reveal all the things I had been keeping from her and see exactly what she had to say. I wasn’t scared anymore. I was confused and I needed her to help shed some light.
The day Zo had said he would be back was a Friday. I was loving my new job, easing into it a bit more comfortably. The kids in my class had done very well on their tests and we had a pizza party. So I was in a good mood. I knew I had to talk to Kira, but I was really hoping our conversation didn’t ruin it. As I straightened up the house, putting things where they belong, I hum to myself. A few items, some notepads and markers that were left out the last time I had graded papers. I put them in my desk drawer. When I opened the drawer, I gazed down at the last birthday card I had gotten from my parents. It was almost October again.
I should call my mom.
I grabbed my phone off the coffee table and called my mother as I sat down on the sofa. The phone rang a few times and then went to voicemail.
“Hey, Mom, hope everything’s great. Thanks for the car. I uh... I got a job at an elementary school. I guess... call me back.” I waited for a moment before I ended the call. I don’t know what I was waiting for. I sniffed the air as I sat the phone on my lap, staring straight ahead.
I wonder what I was feeling. It didn’t seem like anything exactly, more like absolutely nothing, like hollowness that didn’t have a way to be explained. My phone buzzed.
Zo: I’ll be there in a few hours. Handling some things.
It was a text from Zo.
Okay. Now to call Kira. I sighed and did as I had said.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Hey.” I smiled.
“Oh, hello, strange person who I used to be roommates with.”
“Kira,” I whined.
“You disappeared. Where’ve you been?”
“You know, the new job and stuff...”
“I didn’t realize that once you moved out and got ‘the new job’ we weren’t going to be friends anymore.”
“We’re still friends. I’ve just been busy.”
“Busy, huh?”
“Yes. I... I’ve got plans later on today, but would you maybe want to come over now and hangout for a while?”
“Y—yeah. I could do that. Be there in about ten-fifteen minutes.”
“Okay. See you soon.” As the call ended and placed my phone on the sofa cushion next to me, I let out a nervous sigh. I didn’t move from where I sat.
I know she’s going to have lots to say but... I’m prepared. I know what I want... I think. I thought, a fleeting memory of Carson filling my body with that cringing feeling of how much I missed him. I pushed it down, closing my eyes and shaking it off.
I also wanted to tell her that I was complete, I had found everyone I was looking for. If I convinced her the hollow, unsatisfied feeling inside of me was nothing more than idiosyncrasies that didn’t need tending to—i.e., a nympho is never satisfied, then I’d feel more comfortable accepting it, also. After all, in my mind, it was the truth.
A knock came at the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. I knew it was Kira. I was in my room flat ironing my hair, with my trusty copper plated straightener, making sure not a wave was in it. I had put on my makeup just before, so all had to do was leave when Zo got there.
I set the straightener down on its base, unplugged it and headed to opening the door. I stopped to grab my phone off the kitchen counter and checked the time as I walked over to the door and let her in.
“Hey,” she said with an unamused smirk as she stood in the doorway.
“Hi.” I smiled as usual, as if I didn’t note the suspicion in her stare or the smirk. I moved behind the opened door to let her in. She walked right past me into the living room and sat down on the sofa.
I stared at her from the door and gulped as I closed it. I inhaled slowly taking in as much breath as I could.
Okay here it goes. After releasing that large breath, I strolled over to the sofa, sat my phone on the coffee table and sat by her. That playfully mocking almost-smile made me more comfortable.
“So, I did it,” I said, vaguely, letting my fingers trail the hem of the sofa cushion cover.
“Did what?” She lowered her eyes suspiciously.
“I found the guy that was better than Carson.”
“Did you now?” she said, patronizingly.
“Sure did.” I smiled nervously. Well this is getting off to a cringy start.
“Okay. When do I meet him?”
“Yep. No more randoms. Just Carson, Owen, Sawyer and now...” I gulped. “Zo.” I said, suspiciously gating her response.
“Oh, I’m dying to hear this explanation,” she said condescendingly. “Where’d you find him? I assume since you’re avoiding the question, he’s an asshole and you don’t plan on me meeting him and that’s where you’ve been, hiding him from me because you know I’m not going to like him.”
“No... not exactly. I was just making double sure he was the right guy,” I said, jumping to my defense as I squeezed the arm of the couch. “I know I’m a dirty girl. I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted that no decent guy would want someone with as many miles on them as me. So I found someone who could balance things out for me.”
“There you go again.” She sighed hopelessly, resting her arm on the back of the sofa.
I narrowed my eyes at her and continued, “With that said, the shit I want guys to do to me doesn’t seem to me like something one man could handle. Four might be able to. I have a good variety. Owen is sexy and kind. Carson is dreamy and makes me feel like a princess—sometimes girls want that. But I’m not a princess. Sawyer is just as dirty as me and worships the ground I walk on and Zo...” I can’t help but smile and ball my fists up pressing them into my thighs with so much girlish gush, “He is dominant. and he takes control. and he talks to me like the dirty slut I am. And his sexuality seems boundless.”
“Hmm.” She glanced away thoughtfully, then put her eyes back on me. “And there’s no thought in the back of your mind that maybe it’s possible that one guy could be sexy, kind, dreamy, treat you like a princess, worship the ground you walk on, but still treat you like the dirty slut you imagine yourself to be?” She smirked, wiggling her eyebrows. I couldn’t help return her smile as my cheeks grew hot. “Someone who could take control and explore your sexuality together?”
My smile faded into a frown and as soon as she said that, my first thoughts were of Carson, but they quickly evaporated into nothingness, “Maybe at some point, I hoped it was possible.”
“And there’s no part of you that hopes that anymore?”
I couldn’t answer that question. That was too hard to think about. Who would want to give into false hope? So I lowered my eyes, and pouted lips with no intent on answering her. I simply lifted my eyes to meet her gaze, quietly.
She smiled in a motherly way and tilted her head with an affectionate sigh. “So, this guy, Zo? Tell me about him,” she said, leaning back on my sofa. “How many times have you fucked this guy?”
“Well the first time was in his car.”
“The first time?”
“The first night we met.” I smirked, proudly.
“I've never met such a dirty teacher. Do your sixth graders' parents know how much of a slut you are?” She raised her eyebrows with a playful sneer.
“I keep my personal life separate from my work life. I love kids, actually. I didn’t know what to expect when I first started. I student-taught in a third-grade class classroom—completely different than sixth graders. It’s so sweet how their minds are so innocent and uncorrupted. By the time they get to sixth grade, though, they’re little shits. Still, if anything, I'm trying to help them not turn out like me.
“What do you mean?” Kira asked, her eyebrows lowering.
“I mean, I didn’t have any feelings toward my teacher. I didn’t have a social life. I don’t want these kids to have to go through that type of solitude or isolation.”
“That’s actually insightful.”
“Yeah. We have a test coming up and I gave a suggestion to the lead teacher and she actually used it. She’s nothing like the lady at Wyatt elementary. This teacher actually wants to help her students. She lets me do the lesson plans now, every other week and the class has really improved. The kids actually talk to us.”
“Oh. I’m glad you’re taking this seriously. What kind of things did you put on the lesson plan?”
“When I first got there things were a little bland so I made some minor adjustments. When we have our group projects, those are like my favorite time, they do so much stupid shit and try to get away with it, but they’re having fun with their friends and learning with their peers. So instead of trying to get them to stop, I have them have debates about the project. Apparently kids love to argue.” I giggled. “Plus, if I offer an incentive, almost everyone does well on the assignments.”
“Wow,” she said, the surprised expression on her face, had a bit of a proud look to it. “I didn’t know you actually gave a shit about your job. You never talk about it. Not that you ever talked about school either, but you did great there too. Honestly, I thought the only thing you had stock in was dick.”
I giggled, shifting the cushion behind me. “So, anyway, back to Zo—”
She cut me off, “Why am I just now hearing about him if you weren’t trying to keep him from me?”
“Because I wasn't sure—I'm still not sure how I feel about him. He's different from other guys. It’s not that I think you won’t like him, he’s just more intense and sometimes you’re a little overprotective.”
“I see.” She paused. “So how'd you guys meet?”
“We met at this lame frat party back in college.”
“You say it like you didn’t just graduate in May.”
“It seems like a long time ago.”
“Whatever. So he went to school with us?”
“He was just at the party with some friends. He works in stocks? Whatever that is. I didn’t ask if he was from here, but he has two apartments and he said if I ever wanted to get away on the weekend, he’d take me there.” I grinned.
“Oh, he must be successful then,” Kira said, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Honestly, I don't know. We've only talked about things other than sex a few times, but it still led to sex.”
“He must be good at what he does. You sound happy. Would you say he tamed you?” Kira grinned widely.
“I'm a freak. I can’t be tamed. You know this.”
Kira rolled her eyes.
I went on to tell the story of how Zo and I met, When the story was going slow, she would interrupt. I had to be careful with my words. She watched me suspiciously the whole time.