Whenever he enters my thoughts, I give in and my ADHD helps me zone out entirely from wherever I am and straight into his bed, over a kitchen counter, wherever. A thought of him, holding my neck tightly while I climax with his fingers deep in me – it might occur at the dentist’s office, while I wait for my child to get her teeth checked.

In my mind he has a name, inspired by an emotion that cannot entirely be explained in one word. It’s a box of feelings he carries to me in his veiny hands every time he and I come together. In front of him, I don’t ever feel ‘naked’ – I feel liberated, alive. He is a good listener, better than my husband. After we confide our deepest desires to each other, we feel closer than ever before and it is almost as if I see how opening up to our vulnerabilities lets our fluids in. We lean in, we lick each other’s faces, body parts, and cuddle like two cats, wet and comfortable. Our mouths stop moving but the talk between us never stops. It switches from portal to portal, begins with my voice and ends with his touch. I lose my boundaries. When he tells me to grab his cock and hold it tightly while he licks my face, I lose my pre-built status and drop the motherhood chains. Whenever I decide not to listen to what he wants, he asks me to do something else; and when he sees I don’t want something, he does precisely what he knows I like. He puts his fingers deep inside me, holds my neck, speaks to me kindly through the warmth of his breath and tells me only truths. I already know that I don’t have the nicest smile in the world – my teeth are small, my gums are high, but he licks both while telling me that my flaws turn him on. When he speaks these truths to me I hear it differently than from my own voice. While I climax, and I always do during this part, he holds me tighter and closer to himself and my fingers run through his short hair. Then he lies next to me, tells me how lovely that was, asks nothing of me. That turns me on, him asking nothing of me, just holding me as I rest and regain strength. Every orgasm with him drains me, I feel light and lifted. I feel like a different person, one who doesn’t have her day on repeat, waking up early, preparing my kid for school and going to work. Filling the fridge, cleaning the house. Walking the dog, paying the rent. I feel released … awakened. His smells trigger me in ways I would never be triggered. I always ask him not to wash before we meet, because his smells make me come faster. Me … who always asked men before him to take a shower. He smells like my fingers after they’ve been in my own pussy, naughty and comforting. I reach for his cock and I talk to it gently, with a slight smile, and by allowing me, he lets me know that he likes it. I tell his dick how important it is to me and how for many days after we meet I feel full. His cock grows erect and I take him into my mouth, deep and slow. I go all the way, I know I can with him and that feels so safe. I spit on him and talk to him gently, I caress him and pet him, grasp it tightly and enjoy the life that fills it. Everything is slippery and I love it.

He ejaculates and I don’t care: I am full, satisfied and I love him purely without any expectations. Liberated. I come near his face, meet his eyes and give him a wet, smelly kiss on a cheek.

The dentist calls me in, the check-up is finished. He praises me for my child’s clean teeth and I tell him I am doing my best.

Serbian • Atheist • Between £29,000 and £49,000 • Heterosexual • Married/in a civil partnership • Yes