The majority of polyamorous people going through a breakup have at least one other partner, and this can be very comforting and supportive during this hellish time. However, it can also be very difficult, because other relationships require your energy and attention at a time when you are at your worst. When you have multiple partners, and one of them leaves you, you still have the responsibility to maintain and sustain the remaining relationship(s). This can be extremely challenging, because it is very difficult to mourn the ending of a relationship and at the same time remain present and available for your remaining partner or partners.
Lennie says, “In my past, I was in a monogamous relationship living with Jessica, and when she dumped me, I went to work on autopilot and somehow managed to avoid getting fired. I went from work to a sports bar every night and drank beer and watched football. I didn’t talk to anyone and didn’t have any responsibility towards anyone. But this time, I was in a poly relationship living with Angelica, and had been dating Stacy for two years. Stacy had been expressing some dissatisfaction about our relationship because she wanted to live together. Suddenly she broke up with me. It seemed like it was out of nowhere, but in retrospect I can see she was gradually deciding she wanted a relationship where she could live with someone and be the alpha female. I was in a state of shock, and on top of that, I had no idea how to go through a poly breakup. I tried talking to Angelica about it, but she really didn’t want to console me every night about how much I missed Stacy, and yeah, I get that. I couldn’t go to the sports bar and drink every night, because my partner expected and deserved my time and attention. I was completely unavailable for a relationship, as I was obsessed with, ‘what did I do wrong and how could I fix things with Stacy.’ I was so irrational that I even wondered if I should leave Angelica and offer to move in with Stacy, even though I knew that made no sense and would never work.”
It often creates hurt, anger, and insecurity for a remaining partner to see just how upset their partner is about losing another partner. A common response from the existing partner is “What am I, chopped liver?” It is shocking to see a partner totally falling apart and be devastated by the departure of the other partner. The message that the remaining partner may believe they are receiving is that the other relationship was much more important than they are, even though that is usually not true. When you have just experienced a painful loss, you are focused on that other partner because you are trying to process your grief and get over it. The intensity of that pain can activate the remaining partner’s insecurities about themselves and the relationship. They may suspect that you don’t love them or want them, because you are experiencing so much longing for the other person, who is no longer available. And because you are probably talking incessantly about the breakup, the remaining partner may feel like you are so preoccupied with the other person’s departure that you are completely uninterested in them.
One long-suffering partner reports feeling like “I’m still here, so why aren’t you happy with me?” Another says, “I’ve been so loyal and stood by you through all the shenanigans with your girlfriend! I hung in there through the NRE stage when you neglected me, while spending our joint money buying her flowers and taking her on romantic dates. I stayed with you through the ups and downs with this chick for over five years. I held your hand through her breaking up with you and getting back together three times. And now she ends it for good, and you’ve spent the last four months crying over her and trying to win her back, and totally ignoring my existence.”
When going through a breakup you are often in no condition to actually connect with your remaining partner, because you feel so depressed and confused over losing the other partner. As a result, you are inadvertently creating the impression that this other lover was much more important to you than you let on while the relationship existed.
Luigi tried to be what he calls “a good poly role model” by supporting Sylvia through a bruising breakup with her girlfriend, Elsa. He cooked her favorite meals, took her out for a spa day with a massage and a manicure, and tried to be endlessly sympathetic to her tales of woe about “the girl who got away.” After a few months of this, he acknowledged that it was starting to become tedious, saying he felt more like her therapist than her lover. Then Sylvia forgot to show up at his birthday party because she was having what she described as “major dyke drama,” processing over the phone with Elsa about their breakup. He felt so hurt that he worried that maybe she had lied about her relationship with Elsa being secondary, and accused her of loving Elsa more than him. “If you want her so badly, and I’m so unimportant, maybe we should split up.”
This was the wake-up call that shocked Sylvia out of what she calls “my narcissistic wallow.” She says, “Suddenly I realized that if I didn’t get my head out of my ass, I was going to lose Luigi. I was so in love with him, but I had been taking him for granted to some extent because I was so blown out of the water by Elsa leaving me. She was the first woman I had ever been involved with, and loving a woman was such an incredible experience that I didn’t know if I could recover from losing her. I was horrified that my self-centered behavior was hurting Luigi, and that snapped me back into reality and to fully participating in my relationship with him again.”
Brigit had two committed relationships, and reports a similar experience. Because she had been with Jason for 10 years, and Brian for six years, Brian felt that Jason “had seniority” and was more important, even though Brigit was deeply in love with both partners. She says, “Brian broke up with me because he never felt equal and wanted me to somehow prove he was just as important as Jason, and no matter what I did, it was never enough. We all lived together as a triad, we had joint bank accounts and credit cards, all our names were on the lease for the apartment, we owned cars together. I went on a vacation with both of them together once a year, and took short trips with each of them separately every year.”
She was shocked and distraught over Brian leaving her, and kept thinking he would change his mind. He got his own apartment and would barely talk to her. She was pleading to see him and have some kind of friendship with him. He was very withdrawn, and this sent her into a spiral of sadness and self-doubt. She lost confidence in herself and her ability to have healthy relationships, and her self-esteem plummeted. She says, “Jason tried to be supportive, but my desperation and self-hatred were not exactly attractive, and certainly did not inspire romantic feelings on his part. Luckily, his long-term girlfriend, Tamara, lived nearby, and she was really giving him a lot of love and attention and support. Ironically, it was the first time I really experienced true compersion, probably because it was so obvious that I was benefiting from her relationship with Jason. She was essentially doing my job, as well as her own, in this relationship, and I was truly grateful to her because she was literally keeping my relationship with Jason afloat. She would even send healthy casseroles and fresh salads home with him since I was incapable of cooking or even shopping for food. If it wasn’t for Tamara meeting all of Jason’s relationship needs during that hellish several months, I probably would have lost him, too, since I was really not capable of being a good relationship partner. In fact, because they were spending so much time together, their relationship intensified in a very positive way. Once the worst of my breakup blues was over and I felt recovered, we asked Tamara to move in with us, and we have all been pretty happy since then. I still regret losing Brian, but now he is involved in a monogamous relationship, which I can see is making him happy, and he and I have finally been able to become friends.”
Reginald explains that he found it too overwhelming to manage the ongoing demands of his wife, Jezanna, at the same time as he was reeling from losing his lover, Rupert. Rupert ended their four-year relationship because he married his other partner, Benjamin, and they decided to become monogamous. “I tried to be there for Jezanna because she had always been insecure about my bisexuality, and my relationship with Rupert tapped into her fears that I was really gay,” Reginald says. “But as much as I tried to reassure her of my love and commitment, I was feeling so depleted by the breakup that I had very little to give her. She could tell I was distant and distracted, and she needed even more of my time and attention than usual, right at the time my gas tank was totally empty. So, not only was I in mourning over a lost love, on top of that I had a resentful, hurt wife demanding proof of my devotion to her.”
Reginald joined a support group for poly men, which helped him talk through his grief and sadness. He started working out at the gym because he knew it would help him manage his anxiety and stop obsessing over Rupert. He felt more stable and started to feel more energized. He encouraged Jezanna to get support from their poly friends, which helped her feel more secure about their relationship. He was gradually able to give Jezanna more attention and love, and she started to relax and feel safer, saying “You’re back to your old self again!”
There is sometimes another “poly wrinkle” when a primary relationship ends, and an outside or secondary relationship still exists. Often the secondary partner is initially thrilled because they now believe they will have the opportunity to develop a primary relationship with their partner. However, they are often quite disappointed that their suddenly available partner is not really available for that, and in fact is so depressed and unstable that they can barely provide the same amount of time and commitment they were giving to them before the breakup.
After Brent and Sampa split up, Brent and Giara continued in a loving sexual and romantic relationship. However, they both knew that their relationship worked best as what she called “a somewhat-secondary thing.” They were not really compatible as primary partners or living together, as they had very different values and life plans. Giara was 10 years younger than Brent, and wanted to settle down and raise a family, which was not on Brent’s agenda at all. He enjoyed the freedom of being “single,” while having sex and companionship. He gave Giara his blessing to keep looking for a husband, and even introduced her to a few of his younger male friends who had expressed a strong desire to have children. Brent expressed a lot of gratitude to Giara for giving him so much love and support to get through what he called “the worst year of my life,” and he was committed to helping her find happiness in her life. He told her, “I know I’m not Mr. Right, for you, I’m just Mr. Right Now, but that’s okay, since you can date me and still look for him.” A few years later, she found “the love of her life,” and got married. Her husband wanted monogamy while they were getting pregnant and during the first years of childrearing, so she and Brent split up as lovers, but remained close friends.
Brent and Giara’s story had a happy ending, even though they did not end up together as a couple. This is because when Brent and Sampa broke up, he resisted the temptation to “replace” her with Giara as his primary partner. Both Brent and Giara knew that this would end in disaster, as they had such different needs, especially around having children.
Many such tales do not end well, because when a primary relationship ends, there is a tendency to assume that any secondary relationship should now become primary. This may work if a partner were designated as secondary only because the original couple had chosen the primary/secondary model of polyamory, and there is a high level of compatibility between these two people on most key relationship issues. Allowing a secondary relationship to evolve into a primary relationship usually requires being strongly aligned sexually, emotionally, intellectually, domestically, financially, and socially.
Unfortunately, many people fail to consider whether they are well-matched in these important arenas before deciding to shift to a much higher level of commitment, such as moving in together, getting married, or becoming pregnant. The fatal flaw is assuming that your track record of success in this secondary relationship is a strong predictor of its future success as a primary relationship. The structure, demands, and expectations in a primary relationship are much different. Many people are blissfully happy spending one night a week with their smart, amazing lover, and having the occasional weekend trip with them. Or they love the intense intellectual connection or emotional intimacy they share. Perhaps they very successfully work together as friends and lovers, for a political cause, or they are in a band together. But they are often quite distressed to discover serious problems crop up when they start spending more time together, or try to share living space or a bank account.
Amelia explains, “When Dennison and I were living together, we were great roommates, had similar values about work and money, and both kept the house at the same level of cleanliness. We really enjoyed each other’s company and had an intense emotional connection. Unfortunately, we never had great chemistry, and our sex life was pretty routine and infrequent. We thought being poly would rescue our sex life, but instead we both fell in love with our outside lovers because we had such great sex with them. We had an amicable breakup, because our relationship had become pretty platonic, so neither of us was crushed by admitting we were no longer in love. However, we both made the mistake of moving in with our respective lovers almost immediately, and within six months both of those relationships imploded. We were blindsided and terribly embarrassed that we were both having another breakup! Upon further reflection, we had to admit that all those other relationships had going was sex, romance, and a few shared activities like tennis and dancing. In fact, each of us had little else in common with our partner and we were incompatible to live together because we did not have a lot of shared values and life goals. Ironically, while Dennison and I were together as a couple, all those basic needs of companionship and compatibility were being met at home, and the outside relationships could happily get by on just sex and fun. Once we split up, we needed more from them, and those relationships just couldn’t provide it.”
Many secondary relationships are initially defined this way because at least one of the people in the relationship already has a primary relationship. As a result, one or both people in that relationship may assume that the secondary label is just situational, rather than being based on any assessment of how compatible these two people would be for a life partnership.
Candice says, “When I got involved with Penny, she knew that Beatriz was my life partner.” As Penny puts it, “I knew that slot was filled, and the only position available was as a very part-time lover. I was really looking for a wife, and I thought Candice would be perfect for me if she was not already living with someone. But when Beatriz moved to Detroit to go to medical school, Candice couldn’t find a job there, so she stayed in Chicago, where she already had a good job. After a year, the stress of a long-distance relationship on top of medical school took its toll, and they split up.”
Penny thought Candice was now available as a full-time partner, and proposed marriage. Candice was distraught over the breakup with Beatriz, and was certainly not ready to jump into marriage with anyone. And she did not feel that she and Penny had enough compatibility or similar enough lifestyles to live together. For Candice, her priorities were working hard, making a good income, and saving for retirement. But Penny worked at a low-wage job and spent all her earnings on nice clothes and vacations, which were much more satisfying and valuable to her than financial security. In addition, Penny was very politically active in left-wing LGBT organizations, while Candice felt these groups were much too aggressive and “in your face,” and favored assimilating into the larger straight, mainstream community. Candice felt convinced that these differences were manageable in a secondary relationship, but would become deal-breakers if they moved in together and tried to have a life together. Penny was crushed by what she experienced as a complete rejection, saying, “So I’m good enough for sex and having a good time, but I’m not good enough for a real relationship?” Often, a relationship is designated as secondary for a good reason, which usually means there is at least one area of incompatibility that would make a primary relationship difficult to sustain.
Sandra says, “Be careful what you wish for! I always thought I would be in heaven if Aja and Ruth divorced! Their marriage always got priority. And even though Aja always assured me that he loved me just as much, he lived with her and their marriage prevented me from having a more committed relationship with him. So when they split up, I thought he would move in with me full-time, and we could get married. However, he was totally paralyzed over the divorce, obsessing about how their marriage had failed, going over everything that happened and trying to figure out what he could have done differently to save his marriage. Since she had moved out, he clung to the house as the only remaining security and continuity in his life, and did not want to move in with me. He needed a lot of time to himself, and when we did have dates, he was just a mess and could not really give me his full attention. I had to remind him to eat meals and take showers. And he was constantly on the phone with Ruth bickering over the divorce and trying to reach a financial settlement. Of course Ruth blamed me for somehow wrecking their marriage even though they were poly long before he met me, and she also had a boyfriend. To put it mildly, the romantic bliss I had expected when they divorced did not materialize.”
Sitting down and honestly talking to your partner can go a long way towards making them an ally in the healing process. Explain to them that you are doing your best to struggle through this breakup with your other partner. Be frank about the fact that you are not at your best right now, and that for a while a least, you are unable to be emotionally available enough to meet their needs. Thank them for their love, patience, and support during this very painful time, and reassure them that you will find your way through it as quickly as possible. Remind them that you both share the same goal: for life to get back to normal as soon as humanly possible, and that with their help, you will get there sooner. Ask them how they feel about the situation, and try not to be defensive if they seem critical or express frustrations with you. Listening to their feelings and concerns right now is very important, even if you feel you have little energy to try to do better at the moment. You are not promising any spectacular changes, just hearing what they’re going through right now and validating their feelings. Many people in their situation report feeling ignored and neglected while a partner is depressed and distracted with a breakup, so being as good of a listener as possible right now can really make your partner feel loved and understood. Ask them whether they need anything specific from you, even if you are not sure you can provide it right now.
Shizuko was flattened by her breakup with Manny, even though she was the one who broke up with him after he relapsed into opiate addiction and lost his job as a result. She felt overwhelmed by her job, house, her partner, Ron, and helping to care for her elderly father, who had recently had a stroke. She felt that for the time being, she could not keep up with everything. She felt panicked about disappointing Ron, slacking off work, or letting everyone down.
She considered temporarily cutting back on her work hours as a bartender and taking a cut in pay, to relieve the pressure and to give her more time and energy to manage everything else. However, she was afraid Ron would be angry that she was not pulling her weight financially, so she asked him to share his personal hierarchy of what was most important to him. “If I only work 30 hours a week instead of 40, I’ll have more time and energy for our relationship, be able to keep up with the housework and cooking, and continue helping Mom with my father every weekend,” she said. “Would you be upset if I don’t work full-time for the next couple of months?” Ron said they were doing okay financially, so it was fine for her to work less, and that her being able to be more present in their relationship was much more important to him. “We can get by on less money for a while, but I don’t think I can survive feeling ignored and alone for much longer while you hide in the spare bedroom playing video games and crying all night. And maybe you could ask one of your brothers to help take care of your dad for one weekend this month, so we can get out of town,” he said.
Shizuko was relieved that Ron was fine with her working less, and suddenly everything seemed a lot more manageable. Her brother helped with her father’s care, and she and Ron drove up north for a weekend of wine tasting, art galleries, and lots of sex at a secluded cottage. Ron was thrilled that she was smiling again and really connecting with him. There was an additional perk to her working less—because she worked at the bar until 2 AM three nights a week, working one less shift meant they had an extra evening together every week. They started going out to movies and to see bands more often, and they had sex more often because she was home in the evening more.
Erik felt so numb and sad after Jocelyn broke up with him that he withdrew from his wife, Rosalie. The more Rosalie pleaded with him for affection and lovemaking, the more pressured he felt. He explained that it was really difficult for him have sex right now, because it required more emotional intimacy than he could handle while feeling so rotten about himself. Rosalie said she could live without sex for a while, but “I’m going to shrivel up and die if you won’t hold me and give me some affection.” As soon as the expectation of sex was removed from the equation, Erik felt much more able to cuddle in bed with her, kissing her and sometimes stroking her breasts and gently undressing her. She was thrilled, saying “This is so romantic! It’s like when we were first dating!” A few times he got sad and weepy and needed to withdraw, but most nights they were loving and affectionate, and before long they were able to have sex again pretty frequently.
The take home message is to communicate more rather than less when you are going through a painful poly breakup. Many people have expressed reluctance to talk to their remaining partner about what they are going through out of fear that they won’t be capable of providing what their partner needs from them or fear that they will feel even worse for having “failed” their partner. Or they fear asking their partner to share their experience and feelings about the breakup, because this seems like giving their partner an open invitation to criticize or yell at them. It’s certainly true that these conversations can be awkward and painful. However, most people report relief that both parties have gotten their feelings, resentments, and fears out in the open, and this usually leads to feeling closer and more emotionally connected again. Often, some simple but useful problem solving ideas come out of the discussion, which can make both partners feel much better.