Another key cause of breakups in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships is money. This includes a diverse group of issues, from having different values about making or spending money, to tensions about who is earning more money. There may be conflict about whether a partner is working hard enough or contributing enough financially to the household, different beliefs about how to manage money, when to be frugal and when to spend more freely, or tension due to being broke or in debt.
These issues are often further complicated when one partner is from a different social and economic class than their spouse, and they have been raised with very different financial realities. Ironically, not having enough money is the least likely money issue to doom a relationship. Lack of money will usually only lead to breaking up if each partner has very different beliefs about money and if they have differing approaches to solving their financial problems. For most couples that break up due to money, it is because of different values and beliefs about money or different approaches to managing money.
Poly couples have all of the same problems and issues related to money that plague monogamous couples. However, in poly relationships, these problems usually have more complex and sometimes even more disastrous manifestations.
Often, pre-existing incompatibilities about money will be aggravated by a poly situation, and a financial issue related to polyamory will become the “last straw” that causes a break up. For instance, Jean and her wife, Penelope, had been fighting for years over their different approaches to their finances. However, their conflicts over outside lovers highlighted their differences in how they viewed work and money, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for their relationship. Jean worked full-time and made most of the money in the family. Penelope worked part-time because she was an aspiring sculptor, and wanted to spend most of her time making art. Jean had always had some resentment about her role as the primary breadwinner, while Penelope spent most of her wages on renting an art studio and buying expensive materials for sculpting. When Penelope started a new relationship, she cut her work hours even more, so she could spend time with her new girlfriend. Jean criticized Penelope for not contributing her fair share, and demanded she prioritize working more hours. Their arguments escalated until Jean insisted that Penelope break off the outside relationship. Penelope refused, and moved out.
Ongoing conflicts over one person working more hours or bringing more money into the household are often exacerbated by the arrival of a new lover. For Kevin, there was simmering discontent because he was the higher wage earner and already felt he was carrying too much of the financial load. Frankly, he felt his cohabiting partner, Jessie, was lazy and lacked ambition. He often criticized Jessie because she had an entry-level, part-time job that did not have much room for advancement. Kevin nagged her to work more hours or get a better-paying job. When Jessie added a new boyfriend to the mix, Kevin went ballistic. He felt financially exploited, angrily declaring, “While I’m out working long hours and bringing home a paycheck, instead of working, you’re out having sex with some other guy!”
Jessie held her ground, reminding him that they had discussed their differing views on money many times over the years. Kevin acknowledged that he had always been willing, if grudgingly, to accept that she preferred to work fewer hours, be more frugal, spend less money, and have more free time for political activism and art. However, it felt very different to him that now she was making even less money, working fewer hours, and spending her free time having a relationship with another man.
“When you are volunteering at the local homeless shelter or going to City Council meetings, I feel good about working a little more to support that. But when you’re out with Jim, I feel you are using me to support you financially, and being irresponsible,” Kevin said. Jessie reminded him that while he made a lot more money, he also spent a lot more money than she did, eating lunch out every day, buying nice clothes, and driving a brand-new car while she rode a bike and got her clothes from thrift stores. “I have always supported your desire to spend your hard-earned money on expensive habits, since money is more important to you than it is to me. It’s not fair to blame me for making less, since I only spend a fraction of the amount you spend every month,” she said. This escalating conflict shone a spotlight on their glaring differences on financial matters, which caused Kevin to conclude that they were not compatible to be life partners, and he ended the relationship.
Money problems can arise in monogamous couples when partners decide to merge their money. Both people often put all their income and savings into “one big pot,” and both dip into that pot for all their expenses. This often leads to fighting when one person spends too much money on things the other person believes are frivolous or has not agreed to. Perhaps one person wants to save as much as possible to buy a house or for retirement, and the other wants to give money to charities or political causes, buy gadgets, or go on expensive vacations.
Poly couples who merge their finances have exactly the same issues but with a particularly poly spin. For instance, your partner may be outraged that you are spending shared money on taking your new lover out for expensive dinners or buying gifts or flowers for your outside partners. Perhaps you spent a lot more money on Christmas gifts for your new boyfriend than you you did on gifts for your partner, and they can’t help but notice because there it is on the Visa bill.
Or, conversely, your newer lover feels they are being treated unfairly because your pre-existing partner gets to share finances with you and make financial decisions together, but the two of you keep your finances separate. Or the newer partner feels restricted and controlled because you are not allowed to spend very much money on dates or other things you want to do together, because your other partner has a say in those decisions.
In one case, Karen got involved in a relationship with Kim, who was living with Beth. Kim and Karen wanted to go away for the weekend to celebrate their one-year anniversary of dating, but Beth would not allow Kim to spend any of their joint money on such a trip. Karen offered to pay all the expenses for the trip herself, with no contribution from Kim, and Beth agreed to this. However, Karen became very resentful that she could only go away with Kim if she paid for everything, and felt this was very unfair.
Kim, Beth, and Karen had a mediation session and came up with a compromise that worked for everyone. Kim was a nurse who often worked overtime, and she received overtime pay for those hours. With the help of the mediator, they decided that when Kim got any overtime pay, she could put that money aside to use for trips and other expenses in her relationship with Karen.
So financial issues are usually already a sticking point in a relationship, but adding a poly relationship only underlines a problem and makes it intolerable. Many poly couples at least partially solve this problem by separating their finances, having individual checking accounts and credit cards, etc. This way, each person can manage their own money and each pay their half of the mutual bills, while having the freedom to treat their other lovers to lunch or go to a concert with them without their spouse saying, “I’m pissed off that you’re using our money to pay for dates with your other girlfriend,” or “How come you paid $200 to go to the spa to get massages together and you never take me anywhere romantic like that?”
Conflict over who will care for children can also create money-related problems. This usually happens when one person quits their paying job after giving birth, or one person drops out of the paid labor force to provide childcare for their biological kids and/or other children in the poly family. While this is a financial issue, it will also be discussed in the next section because it is also a domestic issue. But because values about money and work are the core issues, it is being discussed here as well.
Often, poly families do not talk through the financial ramifications, or the work required, in raising children. They may not clarify who will pay these costs and who will do the work. Unfortunately, many poly people fail to make agreements in advance of the birth of a child. And many times, a partner who already has children moves in with other partners without discussing whether the other partners will financially support and physically provide care for those children. As a result, different assumptions are made by everyone involved, and disaster usually ensues, often leading to breaking up.
For instance, will each partner spend some of their time caring for all the children in the household, and will all partners share in the cost of professional childcare? If so, how many hours a day, or how many days of the week? Will each partner be expected to participate equally in child-rearing, or will the biological parent or parents have sole responsibility or more responsibility? Who will provide financial support for the children, and how much?
Sometimes, the biological mother (and in some cases, the bio-dad) assumes she will stay home with the baby and be supported financially by the rest of the family, while other members may have not agreed to this or even discussed it. More often, a poly family agrees in advance to provide financial support for the bio-mom to stay home and take care of the baby for a specific length of time, usually six months or one year, but then the parent extends that time. The rest of the family may feel betrayed because they never consented to this.
Sometimes, family members agree in advance to provide financial support for the parent(s) and the baby, but then find that they really resent paying for someone else’s expenses, begin to feel it is unfair to them, and demand to change the agreement.
The child or children may be at a childcare center all day because all members of the household are working, and the biological parent or parents assume that all partners will share equally in the cost. In one V triad poly family with a man and two heterosexual women, the new mom had the family’s agreement to hire a childcare professional to take care of the baby full-time in their home. The new mom failed to mention that she was planning to pay the childcare worker’s salary out of the house checking account. She assumed this was a household expense, but her partner’s other partner said, “Why should I pay for childcare for your baby? I didn’t get you pregnant, and it’s not my responsibility.”
An unplanned pregnancy is even more likely to lead to the demise of a poly relationship, often because suddenly each partner is being forced into a situation they never agreed to, and the other partners have very little control over whether the biological parent(s) will choose to have the baby or terminate the pregnancy. Sometimes having family counseling can help a poly family find some way of resolving this situation. The pregnant partner may decide to end the pregnancy if it becomes clear that one or more partners does not want to become a parent and will leave the relationship over this. Or the other partners may realize how important continuing the pregnancy is to their partner, and become more accepting and welcoming of the new baby.
Some poly partners may not want responsibility for supporting a child financially, especially if they had no involvement in creating the pregnancy, and no control over the decision to continue it. They may not agree to provide financial support for one or more parents to stay home with the baby and feel resentment over these expectations. Sometimes counseling or mediation can help a family find compromises that make everyone feel respected and comfortable. However, many unplanned pregnancies lead to divorce or the breakup of poly families due to irreconcilable differences.