Problems described as “domestic issues” also doom many relationships, both poly and monogamous.
Domestic issues include all the tensions that can arise from two or more people living together. These include conflict centered around housework, cleanliness, scheduling activities, deciding whether to have children, how to raise kids, policies about guests, how to deal with in-laws and other relatives, roommates, noise, food preferences, cooking, and the division of labor in the household. In poly relationships, as with sexual issues and money problems, domestic issues are often already causing conflict, and then the poly situation amplifies the tension and eventually causes a breakup.
Many poly relationships start out with a heterosexual couple, where the wife is already unhappy because the man is not doing his share of housework and childcare.
For example, an unequal division of labor was already a serious cause of fighting in Marcia and Joe’s marriage long before they decided to open up their marriage to other partners. Marcia was already dissatisfied and pleading with Joe to do more of the domestic work. When they then became polyamorous and he was out on dates with Gail a few nights a week, she was outraged and filed for divorce. Joe was baffled about why Marcia had such an “extreme reaction.”
At a couples’ counseling session Joe explained that on the nights when he was at home, he was sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching TV, while Marcia cooked dinner, washed the dishes, and put the kids to bed. So as he put it, “I’m not doing any work when I’m at home, so what’s the difference if I’m out seeing my girlfriend? Either way, you’re doing the same amount of work.” Marcia explained that she was always angry that he was not doing anything to help, but that his being out on dates with the new girlfriend added insult to injury. “When I’m home all alone with a sick kid, and cleaning up barf and changing diapers, knowing that you are out having sex with another woman makes me want to murder you,” she said.
This story actually has a happy ending, because Joe’s new lover, Gail, made a simple but brilliant suggestion. Joe could continue to go out with Gail two nights a week. One other night of the week he could watch TV and drink beer, and have no chores at home. Three other nights of the week, he would help Marcia with the cooking and also do a load of laundry, which he could fold while watching TV after dinner. On the one remaining night of the week, Marcia could take a long hot bath with a glass of wine, while Joe cooked dinner on his own and washed the dishes, then she would put the kids to bed. After a month of trying this out, Marcia said, “Gail is a genius, I am really starting to like her.”
In situations where a poly triad or foursome lives together, domestic issues frequently cause breakups. Many people have discovered, to their dismay, that it’s hard enough to live with one partner and achieve some amount of compatibility around housework, whether to eat meat or not, whether you can smoke pot in the house, childrearing practices, clutter, noise levels, enjoying the same social activities, etc. So what are the odds that three or four people will have such a high-level of affinity that they can live together harmoniously? Sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage has said, “I’ve been to several poly families’ commitment celebrations, but I’ve never been to a poly family’s third anniversary celebration.” While he later admitted that this was “kind of an asshole thing to say,” there is a kernel of truth to his words, as only a small fraction of poly threesomes and moresomes actually survive living together for more than a year or so.
The more you are informed about the challenges and potential pitfalls of your relationships, the more accurately you can assess the viability of cohabitation for you and your partners. Then, if you decide to go forward with living together as a poly family, you can take steps to maximize your chances for success.
There are three key ingredients for making it work:
These ingredients are crucial in any polyamorous relationship, but are absolute necessities if you are all living together.
There has to be a lot of agreement on everything, including where to live, whether to buy or rent a house or apartment, how clean to keep the house, who will be responsible for which chores, what kind of food to buy and who will cook meals, how much privacy or personal time each partner and each relationship will have, and how much time will be spent together as a family. This turns out to be a pretty high bar to meet, and the majority of poly living groups find it very challenging, if not impossible.
The more people in the household, the more complicated it is for everyone to have enough room and control over their space, and the harder it is to get the right balance of togetherness, alone time, and privacy.
It often works better for everyone in a poly family to move into a new, neutral space that no one is already emotionally attached to. This way everyone is starting off fresh, with the same amount of power and investment in creating a home that works for everyone.
Some poly triads and a few poly quads have solved some of these dilemmas through the creative use of architecture. They have done this by living in a duplex or a house with a cottage in the backyard, or even two apartments in the same complex. These arrangements means that everyone can spend a lot of time together, but they don’t have to be as compatible as would be required to live together in a single space.
Mildred, who was part of a successful long-term poly family that bought a duplex together, says, “Financially, it’s an expensive solution. However, it’s still much cheaper than divorce, because if we got divorced we’d have to rent two apartments, anyway. And this is much better for our kids, they have all the parents, and all their stuff, in one place and they can easily go back and forth any time by just opening a door.”
Jolene, another self-described “poly veteran” in a group marriage, found a similar solution. “Sharing a bed and sharing bodily fluids with three other people turned out to be much easier than sharing a kitchen and bathroom with them,” she says. “Why? Because two of them are guys! Norm and Rob don’t mind piles of dirty dishes in the sink, and they don’t even notice the moldy wet towels in the bathroom and layers of soap scum in the bathtub. Raven and I were totally grossed out and we were constantly cleaning up after them. We were on the verge of moving out and getting our own place. It turned out it was cheaper to convert our two-car garage into an extra kitchen and bathroom. Norm and Rob agreed to use that bathroom, and to wash all their dirty dishes in that kitchen. So now Raven and I can keep our bathroom and kitchen clean, and we don’t care how dirty theirs are, we just keep the door closed and don’t think about it.”
In another example, two middle-aged married couples became a poly quad, which evolved slowly over a period of years. Both of the women, Rosa and Natalie, were bisexual, and they developed a relationship first, while the men, Marvin and Robert, were platonic friends and the four of them socialized a lot together. After two years of being lovers, Rosa developed a crush Natalie’s husband, Marvin. With Natalie’s encouragement, they became lovers, and eventually Natalie and Robert developed an enjoyable sexual relationship as well.
They decided to live together as a group in Marvin and Natalie’s large three-story Victorian house in San Francisco, since their children were grown and the three upstairs bedrooms were empty. However, it turned out that moving in together made it difficult for each individual relationship to get enough time and privacy, as they were all together in the house and had a very difficult time negotiating private time for each couple.
Natalie and Rosa would try to have a date night, but the men would always want to come along, and feel left out if they were not included. Rosa and Robert wanted to spend time alone together a few nights a week, as they had done for 25 years in their own home, but Marvin felt they were being rude and withdrawn if they wanted to have dinner separately. And with so many people involved, it seemed difficult for Marvin to ever get on Rosa’s calendar for an individual date, and he began to feel she was rejecting him as a lover.
The entire poly family was on the verge of divorce when they realized that all of the four relationships could survive if they did not all live together. They were able to remodel the house and to make the upstairs a separate apartment with a kitchen. The apartment had an existing full bathroom, two bedrooms, and an office, and Rosa and Robert were already living in that part of the house anyway. The four of them decided that each weekend they would make plans a week ahead, so everyone could have dates with each of their respective lovers each week. They would have dinner together as a foursome a few nights a week, as well as doing other projects, and yard work together on weekends.
Shelley and Ricardo are a married couple from Boston who met and courted Mike and Chandra, a couple from New York. Two years after meeting, Mike and Chandra moved in with Shelley and Ricardo in Boston. However, the living situation was cramped and they all realized that they were not ready to give up their privacy, nor were they willing to share their finances. Mike and Chandra considered moving back to New York.
Shelley and Ricardo had a small house on a large lot, so they agreed to sell half the lot to Mike and Chandra, who built a small house for themselves on their half. The two couples now spend most of their time together. Some nights they all sleep together in one room. Other nights they make dates with individual partners so that each relationship can have more privacy. Each couple or any individual can withdraw to their own house if they want time alone or to pursue their own projects.
Bill and Esther had been married for six years when Bill met Rachel and developed a committed relationship with her. With Esther’s consent, Bill began dividing his time equally between their home and Rachel’s home. Rachel had never had children, and at age 40, wanted to have a child with Bill. Esther had 21-year-old twins from her previous marriage, who were both in college, and she did not want to start over with a new baby. They solved this dilemma by moving into a co-housing community where Bill and Esther could have their own cottage on the same property as Bill and Rachel’s house. This way they could all have dinner together every night and spend most of their time together, but have two separate households. Bill continued to spend half of each week living with each partner, and he and Rachel had a baby together.
For years, Carmen was torn apart by the escalating demands of her lovers, Tanya and Katy. Katy had actually broken up with Carmen, who became so despondent that Tanya called her and “coaxed her back into the fold” with what turned out to be a great idea. The three women have now owned a duplex together for 10 years. Carmen spends three nights each week upstairs with Tanya, and three nights downstairs with Katy. The seventh day of the week is “Carmen’s time,” and she can negotiate to spend time with either woman if they are available, or to have time to herself. Tanya and Katy each have outside romantic relationships, and they see their other girlfriends when Carmen is with the other partner.
There seems to be a built-in occupational hazard when two couples get together. Many poly households start with a primary couple who add another couple, but then eventually end up as a threesome. It seems quite rare that all four people are compatible and flexible enough to handle the demands of a poly family, and eventually one of the four people opts out. There are also some group marriages where two or even three of the partners stay together for many years but the fourth or fifth partner leaves and is replaced every few years.
For instance, Denise, Millie, and Joseph have lived together for 10 years as a family. Millie and Joseph’s two children also live with them. Denise was married to Bob and Millie to Joseph. The two couples met over the internet and courted, and eventually all moved in together as a poly family. Many conflicts developed because Bob was unhappy with the behavior of Millie and Joseph’s children. There were also disagreements over finances, including how money was spent. Eventually Bob moved out and he and Denise divorced. Denise grieved losing her marriage with Bob, but continued living with Millie, Joseph, and the children. She now says, “We seem to be living happily ever after.” Millie identifies as the primary parent and works full-time at home, taking care of the children, house, and garden. Denise and Joseph both work full-time outside of the home, and are happy to support Millie financially. Denise says, “It’s so wonderful to come home from work every night to a clean house, dinner on the table, and a beautiful, smiling wife greeting me with a kiss at the door! Every woman should have a wife!”
In many poly families, conflicts center on how much responsibility the partners feel is appropriate to take on for each partner’s extended family. One poly foursome broke up when a woman’s 30-year-old daughter and her two small kids suddenly moved in with them after a messy divorce. The mother expected her poly family to provide free accommodation, food, and childcare for her daughter and grandchildren. The family refused, and she and one of the other partners moved out.
Another family fell apart when one man’s elderly father developed Alzheimer’s and needed full-time care and supervision. The man wanted his father to move in and be financially supported and physically cared for by his poly family members. His partners felt this was not realistic since each partner had a full-time job and no one could stay home to care for his father.
In both families, these situations were never predicted or discussed in advance. In each case, one partner believed it was their poly family’s responsibility to care for their biological family members in need, but their poly partners had not agreed to this, and refused to do so.
When poly partners meet and fall in love, they are generally focused on romance and the excitement of creating a family together. They usually aren’t thinking about worst-case scenarios in the future. As unpleasant as it may seem to talk about potential problems, it’s wise for poly families to clarify expectations of each partner and discuss how such situations will be handled before they move in together. This way all partners have a say in these decisions and there will be consensus on what to do in the event of illness, disability, job loss, divorce, or other big changes.
As touched on in the discussion of financial issues, incompatibility around children and childrearing has doomed many poly relationships. A lot of poly families are “blended” families with one or more children from previous relationships. This often creates conflicts over scheduling custody arrangements with ex-spouses, as well as negotiating complex childcare agreements for poly family members. Sometimes the biological parent(s) object strongly to other partners providing limits or discipline for their children. There can be sharp disagreements among multiple partners over children’s behavior, bedtimes, homework, activities, or diet, and it can be impossible to reach consensus.
Disputes over childcare sometimes break down along gender lines: The women in the household often do way more than their share of the parenting and struggle to convince the men to pull their weight. In two of the poly families who agreed to be interviewed, the women left the families and took the children with them because they felt so unsupported by their male partners in child-rearing duties.
If there are no children when the poly family is initially formed, irreconcilable differences may develop if one partner wants children and others don’t. Many poly families have disbanded because one partner wanted children but could not persuade the others to agree. An all-too-common scenario is a Female-Male-Female triad where the pre-existing heterosexual couple already has children, and the newer woman in the triad wants to have a child. Often, the couple does not want to raise any more children, which sometimes causes the newer partner to end the relationship.
Jose and Jillian were a cohabiting couple who fell in love with Nancy, and the three became lovers. Nancy already had a four-year-old daughter, Tiffany, and they spent a lot of time together as a family. Then Nancy accidentally became pregnant by Jose, and Jose and Jillian asked her to move in with them so they could raise the baby together. Living together through the pregnancy proved rocky, as Jillian was resentful of both the attention Nancy was receiving, and that Nancy seemed to expect her to take care of Tiffany all the time since the pregnancy was making Nancy very tired. Jillian was doing all the housework and cooking, as well as working full-time. Jose worked long hours, and was only able to help with childcare and household chores on weekends. After the baby was born, Jillian became even more resentful as she felt Nancy wanted to be waited on all the time and was ignoring Tiffany because of the new baby. Tantrums ensued, both from Tiffany and from Jillian.
In all the excitement about the pregnancy, they had failed to talk through how the childrearing and the division of labor would work. And although all three of them had agreed that Nancy would stay home with the baby for six months, Jose and Jillian did not realize that Nancy did not have any money saved, and that she was expecting them to support her, Tiffany, and the new baby, Tyrone, for that whole time. They begrudgingly paid all the bills, but after six months Nancy refused to go back to work, insisting on staying home for another year. Jillian and Jose were tired of supporting Nancy and the children financially, and were angry that Nancy was breaking her agreement. They insisted that Nancy go back to work or move out. She had no choice but to concede, and returned to her job. However, she refused to pay any bills, putting her entire paycheck in the bank. As soon as she had saved up enough money, she rented an apartment and moved out. She initiated a custody battle to prevent Jose from having any custody of his son and asked for child support.
But not every situation is disastrous. For the poly families who find a way to live together happily, the rewards are great: lots of companionship, stable romantic and sexual relationships, a built-in social life and community, more adults to share housework, multiple incomes to achieve a more comfortable standard of living and long-term financial security, an economy of scale that lowers living costs, the option of sharing resources, and additional adults to care for children, ill or disabled family members, and elders.