In any relationship, there will be some conflict over the regulation of intimacy and autonomy, but it manifests with a different set of problems in polyamorous relationships than in monogamous couples.
No two people are perfectly matched in their respective needs for closeness as a couple and their need for time alone and privacy. This spectrum can be conceptualized as a scale of zero to 10. There is a broad range, with complete independence at the zero end of the scale, and 24/7 “joined-at-the-hip coupledom” at the other upper end. Each person has an ideal comfort zone that feels right to them for how much personal privacy, autonomy, and control over their own life they need, and how much love, intimacy, togetherness, and merging they want with a partner. One person in any given couple will always want more independence and more of a life of their own, and the other will always want more integration of their lives.
Anyone who is between a two and an eight on the scale can probably have a healthy and happy relationship. Anyone who is below a two will have difficulty maintaining a relationship, because they are not willing or able to give a partner enough time, attention, and intimacy to keep them satisfied. People who are above an eight will also find it difficult to sustain relationships, because their demands for time, attention, and loyalty would make most people feel smothered. Anyone between a two and an eight can probably find partners who want a similar balance between having a life of their own and being in a committed relationship, as long as they pick partners who are relatively close to their number on the autonomy/intimacy scale.
For monogamous couples, discrepancies in these needs often prove fatal to the relationship, since they are not allowed to meet any of their needs for love and intimacy outside of their primary relationship. If they are too far apart on the scale, they will be forever locked in a power struggle. One will fight to maintain independence and control, carving out private time and space, and the other will experience a chronic scarcity of time, attention, affection, and closeness.
One person eventually flees due to the escalating demands for intimacy, or the other feels so starved for love and affection that they end the relationship. Some monogamous people try to solve this problem by seeking emotional intimacy and connection from close friends or family members, but often the “missing ingredients” are affection, romance, and sex, which are off-limits for monogamous people outside of their relationship. Unfortunately, this usually leads to a partner cheating.
Sometimes, one partner’s need for more closeness and romantic attention drives monogamous couples to try polyamory. However, this can sometimes lead to the demise of their relationship. This is because they are not truly polyamorous people, but are only trying an open relationship as a problem solving strategy. The danger is that the partner who goes outside the relationship for intimacy is likely to choose someone who is more closely matched to their intimacy needs, and may decide to leave the primary relationship for a monogamous relationship with the new partner.
Couples who are considering polyamory should think carefully about whether it could potentially jeopardize their relationship. If you actually want a monogamous relationship, but are simply incompatible with this particular partner, polyamory is not the answer.
But open relationships can solve some of the problems created by different autonomy/intimacy needs within a couple. Either partner can have additional relationships if they experience a scarcity of time and attention in their primary relationship. In addition, if a partner is feeling overwhelmed by their partner’s demands for togetherness, they can encourage their partner to seek outside partners to take the pressure off them.
However, this can lead to some interesting new problems. For instance, Sandra was an eight on the autonomy/intimacy scale, and her partner, Steve, was a three. Sandra spent years feeling lonely, rejected, and unloved because Steve, a biochemist, spent a lot of weekends working on research in his lab, and when at home he wanted to spend a lot of time reading scientific articles and watching movies. Sandra got involved in two secondary relationships with other men, but she was spending so much time on these two new romances that Steve began to complain of being neglected. The demands of her two new lovers felt overwhelming, and she eventually felt compelled to cut back.
A more difficult problem can be created if the person who is at the lower end of the intimacy/autonomy scale chooses to enter into outside relationships. For instance, John is a two and Alice is a six. Alice is generally satisfied because she has an outside relationship to satisfy her intimacy needs. Then, someone makes a pass at John and he decides to go for it, and Alice responds with panic. She knows that John has a low tolerance for intimacy and not much time and energy to devote to relationships. As a result, if he has another partner, Alice is likely to receive even less attention. She wants him to abandon the other relationship and reserve his relationship energy for her, since there is a shortage already. His need for a lot of privacy and alone time will make it very difficult for him to sustain two relationships.
John may only discover what his limits are by trying to maintain two relationships and finding out the hard way that he can’t manage it. He may find that a casual outside sex partner or a long-distance relationship would work fine. If he goes forward in pursuing an intense relationship, he probably won’t give enough time and attention to Alice. If the amount of romantic love and attention then drops below the current minimum amount, she is likely to end the relationship.
If you are in an open relationship, it is advisable to think carefully about where you are on the autonomy/intimacy scale, and to consider how this may affect your relationships. How much time and energy can you reliably devote to intimate relationships? How much intimacy and connection do you need? How much privacy and independence do you need for your life to feel satisfying and balanced?
In past relationships, did you often feel a need for more closeness, and feel frustrated and lonely because you did not get enough time and attention from your partner? If so, you are probably a six, seven, or eight on the scale. Seek partners who are also a five or above on the scale, who are likely to want a similar amount of attention and connection. However, you can get in a lot of trouble by picking partners who, like yourself, are “high maintenance.” You will be besieged by their demands, and it is unlikely that you will be able to keep multiple partners happy.
A good rule of thumb for poly people is to pick at least one partner who is a few numbers lower than they are on the scale. For instance, it works well for an eight to pick a seven or eight as a primary partner as long as any additional partners are below a six. This configuration works because you can reserve enough time and energy for your primary partner and still have enough left over for an additional partner.
Conversely, if you are usually the person trying to keep your partners from taking up too much space in your life, you are probably a two, three, or four on the scale. You would be smart to pick a primary partner who is also between two and four, who highly values their independence, wants to have a lot of alone time, and have a life of their own. Some people who are a two, three, or four find that it works best to limit their outside relationships to very casual play partners, to go to sex parties for one-time sexual partners, or to choose other forms of “low-maintenance” outside relationships.
Some people who are at the lower end of the scale decide they do not want to have primary relationships at all, and do better having two or more non-primary relationships, where there is not such a big demand for intimacy and togetherness. For some people this is the ideal lifestyle and satisfies their needs for romance, sex, love, and companionship without the pressures of constant interaction and intimacy.