Some relationships end because of problems that were not created within the relationship. These include addictive behaviors, as well as untreated mental health conditions, and abuse.
These issues cannot really be called relationship problems, because they did not originate in the relationship. Instead, one person brought the problem with them and only they can solve it. If one person in the relationship has a cocaine addiction, for instance, only that person can fix that addiction, by getting the help they need to stay clean and sober. Or, if one person has an untreated mental health condition such as depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder, only that person can address it. If a partner has problems with anger management, only they can resolve that with counseling, anger management classes, or by finding some other way to address the root causes of their anger. In these situations, their partners are powerless to solve the problem, no matter how much they may try. However, these problems will inevitably cause the demise of relationships if the partner who has the problem does not take action or get help.
Addiction is a heartbreaking problem that destroys many relationships, both monogamous and polyamorous. However, in poly relationships, addiction often plays a more complicated role in a breakup. ln a poly relationship, an addict is often able to hide their addiction for much longer, especially in a secondary or casual relationship where they may not spend as much time with any one partner as they would in a monogamous relationship.
Krista explained, “I have a wife who I live with, and I was only seeing Jeffrey once every couple of weeks or sometimes once a month, so it didn’t seem odd that he liked to drink a couple bottles of wine and smoke some pot on every date. We liked to go out dancing, and he was that really fun party boyfriend. It wasn’t until he totaled his car and nearly killed us on the way home from a club, then spent the night in jail because he was driving drunk, that I realized he had a problem. Of course I should have seen the warning signs sooner. But we always had a great time together, and I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship with him, so I wasn’t really scrutinizing him or his drinking.”
When someone is not living with a partner, they can behave normally on dates but then go home and drink themselves into a stupor, or stay up all night taking speed. Usually, it takes a lot longer for a partner to notice all the signs of drug or alcohol addiction in a polyamorous relationship than in a monogamous one. A poly partner may only realize they are in love with an addict when there are really obvious consequences such as getting fired from a job, health problems, legal problems such as DUIs, or strained relationships with family members and friends.
And sometimes substance abuse or drinking is already a problem in a primary relationship, but has not spiraled out of control until a poly relationship adds more stress to an already unhealthy situation. For instance, Sheila had a drinking problem throughout her 10-year marriage to Doug. She drank every night at home, and got giggly and incoherent while they hung out on the couch talking or watching TV. Doug tried to persuade her to moderate her drinking, without success. Then, they opened up their marriage and Doug developed an outside relationship. When he was out on dates with Jenny, Sheila would get drunk and call him on the phone screaming obscenities. A few times she got in the car drunk and drove to Jenny’s house. Neighbors called the cops because she was banging on the door yelling. Each time, she would not even remember her behavior the next morning. Doug begged her to go into treatment to get sober, but she refused, claiming that his new relationship was the cause of her drinking. He agreed to stop seeing Jenny, but even then, Sheila would not stop drinking or get help. Doug and Sheila divorced.
Many poly relationships end because one partner is using polyamory as a cover for compulsive and destructive relationship patterns. Just as some people choose monogamy for unhealthy reasons, some people choose polyamory to act out addictive behaviors in sex and relationships.
Polyamorous people bristle at being called sex and love addicts, because so many people erroneously believe that only sex addicts concurrently have more than one sexual or romantic partner. There are many happy, healthy, poly people, but there are also many sex and relationship addicts masquerading as polyamorists. People who have an addictive relationship with sex or love make very poor relationship partners, because they are too self-centered and too caught up in their own disease to be capable of real intimacy or love. Getting involved in a poly relationship with a sex or love addict is highly likely to cause heartbreak and, eventually, the demise of the relationship.
Sex addicts feel compelled to engage in frequent sexual activity with many partners, regardless of the consequences. The need for more sex and more partners clouds their judgment, and they often violate their own values and break existing agreements with partners. They use sex similarly to how other addicts use drugs or alcohol: to experience an intense high they can’t get any other way, or to numb loneliness and emotional pain
Conversely, love and relationship addicts are excessively dependent on being in love and being in a relationship. They organize their lives around their relationships and sacrifice their own needs, their careers, and even their own self-respect in order to stay in relationships no matter how badly they are treated
Healthy poly people prioritize sex and intimate relationships in their lives and usually spend more time and energy than the average person sustaining their relationships. The key differences between polyamory and sex or relationship addiction are the addicts’ lack of control over their behavior, and their inability to make rational choices about sex and relationships.
Many poly breakups are caused by one partner’s sex or love addiction. For example, Alan is a heterosexual man who is a sex addict. He has been married and divorced twice, both times to poly women. In his first marriage, he made unwelcomed sexual advances to every one of his wife’s female friends, and she eventually lost all of her friends because they got tired of being sexually harassed by him. His second marriage ended because he got fired for making unwelcome sexual overtures to coworkers.
Lisa is a bisexual woman who is polyamorous. She likes to go to sex parties, but makes poor partner choices and goes home with questionable, and even dangerous, men. Her husband left her because she had unprotected sex with a stranger and accidentally became pregnant.
John is a recently divorced gay man who is a love addict. His husband left him after becoming fed up with his addictive relationships. John had a long series of brief but intense outside relationships with other men. In each case, after a few months, he would lose interest and fall for someone new.
Learn to recognize the symptoms of addiction, particularly when considering a potential partner. This is harder than it seems, since people often hide their addictive behaviors, or avoid indulging in them at the beginning of a new relationship. And since many people enjoy social drinking and recreational drugs it can be difficult to tell when someone has developed an addictive relationship with drugs or alcohol. Because poly people often have active and intense sex lives, sex addiction can be even more difficult to assess.
Sometimes there will be obvious red flags, such as losing a job due to coming to work hungover, or even being under the influence of drugs or alcohol at work. Not keeping agreements about safer sex, having poor boundaries with other partners, or picking inappropriate partners may indicate a sex or love addiction. However, there are often more subtle clues like a partner always being broke despite having a good job. You may eventually discover that the money is being used to pay for drugs. Vague health problems such as always having headaches and fatigue, or constant stomach problems with no explanation may be a sign of alcohol abuse. Or you may hear about unexplained legal problems requiring a lot of court appearances and lawyer fees. Most often, a telltale sign of addiction is lots of interpersonal problems with friends, coworkers, and family members. Anyone can develop conflicts with a few people, but if everyone in a person’s life is unhappy with them or has stopped speaking to them, there is a good chance that an addiction has contributed to them alienating their loved ones.
Not showing up for dates or not keeping agreements can be a warning sign of an addiction problem. This is because addicts are often so focused on drinking or taking drugs that other commitments become secondary, and other people’s needs are less important. As a result, people who are in the throes of addiction are not likely to be successful in poly relationships, because their addiction is their primary relationship and will always be prioritized.
Untreated mental health conditions are often a part of poly breakups. In a monogamous relationship where you live with your partner, or spend most of your time with them, these conditions are likely to become obvious quickly. But, as with substance abuse and sex addiction, it takes many poly people longer to figure out that a partner is struggling with clinical depression, an anxiety disorder, a bipolar condition, or some other serious mental health issue. In a poly relationship, you might see your partner infrequently, and you may not be paying such close attention to their behaviors if the relationship is not serious. As a result, many people are shocked when suddenly (or so it seems), a partner becomes very depressed, or has a panic attack, or seems very agitated and irrational. Frequently, this will frighten someone into ending the relationship, as they feel this is not the person they thought they were involved with. This is especially true if they don’t have experience with mental health conditions, and don’t know how to support a partner through such a crisis.
For example, Ray was a talented musician and the life of the party. He always had two or three boyfriends at any given moment. However, he struggled with a bipolar condition and had experienced a number of episodes of both depression and mania. He did not want to take medication because he felt it dulled his creativity and made it harder for him to write music. Instead, he used cocaine to self-medicate his depression and used alcohol to manage his anxiety and manic symptoms. He was careful not to get too seriously involved with any of his lovers, not seeing anyone too frequently in order to hide his symptoms, as well as his drug and alcohol use. When his latest boyfriend, Hans, fell in love with him and wanted a commitment, Ray tried to keep the relationship “low-key” even though he desperately wanted love and companionship. Hans eventually broke up with him after his cocaine use started to escalate and became too obvious to hide.
Another common scenario is that the primary partner is well aware of their partner’s mental health condition, and has been solidly there for them, helping them through numerous bouts of depression, anxiety, mania, or psychotic episodes. They have been willing to take on this role for many years in a monogamous relationship. However, when the relationship becomes polyamorous, they feel resentful about being relegated to the role of the loyal caregiver. They may resent supporting their partner when they are at their worst, while their partner can go out and have a great time with someone else when they are well.
For instance, Kate reluctantly accepted Jane’s mood swings and depression for years, even supporting the household financially when Jane had to take several months off work due to severe depression. However, she became angry when Jane started dating Gwen. She exclaimed, “I have to put up with your sullen moods and being ignored, but the new girlfriend gets the happier, more energetic version of you? Forget it!” And Jane actively hid her mental health condition from her new lover because she was afraid it would “scare her off,” even skipping her antidepressant medications when she stayed overnight at Gwen’s house, so when she came home to Kate she would be more depressed and unable to function.
Jane and Gwen went away on a weekend trip, and after three days off all of her medications Jane became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. By that time Kate was so exhausted from the stress, and felt so neglected that she ended the relationship. Gwen felt so bewildered and overwhelmed by the whole situation that she backed out of the relationship as well. In retrospect, Jane realized that being honest about her medical condition from the start, and sticking with her medication and self-care practices, might have prevented this outcome.
It is important to clarify that people with mental health conditions can be healthy and appropriate candidates for poly relationships. In fact, they are often excellent relationship partners because they have years of experience with personal growth and self-care, and have been forced to learn to set healthy boundaries. In order to maximize the success of their poly relationships, it is imperative that anyone with these health conditions seek out medical care from competent professionals. Only a qualified medical doctor can provide an accurate assessment or diagnosis, and suggest appropriate treatment.
It is crucial for poly people to educate themselves about mental health conditions, to recognize symptoms in current and potential partners, to be able to offer support, and to encourage those affected to seek professional help when needed. Having more than one partner can be extremely helpful when someone is unable to take care of themselves or make rational decisions. One partner may have trouble setting firm boundaries and persuading their partner to get counseling or take medication. Having two or more partners involved can help provide ongoing support without anyone getting burned out, and partners can work together to help make healthy decisions.
Many people with mental health conditions have expressed the belief that being poly can have some strong advantages over a monogamous relationship, because in a crisis they may have more sources of support. For instance, John, Robin, and Nancy live together as a triad. Robin has suffered from depression and panic attacks since adolescence, and most of the time she is able to self-manage these conditions successfully with medication, self-hypnosis, and other self-help techniques. She has two supportive partners who give her a lot of time and attention, and she has had only one bout of debilitating depression and anxiety during the 15 years they have lived together as a family. During that six-month depression, she was terrified of being alone and cried for hours every day. John and Nancy took turns being home with her. Having two partners to share that responsibility prevented either from becoming exhausted, and allowed them both to continue working part-time to support the family financially until Robin was well enough to go back to work.
Yuri had two stretches of severe depression during the six years he was in a monogamous relationship with Michelle. He was sullen and withdrawn during three to four months of depression, and had angry outbursts when Michelle tried to coax him out of bed to go to work. He lost two jobs due to absenteeism, but he refused Michelle’s pleas to take antidepressant medication, or to go to a therapist or doctor for help. He had no other close friends, and Michelle felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of him when he was depressed. He recovered, and had been doing fine for about a year when Michelle developed a crush on her close friend, Hannah. Yuri felt comfortable with Michelle’s bisexuality, and consented to her initiating a sexual relationship. Over the next several months, Hannah and Michelle developed a serious love relationship, having a few overnight dates a week, and Yuri didn’t feel threatened. Hannah developed a platonic friendship with Yuri and the three often spent time together most weekends playing World of Warcraft and other games, as well as hiking and going to movies together.
About a year into this new relationship, Yuri experienced another episode of depression. He was very irritable and lashed out at both women over minor disagreements. He started calling in sick to work, and was soon laid off from his job. Hannah recognized the symptoms right away, because her mother and two brothers had struggled with depression all their lives. She knew Yuri had health insurance, and she gently pressed him to go to an eight-week “Managing Your Depression” course. Michelle was surprised when he agreed. Hannah explained, “My brothers always refused to go to therapy. They thought that it was a sign of weakness and that real men don’t need counseling. But they went to the classes, since that is much more of a ‘guy thing’ to do. They can solve a problem by taking a course, and learn a new skill set.” Yuri confided to Hannah that he had been feeling so hopeless that he had considered suicide. Hannah tried to persuade him to see his doctor, but he was not willing.
In the classes, Yuri learned cognitive behavioral techniques to help him manage his moods and change his negative thinking, which helped him to feel more in control and less depressed. He also developed close friendships with two other men in the course. Both of these men were taking antidepressants and told him how much it helped them. Yuri talked to his doctor and started a low dose of an antidepressant, and within a month he felt a significant improvement in his mood and ability to function. He told Michelle and Hannah that he finally felt, for the first time, that he was able to pursue the things he wanted to do in life, that his depression was no longer keeping him stuck. Michelle was grateful that Hannah had been able to persuade Yuri to get help. Yuri said, half-jokingly but with some seriousness, “I would have probably committed suicide by now, but polyamory saved my life!”
At least a few poly people have said that after having a long-term relationship with someone with a mental health condition, they made a conscious choice to avoid getting involved with any new partner struggling with these conditions.
Brenda says, “Navigating an open relationship is difficult and complicated enough, and can be an intense emotional roller coaster even for someone with no mental health issues. It’s already very challenging, and can cause lots of drama and irrational feelings in the most mentally stable person. On top of that, my husband Josh had an anxiety disorder and would have panic attacks every time I had a date with someone else. He would end up in the emergency room, or calling me in the middle of the date, freaking out and demanding that I come home. When he had anxiety attacks, he was unable to be rational, and no amount of comforting him or processing his feelings seemed to help.”
Eventually, she became so frustrated with taking care of him during these frequent episodes of intense anxiety that they divorced. “After we split up, I decided I did not want to go through that again. I promised myself I would make sure any potential partner was very mentally stable and did not have any history of mental health problems. It may seem unfair to discriminate in that way in picking partners, but after 15 years of feeling so responsible for propping up another person’s fragile emotional health, I just couldn’t do that again.”
Abusive situations present special considerations for breakups, whether in a monogamous relationship or an open relationship. A lot of healthy behaviors and advice that would generally be helpful in a relationship, including the process of breaking up, is not useful when abuse is present—and can sometimes be dangerous.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in four women and one in nine men experiences some form of intimate-partner violence. This can include sexual or physical assault, stalking, or verbal and psychological abuse. While there is definitely overlap between intimate-partner violence and gendered violence against women and trans people, the full picture of abuse is far more complicated. Sadly, intimate-partner abuse occurs in every community, including the polyamorous community.
Abusive behaviors are often described as situational violence or characterological violence.
Situational violence is caused by forces external to the relationship, such as unexamined biases, PTSD-type trauma responses, past betrayals or infidelities, or other extreme extenuating circumstances. Once these external factors are addressed or removed, the abusive behavior usually stops. Situational violence can be mitigated by going to therapy, by learning de-escalation skills, and by practicing techniques to tolerate distress without reacting in abusive ways.
Luz and Mike had been married for five years when she caught him cheating with Kim, a mutual friend. Mike said he wanted to continue the relationship with Kim, and to have an open marriage, and they agreed to try it. However, Luz felt so hurt and betrayed by both her husband and her friend that she sometimes could not control her reactions and behavior. Luz tracked Mike’s whereabouts with an app when he had dates with Kim. Sometimes she would show up at a restaurant where they were having dinner, calling Kim a slut and a home-wrecker, and demanding that Mike come home with her. Other times, she would call him repeatedly throughout his dates, threatening to destroy some of his prized sports memorabilia or other possessions. She called Mike’s sister and told her Mike was “out screwing some whore.”
They went to marriage counseling, where Luz learned to express her feelings and fears in a healthy way. Mike acknowledged that his cheating and lying had been unacceptable, and he promised never to lie to Luz again or to have any outside relationship without her consent. Eventually Luz was able to trust him again, and her feelings of betrayal and anger subsided. She was able to mend her relationship with Kim, and apologize for her threatening behaviors. Kim also apologized for her part in the deception, and offered to stop seeing Mike while Luz and Kim were in marriage counseling working to repair their trust. This relieved some of Luz’s insecurities, and after a few months, she gave her consent for Mike and Kim to start dating again.
In this example, both Luz and Mike were doing the best they could with the tools they had, and both made good-faith efforts to repair their relationship. Both partners were motivated to grow and heal, which enabled them to repair the dynamic. Couples counseling, as well as individual counseling, can be a helpful catalyst for growth and change.
Characterological violence is very different from situational violence, because the perpetrator doesn’t want a healthy relationship. Instead they want to exert control over their partner. The perpetrator of characterological violence in a poly relationship wields their jealousy as a weapon to keep their partner in line. Conversely, they shame or ridicule their partner if the partner experiences jealousy, anxiety, or insecurities in a poly situation. This type of emotional violence can sometimes be as damaging as physical or sexual abuse. It can be very insidious, can destroy self-esteem, and can drive someone into a suicidal depression. No amount of reasoning and negotiating can stop the abusive behavior, since the perpetrator’s goal is to achieve and maintain control over their partner and the relationship.
Marilyn and Jimmie are a cohabiting poly couple. During the five years they lived together, Jimmie would often overreact and shout at Marilyn over small mistakes like missing the freeway exit or forgetting to pay a bill on time. She tried, unsuccessfully, to get him to attend an anger management group because she was not willing to accept this behavior. Then, he developed an outside relationship with Rheba, a coworker. Marilyn had some jealousy, and she went to a therapist to learn some jealousy management techniques. She got anxious and insecure, and had a little trouble sleeping when Jimmie was on dates, but she developed good coping strategies and was handling things pretty well. After Jimmie had been dating Rheba for about a year, Marilyn went on her first date with Tom, who she met on OKCupid. Jimmie was extremely jealous, and while she was on the date, he became so upset that he hacked into her account and found Tom’s phone number. He called Tom and left a message on his voicemail, shouting, “If you touch my girlfriend, you’ll be sorry!”
Alarmed, Tom immediately called the police, who told Jimmie that he would be arrested if he continued the threats. Tom informed Marilyn that this first date would be their last. “You told me you were in an open relationship and that Jimmie has a girlfriend. What’s his problem with us dating? I don’t need drama, and I don’t want anything to do with your psycho boyfriend,” he said.
Jimmie felt ashamed of his behavior, and agreed to get counseling at Marilyn’s insistence. The therapist helped Jimmie get more control over his feelings, and taught him some techniques to self-soothe and calm down. However, he still was unable to tolerate Marilyn going on dates without hounding her with phone calls during each date, and then berating and shaming her after the date. He would interrogate her endlessly, demanding to know, “Did you suck his cock? Did he fuck you?” He told her he wanted her to be monogamous with him, even though he continued to date Rheba. This caused Marilyn to end the relationship because she was not comfortable with the double standard.
This example demonstrates a very common way that abuse and coercive control can manifest in non-monogamous relationships: enforcing behavioral double standards. While this is by no means unique to open relationships, it perhaps seems more shocking when it happens in a poly situation.
It took a lot of strength and courage for Marilyn to be able to end her relationship with Tom. In an abusive relationship, one of the most dangerous and unpredictable situations is when the target tries to leave, and the perpetrator feels they may be losing control or losing their partner. The target has good reason to fear for their own safety, and the safety of their other partners if they leave. It is highly recommended to call a domestic violence hotline or check out their websites for advice on how to plan and implement a safe departure from a violent or abusive relationship. National Domestic Violence Hotline, (thehotline.org) is a national organization offering advice and counseling by phone 24 hours a day. The Network/La Red (tnlr.org) is a 24/7 hotline based in Massachusetts for violence prevention and recovery that is expressly welcoming of all genders and sexual identities, including polyamory and BDSM. There are likely other organizations local to you that provide advice and support.
Sometimes, jealousy is weaponized in more subtle ways. A perpetrator may discourage their target from speaking to or seeing their other partners. They may sound very calm and reasonable, but have strong objections to every person their partner wants to date, or sabotage every potential relationship they try to initiate.
Janet, who identifies as bisexual, kinky, and solo poly, was in a relationship with Kane, who is in an open marriage. The relationship with Kane started out with intense sexual chemistry and involved a heavy power exchange component. Janet came to view herself as Kane’s submissive. Initially, Kane presented himself as charming, open, experienced with BDSM, and politically progressive. As long as Janet went along with what Kane wanted, he easily embodied all of those qualities. However, if she ever tried to communicate a boundary or contradict him, he would immediately grow cold and withhold affection from her.
Six months into the relationship, Janet started dating Patrice, and developed a strong emotional connection to her new partner. Patrice, unlike Kane, was not conditional with her expressions of love. Whenever Kane told Janet what a horrible person she was, Patrice would counter those accusations, often citing the things Janet did well. When Patrice came into the picture, Kane became increasingly demanding. He told Janet that she was a bad submissive whenever she objected to him monopolizing time that she had set aside for dates with Patrice. However, whenever Janet asked for time to deal with a relationship issue, Kane accused her of being too possessive and jealous. Patrice began to notice that Janet’s emotional state would deteriorate after every phone call or date she had with Kane, and she told Janet as much. But Janet was too in love with Kane to entertain the possibility that he was causing harm.
Janet was having panic attacks and worried that something was seriously wrong with her. Around this time, Kane went on vacation with his wife and was out of contact with Janet for a month. During this time, Janet did not have a single panic attack. She was happy and relaxed for the first time in ages. As soon as Kane called her upon his return, her panic attacks returned. This was a major wake-up call to Janet that her relationship with Kane was bad for her.
Janet was terrified to leave, but Patrice helped her, over the course of many months, develop the strength to leave. Both Patrice and Janet are in counseling to process the harm that Kane caused, and to help Patrice understand how to help Janet heal, while also practicing effective self-care. Janet and Patrice still run into Kane at various events, and when those situations arise, Patrice helps Janet minimize her exposure to Kane and manage her triggers.
When characterological abuse is present, couples therapy is usually not helpful. The perpetrator is likely to sabotage the therapeutic process, because their goal is to maintain control at all costs. Coercive control should not be confused with Dominant/Submissive or 24/7 BDSM power dynamics, which all parties enter into with fully informed consent. In the case of abuse, a partner’s feelings or opportunity to consent are not taken into account, and the abusive partner demands complete obedience.
If a partner’s abusive behavior has escalated slowly and steadily, the target of abuse may not realize how bad things have become without external reality checks. And because many polyamorous people are intelligent, strong, and generally emotionally healthy, acknowledging that they may be a victim of abuse is often very hard to accept. Polyamory can be a complicating factor and a possible source of support. Having other partners outside of the perpetrator’s circles or sphere of influence can be an invaluable support, providing a reality check on the abusive partner’s behavior. These support networks can help the abused partner leave the relationship.
For all of The Big Seven causes of breakups, the two most important prevention strategies are knowing what you want in a relationship and trying to choose compatible partners.
Most people have not thought through what they really need in relationships, and as a result they don’t know what they are looking for. So it is not surprising that so many people end up not getting what they want, and that their relationships don’t always last.
For instance, how much sex do you reliably need, and what types of sex are necessary for you to feel sexually and emotionally satisfied? What are your core values around money and work, and how important is a potential partner’s financial situation, their employment, and their way of handling money? How much togetherness and emotional intimacy do you need, and how much privacy and personal control do you need over your life? How much time do you need to be alone, and how much time do you want to spend with partners? Have you been happiest living alone, living with a partner, with more than one partner, or with a group of people? Do you want children or do you want to live with children? If so, what style of child rearing do you want? Do you feel strongly about the level of cleanliness and order in your home? Are you flexible about food and meals or do you need a very specific diet or food plan?
Knowing what makes you happy will dramatically increase the likelihood that you will be a good relationship partner, that you will articulate clearly what your needs and desires are, and that you will pick compatible partners and create healthy relationships.
No one deliberately picks the wrong partners. However, we often ignore red flags that could easily alert us to potential problems, and it is best to get to know someone well enough to see these incompatibilities before committing to a serious relationship.
In the poly community, this is usually easier than for monogamists for two reasons. In the poly world, if we are considering getting involved with someone, we often know someone who has been in a relationship with that person, and can learn more about how they are in a relationship. And because they are poly, they are probably already in at least one relationship, and we may have the opportunity to see how they behave in their existing relationships, and whether they are likely to be compatible for us.
You may already be in at least one relationship, so may be less desperate then monogamous people to get involved with someone else. We poly people get some of our relationship needs met in our current relationships, so we can take our time finding appropriate partners who are compatible with us, rather than jumping into a new relationship out of loneliness or needing to get laid.