Unfortunately, many polyamorous people are looking for love in all the wrong places. Either they fall in love with a monogamist, or they pick a poly person who wants a different model of polyamory than they do. These two causes of breakups will be discussed separately, because they are two very different problems. However, they have one important component in common—they both involve the same fatal error of picking incompatible partners.
The most common reason for a polyamorous relationship to end is that one partner turns out to be a “dyed-in–the-wool” monogamist. Most polyamorous people have made this mistake at least once. Usually it starts innocently enough, especially if it is a secondary relationship, or if the relationship is not expected to be long-term. It is easy for a poly person to believe that their partner’s monogamous nature can be overlooked, as the relationship is expected to be casual or brief (or both). However, a weekend fling at a conference or a friends with benefits arrangement can unexpectedly morph into a mad, passionate love affair, which may be doomed by one person wanting monogamy and the other wanting an open relationship.
Often, the monogamous person does not realize that they have a strong need for sexual and romantic exclusivity, and they only discover this irrefutable fact through months or years of trying to accept a poly relationship and being absolutely miserable. Sometimes they already know that a monogamous relationship is ideal for them, but they mistakenly believe they can learn to cope with their partner having other relationships. Or, the monogamous partner may be convinced that their partner will eventually give up their other partners and become monogamous. Usually the polyamorous person in the relationship shares in this delusional thinking. They naively believe they can convert an innately monogamous person to the joys of polyamory, but this is rarely possible.
Sometimes both people convince themselves that their love is so powerful that it can overcome any obstacle. They repeat mantras like “I’m so in love with Regina that I know we can find a solution.” Or they practically get whiplash from vacillating wildly between statements like “I can put up with her living with Bill. I understand that she wants to stay married to him because of the children,” and then the next day declaring, “I need to demand that she leave Bill and promise to be exclusive with me,” and the next day saying, “If I just wait and let our relationship grow, she’ll realize that our love is more important, and she’ll eventually choose a monogamous relationship with me.” They repeat this painful cycle over and over again until one of them eventually realizes that there is no happy ending in sight. Usually, the monogamous partner leaves the relationship, as they realize that no matter how much they love their partner, they will never be happy sharing their beloved with anyone else.
One client is a pretty representative example of this no-win situation. Anna met Steve at a dinner party and he was everything she ever wanted in a man: kind, handsome, articulate, loving, attentive, and successful in his career. She kept telling all her friends, “He’s absolutely perfect for me in every way!” And each time her friends would respond, “Except that he’s married, and you’re a confirmed monogamist!”
Even though Anna knew she wanted a monogamous relationship, she fell madly in love with Steve. They spent many long nights “processing,” fighting over her demands for more time and attention than he could provide. She could not understand how he could be in love with her and yet continue to be committed to his wife.
Steve’s wife, Trudy, patiently supported him and his desire to make his relationship with Anna work. She volunteered to give up some of her evenings and weekends with him so he could spend more time with Anna in the hopes of satiating her need for attention and commitment. Trudy reached out to Anna by phone several times, assuring her that she wanted Anna to be happy and welcomed her into the family. However, Anna cursed at her and hung up on her whenever she called. Trudy felt she was extending an olive branch, and that she could play a helpful role in facilitating communication and being an ally to Anna. However, Anna saw Trudy’s calls as intrusive and insulting. She told Steve, “Your wife is creeping me out. Tell her to back off!” Steve finally broke up with Anna when she demanded, “Divorce your wife and marry me, or else.”
I have seen this tragic scenario play out many times, with the star-crossed lovers sometimes spending years trying every possible strategy to bridge the hopeless abyss between one person’s need for polyamory, and the other’s need for monogamy. Usually they seesaw between the monogamously oriented partner trying to tolerate their partner having other relationships, while living in constant despair and panic, and the poly partner committing to a period of strict monogamy and usually cheating. This behavior creates chaos and dysfunction in every other area of their lives, as the obsession with resolving this central relationship crisis sucks up all their time and energy. I am always struck by the intensity of their belief that their love is so important that they are willing to go through hell to try to make the relationship work, despite all evidence that it is doomed.
The same phrases have been repeated by many people in this situation. “We were meant to be together.” “I’ve been searching all my life for her/him.” “I have never felt this kind of connection with anyone before.” “We are soul mates.” “I’ve never loved anyone so much.” “I can’t imagine life without him/her.” These phrases have become eerily familiar, as I hear them so often in counseling sessions with clients who are grappling with this poly/mono dilemma. The monogamous partner usually asks me, “Isn’t there something I can do to make them happy with me so they won’t want any other lovers?” Of course the answer is no because an openness to, and affinity for, multiple partners is a core aspect of being polyamorous. And the poly partner usually says, “Can’t you train them to get over their monogamous programming and be okay with me being poly?” Again the answer is no because for monogamists, needing to be the one and only partner is a core part of their sexual and relational orientation.
These couples plead with me to provide them with a solution, and often become angry when I gently tell them that there is no magic bullet, and no path forward to resolve this basic incompatibility. They often say, “You’re supposed to be an expert on polyamory! Why can’t you tell us how to solve this?” I only wish I had a magic wand that could miraculously turn monogamists into polyamorists, or make it possible for poly people to be happy in a monogamous relationship, but unfortunately such a tool has not yet been invented.
Most of the time, one person will eventually come to their senses and end the relationship. This usually happens when they are jolted out of their denial by an external event that alerts them to the damage this unhealthy relationship is doing in their lives. For the poly person, it is often their other partner or partners who have to give them a reality check.
For instance, Kit’s primary partner, Debra, seemed increasingly distant, distracted, and exhausted because she and her boyfriend were constantly in crisis over his demands for a monogamous relationship. Kit was sick of hearing about it, and annoyed that Debra would cancel date nights with him in order to reassure her boyfriend of her love for him. Debra promised Kit to honor their date nights no matter what, to be more present with him, and turn her phone off during their time together. However, she repeatedly broke this agreement, insisting that she just had to call her boyfriend right away to resolve some relationship drama. Kit felt let down that she could not keep these basic agreements with him, and felt so mistreated and ignored that he eventually ended the relationship.
In another example, Jonathan’s boss told Jonathan that he was being put on probation because he had been on the phone too much and was coming in to work late way too often. Jonathan and his wife had been staying up at night fighting about his new girlfriend. He and the new girlfriend were constantly processing their relationship over the phone when he was at work, because she wanted him to leave his wife and he refused. As a result, Jonathan was too tired and distracted to actually do his job. When he realized his job was in jeopardy, and that his new lover would never be happy in a poly relationship, he decided it was best to break things off with her.
At the risk of stating the obvious, the only prevention is to run like hell away from any potential partner who wants a monogamous relationship. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Many monogamous people think they can handle an open relationship, but discover that it triggers horrible pain, insecurity, deprivation, low self-esteem, and abandonment issues. And when a poly person is infatuated with a delightful new crush, they are not likely to heed that little voice in their head telling them that although this may seem like true love, it will create drama and chaos. Many poly people in the throes of new love will delude themselves into thinking they can be happy in a monogamous relationship. However, they usually know from painful past experience that they will eventually feel the need for a non-monogamous relationship, and are very likely to cheat.
If this is true for you, try to be honest with yourself and your partner. And when you develop an attraction to someone, you would be wise to gently but carefully question the potential partner about their feelings around sexual and romantic exclusivity, and whether this is a bottom line need for them. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you can convert them to being poly, and be clear with them that you are not going to convert to monogamy. The painful truth is that a relationship in which partners have fundamentally different relationship styles is extremely unlikely to be successful.
There is a small subset of couples who identify as “poly-mono,” in that one partner identifies as monogamous and the other as polyamorous. They work out boundaries and agreements that make it possible for both of them to be reasonably happy. These couples have found room for compromise, but it is only because neither partner is at the extreme end of the monogamy/polyamory spectrum.
For instance, the monogamous partner may be able to “stretch” themselves and tolerate their partner having occasional short-term sexual encounters with an ex-partner, because an ex does not seem as threatening as someone new. Or they make an agreement to have only brief flings while out of town on business trips. I have worked with a number of monogamous women who were comfortable with their husbands having outside sex only with sex workers, since the transactional nature of the relationship is likely to create very clear boundaries. One lesbian couple decided that the poly partner could attend sex parties or BDSM-oriented play parties a few times a year, and have sex or do scenes with other partners at these parties.
Some monogamous partners are okay with “dating as a couple,” having a threesome together with another person, or swinging as a couple with other couples only. They often feel safer because they are present and fully participating in those experiences with their partner.
Some monogamous people are comfortable with their partner having an affectionate, “making-out” friendship with someone that does not include genital sex. Or they may be able to accept the poly partner having an internet fling with someone who lives far away, including video sex or sexting but never actually getting together in person.
These scenarios require the poly partner to significantly curtail their polyamorous activities, and to be willing to be monogamish. However, most truly monogamous people would find even these situations extremely painful and intolerable. And many polyamorous people would not be willing to accept rules that strictly limit their outside sexual and romantic relationships.
Some poly-mono couples adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy where the poly partner can have brief and/or casual sexual relationships with others but the monogamous partner doesn’t need to know about it. This often works well for gay male couples, because as a group they seem much more skilled than others at understanding the difference between sex and love, and grasping that a partner having casual sex at the baths or at a sex club is very unlikely to have any impact on their relationship.
However, a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy usually doesn’t work for heterosexual and lesbian couples. Instead, it often leads to a monogamous partner suffering from anxiety and feelings of betrayal, wondering what their partner may or may not be doing with someone else. Often they start surveilling their partner by hacking into their phone or email accounts, looking for evidence that the partner has been hooking up with other people. Usually, this eventually undermines trust and destroys the relationship.
The strategies that poly-mono couples develop to allow very limited outside relationships may feel less painful and more manageable to the monogamous partner. However, in many of these “mixed marriages,” the monogamous partner eventually decides that they need absolute sexual and romantic exclusivity and cannot tolerate their partner having any outside relationships of any kind. Some monogamous partners have acknowledged hoping that their poly partner would “sow their wild oats and get it out of their system,” and that the poly person would eventually “settle down and be monogamous with me.” Often the polyamorous partner believes that over time their monogamous partner will become more comfortable with an open relationship. It’s also common for the poly person to find the agreements or limits too constraining and eventually demand more freedom. Either way, the relationship is unlikely to survive, as one partner or both people become increasingly unhappy.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is demanding monogamy, but neither of you can bear the idea of ending the relationship, a few sessions of couples’ counseling may be helpful. A therapist who has expertise in polyamory can help you both talk through what you each need and want in a relationship, and can help you decide if there is any way of making your relationship work. A therapist or marriage counselor is an objective third party who may be able to help clarify whether or not there is any compromise that will make you both happy.