Polyamory_Breakup_-_Interior_JW

Chapter Eight:

Different Strokes for Different Folks: When Partners Want Incompatible Models of Open Relationship

Many poly relationships end because of incompatible relationship models. There is an infinite variety of open-relationship models, as every person can customize their relationship style to suit their needs. While this is one of the strengths of polyamory, it can lead to heartache if you pick partners who want a different model than you do.

Most non-monogamous relationships fall into one of three broad categories, with many variations on each one: the primary/secondary model, the multiple primary partners model, and the multiple non-primary partners model. Each of these three models is mutually exclusive, so picking partners who want the same model is key to the success of the relationship.

The Primary/Secondary Model

By far, the most commonly practiced form of open relationship is the primary/secondary model. This is where a person is married or living with someone in a primary relationship, and any other relationships are considered secondary. This doesn’t mean that they don’t love or care about other partners, it just means that they will prioritize the primary couple relationship over all others. Many people find this model has the security and predictability of marriage combined with the freedom to pursue outside sexual partners.

The Multiple Primary Partners Model

There are many variations on this second model, from group marriages where all partners live together as a family, to triads, where one person has primary relationships with two separate people. There is also relationship anarchy, where any partner can develop any type of relationships with any number of partners. Most of these multiple primary partner models include three or more people in a primary relationship in which all members are equal partners. Instead of a couple having priority and control in the relationship, all relationships are considered primary. Each partner has equal power to negotiate for what they want in the relationship in terms of time, commitment, living situation, financial arrangements, sex, and other issues. However, some multiple primary partner relationships include one person who is considered the alpha, that is, they are considered “more primary” than any other partner. Some group marriages practice “polyfidelity,” where they live together as a family and are sexually exclusive within the family.

The Multiple Non-Primary Partners Model

Some poly people are not looking for a committed relationship, so they prefer to remain single but participate in more than one less committed relationship. Open relationships can offer intimacy, companionship, love, and sexual satisfaction without the constraints of a primary relationship. This model works best for people who have a serious, all-consuming commitment to something other than relationships. For instance, people who seek multiple non-primary relationships are often people who are very busy with their careers, devoted to creating art or music, single parents raising children alone, on a very intense spiritual path, or full-time political activists.

Identifying Your Ideal Poly Model Can Require Some Trial and Error

Unfortunately, most poly people have to go through a few disastrous relationships with people who want an incompatible model of polyamory before they figure out which model works best for them. And to complicate matters further, some people find different models of polyamory satisfying at different developmental stages of their lives. So the model you need may change over the years, and you may find that you are no longer compatible with one or all of your partners.

For instance, many younger couples are extremely busy and focused on building careers and having children. During that period of their lives they may prefer to have one primary relationship and keep other relationships casual. When they get a little older, one person in the couple may have the time and interest in developing more serious outside relationships or even adding an additional primary relationship. Their partner may find this threatening because that doesn’t match their existing primary/secondary model of polyamory.

Other people experience the opposite trajectory. When they are young, they have high libido and lots of energy for passionate love relationships with more than one partner, so they may be happiest with relationship anarchy or multiple primary partners. As they get older, they may want to settle down with one person, marry, and build a life with them, limiting outside relationships to casual sex or secondary relationships. However, the partner they want to marry may still want to continue having multiple serious relationships.

While there are many different scenarios, each with their specific array of problems, these are the two most common incompatible models:

One person in the relationship wants a primary/secondary model and the other wants to have multiple primaries
One person in the relationship wants an “inclusive” model such as polyfidelity or a group marriage and the other person wants a more “compartmentalized” model such as relationship anarchy or a V triad

In the first scenario, the couple has been operating on the primary/secondary model, and agreed that any outside relationship would be secondary in terms of time and importance. One partner has a strong need to be the alpha, and they feel betrayed by their partner demoting them by bringing another primary relationship into the constellation.

A person who needs to be the alpha often cannot accept another primary into the family, and may feel hurt and angry because this is not what they signed up for. The agreed-upon boundary was that any outside relationship would be secondary. However, one partner has unexpectedly fallen in love with a secondary partner, and insists on a major change without their partner’s consent.

Usually the pre-existing primary partner will respond in one of three ways: leave the relationship, sabotage the other primary relationship, or demand that their partner end the other relationship. Often, the person at the V point of this triad is in a no-win position. The newer partner feels they are always going to be less important, and may demand recognition and equal power, and the pre-existing partner might insist on maintaining their position as primary. It can be extremely challenging to find a way for both partners to feel loved and valued.

For example, Ron and David had lived together for 12 years. They had a beautiful beach house on the Florida coast that they had fixed up and turned into a bed and breakfast for LGBT tourists. David and his boyfriend, Jesse, had been lovers for six years, and spent a few nights a week together. Jesse and Ron were also friends, and the three of them often socialized and spent holidays together. Jesse was a retired teacher and he often volunteered a lot of hours to help out at the bed and breakfast during the busy season. David and Jesse were committed to each other and came to consider their relationship primary. Ron felt very threatened by this and felt he was being replaced. He insisted that David “de-escalate” the relationship and relegate it to secondary. Jesse was hurt that Ron felt so hostile towards him, and wanted David to stand up for him and for their relationship. Both partners threatened to leave David if their demands were not met.

The three of them went to counseling together for several months. The therapist was able to help Ron express his fear that David would leave him for Jesse. And Jesse was able to explain that he wanted to be seen as more than the “boy toy on the side,” and be taken seriously as a bona fide partner. He felt he had worked hard for six years to earn Ron’s trust, and wanted to be respected by him as David’s other partner. David reassured Ron that he was fully committed to maintaining their primary relationship, and was not going to leave him for Jesse. And Ron was able to recognize Jesse’s status as a permanent member of the family. They decided together that Jesse would move into a separate apartment in their home, and would buy into the bed and breakfast as a business partner.

Sometimes a dilemma can be resolved by identifying the newer person as a primary relationship, while the pre-existing relationship is defined as “more primary,” or “alpha.”

It may seem linguistically confusing to say there can be more than one primary partner, since, to most people, primary means “first” or “number one.” However, the reality is that many poly people are in love with one person and are in a committed primary relationship, but also do fall in love with a new person, and also identify the newer relationship as primary. There are some situations where the new person is considered equal to the pre-existing relationship, and sometimes that is known as having “dual co-primaries.”

Such labels recognize that the newer relationship is a long-term, committed relationship, is important and valued, and that the newer partner has status and rights. However, it is also usually acknowledged that the longer history and ongoing commitment of the pre-existing relationship has more “seniority,” and that the pre-existing partner has some additional priority.

Sometimes this distinction makes sense because in the pre-existing relationship, the couple is already living together, they may be legally married, have children together, own a home together, share finances, or have otherwise integrated their lives in ways that are not part of the newer relationship. Even if the newer relationship involves spending a lot of time together and even living together part-time, the pre-existing relationship may be given more time and the pre-existing partner may continue to have more control over major decisions.

Unfortunately, this mismatch of models often leads to a poly breakup. The conflict is often not just a matter of semantics, but rather about a basic differences in relationship orientation. One person in the relationship sees the couple as the basic unit of the poly family, with any other relationship a satellite revolving around that couple. The other person in the pre-existing relationship has developed a serious commitment to an outside partner, and wants that relationship to be recognized as important. They may feel that the outside partner should have additional decision-making power and play a larger role in their life. It is often impossible to find enough common ground to resolve this conflict.

Sometimes the outside partner bails out of the relationship because they are tired of feeling powerless and fighting for a place at the table. For instance, Stephanie lived alone but was already in a committed relationship with Jason when she met Sanford and fell in love with him. Because Jason was considered primary, he often set limits to how often Stephanie could see Sanford. Jason sometimes called Stephanie during her dates with Sanford and needed a lot of reassurance, sometimes even demanding that she cancel dates with Sanford when he wanted her to spend time with him instead. When Stephanie wanted to go away for a one-night trip with Sanford, Jason vetoed it. She tried to negotiate with Jason to give Sanford more time and more priority than before, but Jason felt too threatened by Stephanie having strong feelings for another man. Feeling frustrated that their relationship seemed to depend on Jason’s approval and could be disrupted or changed at any time, Sanford reluctantly ended the relationship with Stephanie.

Sometimes the pre-existing partner leaves because they cannot accept a major change in the terms of the relationship and they feel displaced from their cherished role as the primary partner. Peggy and her husband, Kenneth, reached a crisis point after his once-a-week dates with his girlfriend, Nona, started to expand to two nights a week and every other weekend. He started taking weekend trips with Nona and even opened a joint bank account with her. He announced one day that he and Nona had become primary, and that he wanted to tell all their friends and family members that he was in love with Nona and that she was now a co-primary. Peggy refused to accept this, explaining, “I don’t feel like part of a couple anymore. You’ve thrown our poly agreements out the window. You’re making decisions without me and don’t care about how I feel.”

Kenneth said he had tried for months to involve Peggy in these decisions, but that she would not take Nona’s needs into consideration. Peggy responded, “You are not giving me any control over these decisions, you’re just bullying me into doing whatever you want. I am spending weekends all alone with the kids and the housework while you spend all weekend drinking and partying with her. And you are putting some of your paycheck into a bank account with her instead putting that money towards providing for our family.” Kenneth would not reconsider, so Peggy filed for divorce.

Here is another very common incompatible poly model: One person wants a much more “inclusive” model such as polyfidelity, or a group marriage, or everybody’s partners spending a lot of time together as a group. The other person wants a more compartmentalized model such as relationship anarchy or multiple—but completely separate—primary relationships.

In this scenario, one partner is trying to build a group marriage with a triad or a larger group who will all live together as a family, be sexually exclusive within the group, and be equally committed to everyone in the family. The other person wants to be independent of any family structure and to allow each relationship to evolve organically and rise to its own level. Sometimes this involves a conflict between the all-inclusive “one-big-happy-metamour-family” model and a model where each relationship is more private and separate.

For example, Erica and Christine lived together and had two children. Erica frequently wanted her other lover, Jorge, to spend weekends at their house hanging out with them, watching movies, going to the park with the kids, cooking meals, etc. Christine resented Jorge “intruding” on their family time and their “quality time” together on weekends. Erica often suggested that Christine invite her lover, Jane, to come over for dinners and go to social events together. Christine only wanted to spend time over at Jane’s apartment, where they could have privacy and their relationship could grow and deepen without having to include Erica and the kids.

This caused a lot of conflict in Christine and Erica’s relationship, as they had such different ideas of the ideal poly relationship. Jorge was convinced that Christine didn’t like him and was trying to sabotage his and Erica’s relationship. Christine insisted that she did not dislike him, but told Erica that, “I never promised to be best friends with your boyfriend, and I resented him always being around when I want some time with you.”

Jorge had grown up in a large extended family in Guatemala, and he explained that socializing together and being a part of Erica’s family felt a lot like his childhood family. He thought Christine was unfriendly and self-centered by excluding him.

Jorge extended an olive branch by suggesting a compromise. He would take the kids on an outing every Saturday afternoon and evening, to a matinee movie and out for pizza, or to a ball game or bowling. Christine and Erica could have the afternoon to do errands together, do projects together at home, and have Saturday nights for just the two of them. Then on Sunday, Jorge would spend the day with them and the kids at their home. He and Erica would continue to have their date night on Tuesday evenings at his apartment. It wasn’t perfect, but Christine felt grateful to Jorge for understanding her needs, as well as helping with the kids, so she was willing to try it.

Different relationship models are generally mutually exclusive, because there is just not enough overlap in each person’s vision of the “right” way to do polyamory. As a result, competing relationship models often create such conflict that the relationship will eventually collapse. Sometimes a creative approach like Jorge’s can bridge the gap and satisfy enough of each person’s needs that a solution can be found.

Prevention Strategies

Know what model of relationship you want and choose partners who want the same. This requires carefully thinking about what your relationship needs are, what kind of past relationships have made you happy, and what has made you miserable. Using this data from your past relationship experiences, you may be able to predict which model of open relationship is most likely to work for you. To identify your preferred model, ask yourself some tough questions. How much security do you need to feel safe in a relationship? Do you need to feel that you’re “number one,” or can you share that priority with other lovers? How much privacy and personal freedom do you need in order to feel comfortable? Have you been happiest living alone, living with one person, or with a group? What has pushed your buttons or been a deal-breaker in past relationships? How much time and energy do you need from partners? What level of time and commitment are you able to devote to relationships?

Some people find they can only answer these questions after trying one or more models of polyamory and discovering what their needs and limits really are. If you decide you need to experiment with different poly models, try to avoid making serious commitments that could lead to disastrous consequences if you have guessed wrong.

For instance, Javier lived in rural New Mexico, and he believed that the multiple primary partners model was right for him. He fell in love with Rhonda and Diego after initially meeting them at a munch, an intro level BDSM event, in Albuquerque, 100 miles away. After spending every weekend with them for about six months, he quit his job, sold his home, and moved into their condo. He discovered that he hated urban life and living in their small, crowded apartment. He missed having privacy and alone time. And he really missed being near his extended family. Rhonda and Diego’s bickering started to escalate and become more constant, often prompting him to be the peacemaker, a role that rapidly grew tedious. He felt shut out of their emotional intimacy, because they had such a strong bond as a couple even when they were fighting. He had also taken a pay cut in his eagerness to find a job in Albuquerque, but living in the city was more expensive, creating financial stress.

All this made Javier wonder whether he had picked the wrong poly model. Would he be happier in a primary/secondary model, where he felt more valued and was given more time and attention, or where he had more control over decisions? He was distraught that he had given up his job, house, and family for what looked increasingly like a doomed relationship.

Rhonda could see that Javier was not happy, and at her insistence, they went to family counseling as a triad. They decided to sell their condo and buy a house about halfway between Albuquerque and Javier’s previous home. It was in a much more rural area, and only a 30-minute drive from most of Javier’s relatives. Being able to participate fully in these decisions about moving and being a co-owner of their new home made him feel like an equal partner in the relationship. He was able to get his old job back and even got a raise, because in his absence, his employer became aware how valuable he had been to the company. Rhonda and Diego’s arguments subsided, since they now had a lot more space, and everyone had more privacy, reducing tensions. Luckily, Javier had not chosen the wrong model of polyamory, but the relationship needed some fine-tuning in order to meet everyone’s needs.

Many such tales do not have a happy ending. For instance, Timothy and his ex-wife, Belinda, lived in adjacent apartments in a small building in Los Angeles. Timothy had always wanted a poly relationship and while married had started a relationship with May, a poly single mother of a young son. Belinda knew she was monogamous, and as a result, she and Timothy amicably divorced. He moved into the apartment next door so they could easily share custody of their two small sons. Timothy managed the apartment building in exchange for free rent.

But Timothy and May agreed on a multiple primary partners model of polyamory, and she persuaded him to move to an intentional community that was connected with their meditation practice, which was about a four-hour drive north. Belinda felt abandoned that Timothy would not be there to share custody of the children, who felt very angry and hurt by his sudden disappearance. He drove back to visit the kids for a few days every month, trying to sustain the relationship without taking too much time away from May. He devoted his time to helping May raise her son, and worked in the intentional community managing and doing repairs on buildings, as he had done in his previous apartment building.

Both he and May had a few outside lovers, but each relationship was short-lived. However, after about a year, May fell in love with Jake, who lived in the intentional community, and Timothy discovered that he was not able to accept another primary partner into the family. May wanted Jake to move in with them and be “another daddy” to her son. She reminded Timothy that they had agreed to the multiple primary partners model. But Timothy now knew he needed to be the only primary. They split up, and Jake moved in with May and her son. Timothy was so hurt that he could no longer stand living in this small intentional community and seeing May with Jake every day. He went back to LA to be near his kids, but by this time they had grown accustomed to living with Belinda full-time and wanted little to do with him. He had spent all his savings by moving and supporting May and her son, so he was broke and unemployed. He couch-surfed with various friends for nearly a year, until he was finally able to find a part-time job, and eventually found a living situation where he could again manage a building in exchange for free rent.

He regretted that he had agreed to a multiple primary partner model of polyamory with May and had moved so far away from his children, as well as giving up free rent. In retrospect, he felt it would have made more sense to go slowly and try out different poly models to see what worked for him, and to see if he and May would be compatible, before making such big life changes.

Are You Happier with an Inclusive Model or More Compartmentalization of Your Relationships?

In trying to decide what model is best for you, think about how much “overlap” you would ideally like in your relationships. Do you prefer each relationship to be very separate and private, or do you enjoy spending a lot of time with more than one partner at the same time? What kind of relationship, if any, do you want to have with your partners’ other lovers? Some people describe the “one big poly family” approach as the inclusive model. Keeping each relationship more separate is sometimes called the compartmentalized model. There is a wide spectrum of preferences between these two extremes, and most people fall somewhere along that continuum. None of these options are right or wrong, as there is no one right way to do poly relationships. For most people, it takes some practice to discover how much inclusivity works for them, and how much compartmentalization they prefer for each relationship.

For example, Howard unintentionally stumbled into a poly relationship. He was living with Marina when he fell head over heels in love with Tasha, a community organizer he met through their mutual political activism. He admits, “I had no idea what I was doing, and I lied to Marina because I assumed she would leave me if she knew I was sleeping with Tasha. Of course she found out because she saw a photo of a protest march on Facebook, and there we were with our arms around each other. She wanted to end things, and I pleaded with her to try an open relationship. I felt convinced that she would really like Tasha since they were both strong feminists and brilliant, dynamic women.”

Marina agreed to try it, but she didn’t like Tasha and didn’t trust her because “she had been sleeping with my boyfriend for three months behind my back, and was complicit in all the lies he was telling me. I tried to like her and to hang out with them both together, but couldn’t get past my anger and feeling like she made a fool of me.”

Howard really wanted them all to spend time together, because they were all involved in the same community and had friends in common. Marina felt that she “should” like Tasha and be her friend. She felt especially guilty for refusing to let Tasha spend New Year’s Eve with them. Howard was upset because Tasha would be all alone while he and Marina were out partying and having a great time. But Marina knew that it would be uncomfortable and unpleasant spending several hours with Howard and Tasha at a club drinking and ringing in the New Year, and she could not imagine it would be any fun for Tasha either.

Marina went to a workshop on polyamory, and during the question and answer period at the end she said, “My boyfriend is telling me I’m a bad metamour, whatever that is, because I don’t want his other girlfriend horning in on our New Year’s Eve plans that we made six months ago before she was even in the picture. Am I just being a selfish bitch, or do I have a right to have that holiday with him?” She was relieved when the presenter explained, “It’s totally up to you whether you want to have any kind of friendship or contact with your partner’s other lover. She’s his girlfriend, not yours, and you have no responsibility towards her, except to be civil if you run into each other, and to not sabotage their relationship.”

Marina felt that her feelings were being validated, and she was glad she had trusted her instinct, that she just did not want to be friends with Tasha or socialize with her. Someone at the workshop suggested that Howard could spend New Year’s Eve with one partner, and New Year’s Day with the other, or spend the evening with one and the night with the other, so no one would feel completely left out. Marina negotiated with Howard so she and Tasha could each have part of New Year’s Eve with him, and added, “I accept your relationship with Tasha, and I respect Tasha and wish her well. But I don’t want a relationship with her, and I want to keep our relationship separate.”

Tasha expressed gratitude that she would not be all alone on New Year’s Eve, and she admitted that she really preferred to have Howard all to herself for a shorter amount of time rather than suffer through a long and awkward night of the three of them socializing together. It turned out that she also favored the compartmentalized model of polyamory, but Howard had been pushing the more inclusive model so she thought she should try to adapt to that.

Many people make the mistake of choosing a model they think they should want, either some ideal poly lifestyle they’ve read about in a book, or a model being proposed by a partner, rather than what will actually work for them in the real world. Try to be honest with yourself and your partners about your needs and desires, rather than trying to fit into someone else’s poly model.