As a counselor working with lots of people in all types of open relationships, I am acutely aware that not all poly relationships live happily ever after. In fact, most poly people go through a number of relationships, with some epic ups and downs, which often end badly. Most will eventually develop a strong relationship skill set, learn to pick appropriate partners, and figure out which model of open relationship works for them. Of course, some people never learn, and seem determined to indefinitely repeat the same mistakes. For most poly people, there is usually a steep learning curve that includes finding out the hard way how much time and energy they can devote to sex and relationships, and how many partners they can realistically juggle.
Meanwhile, it seems inevitable that there will be some extremely intense and painful breakups, which usually create more suffering than most people bargain for. Over the years, I have heard many people express shock and dismay at just how horribly painful these poly breakups turn out to be, and how long the healing process seems to take. The ending of any sexual or romantic relationship is bound to be painful, but a poly breakup creates its own unique set of challenges and complications.
This book is not a scientific study, and the data is primarily anecdotal. Because people seeking counseling are usually experiencing challenges and pain in their relationships, I was concerned that my sample might not be representative of open relationships in general. To get a broader view, I have done extensive interviews with poly people about their personal experiences of the dissolution of one or more polyamorous relationship(s). I interviewed 45 people from all over the US, as well as a few people in Europe and Asia, in order to get as wide a cross section as possible. Each interview was about three hours long, and I mercilessly interrogated each person about every aspect of their relationship from start to finish, as well as the aftermath of the breakup. While there are no hard statistics, there is a lot of information, and this book outlines my most-educated guesses based on the interviews and a few decades of counseling poly people through their breakups.
This book starts with a brief discussion of common assumptions about relationships and about breaking up, and explores how those beliefs affect our experience when a relationship ends. We are living in a society where monogamy is seen as the norm and marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, even though there is infidelity in the majority of marriages, and more than half of all marriages end in divorce. These somewhat unrealistic expectations also affect people in polyamorous relationships, and as a result, most poly people have some beliefs that may not be appropriate or useful in a polyamorous lifestyle.
The next part of the book is focused on the most common causes of poly breakups. About half of these relationships end due to causes that have nothing to do with the polyamorous nature of the relationship. Rather, they are caused by one (or more) of seven “garden variety” incompatibilities. These are the same reasons that people in monogamous relationships break up: sexual problems, incompatibility around money, domestic issues, conflicts over autonomy and intimacy, drug and alcohol addiction, untreated mental health conditions, and anger problems leading to verbal or physical abuse. This section also covers how pre-existing incompatibilities in one of these seven areas can be further intensified in an open relationship, as well as outlining some prevention strategies that can help sustain poly relationships.
The next section of the book tackles the other half of poly breakups, those in which some aspect of polyamory is the root cause of the breakup. Four key causes are addressed: a polyamorous person falling in love with a committed monogamist, picking partners who want a different model of open relationship than you do, poor management of time and energy, and, last but definitely not least, jealousy. Strategies for preventing these problems and reducing the risk of a relationship ending due to a polyamory-related cause are discussed.
The final section of the book provides coping strategies for surviving the ending of an open relationship. These include ways of taking care of yourself while grieving the loss of a relationship, sustaining any remaining relationships, learning what you can about yourself and relationships, and handling the reactions of friends and family members. The final two chapters discuss possibilities for increasing the likelihood of less painful breakups, the potential for transitioning from a romantic relationship to some form of friendship, and some thoughts about future relationships.
This book assumes a moderate amount of knowledge about open relationships. If someone is reading this book, they are probably already involved in a poly relationship or, sadly, have already experienced a poly breakup. Many existing books can provide an excellent tutorial on open relationships, including The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, Stories From the Polycule, Opening Up, Polyamory in the 21st Century, and my previous books, Love in Abundance and The Jealousy Workbook.