Dearest Sarah, my love,
All mothers are proud. One day you will know that for yourself. Every one of us believes that our child is the most beautiful there has ever been. That does not mean that it is not true. When I first saw you, nearly three years ago now, my heart leapt. You were perfect. I was so thankful for you, and I have been thankful every day since. You can be moody, of course; I expected that from my little girl! You have the gift of a charming nature, though, my darling. You can make anyone do anything when you choose to smile. When you are playing, all I want to do is sit and watch you, for ever.
[The ink is smudged on the lilac paper. The writing is shaky.]
When you read this, you will know that was not possible. I am sorry, my angel – more sorry than I can say here – that I will not be with you as you grow. At least, not in this body that I occupy now. It hurts, Sarah, this body, but the pain is nothing compared to the pain I feel now as I think about my little one getting bigger without me.
I am afraid, my precious. I am afraid to die, although I know I am going to a place without pain. There will be no more crying. I will hold the hand of my Lord. Is it so wrong to say that I would rather hold the hand of my child?
I am not afraid for you. I know you are strong and clever and resourceful, and you will look life in the eye and rise to every challenge. I have faith in you, my Sarah. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I will be watching over you, praying for you. Delighting in you. I know that your father will give you all that he can, all that he has. Be patient with him, he loves you as passionately as I do. You were born from the love we shared: you came out of the bright burning love that was between us from the moment we met, and that will not die even though I must, apparently. Take care of my man for me, please. Woman to the woman you will be. He will need you. I am with you both.
As you grow, Sarah, you will be challenged by the world. You will make mistakes and feel like a failure. You will feel sad and lonely. Have faith, my darling. Never give up. Trust in the Lord, but trust in yourself. You are enough. You have all that you need inside you. Remember that, above all. Your life is a miracle to me, a gift more precious than I can say. May it be the same to you. You are my daughter and always will be, Sarah Hallelujah Jones, beautiful and proud and strong.
Love, for ever,
Mummy xxx