Tonight will be my first official night without Alison. I’m only mildly freaking out.
Okay, a lot freaking out.
She’s only six weeks old, and it feels like it’s too soon, but the longer I wait, the harder it’s going to be if I don’t rip off the Band-Aid and trust she’ll be okay without me for one night. Plus, it’s Maddie’s 20th birthday, so it’s the perfect opportunity to practice for when I go back to work. I know she mostly sleeps and eats right now anyway, but it doesn’t stop the mom guilt.
I pump every day, so I know I have plenty of milk for her, but that didn’t stop me from checking her diaper bag fifty times to make sure I packed everything before I dropped her off at Mrs. Locke’s house.
Hunter was so sweet and encouraging, telling me it was time I got out of the house and learned to socialize again. Okay, sweet might not be the right word; rather, he mocked me and said I needed to wear real clothes again.
So here I am at the bar for Maddie’s birthday celebration and ordering my first alcoholic drink in almost a year.
“Better be drinking that one for me,” Maddie taunts when I return to our table. “I can’t believe I have another year before I can legally drink.”
“Don’t be in such a rush to grow up,” Sophie says, typing out a text. “After twenty-one, it all goes downhill anyway.”
“Well, that’s encouraging.” Maddie chuckles.
I snort at the irony, considering neither of us really has our shit together. Sophie’s been dating Weston for almost two months, and things are getting pretty serious.
“I just want to be old enough to buy my own drinks and graduate college. Then time can freeze,” Maddie quips. “Also, didn’t we say no texting tonight, Soph?” she scolds her, reaching over the table for Sophie’s phone.
“I’m not! Okay, wait hold on. I’m almost done. It’s Weston. He’ll be mad if I don’t respond,” she states as if she’s picking her words carefully.
“He’ll get mad?” I repeat. “He knows you’re out with us tonight, so why is he bothering you anyway?”
She blinks up at us, then shrugs. “Okay, you’re right.” She locks her phone, then shoves it into her clutch. Sophie grabs her glass, then holds it up. “Time to celebrate!”
I hold up my drink, and Maddie holds up her virgin piña colada. We clink our glasses together, and then I take a large sip.
“Okay, time to dance!” Maddie announces, then bounces out of her seat. Her roommate, Erin, and another girl show up to party too. For the next two hours, Sophie and I dance with Maddie and her friends, and I take full advantage of ordering alcoholic drinks.
“Why didn’t we invite the guys out tonight?” Sophie asks when we finally take a break and head to the bar.
“Maddie said girls’ night only, and Hunter had plans anyway,” I say, trying to catch my breath. I don’t think I’ve danced that much since spring break three years ago.
“Ooh, what kind of plans?” She arches a brow.
“Some work thing. He said there was a new client he had to schmooze,” I half-ass explain.
“A new client, huh? A woman client?” she asks after the bartender takes our orders.
“Yeah, actually, it is a woman.” I pinch my lips together.
“Where were they going?”
“He said she’s staying at the Five Seasons, and they were meeting there for dinner and drinks.”
Sophie pops a brow. “That sounds like a date, Lennon.”
“He’d tell me if he was going on a date,” I argue. At least I think he would.
“How long do you expect him to wait for you?” Sophie asks once we grab our glasses, then walk back to our table where it’s quieter. “I know you have feelings for him.” She takes a sip, keeping her eyes locked on mine over the rim. “You can’t let guilt and fear control your life forever. Before you know it, he’ll have moved on for good, and you’ll be the one left brokenhearted.”
Sophie’s words are like a knife twisting in my heart. I know she’s genuine and wants me to be happy, but she can’t possibly know how I feel. Between losing Brandon and having his baby to kissing Hunter and feeling things for him that scare the shit out of me, I’m conflicted on what the right thing is. It feels too soon to move on, but if Brandon’s tragic accident has taught me anything, it’s that life is too short.
“You really think he’s ready to date?” I painfully ask, not sure I want the answer to that. It’s something I’ve always considered, knowing he won’t be content living with Alison and me forever. But the thought of him falling for someone else suddenly makes me want to vomit.
“I know he wants you, Lennon, but I also know Hunter has a big heart and a lot to offer. It wouldn’t surprise me if another woman was after him,” she says bluntly. “Even if he isn’t on a date right now, the fact that you’re scared of it being a possibility should be enough for you to realize it’s time to make a decision. Are you going to keep him in the friend zone forever because you’re scared, or are you going to follow your heart before it’s too late? How would you feel if he was on a date right now?”
A punch right to the gut.
That’s how it’d feel.
“When did you get so sentimental?” I ask, wiping away the tears in my eyes before they can fall.
“If the thought of losing him makes you this emotional, what’s gonna happen when he actually is ready to move on with his life, and he starts dating again or finds someone serious?”
“I think…” I pause, my mind spinning in both directions. “I’d be heartbroken.”
Sophie nods with an I told you so smirk. “So why are you fighting it? Hasn’t he proven to you time and time again how much he loves you? How he’s always gonna be there for not only you but for Allie too. How the thought of him moving on is putting you in a panic right now. C’mon, Lennon...say it…” she encourages with a taunting smirk.
I inhale a deep breath, my heart racing as the liquor buzzes through me. “I’m in love with him.”
Holy shit.
The weight of admitting that feels like a thousand bricks off my shoulders.
“There’s my girl!” Sophie cheers loudly, though no one around us even seems to notice over the music of the dance floor. “Now, when are you going to tell him?”
My shoulders fall, and I slouch against my seat. “What if he’s changed his mind? He confessed his feelings to me months ago. What if he feels differently now?”
Sophie snaps her fingers in front of my face as if to pull me out of a haze. “Have you lost your damn mind? I know you had a baby and all, but did your brain go to mush?”
I slap her hand away and glare, but I know she’s right. It’s the same thing my parents have been saying for weeks.
I can’t let fear keep me from admitting what I feel because I know I’d have nobody but myself to blame if I lost him. How long can I push him away before he realizes he deserves better? Deserves to be loved? I know my insecurities are fueling my apprehension right now, but it’s all I can think about. So much has changed since that night months ago, and I don’t know if he’s been waiting for me all this time, or if we’re in friend-zone territory for good.
“What the hell? You two ditched me!” Maddie scolds the second she sits down with a glass of water, then chugs it.
“Lennon is having a freak-out moment about Hunter,” Sophie explains casually. “I’m talking her off the ledge.”
“Ooh yes, boy talk. Keep going,” she encourages with a smile. “Are you finally admitting you want to bone him six ways to Sunday?”
“Maddie!” Sophie shouts.
I surrender. “Well...she’s not wrong.” My heart pounds as I admit that out loud for the first time. I feel goose bumps on my arms and wonder how I’ll face him later after having this conversation with my sisters.
Maddie chuckles. “About damn time. Holy shit. So when are you gonna tell him?”
“It’s not that easy,” I say, lowering my eyes. “So much has changed since that first night we met. I’m no longer a careless college student. My life isn’t just about me anymore.”
“And I know, without a doubt, Hunter loves you and Allie,” Sophie states.
I look at both of them with a serious face. “Did you know stretch marks are forever? Those magical creams are all bullshit. My body looks like a damn road map.”
Sophie’s expression softens. “Is that what you’re so worried about, Lennon? That he’s going to judge your body or not like what he sees? You’re worried he won’t want you anymore?”
I shrug. “Yes, kinda. It’s only been six weeks since I had Alison, and things haven’t exactly gone back to normal. Let’s not forget the fact I haven’t had sex in almost a year. My vagina would probably scare him away,” I say, feeling defeated.
Sophie snorts, then chuckles.
“You know I’m right. He was attracted to sexy, tight body Lennon. Now my boobs leak, I’m in bed by eight p.m., and I’m a walking zombie between getting up with the baby and breastfeeding. He probably thinks he dodged a bullet now.” I slump back, and the reality of my words hit me in full force.
“Are you done with the pity party now?” Sophie deadpans. “Hunter loves you,” she states matter-of-factly. “You love him too, and even if you’re too scared to admit how much he really means to you, you two are good for each other. The question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to let your own insecurities get in the way of being happy again?”
“It hasn’t even been a year since Brandon died,” I say. “Alison looks so much like him; it’s a constant reminder he’s not here, and how much I miss him every single day.”
“Lennon…” Her voice softens. “I know how much you two loved each other. Everyone who knew you guys could see it. But you can’t stop living your life and wondering about the what-ifs. Brandon wouldn’t want that, and you can’t allow yourself to think otherwise. Hunter was his best friend. Brandon would approve; I know he would.”
I don’t realize I’m crying until I taste the salty tears on my lips.
“A part of me knows that, Soph.” I wipe my cheeks. “I feel like I can maybe accept that, but now I’m scared of rejection. What if this changes everything, and our friendship ends? I don’t know that I could live with myself for ruining things between Hunter and me.”
“That’s a risk you’re gonna have to take, but I honestly don’t think you have anything to worry about. It’s time. Let yourself love again, Lennon. You deserve it all.”
“I know I’m not a love expert or anything,” Maddie chimes in, “but if I had a guy look at me with even half the amount of longing as Hunter looks at you with, I’d propose to him in a heartbeat. You two have gone through a lot together, and no one that matters will think you’re moving on too soon or shame you for following your heart.”
“I think I’d really be devastated if he started dating someone or moved on because I couldn’t admit how I really felt, and hell, that scares the shit out of me,” I concede.
“Loving someone else doesn’t take away how you felt about Brandon or what you two had, Lennon. Just remember that.” Sophie reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “He would want you to move on and be happy. Now it’s up to you.”
I nod, wiping my cheek when another tear falls. “You’re right. You both are.”
“Hell yeah, we are!” Maddie is the soberest drunk I’ve ever met.
“Will you be upset if I leave early, Mads?”
“I’d be upset if you didn’t!” We both stand, and she gives me a big hug. “Please give us an update.”
“Tomorrow,” Sophie adds. “Not like during anything, okay?”
“Ew,” I say with a chuckle. “You two are freaks.”
I finally leave the bar and grab an Uber since I’ve had a few drinks. Though my adrenaline has now taken over more than the alcohol. During the ride to the Five Seasons, my nerves are in overdrive, and my heart’s beating hard, making me anxious. I don’t want to interrupt his meeting, but this can’t wait. Not while I have the courage to finally tell him.
I’m in love with Hunter.
As soon as I arrive, I make my way inside and easily find the restaurant. It’s dark and romantic in the seating area, and then there’s a bar that wraps around. Before I left tonight, I noticed he was wearing nice clothes—black slacks and a button-up—and he’d even trimmed his facial hair.
Shit. That sounds like a guy going on a date.
No. Push those thoughts out, Lennon.
Blinking, I look around and start wondering if he’s already left. That means he could really only be in two places.
At home.
In this woman’s hotel room.
My chest rises and falls as my breathing becomes erratic, and I know I’m being irrational. Hunter said this was a work thing, not a—
Scratch that. He’s at the bar. With a gorgeous woman.
She’s in a black slinky dress that fits her like a glove. Dark brown hair, straight and down to her waist. Her legs are crossed and pointed toward Hunter, who’s smiling and talking as she leans into him with her hand wrapped around his bicep. I notice the way his eyes light up at whatever they’re discussing, and there’s no way this is work-related.
Oh my God.
I’m a fucking fool.
My stomach turns, and I walk away before I’m forced to watch them make out or something.
Idiot.
I want to hit myself in the head and knock some sense into my stupid brain for thinking he’d wait for me all this time. Smack myself for ignoring my heart.
Maybe the hangover in the morning will torture me enough to block out this entire night.
As I wait for another Uber, I send a group text to my sisters.
Lennon: I was too late.
Sophie: What? Are you sure?
Maddie: No way! What happened?
Lennon: His “work thing” was a hot date. She’s all over him, and he didn’t look like he was hating it.
Sophie: Lennon, I’m so sorry. Come back to the bar so we can mend your wounds the right way.
Maddie: Yes! Please!
Lennon: I’d rather mend them with a bottle of wine and cry about my pathetic love life in bed.
Sophie: You really wanna be alone right now? Let us help you through this.
Maddie: I’ll even let you wear the Birthday Girl crown! C’mon!
I push back my tears and snort at Maddie’s last message.
Lennon: Okay. I want SHOTS, you hear? Lots and lots.
Anything to take this fucking pain away.
It’s after one when Sophie brings me home. She stopped drinking so she could take care of me. She’s such a great sister.
“Shh...the cops will call my neighbors,” I whisper-shout as I trip over my own feet.
“I think you mean the neighbors will call the cops.” Sophie chuckles. “And it’s you who’s being loud, not me.”
She gets my door unlocked, and I stumble my way inside behind her. “Pfft, Hunter isn’t home anyway. Shocker.” I groan loudly. “How many did you let me have?”
“Believe it or not, you only had three shots,” Sophie says, setting my keys and purse on the coffee table. “You’re just a lightweight who hasn’t drunk in almost a year.”
“I’ll be fine after a cup of coffee,” I say, walking to the kitchen.
“No, ma’am. You need to go to bed.” She grabs my wrist and leads me to my room.
“Aww...I miss my baby,” I say as soon as I look at the empty crib. “Oh my God. I’m such a bad mom. How could I leave my baby? I didn’t even check on her. What’s wrong with me?”
Sophie carefully pushes me down onto the bed, then kneels to take off my shoes.
“Mrs. Locke has it under control, Lennon. It’s good for Allie to get comfortable with her now since she’ll be staying with her when you go back to work. It’s just one night,” she reminds me.
“I miss her so much!” I half-sob. “Like, it literally hurts my heart how much I miss her.”
“I know,” Sophie says with a grin. “Take off your clothes, and I’ll get you some water.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I mock, saluting her as she walks out of my bedroom. When she returns, I’m down to my undies and bra. She hands me a glass of water, and I take a long drink.
“I just texted Mrs. Locke, and she responded immediately.” Sophie hands me my cell.
“Oh my God, is everything okay?” I rush and check the messages.
“Everything is fine!” Sophie quickly says. “She was just feeding Allie and rocking her back to sleep. She said there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Oh,” I say with relief. “Good.”
“Yes, it is. Now...you need to get some sleep, okay?” She takes the glass and sets it on my nightstand.
“Can you get me a T-shirt?” I ask, pointing at the dresser that’s five feet away, knowing I probably couldn’t do it myself at this moment.
She hands me an old college tee, and I quickly put it on. “Ugh. This used to fit me like a glove before. Now I’m all baby fat.”
Sophie shakes her head and chuckles. “You are not. Be right back. I gotta pee before I leave.”
I climb into bed, and without thinking, I type out a message to Hunter.
Lennon: I hope she can make you happy in a way I never could. She’s the luckiest woman in the world. So pretty and long legs too. I bet her nipples don’t leak milk when she hears a baby cry or pees a little when she sneezes. I know this will change things, but for what it’s worth, I just want you to be happy. You deserve it more than anyone I know. Alison and I will find a new place to live as soon as I can afford it. You don’t need us invading your life anymore.
I hit send but then quickly type out another one.
Lennon: I’m sorry, Hunter. I’m sorry I was too late to see what was right in front of me the entire time.
I put my phone on silent before tossing it on the nightstand. Tipsy Lennon has no filter, and sober Lennon will pay for it. The irony of this whole situation isn’t lost on me. I saw him with another woman for two minutes while he had to see me with his best friend for two years. I don’t know how he did it, honestly. This is painful shit. I might actually understand for the first time why Hunter acted the way he did and why he had to keep me at a distance. He was protecting his heart since he couldn’t control it.
Only allowing myself one night to wallow in my own self-pity, I’ll wake up with a new plan on life and stop letting my past hold me back. Alison needs me in the right mindset, and if this pain has taught me anything in the past few hours, it’s that I don’t do well with heartache.
“I was too late,” I mutter when Sophie comes back in.
“You don’t know that for sure,” she says, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I still think you should talk to him when your head is clear.”
I shrug, unable to keep my eyes open. “I already gave him my blessing. It’s over.”
“Whoa, wait. Lennon.” She shakes my shoulder. “What does that mean? What did you do?”
“I texted him.”
“Oh God. No.” I hear the judgy tone in her voice.
“It’s okay, Soph. Really. I’ll be okay. We’ll be just fine,” I tell her as I drift off.
I feel the bed lift slightly, she mutters a few words, but sleep takes me before I can ask her what she said. It doesn’t matter, though. Sleep is all I want right now.
The sound of my bedroom door slamming against the wall startles me awake. My eyes pop open, but darkness surrounds me.
“What the fuck, Lennon?” Hunter roars, and when I look toward him, the hallway light is shining into my room. I have to squint to see him through the haze. “I’ve been texting you for two hours.”
“I fell asleep,” I croak out. “Why are you here?”
“I live here.” He stalks toward me until he’s next to my bed.
“I meant…” I clear my throat. “Why so early? The sun isn’t even up yet.”
Hunter looks down at me, his gaze intense and unreadable. “How drunk are you?”
“Not very. Anymore,” I reply honestly. “Just tired.”
I watch his throat move as he swallows hard. “Then wanna explain your messages to me?”
My eyes widen at the realization of what I did and not wanting to have this conversation with him right now. Or ever.
“Uh, not really.” In fact, I want to sink under these covers and never come up for air.
“Lennon.” He sits down next to me. “Were you at the Five Seasons tonight?”
I squint one eye as if I’m racking my brain. “For like a minute.”
“Why?” he asks. “What were you doing there?”
Deciding I need to face this, I sit up until I’m resting against the headboard. “I came to talk to you but realized you were on a date, so I left.”
“Why didn’t you text or call me beforehand?”
I shrug. “I’d had a few shots by that point and really wasn’t thinking clearly,” I admit shamelessly. “I wasn’t spying on you, but I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place.”
“And are you thinking clearly now?” he asks, keeping his intense gaze on mine.
“Yes. I think so,” I respond.
“Good, so then you can hopefully understand what I’m about to say.” He shifts his body so we’re face to face. “I wasn’t on a date. I haven’t wanted to take a girl out on a date since the moment I met you. I don’t know what you saw, but between the end of dinner and drinking at the bar to the timing of your text messages, I’m guessing it was when Carly’s husband was out on a call. Because had you come any earlier or stayed a few minutes longer, you would’ve seen Mr. Long kissing his wife.”
I’m pretty sure my face turns red, and my heart stops.
But that doesn’t explain the touching…
“Well, she seemed pretty handsy for being a married woman,” I blurt out. “But you didn’t look like you hated it either. You were laughing and smiling.”
“You’re right, I was, and you know why? I was telling her all about you and Allie. In fact, I was being that guy who talks about poop-explosions and how spit-up is a new part of my wardrobe now.”
Wait. What?
He must sense my confusion because he continues. “She leaned in and touched my arm a couple of times, but that was it. She got the hint I wasn’t interested in her advances pretty quickly when all I did was talk about you two.”
“So if you got my message two hours ago, then why didn’t you come home right away?”
“Trust me, I wanted to. Sophie texted me and said you needed to sleep off the alcohol and to ignore whatever you had texted me.”
“That little snitch.” I growl.
“So is that how you really feel, Lennon? You want to move out? Because it’d gut me.” He frowns.
I blink, my chest rising and falling at the raw tenderness in his voice. Hunter’s pained expression nearly has me in tears. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.
“No,” I manage to squeak out. “I-I thought…” I stop myself, suck in my lower lip, then start again. “I thought you were ready to move on and date someone who could offer you everything you deserved. I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I just…”
“What did you have to talk to me about in the first place?” he asks when I don’t finish my sentence.
“Something. Nothing.”
He releases a short chuckle. “Something? And that something couldn’t wait?” He arches a brow.
“At the time, no.” I release a nervous laugh. “The alcohol was giving me a false sense of confidence.”
“Well, do you wanna tell me now?” He raises his brows with a shit-eating smirk.
“Yes. No. Well, sorta.”
“Which is it, Lennon?” he demands.
“Yes, but it’s not just something you blurt out like a grocery list.”
“If it’s what I hope it is, something I’ve been waiting a long ass time for...then you’re gonna have to be the one to say it this time because I’ve convinced myself you never would,” he tells me matter-of-factly.
I swallow down my heart that has lodged its way into my throat as butterflies settle in my stomach, but I can’t get the words out like I should.
“Are you nervous, Lennon?” he taunts.
“What do you think?” I snap with a teasing glare.
“Do I make you nervous?” he asks in all seriousness.
I nod. “Sometimes.”
He arches a brow as if he’s pleased to hear that. “When I’m close to you?”
My throat goes dry. “Yes.”
Hunter cups my cheek, pulling us closer together, and I focus in on how close his lips are to mine. “What about now? What do you feel?”
My breathing picks up, I lick my lips, and I blink to clear my vision. I can’t think.
“I feel my heart pounding,” I admit. “Like it’ll burst right out of my chest.”
Hunter looks a bit surprised by that response, then looks down as if he’s looking directly into my soul. “It’s exactly how I’ve felt since you came to the bar that night, asking for a drink, taunting me with your gorgeous blue eyes. Nothing’s changed for me, Lennon. I just had to get better at disguising it.”
“You mean being an asshole,” I correct him.
“Would you rather I said something that night I found you bent over in my kitchen?” His brow perks up.
“No, I guess not.” I already feel guilty enough for him having to go through that. Though we’ve already talked about it, part of me wonders what would’ve happened had I stayed with Hunter that night and waited for him.
Would we have been here three years later?
We’ll never know.
“If you want to kiss me, you’re gonna have to be the one to initiate it this time, Lennon,” he tells me with confidence. When I don’t move or speak, he continues. “What am I to you?”
I flash a small smile. “You’re my best friend. The person I trust more than anyone. The person I can’t see my life without…”
Hunter leans in, closing the gap between us just enough so our lips aren’t quite touching. My eyes flutter closed as I wait for his next move.
“Kiss me, Lennon,” he roughly demands on a whisper. “Kiss me for real this time.”