This is the way I pictured it.
Noncommunicative Ben shuffling into Father Krakow’s office with his eyes on the floor and his mind who knows where, plopping himself down on a kid’s chair. Or maybe it wasn’t a kid’s chair—it was a perfectly normal-size chair that swallowed up undernourished Ben. The kind of hardwood chair that would make my ass start throbbing in the psych’s office at juvie hall. Fifteen minutes was about all I could take—and maybe that was the point. Fast-food therapy depended on getting us in and out fast.
So, there’s Ben.
And there’s Father Krakow.
I googled him to see if there was a photo, but the only Dr. or Father Krakow in New York with a photo was a dentist on Madison Avenue who specialized in implants. I improvised. Made Krakow a male version of Becky—who when she wasn’t chasing me down the block or trying to barge up the stairs had a sweet and sympathetic face.
Father Krakow told Ben: We’re going to try a little game, Ben.
What kind of game?
A memory game.
(No response)
I know you don’t remember a lot of what happened when your sister disappeared, Ben.
(No response)
Would you like to play this game so we can remember?
(Patient shakes head no)
See, Ben, I think the reason you don’t remember is because your mind is trying very hard not to.
(No response)
Our minds—I know this might be hard for you to understand, but I’ll try to explain it to you. Our minds are our “friends” most of the time. So, if there’s a bad memory, something that upsets us, that makes us sad, our mind says I’ll just go ahead and block that memory, so it won’t make us sad or anxious or angry anymore. Understand, Ben?
(No response)
But here’s the thing. Sometimes when we sleep, our mind, well . . . it lets down its guard a little bit. Because it’s hard keeping those unpleasant memories locked up like that. Like trying to hold your breath underwater. So it lets things out in dreams—bad dreams sometimes. I know you’ve been having the same bad dream for a while, and I know you haven’t been sleeping well because of it—you’re afraid you’re going to have that nightmare again. And I know you’ve been a little sad and a little angry and you’ve done some things in school and in your house to maybe let your teachers and parents know that. And maybe you don’t really know why you’re so unhappy and so sad and so angry, and that’s why you’re here, Ben. To help us find out. To help you be happier. To be Ben again. Can you understand that? At least, a little?
(No response)
That’s why I want to try this memory game, Ben. To see if we can’t find out what’s upsetting you so much. I know maybe that’s a little scary for you, Ben. I understand that. Have you ever been really sick and needed to go to the doctor for a shot?
(Patient nods yes)
I know shots, well, they aren’t a lot of fun. They’re scary, and sometimes they even hurt a little, and who wants that? But try to remember how that shot made you feel afterward. How it made your fever go away, and your throat stop hurting, and in no time at all, you were better? Do you remember that, Ben?
(Patient nods yes)
Okay. Well, this is a little like that. Like getting a shot. It can be scary looking at things our minds don’t want us to. It can even hurt a little. But after a while, we start feeling better. We’re not sick anymore. Doesn’t that sound like something you’d want, Ben? To not be sick anymore? You’re going to forget a lot of what you say to me during this memory game—I know, forgetting sounds kind of funny for a memory game—but just remembering it here—in this office—will start to make you feel a whole lot better. I promise. Sound good?
(Patient nods yes)
Okay, then. Here’s how we play the game. It’s called Follow My Fingers. I’m going to move my fingers back and forth in front of your face like this, Ben. And you—you just follow them with your eyes—that’s good, great, just like that. See, that’s all you have to do. Just keep following my fingers. That’s the whole game. Think you can keep doing that, Ben?
(Patient nods)
Great. And while I’m moving my fingers back and forth—good, that’s right, keep following them—I’m going to ask you to remember that dream you keep having. We’re going to start there. Okay? And when you remember it, Ben, you’re going to see it just like you saw it while you were dreaming. As if you’re asleep and dreaming it all over again. And you’re going to feel just what you felt then. As if it’s happening right now, okay?