During the days since his audition, Josh had often thought about what Mike had told him: having sex and filming porn were different things. At the time, he’d assumed Mike was referring to the surface differences: the other people in the room, the lack of intimacy, and the safety procedures they were expected to follow.
He’d never expected, however, that the act itself would be different. Within the first hour of filming, however, he discovered exactly what Mike had meant.
Porn was, without a doubt, the least sexy and most uncomfortable thing he’d ever done.
It’d started when he had to strip down to his underwear in front of the entire crew. He’d known he was going to have to do that, but he’d thought they’d avert their eyes or something. But no, they all watched him with the attention of a dozen hawks. No one was leering or anything, but he still felt every eye on him like a damp touch.
And sooner or later, he was going to be naked. He could imagine how much more vulnerable he’d feel without his boxers acting as a thin cloth barrier.
It didn’t help that Mike showed not the slightest shred of self-consciousness. He’d thrown off his clothes and lounged on the couch like he did this every day. Which, now that Josh thought about it, he might.
Josh tried to mirror his relaxation, but there was no faking that kind of experience. Where Mike was relaxed and confident, Josh was stiff and weird.
Things had only gotten more awkward when they’d started fooling around. Josh had been instructed to lie on the couch with Sean on top of him—which was the most pleasant part of the whole thing—while bright lights blinded him and Colette shouted endless directions at him.
According to her, he couldn’t do anything right. His angles were off, his limbs needed rearranging, and his facial expression showed every shade of his discomfort. Within minutes, his head was spinning from trying to remember everything he was supposed to be doing.
Then there was the sex itself. Or the distinct lack thereof. They’d been at this for hours, and they still hadn’t gotten to the main event. Josh was beginning to think he and Mike were never going to fuck. Every time they got going, Colette would call cut because Josh had made yet another mistake.
By their sixteenth take, irritation was radiating throughout the room. It came from Colette, the crew, and even from Mike, who was whispering almost as many instructions to him as Colette. Josh knew he was trying to be helpful, but if anything, the added commentary was making him more confused.
“You know what?” Colette announced after bad take number seventeen. “We’re gonna roll with it. We’ve wasted enough studio time as it is.”
Josh was almost too afraid to ask. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’m not directing you anymore. It doesn’t seem to be helping, so do whatever feels right, and we’ll piece something together postproduction. Right now, we’re burning money. Sean, keep doing what you’re doing. Dick, please try to follow Sean’s lead.”
She took a seat at a table with her laptop and zeroed in on it instead of them.
“Um, Colette?” Mike said.
She didn’t glance up. “Oh, right. Action, or whatever.”
Josh bit his lip. That stung more than he’d thought it would. He was doing such a bad job, Colette didn’t want to look at him anymore.
Mike’s weight shifted on top of him. “Hey. You doing okay?”
Josh glanced at him. From this close, it was easy to pick out the natural brunet lowlights in his red hair. “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For fucking this up.”
Mike bent down and shushed him with his mouth. It would have been a romantic gesture under other circumstances, but they’d done so much kissing in the past hour, Josh’s lips were starting to hurt. “Don’t worry about what happened before. Think about what we’re about to do. You don’t need Colette’s direction. You need to relax.”
“You think so?”
Mike brushed his lips along Josh’s cheekbone. “When we performed together before, you got the hang of it when you stopped thinking and started doing.”
Josh smiled. “No, it was when you kissed the thinking out of me.”
“I can do that again.” Mike moved down to his neck, and the feel of his hot breath made Josh dizzy. “Pretend it’s just us. What would you like for me to do to you?”
Well, that got Josh’s attention. Between the small touches Mike was delivering to all the right places and his sexy, deep voice, Josh’s cock perked up. The last hour had been as confusing for his cock as it’d been for Josh. One minute, he and Mike were going at it. The next, Colette had been killing his buzz. With her warming the bench, he might be able to get going again.
“Well, you’re the expert.” Josh did his best to mimic Mike’s seductive tone. “Tell me what you want to do to me.”
Mike smirked. “We don’t have time for all that, trust me. I think I know a fun way I can learn what turns you on.” He spoke between kisses down Josh’s neck. “I’m going to touch you, and if you like it, tell me I’m getting warmer. If not, say colder. Got it?”
“Yeah, even I can follow those directions.” He stretched his head back to expose more of his throat. “Warmer, by the way.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Mike latched on to a tender section and bit down.
Josh gasped and arched his back. “Fuck, warmer.”
“Good. I’ve been wanting to leave marks here ever since I met you.”
“Did you guess I’d like that, or—”
“No, I remember. You said you like having your neck bitten.” Mike lowered his voice to a whisper. “During your audition.”
Josh almost asked why he’d whispered, but then remembered the microphones all around them. They probably couldn’t allude to other performances on camera without confusing the audience.
“You’re thinking again. Let me fix that.” Mike had insinuated one of his legs between Josh’s, and now he rolled their hips together.
Josh whimpered. The motion gave his cock just enough stimulation to make his pulse jump but not enough to give him any real satisfaction. “Warmer.”
“Me too.” One of Mike’s hands was propping him up, but the other had been stroking Josh’s side. Now, it moved to his chest, trailing up until it found one of Josh’s nipples. He thumbed it.
“Colder,” Josh said. He’d never been a nipple guy.
Mike’s hand slipped down again, this time skimming along Josh’s stomach to the waistband of his underwear. All Mike did was finger it, threatening to slip his hand underneath, and need crackled through Josh’s veins.
“Oh, warmer. Much warmer.” Mike hadn’t even touched him yet, and Josh was getting hard again. He could feel Mike’s answering erection against his thigh. Mike had been unflaggingly hard this whole time, and it was a huge turn-on. Emphasis on huge, from what Josh could feel.
Josh canted his hips up, trying to encourage Mike to keep going. Mike took the hint and slid his fingers under the waistband . . . only to stop just shy of Josh’s dick. Josh was taut beneath him, trembling with the effort of not thrusting up into the touch.
“Want these off?” Mike’s tone was teasing as he toyed with Josh’s underwear.
“Burn them, for all I care.” Josh sucked in a breath. “Please— Will you—”
Mike mouthed his neck again. “You’re sexy when you beg. I think you deserve a reward.”
Mike suddenly kissed him, hard and deliberate. Fuck, but Mike could kiss. He was passionate without being overbearing. He teased Josh with nips and flashes of tongue, keeping him wanting more until Josh was so hungry for it, he was the one who deepened the kiss.
While he was distracted, Mike wrapped his hand around Josh’s cock, and the mixture of pleasure and relief that washed through Josh was too profound for words. He tore his mouth away and threw his head back, giving a long, luxurious moan.
“Not bad,” Colette commented. Josh’s head snapped up. She’d resumed her post by the main camera and was watching them with renewed interest. “That was convincing, for once. Nice acting, Dick.”
Finally did something right, did I?
“It wasn’t acting,” he muttered under his breath.
Mike nipped at his jaw, drawing his attention back to him. He had a smug look on his face. “Liked that, huh?”
Josh was hit by a sudden wave of shyness. He was achingly aware of Mike’s loose hold on his cock, and not only because it felt incredible. His enjoyment of it was matched only by his awareness of all the people around them. Embarrassed, he bit back the little moans that wanted to come pouring out of him with every stroke.
“Don’t hold back. Let it all out.” At first, Mike spoke at a normal volume, probably for the benefit of the mics, but then he lowered his voice again so only Josh could hear. “Forget about them, okay? Focus on me.”
“Okay.” Josh relaxed, and to his surprise, it was easier this time. Maybe it was because he had some real stimulation to distract him, but soon he was back to full hardness in Mike’s grip. Pre-come had started to slick Mike’s hand, which made the whole thing feel a thousand times more intense.
“Feel good?” Mike asked needlessly.
Josh nodded, eyes closed and hips bucking up into his fist. “Incredible.”
“I love the noises you make. Every time I get to the head of your cock, you whimper, and it’s so hot. So much hotter than all the loud moaning you normally hear. Though I didn’t mind that moan you let out before. You sounded like you couldn’t get enough of me.” He kissed Josh again, gentler but with no less heat. “I could listen to you falling apart all day.”
Fuck. Josh realized with a jolt that he was right on the edge. He couldn’t come before they got to the main event. He jerked away. “Shit. Stop. Stop touching me.”
“What?” Mike sounded startled but immediately yanked his hand out of Josh’s underwear.
Josh gasped and tensed up. “I’m gonna—” He shuddered, eyes clenched shut, but managed to fight off his body’s desire for orgasm. His instincts were all snarling at him to grab Mike’s hand and put it back where it was, but after some deep breaths, they slunk off to lick their wounds.
When Josh opened his eyes, Mike was staring at him. “Were you about to . . .?”
Heat rose up in Josh’s face like magma. Too embarrassed for words, he nodded.
Mike eyes blazed. “Holy fuck, that’s hot.”
“For once, I’m in agreement.” Colette had a thoughtful hand tucked under her chin. “Nice job, Dick. I owe you an apology; I was going about this all wrong. I should have let you do your thing from the start. Though keep in mind, if you come, we have to keep going. There’s no waiting around for refractory periods in these parts.”
Josh nodded again, caught between her apology and her admonishment.
Colette clapped her hands. “All right, gentlemen, let’s get this show on the road before Dick erupts. Underwear off, and take your positions. Sean, I want you on your knees between Dick’s legs. Dick, I hope your flexibility is up to snuff, because you’re gonna need it.” She waved at one of the crew. “Get the supplies.”
Mike wriggled out of his underwear and kneeled naked before Josh like it was the most natural thing in the world. Someone came over and handed him lube and a condom, which he took with a wink. There wasn’t a single crack in his confidence.
Josh knew he was supposed to be getting naked too, but he was too busy staring at Mike’s dick. It was big. Like . . . well, porn-star big. Josh wasn’t sure why this surprised him so much—he’d thought it felt larger than average when Mike had thrust it against him—but that still hadn’t prepared him for this. He spent a moment wrapping his brain around it.
In truth, he was being dramatic. While it was the biggest one he’d ever seen in person, it wasn’t like Tommy Lee huge or anything. It probably seemed way bigger than it was because of where it was going to end up. Yikes.
Mike caught him staring and grinned. “See something you like?”
“You’re, um, bigger than I’m used to.” He swallowed. “But then, I’m used to topping.”
“Don’t worry. I know how to use it.” He reached for Josh’s underwear. “Let me help you with these.”
Josh lifted his hips. Thank fuck for Mike’s initiative. He might not have been able to strip in front of all these people, but Mike pulling the fabric down, staring at every new inch of exposed skin like he wanted to devour Josh, made it sexy.
When his cock was freed, he tried not to think about how he sized up, no pun intended. He wasn’t small, and he’d never been self-conscious about his size before, but then he’d never had it out for the world to see. And next to a bigger dick. The comparison didn’t work in his favor.
Mike seemed pleased, however. “It’s exactly as I thought. You’re the perfect size. I thought as much when I was touching you before.”
“You want to bottom, then?” Josh was only half-joking. He’d resigned himself to the fact that he’d have to bottom, but that was before he’d seen the tree trunk Mike was sporting.
Mike laughed. “No way. I’ve been thinking about your ass for days.” He hooked one hand under each of Josh’s knees and eased them up to his chest. Josh fought the instinct to cover himself as he was exposed.
Mike was shameless about looking him over. “Yup. Every bit as good as I thought it’d be.” With one hand, he rubbed Josh’s thigh. With the other, he swiped a thumb over his hole. His eyebrows shot up. “You didn’t prepare yourself ahead of time?”
Josh was having trouble focusing on Mike’s question with his fingers on Josh’s ass. “Was I supposed to? I’d think that’d be something they’d want to film.”
“They do, and they will, but the on-screen preparation is for show. Most bottoms do it to their own specifications before filming. Now you know for next time.”
Next time in general, or next time we fuck?
Josh didn’t have long to think about it, because Mike held up the lube bottle. “May I?”
Oh, yes. “Of course.”
Mike looked to Colette. “Are we still rolling?”
She’d moved over to the monitors and was watching the feed. “Yes, and that bit of back and forth was great. With some editing, it could make the final cut.”
“Do I have time to prepare him?”
“Yeah, but we’ve shot enough foreplay already. Don’t do anything fancy.”
Josh almost rolled his eyes. That’s what every man wants to hear.
Mike snapped the lid of the lube bottle open, poured some onto his hand, and smiled. “You said you’re usually a top, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Ever had a guy fuck you open with his fingers?”
Josh’s cock twitched, and Mike’s smile grew. “No. But I’ve done it to myself before, once or twice.”
“Tell me about it. What did you do?” As Mike spoke, he slipped his hand between Josh’s legs, brushing his inner thigh.
Josh made a soft sound. “I started slow.”
“Like this?” Mike sunk one finger into him. Josh didn’t know how far in he went, but the amount of sensation that came from that single touch was incredible. When Mike repeated the motion, Josh’s toes curled of their own accord.
“Yeah, like that.” Josh shuddered. “I was just trying it out. I thought it felt sort of weird.”
“Well, let’s see if I can make it feel good.” Mike added more lube and another finger. He was careful, but quick.
Josh was caught between uncomfortable stretching and a myriad of new feelings he couldn’t begin to categorize. “I dunno if it’s my thing. I’ve never— Oh.”
Mike curled his fingers and found Josh’s prostate with stunning accuracy. “Feel good?”
“Y-yeah.” Josh huffed a breath. “Do that again.”
Mike complied, and Josh’s vision blurred. Maybe he could get used to this after all.
“Would you mind hurrying it up, Sean?” Colette called. “This is all very hot, and of course I want Dick to be comfortable, but we need to get going.”
Mike swore under his breath and gave Josh an apologetic smile. “I would do this right if we had time. I’d spread you out and fuck you open until you were begging for my cock.”
Josh groaned. “Keep talking like that, and I might anyway.”
“Need another minute, or can we get to it?” Mike said.
Josh didn’t feel in any way prepared to take a dick, let alone Mike’s literal porn-star dick, but he was plenty eager to get to the sex part at long last. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
Mike pulled his fingers out. “Excellent.”
Josh looked to Colette for direction, but with the lube-free hand, Mike turned his face back. “Keep your focus on me. I’m the one who’s about to fuck you.”
“Yes, sir.” Josh had meant it as a joke, but Mike got a wicked gleam in his eye.
It took him all of five seconds to roll the condom on, get into position, and press the head of his dick against Josh’s hole. “You ready to take my cock?” The dialogue seemed in part for the cameras and in part to give Josh one final chance to protest.
Josh played along. “Oh, yeah. I want it. Fuck me with your big cock.”
Mike eased in to him, and Josh grabbed his shoulders for dear life. As big as Mike looked, it didn’t compare to how he felt. Josh had already never been so stretched, and Mike wasn’t close to being done.
About halfway in, Mike paused, panting, and leaned down to kiss Josh. “Okay so far?”
Josh made a strained sound. When Mike had bent over, his cock had moved with him, and even that was almost too much sensation. “I dunno. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s kinda uncomfortable.”
“It’ll get better, I promise.” Mike kissed him again, soothing him with his lips. “If it’s any consolation, you feel incredible. Let me know when you’re ready for more.”
Josh forced himself to breathe. If he didn’t relax into this, he was going to make it harder on himself. He wriggled beneath Sean as best he could, trying to get comfortable. Easier said than done when there was a big solid rod bisecting your body.
After some adjusting, he found an angle that didn’t make his ass burn. The discomfort started to fade. He gave an experimental half thrust and found that while the somewhat unsettling fullness was still there, he wasn’t in pain. Mike took the cues Josh’s body was giving him and thrust in another inch. Josh breathed out in time with the movement, and Mike sunk in easily.
Mike nuzzled his cheek. “You’re doing so good. So good. You’re gorgeous like this, all sweaty and flushed.”
Josh whimpered as his cock twitched between them. He wasn’t sure what it was, but the shift in Mike’s dirty talk had a strange effect on him. It’d been hot before, but now it stroked something deep inside of him.
A few more breaths, and Mike sunk the rest of the way in. He switched his position so he wasn’t kneeling anymore but was instead lying on top of Josh, chest to chest. Somehow, with their bodies pressed together, the fullness felt . . . right.
Mike brushed his mouth against the shell of Josh’s ear. “Still doing okay?”
“Yeah. I think it’s starting to feel good.”
Mike shuddered, and Josh felt it inside him. “Perfect, because holding back has never been this hard. I want to fuck you so badly.”
Arousal thrummed through Josh. This was the first time this experience had resembled actual sex to him. He hoped it would stay like this.
“I’m going to take it slow,” Mike murmured. “Stay relaxed.”
True to his word, Mike’s rhythm was gentle. He pulled out almost all the way only to slide back in at a measured pace. Josh breathed with his thrusts, and before long, he felt comfortable enough to move with him. Not quickly or well, but enough to wring some moans from Mike that shot straight between his legs.
When Josh tilted his hips up and rolled his body to meet Mike’s next thrust, Mike cursed under his breath. “Jesus. Now I’m trying not to come.”
“You can if you want to,” Colette called to him. “I think we have enough to edit together a decent debut for Dick. It’s gonna look like Frankenstein’s creature, but it should work.”
“Got it.” Mike increased his pace enough to send shockwaves through Josh. It was still a stone’s throw away from pleasure, but it was getting there. With a little more experimenting, he was sure they’d find what worked for both of them. Though there was no way he was going to come without some extra help.
As if reading his mind, Mike reached between them and grasped Josh’s cock. He pumped it expertly in time with his thrusts. Didn’t miss a beat. The dual sensations had Josh’s head spinning. He doubted it would take him more than a minute to come if this kept up, and Mike showed no sign of stopping.
Damn, fucking a porn star has major benefits.
But then, Mike’s thrusts grew erratic. A dozen or so pumps later, he moaned and tensed up. He slammed into Josh—which gave Josh all sorts of sensations, neither pleasant nor unpleasant—and cried out. Josh didn’t need a handbook to recognize what that meant.
A few seconds later, Mike collapsed on top of him, breathing hard. “Fuck.”
Josh was about to make a joke about it being his turn now, but he never got the chance.
“Cut! At last.” Colette turned to the crew. “All right, people, that took way longer than it was supposed to. We need to hustle. Get the set broken down, and let’s wrap this bad boy.”
The crew members scuttled to obey before she’d even finished speaking.
Josh was flummoxed. “But wait. I didn’t . . .” He looked to Mike for an explanation.
Mike didn’t meet his gaze. Still panting, he wiped sweat from his brow. “I’m sorry. The bottom doesn’t always get to come. Especially if time runs over.”
Josh’s mouth fell open. “What? Why?”
In lieu of an answer, Mike held the base of his dick and pulled out of him, taking the condom with him. Josh winced with every inch, and there were many, many inches.
“I have to take care of this.” Mike indicated the condom. “Get dressed. You’re gonna feel cold in a minute.” Without another word, he stood up and made his way to the nearest trash can. Had this been anywhere in the vicinity of funny, Josh would have laughed to see a naked man strolling past buzzing crew members like it was nothing.
Right on cue, Josh shivered. He hadn’t realized how sweaty he was until the air-conditioning hit him full force. Without Mike’s body heat and the warmth from their sex, the room seemed freezing.
He scrambled to his feet and collected his clothes, pulling them on in record time. His legs wobbled with every step. He was going to have a hell of a time sitting on the bus later. All in all, however, the discomfort from his erection as he stuffed it into his jeans bothered him the most. Disappointment suffused him like an airborne contaminant.
What were you expecting? Fireworks and simultaneous orgasms? Mike told you a dozen times what this industry is like. You have no right to feel disappointed.
But he did. He might have expected treatment like this from Colette the ruthless business executive, but from Mike? He hadn’t expected Mike to leave him hanging like that. Why else had he spent all that time talking dirty to him, preparing him, asking him if he was okay?
Then again, what could Mike do about it? They were off the clock. If he got Josh off now, it’d be because he wanted to, not because someone was paying him.
Gulp.
Josh was playing with fire, but there was something he had to know. Mike kept saying this was a job, but his words and actions didn’t always line up. One second, he told Josh not to get attached. But the next, he took time they didn’t have to prepare him, to tell him he was gorgeous. Was it all an act, or did Mike feel something for him?
When he’d finished dressing, Colette approached. She went over some details with him—how and when he’d be paid, when his video would be up on the website, and his deadline for reading the handbook—before dismissing him for the day. He would have loved some words of encouragement, but he supposed that was asking for too much.
After she left, he spotted Mike over by the table where they’d left their stuff. He’d pulled on his underwear and jeans but not his shirt. Josh couldn’t blame him. With a body like his, where was the rush to get dressed? Mike was absorbed in his phone, perhaps texting someone. There was nothing to indicate he was interested in talking, but that’d never stopped Josh before.
He decided to bring Mike his shirt as a peace offering and see from there. He found it pooled on the floor by the couch. After scooping it up, he made his way over and stopped in front of Mike, waiting to be acknowledged.
Mike didn’t look up from his phone. “What?”
“Here’s your shirt.”
“Thanks.” Mike took it, slung it over his shoulder, and went back to texting.
Well, so much for the subtle approach.
Josh tried for a joke. “You owe me an orgasm.”
Mike’s head whipped up. The cagey expression on his face made Josh regret his words. “I don’t owe you anything.”
“Whoa!” Josh made a T shape with his hands. “Time-out. I was kidding.”
Mike glanced at him askance. “Sorry. I’ve had some bad encounters with entitled assholes in the past.”
There was a pun on the tip of Josh’s tongue about the fact that Mike had recently vacated his asshole, but he swallowed it down. “So, that was filming porn, huh?”
“Yeah.” Mike’s expression was sympathetic. “Welcome to the glamorous sex industry.”
“It’s funny, you warned me so many times that it wasn’t going to be what I expected, and yet I still wasn’t prepared for it.”
Guilt flashed across Mike’s face. “I’m sorry the shoot went down the way it did. It’s an unfortunate part of the industry. Be glad you’re on the gay side of things. The ladies have to fake orgasms all over the place.”
“I still had fun.” He hesitated. “I, uh, hope you did too.”
Mike’s cautious expression was back. “Do you need something? Or did you just come over to chat? Because I have another shoot to get to tonight, and I’d like to go home and shower.”
Already? Josh’s stomach roiled. He didn’t like the thought of that, and he really didn’t want to examine why. He needed to think of something to say, fast. Mike was already turning back to his phone.
“I wanted some advice,” he blurted out.
Mike looked skeptical. “You know that whole ‘mentor’ thing doesn’t go beyond your first video, right? You’ve been pushed out of the nest and are now expected to fly on your own.”
“Oh. Right. Well, I still thought I’d ask.” An idea came to Josh. “I have to take the bus home, and I can’t very well go out in public like this.” He indicated the bulge that was clearly visible in his pants. “Any advice for how to deal?”
“I dunno. Think unsexy thoughts? Go rub one out in the bathroom? You wouldn’t be the first. This is a work environment, but it’s still a porn studio.”
“Ah. Okay.” It was then that Josh realized he’d been hoping Mike would volunteer after all.
“If it were me, though, I’d wait it out. Whatever you took should wear off soon. If not, you need to see a doctor.”
Josh had followed along with his advice right up until the end. “‘Took’? Huh?”
“Yeah. I dunno if you’re a Viagra or a TriMix kinda guy, but regardless, I think you’re at around the three-hour mark. If you’re hard for much longer, you’ll need to go to a clinic.”
“I didn’t take anything.” Josh furrowed his brow. “I didn’t even know that was a thing.” Mike’s unwavering erection from before flashed into his mind, and horror washed over him. “Wait a minute. Do you take drugs to stay hard? Is that why you never got soft while we were filming? You weren’t actually turned on by any of that?”
In a flash, Mike seemed to realize he’d blundered. “Wait, I didn’t—”
But Josh had already turned away, hands on his head. “Holy shit. This whole time I thought you were enjoying yourself, but all of it was fake. Like everything else around here. I can’t believe I bought your act. You must think I’m the most gullible newbie ever.”
Mike grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. “Don’t freak, okay? I can explain.”
Josh decided to earn the “brat” label Mike had given him and fire back. “I thought you had somewhere to be. No sense sticking around here. You’re done mentoring me, remember?”
Mike made a frustrated noise. “I know I hurt your feelings, but there’s no need to be like this. Especially considering I didn’t take anything before our shoot. All my reactions were real.”
That shut Josh up. For a second. “How do I know you’re not just saying that?”
“Why would I lie?”
Josh ticked off reasons on his fingers. “To spare my feelings. To keep me from causing a scene. To shut me up so you can leave. To keep the peace with a coworker. To—”
“Okay!” Mike rubbed his temples. “Christ, you can talk. Look, I’m not lying. I normally do take Viagra before a scene because filming takes hours, and no one, not even a vet like me, can perform for that long without help. But when Colette told me I was filming with you . . .” He took a breath. “I shouldn’t tell you this, but whatever. It’s the truth. I don’t have any trouble staying interested when it comes to you. I have no idea why, but there you have it.”
For once, Josh was speechless. A little flicker of hope flamed up in him. Maybe Mike liked him after all. He’d just admitted he was attracted to him. That might not mean anything beyond the surface, but it was a start. Perhaps there was something here after all.
Questions swirled around in his head. There was so much he wanted to know. What he ended up asking was, “If you didn’t want to tell me that, why did you?”
“I wanted you to believe me.”
“Why? Why would you care? This is all business, right?”
That seemed to give Mike pause. “I’m not sure why. I guess because you’ve always been real with me. It’s not often there’s a genuine connection around here, so when it happens . . . It deserves to be acknowledged.”
Despite himself, Josh’s heart fluttered. Yup. There’s no denying it. I may not have a thing for gingers, but I do for one in particular.
Great. Their situation couldn’t be more complicated. They’d just had sex, for Christ’s sakes, and pretty unsatisfying sex at that. He shouldn’t want Mike after the epic disaster that was their first time. If he were smart, he’d go home and sort out all of his feelings before he said another word.
Once again, his mouth plunged forward without him. “Sorry I overreacted before. I know I don’t need to tell you this, but I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Yeah, that much is clear. Do me a favor and don’t quit your day job.”
At that, Josh flinched.
Judging by Mike’s widening eyes, he didn’t miss the reaction. “You didn’t. Did you?”
“Well . . .” Josh rubbed the back of his head.
Mike cursed under his breath. “Dude, are you self-destructive? What about your disastrous audition made you think that was a good idea?”
“I, uh, sort of quit before my audition.” He swallowed. “I quit as soon as I found out I had one.”
The look Mike gave him could have melted glass. “Before you knew if you liked this job? Before you knew if Colette was going to offer you a job? What were you thinking?”
“In hindsight, I realize it was . . . impulsive.”
“Impulsive? That’s so much kinder than what I’d call it.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Do you know how few people make it in this industry as long as I have? Fuck, after the introduction to porn I just gave you, five bucks says you’ll be a shooting star after all.”
Josh frowned, remembering that term from before. “I’m not going to quit after one film.”
“I can’t imagine why not. From my perspective, it’s been a miserable experience for you. If you were smart, you’d go back to your old boss and beg for your job back. Forget you ever came here.”
Ice shot down Josh’s spine, curdling in his gut. “You don’t mean that.”
Mike stared at him, eyes darting over his face. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“You’re only saying this because you feel guilty. You think you ruined my first time, but Mike—” he stepped closer “—you were the only good thing about it.”
Mike sucked in a breath. “You shouldn’t say things like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re making me think this meant more than a paycheck to you.”
“Maybe it did. Is that a crime?” Josh shut his mouth so hard, his teeth clicked. One of these days, he was going to think before he spoke.
But it was too late. Mike’s face had shuttered like he’d closed blinds behind his eyes. He looked around. No one was nearby. “You know what I’m going to say, Josh. I’ve said it all before.”
“I know. This is a job. Don’t get attached. But there’s something I need to know.” Am I really just a coworker to you? The words were heavy on his tongue. He chickened out at the last second and swapped them for something safer. “Do you want to, uh, hang out sometime?”
Mike looked flummoxed. “What?”
“Hang out. You know. Get coffee, or dinner, or something.”
“Like a date.” Mike’s tone was deadpan.
“No, like two friends hanging out. Or two coworkers. Doesn’t anyone around here do anything outside of work?”
Mike studied his face with the attention of a cat watching a squirming mouse. “You want to be my friend?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Josh had never told such an egregious lie. He wasn’t totally crystal on what he wanted from Mike, but it wasn’t friendship.
Mike was silent for a long moment. Then he sighed and held out his phone. “Give me your number.”
Josh took it and programmed his number in, trying not to crow with triumph. Mr. Doesn’t-Get-Attached gave me his digits.
His victory was short-lived. Before he could hit the Call button, Mike snatched his phone back. “Nope. If I want to contact you, I will. And if I do—note the emphasis—it will be in a strictly professional capacity. Capiche?”
Josh’s heart crumbled into little shards that slid into his stomach, shredding as they went. Mike wouldn’t even exchange numbers with him. He might have no intention of calling at all. Maybe he’d only taken Josh’s number to shut him up. Josh must be the most pathetic person on the planet.
“Yeah, I get it.” He swallowed around the glacier in his throat. “I guess I’ll get going. Today was, um, informative.”
“Bye.” Mike paused. “Take care of yourself.”
That sounds an awful lot like “Goodbye forever, loser.”
Josh grabbed his things, turned away, and walked off, numb from head to toe. It was silly to be upset, but he needed to get out of here. Between Colette’s criticism and Mike’s rejection, he felt worse than he had in . . . God, maybe forever.
And to top it all off, he had no one to blame but himself.