Josh thought his skeleton might be trying to rattle its way out of his skin. That was the only explanation for how badly he was trembling as he waited out in front of a little Japanese restaurant in Pasadena. He fiddled with the buttons on his shirt to distract himself, but his hands were shaking too.
Calm down, Clemmons. It’s only a date.
But his nervousness refused to ebb. He’d hardly slept since the night Mike had texted him the name of the restaurant and time, along with the message, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Despite his dirty mind, Josh had gotten the joke immediately. It was a flirty invitation that didn’t quite mask the seriousness of the request. If they wanted to, they could disclose their test results with each other during their date. Mike had said he’d made an appointment, and Josh had gone to his the day before. He was beginning to get the feeling that Mike liked dramatic reveals as much as he did. Why else couldn’t they have texted each other the good news? Or at least, in Josh’s case, it was good.
Josh had tested negative for HIV.
The relief he’d felt when he received the phone call was profound, but also strangely anticlimactic. As soon as the nurse had told him he was negative, it seemed as though he’d known all along that he would be. What was that called? Hindsight bias. But he liked to think it was a sign that all the good turns his life had taken lately were going to continue.
Of course, the nurse had advised him to get tested regularly for pretty much the rest of his life, but for now, Josh felt safe. Like he’d dodged a bullet. He was still glad he’d taken the plunge and tried porn, but this experience cemented in his head that he wasn’t cut out for it.
It’d been worth it, though. To meet Mike. Even if this date went poorly and Josh decided he couldn’t forgive him after all, he was still glad they’d met.
Mike was actually off to a bad start, though. He was late, and it was giving Josh far too much time to think about everything that had happened in the past month. The ups, the downs, the changes he’d seen in both himself and Mike, and the whole uncertain future sprawling ahead of them. If they had a future together. That was one of many things Josh intended to find out tonight.
First and foremost, he wanted to know if Mike had tested positive. Josh wouldn’t demand that Mike disclose his status, but he was pretty sure Mike would tell him either way. And if he was positive, Mike had some big decisions to make. He’d probably need space to deal, consider his options, and decide on a plan. Josh would be supportive no matter what, but he’d need to make some decisions as well. He’d have to decide if he still wanted to date Mike.
A month ago, he might have reacted the way that one asshole at Twist had. Josh couldn’t say if he would have considered dating someone with an STI back then. But he’d been ignorant, and he was a big enough person to admit it.
It helped that he’d done his research. There were plenty of people with HIV who never passed it to their partners, or if they did, they managed it together. Mike would take certain medications, and there were ones for Josh as well, all of which had excellent rates of success. And they could use condoms for the rest of their lives.
The rest of our lives.
When had Josh started thinking about Mike in terms of absolutes? Jesus. He needed to remind himself that they’d never so much as shared a meal together before. They had a lot of ground to cover before they got serious. It was funny, though. When it came to Mike, Josh had no trouble imagining a future together.
But was that wise? If Mike stayed in porn, he was going to sleep with other people while they were dating each other. Not that Josh had much room to talk. He was a cam star. He masturbated while dirty old men watched him do it. Was there a way for them to be monogamous while they were both having sex with other people?
Josh wasn’t sure. Despite all the experience he’d gained since that faithful day he’d auditioned for Colette, there was still a lot about the sex industry he didn’t understand.
He knew two things for certain, though: he wanted to be happy, and he was in serious danger of falling in love with Mike. However inadvisable that might be, he had to see if there was some way to make this work.
“Lost in thought?”
Josh shrieked. He spun around, heart racing, and found himself inches from Mike Harwood.
Mike looked like he was struggling not to grin. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No, I’m sorry.” Josh took a deep breath. “I’m a little nervous.”
“What for? It’s just me.” Mike gestured to himself. Josh absorbed him in a sweep. He looked good. White shirt with a black flight jacket thrown over it, dark jeans, and the fancy shoes Josh always saw but didn’t know the name of. It all fit him beautifully, too.
Josh must have stared for a second too long, because Mike chuckled. “Guess I picked the right outfit. You don’t look bad yourself. I’ve never seen you all cleaned up before.”
Josh had scrounged together the only nice clothes he had. He’d bought them for an interview when he was twenty and hadn’t worn them since. Never heard from the job either. It was nothing fancy, but he thought the light-green button-down brought out his eyes.
“Well—” he cleared his throat “—my mom says you can’t go wrong with business casual for a date.”
“You called your mom for dating advice?”
“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “She’s been married three times, so I figure if anyone knows how to land a man, it’s her.”
Mike laughed again. “But as for staying with one, I hope you won’t take any advice from her.” He held out his arm. “Shall we? I’m sorry I’m late, by the way. I had to make a trip down to Murmur Inc.”
Josh started to ask what for, but he stopped short. If Mike had gone to a shoot, then he didn’t want to know. “Lead the way.”
The restaurant, which was called Zen according to the cut-out metallic sign out front, had two large aquariums adjacent to the entrance, in which colorful fish swam amongst towers of fake coral. To the left was a hostess stand, where a pretty woman with dark hair and eyes greeted them. She seemed to recognize Mike, because she led them to the sushi bar without asking for a name.
“You come here a lot?” Josh seated himself on one of the barstools, which all had red seats and black metal backs.
Before he could answer, a sushi chef shouted, “Hey, it’s Mike!” He waved, knife in hand, from where he was cutting vibrant purple tuna into sashimi. “How’s life?”
Mike waved back. “It’s fine, Genzo. Same old.”
“Be right with you.”
Josh looked between them. “I guess that answers my question.”
“I eat a lot of fish,” Mike explained. “It’s a good, postworkout protein source. My gym is near here, so I come in maybe once a week.” He slid his jacket off, hung it on the back of the barstool next to Josh, and took a seat. Their knees touched. With anyone else, Josh would have assumed it was an accident, but with Mike, he knew better. The light touch—a gentle reminder of Mike’s affection—sent a ripple of warmth through him.
“I’ll defer to your expertise, then.” Josh picked up the paper sushi menu left by his place setting and handed it over. “You pick.”
“Are you adventurous?” Mike flashed a smile. “When it comes to food, I mean.”
“I’m not picky, but don’t order me anything that still has eyes.”
“Got it.”
While Mike made tallies next to various kinds of fish, Josh settled into his seat and observed him. So far, this seemed like a regular first date, and he appreciated that Mike had dressed up. Mike always looked good, but there was a clear delineation between his street clothes and what he was wearing tonight.
It hadn’t escaped Josh’s notice that the jacket he’d chosen had a series of decorative silver zippers. Had he worn it because he’d thought Josh would be into it? If Josh were a betting man, he’d put money on yes. That was the sort of attention to detail he’d come to expect from Mike.
So far, so good, but what now? He didn’t want to launch right into the STI talk, but he wasn’t sure what else to say. He knew what people normally talked about on first dates—their families and what concerts they’d been to and what movies they liked—but he and Mike had already covered all of that via Martin.
“Something on your mind?”
The question forced Josh back to the present. His gaze had moved from Mike to the white tile floors. When he looked up, he found Mike studying him with raised eyebrows.
“What?”
“You seem pensive. Is there something you want to talk about?”
Well, that’s one way to start a tough conversation. “Yes, to be honest, but I was also thinking about what an unusual first date this is.”
“Really? I thought sushi was pretty standard.”
“No, I mean because of our history. If you were anyone else, I’d be asking you what your favorite food is, or if you like musicals. But thanks to Martin, I already know it’s lasagna and that your iPod has the soundtrack to Hamilton on repeat.”
He was expecting Mike to smile, maybe crack a joke, but instead he blanched. “Let me apologize about that again. I didn’t mean to—”
“No!” Josh held up a hand. “I wasn’t trying to start anything, I swear. Obviously, we’ll talk about that at some point, but I was more saying I’m glad we don’t have to go through all that small talk. It’s my least favorite part of first dates. When I’ve recently met someone, learning their favorite color isn’t my top priority.” He paused. “Though out of curiosity, what’s yours?”
Mike answered without hesitating. “Orange.”
Josh crinkled his nose. “I hate orange.”
“A lot of people do. I love it, though. It’s vibrant and energetic. Makes me think of fresh fruit.”
“Is that why you wear the cologne you do?”
“Yeah, it’s orange blossom. I was surprised when you picked up on it. Most people think it smells flowery.”
“Well, we were in pretty close contact.”
Mike pressed his knee against Josh’s. “Yeah, we were.”
Genzo appeared. “Sorry for the wait.” He reached over the clear partition to shake Mike’s hand. “Have you decided on something for you and your . . .?”
“Date.” Mike handed over the marked sushi menu. “We’re going to try a bunch of different things, if that’s all right.”
Genzo took the paper with a sly smile. “Ordering for your date is a little old-fashioned, don’t you think?”
“Oh yeah,” Josh quipped. “We’re a very traditional couple.”
Laughing, Genzo left to start on their order. Mike stared at him.
“What?”
“‘Couple’?”
Damn. Josh kept doing that. “I didn’t mean—”
Mike giggled like a schoolboy and touched his shoulder. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. Actually, I like the sound of it.”
“I felt the same way when you called me your date.”
Mike gave his shoulder a squeeze before letting go. “So, what did you want to talk about? Don’t think that bit of misdirection made me forget.”
Damn. Part of him had been looking for an excuse to avoid this.
“I think there are some things we should get out of the way. I know this is our first ‘proper’ date, or whatever, and we should be enjoying it, but I think I’ll be a lot more relaxed if we clear the air.”
Mike swiveled in his seat to face him. “Okay. I think I can handle that. Does this have to do with our test results?”
Josh took a quick breath. “Yes and no.” He looked around to see if anyone was listening, but the other diners were absorbed in their own food and conversations. He lowered his voice to be sure. “I have no problem telling you my status. I tested negative.”
Mike’s lips quirked up. “Me too.”
Josh let out a breath despite himself. “That’s great. You must be so relieved.”
“I am. When a waiter comes by, I’ll order us some champagne.”
“I’m down to celebrate, but you realize this isn’t over, right?”
Mike’s face clouded over like an overcast day. “What do you mean?”
“We both have to keep getting tested. Hell, you have to get tested every two weeks.”
“It’s the same for everyone who’s sexually active, though.”
“Not exactly. Most couples who are monogamous can stop getting tested after they’ve been together for a long period of time. Because of what you do, your risk is higher, and it never goes away. I don’t mean that in a judgmental way. If I’d stayed in, uh, the business, I’d be in the same boat.”
“Porn.” Mike didn’t bother to lower his voice. “My business is porn. You can say it.”
Josh looked around. No one had so much as glanced their way, but paranoia crept over him like a figure standing just over his shoulder. “Dude, we’re in public.”
“So? I’m not ashamed of what I do. I’m a porn star. I’m in the sex industry. So are you. I may not be out to my family, but I don’t care if a bunch of strangers know.”
Josh took a deep breath. Clearly, he’d struck some sort of nerve. “Mike, I’m not ashamed either. I just don’t want to invite any spectators into this conversation. There’s a table of guys right over there getting drunk on sake. I’ve had experiences before where I talked about being gay in public, and some jock types decided to take notice. Okay?”
That seemed to lower Mike’s hackles. “Fair enough. I’ll keep my voice down.”
“Thank you. Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that so long as you’re in porn, this could happen again. And if we’re together, then I’m at risk as well.”
The tension in Mike from before sprang right back up again. “So, what do you think the solution is?”
Josh sensed somehow that this was a trick question, but he didn’t want to answer it with anything other than the truth. “I can’t ask you to quit porn any more than you can ask me to quit my jobs. It’s your livelihood. You have bills to pay, and believe me when I say I get that. But if we start dating, then I want you to start using condoms when you film. Every time.”
He paused for Mike’s reaction. Mike had gone wide-eyed, but he didn’t speak, so Josh continued. “I know straight porn doesn’t usually use condoms, but I’m sure you can find people who will work with you regardless. There have to be women out there in your same boat. Or maybe you can exclusively film gay porn? I don’t know. I haven’t thought it all the way through yet, and it occurs to me that it might be too soon to talk about this, but now you’re not talking, and it’s freaking me out. Please say something.”
Josh bit his lip to stop himself from babbling.
Mike blinked, as if coming out of a trance, and looked hard at him. “You’re not gonna ask me to quit my job?”
“No. I won’t lie, part of me wants you all to myself, but I would never ask that of you.”
“Why?”
“Lots of reasons. Namely, we’re not together. Who am I to barge into your life and demand you rearrange everything when for all we know, we won’t last another month? Plus, working for Murmur Inc. opened my eyes. Now that I’m a sex worker too, I get it. This is a job. It has ups and downs, same as any nine-to-five. It’d be hypocritical of me to ask you to quit, even for health reasons. I wouldn’t ask a construction worker to quit their job because they might get hurt. Or a realtor, if you prefer.” He winked.
Mike continued to stare at him for another long moment before he reached over, cupped the back of Josh’s neck, and drew him into a kiss. It was chaste compared to their usual kisses, but the emotion behind it left Josh’s breathless.
“Wow,” he said when Mike pulled away. “What was that for?”
“For being amazing.” Mike stroked his neck with a thumb before letting go. “Sorry I was acting all cagey for a minute there. That wasn’t what I was expecting you to say.”
“What were you expecting?”
Their sushi arrived then, along with a waitress who brought them water and asked if they needed anything else. It seemed the restaurant didn’t have champagne, but they did have sparkling wine, so Mike ordered that instead.
When the waitress left, Mike grabbed his chopsticks and pointed to a decorative sushi roll. “Try that one. I’ll answer while you chew.”
Josh broke his chopsticks and clumsily navigated a piece into his mouth. It was surprisingly salty at first, but then something mild neutralized it. Avocado?
“It’s really good. What’s the salty part?”
“Salmon roe.”
Josh gave him a quizzical look.
“Fish eggs.”
Josh made a face. Mike silently took the plate from him before sliding over some beautiful sashimi in its place. Josh tucked into that with delight.
“To answer your question, when you started talking about risks and all that, I thought for sure you were gonna ask me to quit. When I first started in the industry, I tried dating outside of it, and without fail, everyone I met couldn’t handle it. They judged me, or they tried to ‘rescue’ me, or they gave me ultimatums. Sometimes all three. After a while, I swore I’d only ever date fellow sex workers. That was better, but I still encountered problems from time to time.”
Josh swallowed a bite. “Like what?”
“Remember what Colette said at orientation about the shelf life of a porn star?”
Josh dipped a piece of yellow tail into a little dish of soy sauce and tossed it into his mouth before nodding.
“Well, once I dated this girl who was only in porn for a week. When she quit, she expected me to quit with her. I refused, and that was the end of that. Happened again with a guy who was in phone sex. When we got serious, we decided to be exclusive. Except, I thought being exclusive meant being devoted to each other and not sleeping around recreationally. He thought it meant me being out of a job. In truth, that was long enough ago that I could have packed up and done something else, but I didn’t want to, and I resented him for asking.”
Mike stopped to chew and swallow before adding, “When you were talking a moment ago, I was having flashbacks to that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You didn’t know.” Mike shot him a wry smile. “I’ve heard you’re not supposed to bring up exes on the first date.”
Josh shrugged. “I’ve seen you naked. I think we can bend some of the traditional dating rules.”
“That we can. Which reminds me. I have a surprise for you.”
“Oh?”
The waitress returned with their wine, poured it for them, and left.
“Perfect timing.” Mike held up his glass. “I propose a toast.”
“To what?” Josh clinked his glass against Mike’s.
“To my new professional endeavors.” Mike took a sip. “I spoke to Colette earlier today and told her I don’t want to be in porn anymore.”
Josh almost spit out the mouthful he’d taken. “You what?”
“Try not to shout, baby.” His eyes sparkled with mischief. “We don’t want anyone else to hear, right?”
Josh had to struggle to keep his voice down. “What do you mean you quit? I didn’t ask you to.”
“Yeah, and make no mistake, if you had, I probably would have called Colette right back and told her I changed my mind. I’m stubborn like that.”
Josh set his glass down before he dropped it. “I don’t understand. You said you’d never quit for someone else.”
“What makes you think I quit because of you? That’s kinda self-absorbed, don’t you think?” He winked. “In truth, this has been a long time coming. Taking those two weeks off made me realize how tired I was. Tired of everything. I know it was stressful for you, but I’m grateful we had that scare. It gave me two things I needed: time and perspective. It’s funny: I accused you of being a shooting star when I’m the one who burned out a long time ago.”
“It wasn’t all that stressful for me, if it helps. Or at least, I say that now that I know I’m negative.”
Mike laughed. “I know how you feel.”
“How’d Colette take the news?”
“Pretty well. She told me she’d never expected me to last this long, which was a hell of a backhanded compliment. She asked if I want to quit sex work altogether, and I said no. Murmur Inc. is like a second home to me. I have a whole foundation built there, and it’d be silly to give that up. She gave me a bunch of suggestions for other things I can do.”
“Like what?”
“Modeling, for one. I’ve done nude work on and off in the past, and I can put a decent portfolio together. Also, it turns out Colette is opening some all-gender strip clubs in the city. The popularity of Magic Mike, among other things, created a demand for them. I figured I’ll audition, since I love to dance.” He nudged Josh’s knee with his. “And I have a proposal for you, if you’re up for it. It should be beneficial to us both.”
“Oh?”
“Webcam channels featuring couples and groups make about twice as much as ones with single people. There’s so much more you can offer to clients with multiple performers. I was thinking maybe I could guest star on your channel? It’d be an easy way to get paid for all the sex we’re going to be having anyway.”
Josh, who had managed to keep his hormones in check all throughout dinner, suddenly found himself salivating. “That sounds amazing. You’re welcome anytime you like.”
“I appreciate that, but for the record, it’s still your channel. I’m not going to take over. I think maybe once a week or so we could give your clients a hell of a show. But the rest of the time, I want you all to myself.”
Josh nodded. “I’m so down for that. Out of curiosity, are you gonna be in sex work forever, or are you going to look at other things?”
“I don’t know. The biz has been good to me, and it’s not going anywhere. Sex is one industry that thrives no matter what the economy is like. But I’ve been thinking about getting older and if I want to be that thirty- or forty- or fifty-year-old who’s still putting on a show. The pressure to look a certain way is hard enough, and I’m young. How’s it going to be when I’m going gray and have arthritis or whatever?”
“I’d still buy a lap dance from you.” Josh gave him a cheeky smile.
Mike chuckled. “Sweet as that is, I want to keep my options open. I was thinking I might look into acting someday. I’m always saying that porn stars deserve Oscars for what they do. I’ll still have to look a certain way, but no one will expect me to have washboard abs when I’m fifty.”
“Aren’t you worried people might recognize you from porn?”
“I don’t plan to hide my past,” Mike said with a shrug. “If that keeps me from getting jobs, then fuck ’em. Besides, people are always complaining about how liberal Hollywood is. I’m sure there are producers out there who are willing to hire an ex-porn star. And if that doesn’t work out, I’ll find something else. I could get some use out of my degree, for example.”
“What’s it in?”
“Marketing. I bet I’d be a good PR rep or something. God only knows I’ve spent the past three years marketing the hell out of myself to get where I am.”
“How would you cite that on a résumé?” Josh tapped his chin. “‘Extensive experience interacting with porn addicts on social media’?”
“You’d be surprised. Colette gives great references from what I hear, and she’s not afraid to find creative ways to describe job roles. I heard that once a cam girl who was known for performing in elaborate outfits wanted to become a florist. Colette wrote her a recommendation letter in which she praised her ‘impeccable taste, color choices, and unique aesthetics.’”
“Good to know! I might need that one day.”
“Oh?” Mike raised an eyebrow.
“Well, yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna run a cam channel for the rest of my life either.”
“What do you plan to do, then?”
Josh took a sip of wine to wet his dry mouth. “I’ve been thinking about going back to school.”
Mike was silent.
“I know, I was shocked too. I only ever got my AA, and I think it’s because I wasn’t mature enough for higher education. Well, that, and I was more interested in partying with my friends. It’s funny, I remember sitting in my shitty room, thinking about my minimum-wage job and my routine life, and feeling like I was better than that. But now I know I never did anything to deserve better.”
“What made you realize that?”
“I think you did. Watching you work your ass off. Hearing you talk about how difficult it was to become successful. I got into porn because I thought it was going to be easy, and I was wrong yet again. I expected things to get handed to me, and I shouldn’t have. I’ve grown a lot since then, though. I think once I’ve saved up some tuition money, I could give it another go.”
“If that’s what you want, I’ll support you.” Mike leaned in like he was going to kiss him again.
Before he could, Genzo appeared to clear some of their empty plates. He looked between them and giggled. “We can move you two to a booth if you’d like. They’re more private.”
For the first time since Josh had met him, Mike blushed. “That won’t be necessary.”
“Lemme know if you change your mind.”
As soon as he left, Mike turned back to Josh. “I have a question for you, if that’s okay. A serious one.”
“Shoot.”
“How’s this date going so far? Have I proven myself to you?”
“I think so. Provided you never, ever lie to me again, then I’d say we can leave the past behind.” Josh cleared his throat and did his best official voice. “Mike Harwood, I forgive you. I don’t think you meant any harm, and you did the two things everyone needs to do when they fuck up. You owned up to it, and you accepted responsibility.”
“Thank you. That’s a very mature way of looking at it. When I first met you, there were aspects of your immaturity that I was drawn to, but I must say, I think you’ve grown into someone I like even more.” Mike brushed a strand of hair away from Josh’s face. “Someone I find attractive inside and out.”
That gave Josh an idea. “I have one more question myself.”
“What’s that?”
Josh fiddled with his glass, suddenly nervous. “You said one of the perks of you appearing on my cam channel would be getting paid for all the sex we’re going to have, right?”
Mike’s lips started to turn up. He must’ve sensed where Josh was going with this. “That’s correct.”
“Well . . .” Josh took a quick breath and looked up at him. “How much sex are we talking?”
Mike’s little smile turned into his trademark wicked grin in a flash. “You tell me. There hasn’t been a moment since I met you that I wasn’t ready to go. I’m pretty sure I can deliver on all the toe-curling, world-rocking sex you can handle, and then some.”
Arousal flooded into Josh with such force, it made him dizzy. “And if I said I wanted to get started on that right now?”
“I’d say ‘check please.’” Mike leaned toward him and lowered his voice to the deep, dark tone Josh liked best. “I feel like I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. The chance to be with you the way I’ve wanted to from the moment we met. No cameras. No audience. No one to call cut right when it gets to the good part. This isn’t going to be like anything we’ve done before. Are you ready for that?”
Josh could scarcely draw the breath he needed to reply. “Please.”