I’VE WANTED TO write a book since I was in high school. For all those years spent thinking about this process, I was remarkably wrong about how it would go. Most of all, I figured it would be solitary: a mental trek into the deep woods. Instead, it connected me with dozens of new people and deepened my ties to just as many old friends—all of whom made this book what it is.
The people featured in these pages gave hours or days of their time in interviews and allowed me to share their personal, often painful stories. I thank (in order of appearance) Ron Haviv, Ed Kashi, Tony McAleer, Emile Bruneau, Angela King, Sammy Rangel, Stephanie Holmes, Orrie and Ella of the Young Performers Theatre, Thalia Goldstein, Betsy Levy-Paluck, Bob Waxler, Bob Kane, Liz Rogers, Melissa Liebowitz, and the staff and families at the UCSF ICN, Albert Wu, Eve Ekman, Sue Rahr, Rex Caldwell, Joe Winters, and the staff at Washington’s CJTC, Jason Okonofua, Catalin Voss, Nick Haber, Jena Daniels and Dennis Wall of the Autism Glass Project, Heather and Thomas Coburn, Rob Morris, and Ari Wallach.
This book also exposed me to countless things I didn’t know I didn’t know. Many researchers and scholars generously fielded emails and calls about all matter of arcane empathic marginalia. I’m indebted to Anthony Back, Simon Baron-Cohen, Daniel Batson, Daryl Cameron, David Caruso, Mark Davis, Lisa Feldman-Barrett, Adam Galinsky, Justin Gardner, Adam Grant, Daniel Grühn, Elaine Hatfield, Christian Keysers, Sara Konrath, Nour Kteily, Françoise Mathieu, Brent Roberts, Robert Sapolsky, Steve Silberman, Tania Singer, Linda Skitka, Sanjay Srivastava, Maya Tamir, Sophie Trawalter, Jennifer Veilleux, Johanna Voldhardht, and Robert Whitaker.
Several friends read draft sections of this book and provided indispensable feedback. Thanks especially to Lauren Atlas, Mina Cikara, James Gross, Yotam Heineberg, Ethan Kross, Adam Waytz, and Robb Willer. Max Thorn provided helpful fact-checking. And it was an immense pleasure working with Kari Leibowitz, who spearheaded the Evaluating the Evidence appendix and also provided deep and thoughtful commentary on other chapters.
Science is a team sport, and I’ve benefited immensely from working alongside brilliant and supportive collaborators throughout the years. Coauthors on research described in this book include Jeremy Bailenson, Niall Bolger, Carol Dweck, Valeria Gazzola, Fernanda Herrera, Matthew Jackson, Brian Knutson, Ihno Lee, Matt Lieberman, Jason Mitchell, Matthew Sacchet, Karina Schumman, Tor Wager, and Jochen Weber. My graduate mentor, Kevin Ochsner, took a chance on me in 2005, though I had little research experience, poor undergraduate grades, and a mess of half-baked ideas about empathy and the brain. His wisdom and friendship have made me the scientist I am now, and are all over these pages.
These days, I’m honored to advise passionate, generative young scientists in my own shop. I’d like to thank all past and present members of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab for their inspiration and hard work, and especially acknowledge Molly Arnn, Ryan Carlson, Rucha Makati, Sylvia Morelli, Erik Nook, Desmond Ong, Emma Templeton, Diana Tamir, and Erika Weisz, whose research is featured here. Erika deserves special recognition for the empathy-building interventions described in Chapters 2 and 6, which comprised the core of her dissertation.
Seth Fishman, my literary agent, and I have been friends for a decade. When I decided to wade into nonacademic writing years ago, he generously accepted the role of guide. He taught me how to pitch magazines; he read all the pieces I thought had turned out well and showed me how to actually make them work. He was an early, steady, and reassuring sounding board as I prepared the ideas behind this book.
Seth also connected me to an amazing team at Crown, for which I will always be grateful. Zachary Phillips provided quick, responsive support throughout the process. Meghan Houser conducted multiple close reads of the book at a late stage, providing incisive feedback that helped it across the finish line. She also encouraged me to write more about Star Trek TNG, which of course I’d never refuse. Many thanks, also, to Penny Simon, Molly Stern, Kathleen Quinlan, and Annsley Rosner for their invaluable support.
It’s difficult to describe the impact that my editor, Amanda Cook, has had on this project and on me as a writer. She helped me find a deeper, more meaningful book hiding in my original ideas. She also exhibited saintly patience as I muddled through false starts, neuroticism flare-ups, overthinking, underthinking, and last-minute second-thinking. Firm, confident, but always compassionate, Amanda was the best partner I could have hoped for in this adventure. I cannot (and don’t want to!) imagine this book in any other editor’s hands.
Luke Kennedy and I met at a basement party in our junior year of college; since then he’s the closest I’ve had to a brother. He’s a steadfast pal and brilliant consigliere—ready to toss around any idea at any time, no matter how crazy it might sound. He’s neither an academic nor a writer, but our hundreds of conversations have shaped virtually all of my thinking over the years.
My parents, Pervez and Iris, and my stepmother, Kathleen, have supported me through countless ups and downs, and we’ve been through some together. I am especially grateful that they supported my decision to write, here, about some of our most difficult times.
I began work on this book a week after my daughter Alma was born—in stolen, bleary moments while she slept. Alma and her sister, Luisa, don’t know about the sacrifices they made for it, but they made them nonetheless. My wife, Landon, does know about the sacrifices she’s made. In starting it while we had a newborn (and then another!), I subjected our family to more pressure at a time already stuffed with it. Landon spent immense amounts of energy to make space for me to finish it, all the while talking me through nagging doubts and full-blown freakouts.
For that and so much more, I dedicate this book to her. Landon is an inspiring psychologist, with thrilling projects on the horizon. Now it’s her turn.