My mother never gave up on me.
I messed up in school so much they were sending me home, but my mother sent me right back.
DENZEL WASHINGTON
June 19, 2005
New York
Dear Young Brotha,
In my last letter, I asked you to trust me with your thoughts and feelings about your family situation. I’m proud that you showed the courage to be as honest as you were. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I received your letter about the frustration of growing up without a father on Father’s Day.
In many ways, your situation is similar to my own. I, too, was raised by a single parent, only it was my mother who was absent while my father raised me. Many a Mother’s Day passed with me feeling the sting of what I perceived as rejection from my mother’s abandoning me. What was I supposed to do with the Mother’s Day cards they forced me to make at school? I could have mailed them to her, but I didn’t. How could a parent leave a child? Or was it just me? I covered it up and played it off like I was too cool to need a mom, but the truth was I did need her. My mother’s choice not to be there devastated me for a long time. It made me feel rejected, like I wasn’t good enough. It made me question my worth, and I wondered if everyone who looked at me could see what she saw—that I was leave-able. I was angry, and at times that anger made me destructive. I felt cheated at not having the picture-perfect two-parent life I deserved. Yes, Brotha, I, too, was messed up, even though I did have a parent there who loved and believed in me.
Luckily, as I matured and got to know my mother, I came to realize that her leaving wasn’t about me or a testament to my worth as a human being. In fact, none of her decisions were about me. Sure I suffered the fallout, but she didn’t intentionally set out to affect my self-esteem or my life. I realized she didn’t leave me; she left the situation she was in—a situation that at the time wasn’t healthy for her, or me, for that matter. At first I didn’t understand how she could have made that choice, but as I grew into manhood, and we strengthened our relationship, I came to a new understanding. That knowledge was key for me to building a healthy relationship with both my parents that lasted right up until my father passed away in 2000. Now, since my father isn’t alive, the only remaining parent I have left is my mom. It’s vital that I’ve developed a healthy understanding about her not raising me so that I don’t resent her. Today I am able to have a healthy relationship with my only living parent. And family is so key.
Everyone’s family life is different. Your situation differs because your father never tried to help your mother raise you, which happens too often when people have babies when they’re still teenagers. Let me tell you a story about a friend whose father denied his paternity. That means his father refused to accept that he was my friend’s father—he wouldn’t accept that he had a son, and therefore wouldn’t visit him or acknowledge him. And that hurt. One day, I asked him how he could stay so positive and seemingly unaffected by his father’s denial. His response was, “Rejection is God’s protection.” He had finally met his father and discovered that the man he had dreamed would one day rescue him was the opposite of a warm, loving, welcoming father. He thinks if he had grown up with his father that he probably would have inherited his father’s bitterness, cynicism, and unhappiness. My friend considers his upbringing by his single mother a far better alternative than a life with a man who would have never made him feel loved and accepted.
Everyone’s family life is different.
So the most important thing I learned is that my absentee parent didn’t leave me, she left the situation. My mom left the relationship with my father because she felt she had no other choice. Even though your father may have left when you were a baby, it’s important that you realize he didn’t leave you. He didn’t even know you. Your father left for reasons that had nothing to do with you. He may have been scared of the situation, and fear often makes people run away. Perhaps at the time, your father wasn’t strong enough to handle his responsibility. But that’s not a reason to resent him or be angry with him. He was doing the best he could, even if his best was not good enough for you. That’s a reason to embrace him, to be more compassionate toward him, because like I said, “you are the newest perfect model” and you can handle things he can’t. We need to learn to be the most compassionate toward those who are the weakest. It’s important not to take people’s humanness personally. As human beings we make many mistakes—mistakes that often affect those around us. It is also important to be able to forgive people, even if those people are your parents, so that you can have a healthy, happy life. I’ll never forget the first time I came to understand that my parents were human beings (works in progress), as opposed to the superhuman Godlike creatures I believed them to be. It was a huge wake-up call that made me understand that parents are just people who are trying to do the best they can with what they have been given.
Sometimes things happen in your life that can cause you to question everything, especially the strength of your family’s love for you. After my parents’ divorce it was important to my father that he be the one to raise his two sons. Eventually, my brother and I ended up living with him. I will never forget the day my mom was visiting us at my dad’s new house. I heard arguing, and I came out into the hallway just as the argument turned physical. I saw my mother crying as she leaned up against the wall. As a seven-year-old, witnessing my father’s anger and my mother’s tears made me painfully aware of my vulnerability. That one moment shattered my innocence. I felt like I didn’t know these people at all. They were not the parents who had always nurtured and protected me. If two people who promised to love each other forever could turn so completely to hate, then how secure was I in their love? For a long time afterward, I retreated into myself, and I waited in fear for that next event that would rip apart the already tattered seams of my family life I had known. It was the first time I saw my parents as vulnerable, flawed individuals with their own set of problems who could not always protect me. As I began to see the world with different eyes that day, I learned to depend more on myself and less on my parents. I guess I saw that even though your family may love you, we are all individuals who must make our own way in the world separate from anyone—even our parents. And so it is up to us to make ourselves whole, complete, secure, and unreasonably happy.
As much as I was upset by my parents arguing, I was more affected by seeing my mother so vulnerable. She had always been a strong, proud woman. As I matured, I realized that even though my mother looked like a victim at that moment, it was only at the moment. The choices she made and the life she led assured me of that. At a time when segregation was still in full effect, and most women—let alone black women—didn’t even think of going to college, my mother not only went to college, she went to graduate school and became one of the first African-American female anesthesiologists in this country. Dr. Marilyn Hill Harper is far from a victim. I’m proud of my mom, and I know that you are proud of yours too. Now see, that’s another thing we have in common: Both of our mothers deserve to be loved and respected, especially by us.
You say you want to solve the problem of your mom having to be both mom and dad. But not every problem is immediately solvable. There are some things that you may spend your entire life working through. They don’t always affect you every day or hold the same importance over time. It’s like the break that occurred between my parents, which in certain ways still affects me to this day. I still struggle with male-female relationships, never going past a certain point of intimacy. My parents split before you were even born, and I still haven’t solved all the issues around it, but it doesn’t stop me from living passionately and being unreasonably happy. I am still working on this area of my life and allowing myself to be more open and trusting in my relationships. So it’s okay to still have unresolved feelings about your dad. The most important thing is to keep them in perspective and trust that you will solve them over time. Be patient with yourself, your mom, and your dad.
Truth be told, two parents in the home who aren’t happy together isn’t necessarily better than having a single parent. For example, one of my best friends in the world, a dude named James, was raised by both parents. Throughout his entire childhood, his parents fought and yelled at each other every day. There was no peace in the house. To this day, he acknowledges that after his father left, the house became more peaceful, because the arguments stopped. Now, clearly, having a strong, healthy, two-parent family is the ideal, but I know so many people, including myself, that have been raised extremely well by a single parent. There is nothing wrong with that.
Also, you may not understand this now, but there are ways that being raised by just your mom can be beneficial. It’s a deeper relationship that forms between a mother and son. It’s a different kind of bond. Your mom has been forced to be both your mom and dad. Witnessing the daily struggles, whether financial, emotional, or physical, of your mom can give you a better understanding of women. Moreover, it teaches you how to respect all women because those girls you see at your school will eventually, years and years from now, becomes someone’s mom. Just as you don’t call your mom “bitch” or “ho,” you shouldn’t refer to any woman or girl in that way, no matter how old they are. Words have power, so use them accordingly and respect women.
In your letter, you told me that things at home aren’t going the way you want them to go. It might seem easier to close your eyes and ears and act like you’re just passing time. But you’re not. Your life’s not. It just isn’t. It might seem easier to ignore the fact that the choices for your life are yours to make, but get this: Not making any choices is making a choice. Do you hear me? If you choose to do nothing, then you are making a choice. You’re actively choosing to do nothing. No matter what you do or don’t do, you are always making a choice, so why not make a choice to be active and win at your life? That means choosing to deal with what is going on in your life today. Choose to do the things that will make you happy; actively and passionately choose to do the things that will make those around you happy. Commit to being an active architect of your own life and to turning your dreams into reality. For me, that means waking up every morning, getting on my knees, thanking God for the blessing of another day, and whispering the commitment to live this day to its fullest. I commit to live fully each day, each minute, each second. One day at a time. If you make this kind of commitment on a daily basis, then eventually they will stack up to be a pretty awesome string of very cool seconds, minutes, and days and that can become an “unreasonably happy” lifetime.
Be an active architect of your own life.
Before I forget, I wanted you to know how proud I am of the way you used your patience in dealing with your mom. It couldn’t have felt good to argue with her that day, but the fact that you walked away before it became too heated was admirable. The fact that you then went to a place where you could be alone and breathe was a sign that you are ready to change your life for the better. It’s a sign that you are ready to be happy; to have the life you deserve. Maybe it was the first time you learned you could take a different approach to a problem. The goal next time is to stay calm and not allow things to get heated and escalate; calmly discuss issues with your mom from a place of love and respect.
Your mother is attempting to be both mother and father, just like my dad attempted to be father and mother to my brother and me. I remember him saying to me the reason why he got up every morning and cooked my brother and me a hot breakfast was because that was what his mom did for him. My father had very definite ideas about what a man is and how a man should behave. He had clear-cut expectations of my brother and me. I had chores and curfews, but my real job was school, where I was to be well-behaved and get good grades. My father was a perfectionist, and at times I found living up to his standards impossible. But I am so grateful that he taught me the value of discipline and hard work. He attended Howard University Medical School, the same college his father graduated from years earlier. So I knew that having strong expectations was a legacy he inherited from his father. It was one of the ways he learned how to be a strong parent to his sons. Still, it didn’t make it any less painful or annoying when I didn’t agree with his rules. So, go easy on your mom, she’s doing her best I’m sure. Looking back, I have to admit that my father was usually right.
I truly understand your need for your missing parent. It’s difficult to grow up without a strong male role model in your life. But let’s you and me commit to becoming men our families can be proud of. I’m down for that, and I hope you are too. We have a lot more to talk about. I love getting those e-mail questions from you, so send me more when you get a minute. But right now, I have to get some shut-eye. I am being interviewed tomorrow for The Early Show on CBS. They call it that for a reason. So good night Young Brotha, I look forward to your next letter.
And, hey—do me a favor. Go up to your mom, give her a kiss on the cheek and wish her a Happy Father’s Day.
----------Original Message----------
From: Young_Brotha@home.net
Date: July 19, 2005 7:21 PM
To: Hill@manifestyourdestiny.net
Subject: Talking to my father
Hill, why is talking to my mother so much easier than talking to my father?
Date: July 20, 2005 10:42 AM
From: Hill@manifestyourdestiny.net
To: Young_Brotha@home.net
Subject: Re: Talking to my father
Before my father passed away, it was often very difficult to talk with him because I thought he might judge me harshly. There would be times when we had to take long trips in the car, and we might say two words between us. It wasn’t as if we were mad at each other or anything. It’s just I don’t think he really knew what to say to me all the time, and I didn’t know what to say to him. Our moms can sometimes have a more nurturing and accepting demeanor toward us, but that doesn’t mean that our fathers love us any less. My father fiercely wanted what was best for me, and I’m sure yours does too. He just probably doesn’t know how to express it very well. So the best thing I did was to try to figure out the things my father and I had in common. For instance, we both loved football and that was something we could talk about for hours and watch games together on Sunday. As you mature, you will find that your parents become more your friends than just your “folks.” That is when your relationship will truly blossom. In the meantime, just keep being that newest, perfect model that you are, and reach out to your dad whenever you can.
Oh, and by the way, do you realize that today is the anniversary of the first time a man stepped on the moon? This day about forty years ago a dude named Neil Armstrong stepped off the lunar module, and as he was about to walk onto the moon’s surface he said, “One small step for a MAN, One giant leap for MANkind.” And you—your entire generation—are the “mankind” he was talking about. A guy has been on the moon. Forty years ago. This means one thing. You can dream about doing anything.
HH