Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle; love is a war; love is a growing up.
JAMES BALDWIN
November 1, 2005
Los Angeles
Dear Young Brotha,
In your letter you asked me about sex. Not the easiest or simplest subject to address, but it’s something we should definitely talk about. But I must say this, you are moving pretty fast from barely being able to ask Jamilla to the mall less than a month ago, and now talking about having sex. Dang.
There are so many important issues involving sex that it can easily be very confusing. So I’m glad you wrote and asked me my advice “brother to brother.”
Physically speaking, sex is not difficult. Millions of people around the world “do it.” Everywhere you look something alludes to sex as if sex is always easy to get and always fun to have. Sex sells. It sells music when you see a video of half-naked women fawning over a male singer, it sells sneakers when you see cheerleaders in short-shorts cheering for Iverson, or the car advertisement when you see the cute girl riding in the passenger seat of some car they are selling. Sex sells beer, cigarettes, burgers, and movies. The fastest growing sector of the magazine industry is comprised of publications like Maxim, Stuff, and FHM. Advertisers tout casual sex as the new cool. But fantasy sex with the latest Maxim cover girl is not what you and I have to talk about. We need to discuss the real deal: You, your “private parts,” and what you choose to do with them.
When you are young and you really feel like you want to have sex—right now—it is partially because your hormones, which are chemicals in your body, can be out of balance. At different times during adolescence your body may have too much of some hormones and not enough of others, which can cause your emotions to be out of whack. These hormones help you mature into being an adult and take you from being a boy to becoming a man. They eventually normalize and smooth out. Until then though, off-kilter hormones can overpower you and overwhelm your judgment. And bad judgment and sex are a dangerous combination. “A recipe for disaster” as my friend Donovan McNabb would say. And we don’t want disasters.
So let me get this straight, in your letter you said you wanted to talk about sex, but the specific story you’re telling me is about you and Jamilla. You said you’ve been dating Jamilla, and she doesn’t want to have sex at this point in your relationship. You say you’re ready to take the relationship to the next level, and if she really trusts you, she will too. Then there’s this other girl, Crystal, who you say wants to get with you right now and isn’t trippin’ about having sex. First of all, there are a whole lot of issues besides sex in your scenario. Principally, there are the issues of your honesty, fidelity, and the agreements that you have made with Jamilla in being her “boyfriend.” If dating another woman is something you’re interested in, that is something that you need to be clear about with Jamilla. That has nothing to do with “sex” per se. It has everything to do with you making decisions that will affect your friendship and relationship with Jamilla.
One thing I would like you to consider is the misconception that the more sexual conquests you have, the more masculine you are. The number of sexual conquests has nothing to do with a man’s masculinity. It is often the case that men try to hide their insecurities by sleeping with multiple women. But there is more value in developing a long-term relationship; you have a best friend who knows you well, you have someone you trust, and you feel valuable in a relationship. If you choose to break up with Jamilla and pursue a relationship with Crystal, you have to realize that you run the risk of never getting back to the same place with Jamilla. So, you have to decide if your relationship with Jamilla is worth risking. But since you didn’t ask about all that, and you specifically asked about sex, then that’s what we’ll talk about.
Bad judgment and sex are a dangerous combination.
Okay, I’m about to make a big statement right now, and I want you to get this clearly. Here it is, and you can quote me on this: Throughout the history of the world more men have been brought down and had their lives destroyed because of their irresponsible sexual activity than by any other single act. That’s right. Wow. Did you get that? But the key to understanding that fact is to really break down what I mean when I say “irresponsible sexual activity.” Notice I didn’t just say “sexual activity” like a lot of people would say to you, as if they are trying to make you think that sex itself is a bad thing. Sex is not a bad thing. That is because the act of having sexual relations is the most natural thing in the world. Sex is a blessing given to us by God for all of us to derive pleasure from and to procreate and keep the human species going. God made it feel good so we would be encouraged to keep doing it more and more. But with that blessing comes a huge responsibility. What commonly happens all over the world with boys and men is that we let the feeling or idea of sex cloud our judgment and often we make irresponsible choices and take irresponsible actions. That’s what I mean when I say “irresponsible sexual activity.”
Irresponsible sexual activity is any sexual activity that is engaged in without both parties being fully and completely responsible about how they approach sex. Having sex is a big deal. It is one of the most fundamentally personal and intimate relations you can have with someone, not to mention the fact that there are numerous potentially negative consequences that can come out of any single sexual experience.
God and this universe are structured such that if we make responsible choices in anything we do, we will tend to receive a blessing from that choice. Responsible choices in sex are no different. Sex is supposed to feel good and that is why if you are ever having sex, or contemplating having sex, and it doesn’t seem completely right for both of you, then you should not be having sex.
For instance, even if you weren’t dating Jamilla, do you think it would be a responsible choice for you to have sex with Crystal? If both you and Crystal decided to have sex, have you considered all of the components and issues that come with having sex with her? In other words, have you or would you discuss sexually transmitted diseases with her? Would you both get tested for STDs before you engaged in sex? Have you or would you talk about protection—using condoms? And that means using condoms whether she is taking birth control or not, because condoms are about more than just not getting someone pregnant. Condoms are about protecting the health and safety of you and your partner. These are not negotiable points. They are essential for responsible sexual activity.
Clearly, I think the best choice is for you to stay with Jamilla because you care about each other. You do not need to rush into having sex at this point in your life. There are a whole lot of steps and a number of conversations you need to have if you decide you want to entertain dating Crystal. Ask yourself, are you interested in dating her because you like her, or is it the easy sex? And remember, just because a woman wants to have sex with you, it doesn’t mean you should feel you have to have sex with her. I was nineteen years old and a sophomore in college when I lost my virginity. During high school there were numerous times that I could have had sex, but I chose not to, because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to have sex responsibly then, but as you’ll see when we discuss mistakes, no matter how old you are, you can still make mistakes in the area of sex. I’ve made them, and you will probably make them, but we can be courageous and attempt to minimize mistakes. Like I said above, sex is a big deal, and irresponsible sexual activity has ruined many, many lives because of the consequences of both sexually transmitted diseases and negative choices in choosing partners. Men have lost their jobs, committed crimes of passion, and been sent to their death; families have been torn apart by extramarital affairs; the respect of friends and good standing in the community have been sacrificed because of irresponsible sexual activity.
Having sex with a woman doesn’t make you more of a man. Unless you’re having sex for all of the right reasons, you’re actually less manly and more boyish for feeling like you need to have irresponsible sex. No matter what choices you make, I will be here for you, but I would be very disappointed if you choose to be irresponsible in the area of sex.
This is your future you’re gambling with.
This is your future you’re gambling with.
I remember when I was your age. Just like you, there were some days I couldn’t stop thinking about sex. As I said earlier, your strong urges to have sex are from hormones—that’s why there are some times when you are more hyped-up about having sex than others. Some people call that feeling “horny,” which in and of itself is kind of a funny word, but the word “horny” comes out of the word “hormones.” That feeling of wanting to have sex right now is the direct result of chemicals in your body. I’ll tell you an embarrassing story; at least it felt embarrassing for me at the time. In high school, I was visiting my mom and she thought I was going to have sex with this hot girl named Regina. She was so worried that I would get Regina pregnant and ruin my future that she decided she needed to have a talk with me. One night, my mother pulled me aside before I was going out and said, “Hill, I know your body feels like it needs to have sex, but I don’t want you to be having sex with Regina. Can’t you just masturbate more?” And I was like, “Mom, I can’t believe you just said that to me.” I was embarrassed at the time, but looking back, I think it was great that my mom was able to talk with me about sex. Most parents don’t talk about sex until it’s too late. That is why I am so proud of you for writing to me and opening up a discussion about sex. A lot of people consider sex a taboo subject, but it is essential that you discuss it with people you trust. Above all, always discuss all aspects of sex with anyone you may choose to be intimate with.
I know this letter is going to lead to more questions so write me back or e-mail me when you can. I’ll always answer.
Okay, I’ve gotta go shoot this love scene for this movie I’m working on. Which reminds me, sex and love scenes in movies aren’t real; they’re even filmed in front of a huge crew of people. I think that because of movies, a lot of people have overglamorized notions of what sex is and how it should be. Don’t be fooled. Real sex in real life comes with real consequences.
Hit me back. Until then, be well.
----------Original Message----------
From: Young_Brotha@home.net
Date: November 4, 2005 10:55 PM
To: Hill@manifestyourdestiny.net
Subject: Girl Complications
Hill,
Why do girls change their minds a lot and act so complicated?
Date: November 6, 2005 3:10 PM
From: Hill@manifestyourdestiny.net
To: Young_Brotha@home.net
Subject: Fwd: Re: Girl Complications
That is a great question—one that I think can best be answered by one of the smartest and prettiest women I know—Gabrielle Union. She is one of my best friends and a great actress—she played Eva in Deliver Us from Eva with LL Cool J, and she was the cool sexy cop and Will Smith’s girlfriend in Bad Boys II. Remember the head cheerleader for the Compton Clovers in Bring It On? That’s her. She and I did the TV show City of Angels together. Anyway, I’m going to forward this question to her and ask her to answer it for you.
HH
----------Begin Forwarded Message----------
Oftentimes as girls and young women, we can be insecure and not always confident enough to say exactly what we really mean. Since we are maturing, we are constantly evolving and what we like and don’t like is continually changing. Part of it is that we are all on a journey of self-discovery and someone or something that may seem exciting one day doesn’t interest us the next. The same is true for boys and young men. Part of maturing is figuring out what works for you, and the same holds true for girls. So we need to cut each other some slack. But here is a secret: If you want to know how you can best understand the “complicated” actions of a girl, the best thing to do is to listen to what she is saying, and if she seems to contradict herself a lot or act “complicated” then just calmly ask her questions. By asking questions and communicating clearly it will help both of you understand what each of you wants and if you are right for each other. Remember a lot of girls think boys are complicated too. Communication and questions can help cut down on the “complications.”
Best Wishes, Gabrielle Union