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I couldn’t sleep at all after Raf left. Yes, the kiss was pretty great—amazing, even— but it was the excitement of possibility that kept me up. I’d never given much consideration to what freedom really was. The United States was free once before, and it ended in devastation. That’s what we were taught in school. But Frank’s ideas of freedom didn’t sound harmful at all. His freedom sounded like the only real way to live, and New America was getting it wrong.
I was only half asleep when my alarm buzzed at 4:00 the next morning. Somehow, my feet carried me to the bus stop and I was able to get showered and changed back at the house in Noble before my roommates knew I was ever missing. I went through the motions of the school day the best I could, but my heart really wasn’t in it.
At least Emmaline wasn’t at the training center. When she dropped me off at the bus station near Morton she mentioned that she would be going into the Center for a while. So there was one thing to be thankful for.
With every step I took and every interaction I had with another Empath over the next several days, I focused one hundred percent of my energy on controlling my emotions. Hope was bubbling over inside me like an unwatched pot of water on the stove. But I worked to keep the lid on, to keep my hope hidden. I wouldn’t let Raf down. I wouldn’t allow my new friends and extracurricular activities to be exposed.
And I got away with it around everyone. Everyone except Margo.
“Is everything alright? You seem a little off lately.” Margo sat across from me in her usual armchair on the second story landing in our house. We had a habit of retreating up there for some girl time after dinner each night.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Me either.” Margo drew her knees up to her chest and sighed with a smile. “I can’t stop thinking about the Harvest Dinner.”
I smiled at my friend, who appeared to be dancing through the clouds in her mind. “That’s right. I forgot about the Harvest Dinner. When is it, again?”
“When is it? Are you kidding me? It’s next Friday! Please tell me you already have something picked out to wear. If not, I can help.”
I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Don’t worry. My mom taught me how to mend clothes when I was young, and I’ve been dreaming of designing costumes ever since. I can totally help you whip something together. In fact, let’s go look at your closet now.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet before I could even consider objecting. I didn’t mind it, though. My thoughts had been consumed with very heavy topics for far too long. It would do me some good to let go and have a little mindless fun picking out clothes and talking about fancy events.
“Have you ever been to a dinner event like this before?” I asked as Margo swiped through the rack of clothes that had been supplied for me in my closet.
“Only in my dreams.” She laughed. “Seriously though, this is combining everything I love most into a single evening. There will be tons of new people to meet, dresses and suits to rival the greatest theater costumes I’ve ever seen, and obviously the food will be amazing.” She sighed loudly and fell dramatically backward onto my bed. “I can’t wait!”
“Your version sounds a lot nicer than what I remember them describing. I thought this was just a networking event so we can get to know some of the Leaders we’ll be working with after our training.”
“Well sure. There’s that, too.” Margo giggled.
I wasn’t nearly as excited about the dinner as she was. It felt like more of a trap than a magical evening. I would be surrounded by Leaders who were attending with the goal to get to know us better. And getting to know me better is exactly what I did not want to happen. I had to find a way to appear charming and useful to the government without revealing anything about Frank’s plans.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Concern crinkled the corners of Margo’s eyes as she sat up and placed her hand on my back. I’d gotten distracted by my thoughts again.
“I’m sure. Really. It’s just that this all seems like so much to take in sometimes.”
“I know what you mean. It hardly seems fair for us to get all these incredible experiences while our families are still just barely making ends meet back home.”
She was right. And it seemed so obvious after talking to Frank that the system was flawed. New America boasted about equal rights. Equal pay, equal housing, equal opportunity. But it wasn’t equal at all. Being this close to the Center gave me a whole different look at how things were really run. And I was sure it was just the tip of the iceberg. If we had all these perks outside of the Center walls, what was happening on the inside? Cato knew. Why didn’t I realize it sooner?
Frank said he wanted to get as many people throughout the city’s ranks on his side as possible. If I would be helping as a Peacemaker, more would be better. Right? And here was Margo, a girl with the same background as me, recognizing the same inequalities as me.
“What if there was a different way?” I bit the inside of my lip, waiting to see what Margo’s reaction would be. I couldn’t reveal too much until I knew she was open to alternative ideas.
Her brows furrowed. “What do you mean? A different way for what?”
“For life.” I gestured around the room with my hand. “For all of it. What if life was less about staying in the lane that was chosen for us, and more about creating a path of our own?”
“Sounds like trouble,” Margo said.
I chuckled. Because behind the skeptical look on her face, I felt it. Hope.
“You’re probably right.” I looked down at the white threads crisscrossing along the top of my bedding. “But we can dream.”
“We can dream,” Margo nodded beside me. After a few moments, she spoke again, quietly. “Do you think your brother found it? A different way of life?”
The question caught me off guard, but when I turned to meet her gaze, her eyes were sincere. I allowed my shoulders to relax enough to shrug.
“I think he might be trying.”
“Is that what’s been on your mind? Because I totally understand, if so. If my sister went missing I wouldn’t be able to think of anything else.”
“I do think about Cato a lot.” I studied Margo’s face and saw nothing but compassion. She was genuinely concerned for me. I turned to face her and lowered my voice. “But I know he’s safe.”
Margo’s expression visibly lightened, and I felt it again. She was hopeful. It was a quiet hope, bubbling just under the surface of her hesitation, but it was growing. It would be so nice to have a confidante inside the Peacemaker ranks.
“How do you know?”
“I heard from him during my visit home last week.”
Margo threw her arms around me, and the weight of my secret physically lifted from me. I relaxed in her embrace, blinking away the tears that blurred the edges of my vision.
“Oh Claren, that is fantastic news! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I wasn’t sure if I could. It’s not exactly information I want to be broadcasted.”
“Of course not.” Margo released me from her hug with an enormous smile on her face. I hadn’t realized how difficult it was to keep everything hidden. Having Margo on my side would make facing the Leaders and getting through the training program infinitely easier.
“I’m just so thrilled for you! Where is he staying?” Excitement flowed from her like a water hose.
We huddled together like a couple of school girls sharing secrets on the playground.
“He’s actually staying with a family in the Center. The Gadsons, I think?”
“The Gadsons as in Phil Gadson? The City Treasurer?”
“Yeah, I think that’s right. I’m just happy to know he’s safe and sound.”
“And Phil Gadson seems like such a wonderful man,” Margo added. “I’m sure they’re keeping him really comfortable. Hopefully they’ll be able to help him find a way out of this mess.”
“I sure hope so.” I wanted to tell her that the Gadsons may actually be stepping into a much bigger mess, but I’d said enough for now. Margo would be an excellent asset for the Outsiders. She was charming and outgoing and well-spoken. She’d make the perfect recruiter. But I’d have to take baby steps with her. Too much information would scare her away.
With the news of Cato’s safety out in the open, I was able to finally relax. Margo helped me identify an emerald green dress made of satin for the dinner. She took a couple of scarves and some jewelry with her when she left and promised me the most beautiful dress I’d ever seen. Of course it was already the most beautiful dress I’d ever owned, but I was certain she’d make it a million times better.
I slept peacefully that night for the first time since my visit back home. And it’s a good thing I did, because I was greeted first thing the next morning by Emmaline Frasier, herself. She stood in the lobby of the training center and intercepted me before I was able to make it into my classroom.
“Good morning, Ms. Greenwood. Please follow me to my office. We’ll be doing your lessons up there this morning.”
Margo shifted nervously beside me as I nodded and waved goodbye to her. I couldn’t blame her really. Emmaline made me nervous, too.
We didn’t speak again until we were sitting alone in Emmaline’s office. She closed the door behind her and straightened a few papers on her desk, straight-faced and stiff.
“Thank you for your patience. I didn’t intend for it to take me so long to get back to you after your trip to Morton. Unfortunately there are some things happening in the Center that required my immediate attention.”
“That’s okay. Were you able to get them resolved?” I asked. The longer I could keep the topic of conversation off of me, the better. I focused on holding the lid down tight on my inner pot of hope. I couldn’t reveal too much. Especially not to Emmaline.
She narrowed her eyes just a fraction of an inch. “We’re still working on things. Now tell me, were you able to gather any information regarding your brother’s whereabouts?”
“I wasn’t able to make contact with my brother.”
Emmaline pursed her lips. She was always intimidating, but she seemed to be running on less patience than usual. It had me on edge. I’d have to adjust my typical strategy.
“Why don’t you tell me exactly what happened. Start from the moment you closed my car door and don’t stop until the moment you got back to your room in Noble borough.”
Gulp.
“Well you remember I told you I met Cato at an abandoned building the last time I went home?”
“Yes.”
“I went there after you dropped me off.”
“And?”
I wasn’t prepared for this. Emmaline wasn’t usually so curt and cold. This wasn’t how we played the game. She was supposed to ask me direct questions to which I could respond with elusive answers. That’s what I’d practiced. That’s how it always went. Emmaline was a get-to-the-point kind of girl. I didn’t know how to give her a play-by-play without revealing too much.
“And he wasn’t there.”
“Who was there, Claren?” Her body shifted as she crossed one leg over the other under the desk. She clasped her fingers together lightly in front of her and leaned forward ever so slightly.
I tried to keep my breathing even, my pulse slow. But it was too late. Emmaline had me flustered, and she knew it. Victory flashed in her eyes. I had to give her something or she’d know I was lying.
“There were three men there who I’d never seen before. I think they meet there regularly with some of the others who are working with the Outside.”
Images of the fearful sandy-haired man and his two sons flashed through my mind with a pang of guilt. I hadn’t exposed their identities—thankfully I never caught their names. But even alluding to their existence left me feeling like a traitor.
Emmaline’s features relaxed, and she brought her hands down to the top of the desk in front of her. “Was one of the men the leader of these rebels?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
That must’ve been the wrong answer. Emmaline’s jaw clenched, visibly frustrated with the lack of information I was providing her.
“So you went all that way to meet some strange men and then what? Just turn around and come back home? What aren’t you telling me?”
My heart was thumping so loud I could hear nothing else. I almost wished Mr. Saxon would walk down the hall and hear it beating from the other side of the door. Maybe he would take mercy on me and save me before the rattlesnake struck.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Frasier. I don’t mean to upset you. It’s just that I don’t really understand all the inner workings of the group.”
“That’s why I wanted to send some help along with you. You’re just a girl. You can’t do this on your own.”
“I can.” I placed my hands on the desk, determined to make her understand. “They trust me. I’m Cato’s sister, and they have no reason not to trust me.” Frank said it himself.
“But if you send people with me I will be uneasy. As you can see, it’s pretty obvious when I’m uncomfortable in a situation. It wouldn’t take an Empath to recognize something is up.”
She didn’t argue, which I took as a good sign... and also something I needed to improve.
“I’m close. I know it,” I continued. “If I can attend another meeting or two, I’m certain I’ll be able to find out more about their leader. And then you can send all the help you want when we get him.”
I gave my most earnest smile and a nod. I wanted her to trust me and believe that I was on her side. If I could delay a little longer, I’d give Frank enough of a heads up to find a new meeting location before I led the Protectors right to his door.
Emmaline’s brows furrowed and she extended her hands. I looked from her palms to her face and back again.
“I want to believe you, Claren.” She pulled her fingers in and out twice, gesturing for me to place my hands in hers. Reluctantly, I obeyed.
Immediately, a sense of calm washed over me. It was the same feeling she’d projected back at the security office when we’d first met. It was a soothing mix of love and trust, with a hefty dose of drowsiness and warmth in my inner core. I wanted to curl up in her lap while she patted my back and told me everything would be okay. I wanted to confide in her.
But I knew it was coming this time. And though I was no expert at blocking my affect, I’d been practicing hard over the last week. I had an icy wall— albeit a small one— at the ready.
So when Emmaline asked me if there was anything else I wanted to add, I had enough control to say no. When she asked if I could give her an address for where to find my brother, I said no. I didn’t know where the Gadsons lived, so that one was easy. I didn’t even say their name. And when she asked me if she could trust me to go back and carry out the task to its completion, I smiled and assured her that I would be honored to do so. I just didn’t tell her which task I was looking forward to completing.
I told her everything she wanted to hear, and though she was still frustrated with my answers, she eventually let me go.
But the craziest part of it all is that when she released me, my first instinct was to go back. I hated to admit it, but those false feelings of love she projected reminded me of something. Of someone. She reminded me of my mom.